help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: fla
Posts: 8
help
Hello I am first time visiter here and i have a question I would like to ask.first please forgive any mis spelling got fat fingers my girl friend of a year is a recovering alcholic this she is aware of after a dui and counsling and support from me she knows she cant have just one beer, due to the counseling she had to stay away from pot for six months and during that time she was the most perfect woman I had ever met. she is on paxil for depression. I know I am rambling but i am trying to get all the facts in any way right after the counseling she started back smoking pot and it has changed her she no longer has a sex drive and it seems as thought she is very distant.she says she loves me but i feel she loves the buzz more, I have told her it was the buzz that was the addicition and how you get there is not the issue i am scared to death that one will lead to the other and now I am faced with a hard decission do i stay or give up and leave her alone. i pay most of her bills and now I am feeling rejected and lonely i dont want to feel sorry for myself but the feeling is real. dont know witch way to turn.dont want to control her or demand she quit because that would be a waste of time, just worndering if there is a way to reach her or just give up and let time take it's toll, thank you so much for any advice broken hearted in fla
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Marin County, CA.
Posts: 3
Hey there-
I realize the thought of letting her go is painful but staying with her while she substitutes one addiction for another is going to be more painful and less constructive. Pulling back and taking care of yourself and letting her falter or succeed on her own is the best option and when you do that sometimes miracles happen. The best way to reach her is stop paying her bills, enabling her and detach yourself because there is nothing you can say, do or plan that will help her or that has worked in the past long term. She makes that decision. I know this is very hard to do but it really does work for you as it did for me.
Hudcal
I realize the thought of letting her go is painful but staying with her while she substitutes one addiction for another is going to be more painful and less constructive. Pulling back and taking care of yourself and letting her falter or succeed on her own is the best option and when you do that sometimes miracles happen. The best way to reach her is stop paying her bills, enabling her and detach yourself because there is nothing you can say, do or plan that will help her or that has worked in the past long term. She makes that decision. I know this is very hard to do but it really does work for you as it did for me.
Hudcal
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hello guitarzan and welcome
(Ah..."Guitarzan" was one of my first 45's)
Your girlfriend is making the pot her first priority. Her "high" and the ability to get it comes first, I'm sure.
My ex-A, Spicoli, was big into pot during his drinking days. So I can tell you from experience that there is nothing more unromantic and unappealing than someone who is stoned out of their mind.
If you keep paying her bills, it will just enable her to maintain her current way of life. I'm sure that you love her very much, but she has to stand up and face this problem on her own.
And you need to deal with how all this is affecting you. I'm glad you found this forum, there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here. And Alanon or Naranon meetings could help too. Recovery takes time for all of us. We don't get sick overnight and we don't get well overnight either.
Hang around, there are a lot of good people here with a lot of good input and advice.
Peace,
Gabe
Your girlfriend is making the pot her first priority. Her "high" and the ability to get it comes first, I'm sure.
My ex-A, Spicoli, was big into pot during his drinking days. So I can tell you from experience that there is nothing more unromantic and unappealing than someone who is stoned out of their mind.
If you keep paying her bills, it will just enable her to maintain her current way of life. I'm sure that you love her very much, but she has to stand up and face this problem on her own.
And you need to deal with how all this is affecting you. I'm glad you found this forum, there is a lot of experience, strength and hope here. And Alanon or Naranon meetings could help too. Recovery takes time for all of us. We don't get sick overnight and we don't get well overnight either.
Hang around, there are a lot of good people here with a lot of good input and advice.
Peace,
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: fla
Posts: 8
Thank you
thank you for the reply and I guess in a awy I already had the answer she seem to think the pot is diffrent it never has effected her the same as drinking I'm not sure if some of the problem is the effect of mixing the THC with paxil and the fact that she is 40 and may be starting the change but I do know is you all are correct,I am have a hard time trying to find the words and strength to talk to her about it this was as close to a soul mate as i had ever seen.and the six months she did no drugs or drinking she was a new person but the quiting was because of the threat of drug testing by her counsler. now that is not a threat so i guess the floodgate is open. I have tried to tell her driving buzzed and if she did get stoped it would be another dui and I cant afford to bail her out again in some ways i dont regret helping her but in other ways I wonder if i made it to easy she did spend 10 days in jail and i think that woke her up to the drinking problem and the counseling she went to has help with the drinking she just dont get it about the pot buzzed is buzzed no matter how you get there.I wish I could fill the void in her life that the buzz seem to fill. but I have heard the phrase enable-er and maybe that is what i am. I cant believe i am sitting here writting this and it is so close to the holidays and I have made a few promisses to her helping her all involving money and I am not rich just hard working but I cant seem to get the strenght to end it with out finishing what i started and before the holidays. and lets not forget ...could me leaving be what sets her off drinking again. guess i am just wishing for a easy answer and there are none. I truly know she loves me as i so deeply do her but for the last 2 months it seem we are tacking diffrent roads .The stress is really taking a toll on me and I try to pretend when I am with her everything is ok I try not to see her eyes are red and glassy and I will admitt she does a good job hidding it she dont act goofey just distant.I keep thinking if i just hang in there maybe she will see how good a man she has and just might not want to risk loosing me but that may be a soluation only in my mind.any way i do agree with you i'm just not sure when to do it. end it that is once again thank you all for replying I knew i was not the only one to have faced this and won't be the last damm how sad is that.( wish I was swinging thru the trees in my bvd's ) lol well i havent lost my humor .... yet thanks again guitarzan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 56
Guitarzan
You are going exactly thru the same thing I was going through with my exhusband. My exhusband to this day is still struggling with heroin/alcohol/methodone addiction. Two years ago I decided I could no longer tolerate his behavior. He was making me sick -- inside and out. I lost sense of who I am. I did everything I could to make him STOP. I paid all the bills, made life easy for him when times were tough, I was always there. Until he decided that I was not doing enough and he wanted to be with another woman. It didnt matter that I was there through all his bad times, it didnt matter that I financially supported his habits for six lousy years...and me living in denial. IT DID NOT MATTER. Now two years later, I am happily divorced from him and he is STILL USING and still calling me for help. Time has erased the "love" I was had for him. He is one of the most unattractive spirits I know today (the other is my exboyfriend guitar player - who is manipulative, another form of an addictive personality). Take note of how this relationship is treating you, is it meeting all of your needs? is it really worth all the time and effort, be honest with yourself. We are here to support. Diva.
You are going exactly thru the same thing I was going through with my exhusband. My exhusband to this day is still struggling with heroin/alcohol/methodone addiction. Two years ago I decided I could no longer tolerate his behavior. He was making me sick -- inside and out. I lost sense of who I am. I did everything I could to make him STOP. I paid all the bills, made life easy for him when times were tough, I was always there. Until he decided that I was not doing enough and he wanted to be with another woman. It didnt matter that I was there through all his bad times, it didnt matter that I financially supported his habits for six lousy years...and me living in denial. IT DID NOT MATTER. Now two years later, I am happily divorced from him and he is STILL USING and still calling me for help. Time has erased the "love" I was had for him. He is one of the most unattractive spirits I know today (the other is my exboyfriend guitar player - who is manipulative, another form of an addictive personality). Take note of how this relationship is treating you, is it meeting all of your needs? is it really worth all the time and effort, be honest with yourself. We are here to support. Diva.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: fla
Posts: 8
help
thank you diva to be honest no none of my needs are being meet not in a physical (sex) or any othe way. but during the six month she had to quit she was a completly a diffrent woman, she went thru a withdraw time but we put puzzles together and that seemed to help pass the time and kept her mind on something other than getting the buzz after that passed about 2 weeks she was very loving and always touching me. driving she would reach across the truck and rub my arm , some times I would catch her just looking at me with so much love it would fill the world.now for the last 2 month it is just not there. and she seems so depressed I have never been so lonely and be with some one in my life.I kinda wondered if she may be fooling around but i really dont want to belive that. I still think it is the reaction of the THC and paxil and zanix that is causing it , wish i knew a doctor that could answer that.so far in here not one reply has told me to hang in there looks like everyone agrees it is time to let it go but damm it is hard because I saw what she can be. guess I will try to make it thru the holidays and just smile like nothing is wrong and work on how to tell her she needs help and good bye at the same time.Thanks so much for all the suppoet it is great to find some answers even if they are not what I wanted to hear....... guitarzan
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
guitarzan,
Welcome to SR....I've come back to read your post several times now. I would suggest you go to Al-Anon and /or Naranon if you intend to try to stay even til the holidays are over. By your getting healthier and having a face to face support group the anwsers will come.
All I do know is that while they are using/abusing the drug of their choice it isn't going to get my needs met if I expect them to be able to meet them...
Take care. Sending prayers your way. Keep coming back
Welcome to SR....I've come back to read your post several times now. I would suggest you go to Al-Anon and /or Naranon if you intend to try to stay even til the holidays are over. By your getting healthier and having a face to face support group the anwsers will come.
All I do know is that while they are using/abusing the drug of their choice it isn't going to get my needs met if I expect them to be able to meet them...
Take care. Sending prayers your way. Keep coming back
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