STBXAW taking ownership of the divorce?
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STBXAW taking ownership of the divorce?
I feel a little bit like I've been hogging the forum threads lately, but don't really have an appropriate outlet for this anywhere else. My AW has found focus and energy for her "recovery" (for now) in trying to take ownership of the divorce process. I'm flabbergasted. Bewildered. Annnoyed. It's as if the whole thing gave her a project to work on.
She hadn't done a single thing since coming home from rehab until today. Now she is all over the divorce like white on rice. Maybe she had wanted to all along but didn't have the courage? Or is trying to make things look good for the court? It's very confusing.
Anyone else seen this kind of reaction from their spouse after initial papers were filed?
She hadn't done a single thing since coming home from rehab until today. Now she is all over the divorce like white on rice. Maybe she had wanted to all along but didn't have the courage? Or is trying to make things look good for the court? It's very confusing.
Anyone else seen this kind of reaction from their spouse after initial papers were filed?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Interesting...
I did all the footwork in my divorce but my ex pushed for it once I said I wanted it.
I think it may have to do with feeling insulted? Powerless? Letting you know, then fine, they are not afraid of divorcing you either?
I did all the footwork in my divorce but my ex pushed for it once I said I wanted it.
I think it may have to do with feeling insulted? Powerless? Letting you know, then fine, they are not afraid of divorcing you either?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Confusing.....must be hard to be in the same house......Maybe she is getting to acceptance. Maybe she is manipulating the situation with an eye for an eye thing. Maybe she is angry and sober and actually feeling something.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Anyone else seen this kind of reaction from their spouse after initial papers were filed?
He was more interested in drawing it out, and quitting work so I could not collect child support.
Passive aggressive stuff.
Feeling powerless and out of control, he did what he was able to do to inconvenience me.
Keep a watchful eye, jayscott.
How is that big boy?
My sons, when they were that age (8-9 months) were such great fun.
Learning something new every second, getting mobile and laughing all the time.
Beth
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
From my experience, not surprising.
They seem to have a need for everything to be "their" idea. I truly believe it is part of the altered brain chemistry. It goes right along with the delusion. Some find the "delusion" term offensive. I've found I can say the same thing by substituting "change the reality to a more pleasing version". Or something like that.
In short order, she will convince herself and all those around her that this whole thing was her idea, and she is so glad to be done with you. She will then list out all of your problems. Most of which are actually her problems which she projects onto you.
Normally, the course of action is to ignore this. however, you must be careful. She will say these things in front of other people when you are there. If you don't correct it, then it validates what she says to the other person as true. Since they assume you heard it, didn't protest, therefore agree. Of course the other person most likely to be around when this happens is your child. You may need to work on how to correct this without a blow up. My experience also indicates any attempt at directly challenging these false assertions is immediately met with full on assault. The intensity of the re-attack is directly proportional to how ridiculous the original statement is. And as soon as the re-attack looses steam, there will be a re-direct to something tangent in order to keep you off kilter.
I could be wrong.
Slippery slope, my friend. Watch your step. I think you can stay a couple steps ahead of her, as her behavior is so predictable. Keep posting. I'll keep telling you what I've seen in the past. It can't hurt.
They seem to have a need for everything to be "their" idea. I truly believe it is part of the altered brain chemistry. It goes right along with the delusion. Some find the "delusion" term offensive. I've found I can say the same thing by substituting "change the reality to a more pleasing version". Or something like that.
In short order, she will convince herself and all those around her that this whole thing was her idea, and she is so glad to be done with you. She will then list out all of your problems. Most of which are actually her problems which she projects onto you.
Normally, the course of action is to ignore this. however, you must be careful. She will say these things in front of other people when you are there. If you don't correct it, then it validates what she says to the other person as true. Since they assume you heard it, didn't protest, therefore agree. Of course the other person most likely to be around when this happens is your child. You may need to work on how to correct this without a blow up. My experience also indicates any attempt at directly challenging these false assertions is immediately met with full on assault. The intensity of the re-attack is directly proportional to how ridiculous the original statement is. And as soon as the re-attack looses steam, there will be a re-direct to something tangent in order to keep you off kilter.
I could be wrong.
Slippery slope, my friend. Watch your step. I think you can stay a couple steps ahead of her, as her behavior is so predictable. Keep posting. I'll keep telling you what I've seen in the past. It can't hurt.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jayscott-
in my experience, one can not rely on the alcoholic to follow thru on anything. i would render a guess that this little spurt of activity will soon be replaced by her usual inactivity.
if YOU want the divorce, then it is for the best that you move forward with your plan, indpendent of what she does or does not do.
take care of yourself and your needs. take that focus off of what she is doing and put it back onto what you are doing and what you want for yourself and your son.
in my experience, one can not rely on the alcoholic to follow thru on anything. i would render a guess that this little spurt of activity will soon be replaced by her usual inactivity.
if YOU want the divorce, then it is for the best that you move forward with your plan, indpendent of what she does or does not do.
take care of yourself and your needs. take that focus off of what she is doing and put it back onto what you are doing and what you want for yourself and your son.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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in my experience, one can not rely on the alcoholic to follow thru on anything. i would render a guess that this little spurt of activity will soon be replaced by her usual inactivity.
yes, this too.
we drunks are not big in the follow up part. lots of grand ideas running thru our heads, but going to the courthouse, and an attorney and blah, blah, blah.
too much work.
keep doing what you are doing. she is just flapping her duck wings while quacking.
lots of action, nothing accomplished.
(i am speaking as a recovering alcoholic)
Beth
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Location: London, UK
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When I ended the relationship with my ex, there was a period during which you would have thought he was the one to say this is over. It then swung back and forth. I stayed steadfast.
I can only surmise that the swing to acceptance was an attempt at trying to keep some control over what was happening.
I think you should keep doing what you need to do to make this split happen if that is what you want.. handing it over will just put it right back on the merry-go-round.
Tx
I can only surmise that the swing to acceptance was an attempt at trying to keep some control over what was happening.
I think you should keep doing what you need to do to make this split happen if that is what you want.. handing it over will just put it right back on the merry-go-round.
Tx
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Yeah, my bet is that it's just a distraction from having to work on her own recovery. AND an attempt to make it look as if it's all her idea.
I'd bet, too, that it won't last long.
Just don't let what she's doing throw you off course. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I'd bet, too, that it won't last long.
Just don't let what she's doing throw you off course. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Mine told me the other day it would be easier if I had cheated /or he had cheated. Those are lines in the sand for both of us...
Makes me think that if I want to leave...that's what I'm going to have to do just to get him to accept it even though it's been his idea.
I think it is about being able to blame someone else.
I told my mom that years ago...that when I finally decide I've had enough I'm going to have to make it look like I'm cheating to get him gone, or he isnt' going to let go easily.
Warned her to be prepared to hear all kinds of crap...some hurtful not good stuff that she needs to take it for what it is...talk. Because this is going to go down like a Play...I'm going to need to act like I am, even maybe SAY I am...but know in her heart I'm not. For me it's a moral issue. As long as I'm married I'm not going to be w/ another man. If it will save me and my family though...I have no shame in making it seem like I am. I figure I know the truth and so does God.
Makes me think that if I want to leave...that's what I'm going to have to do just to get him to accept it even though it's been his idea.
I think it is about being able to blame someone else.
I told my mom that years ago...that when I finally decide I've had enough I'm going to have to make it look like I'm cheating to get him gone, or he isnt' going to let go easily.
Warned her to be prepared to hear all kinds of crap...some hurtful not good stuff that she needs to take it for what it is...talk. Because this is going to go down like a Play...I'm going to need to act like I am, even maybe SAY I am...but know in her heart I'm not. For me it's a moral issue. As long as I'm married I'm not going to be w/ another man. If it will save me and my family though...I have no shame in making it seem like I am. I figure I know the truth and so does God.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by zrx1200R 
From my experience, not surprising.
They seem to have a need for everything to be "their" idea. I truly believe it is part of the altered brain chemistry. It goes right along with the delusion. Some find the "delusion" term offensive. I've found I can say the same thing by substituting "change the reality to a more pleasing version". Or something like that.
In short order, she will convince herself and all those around her that this whole thing was her idea, and she is so glad to be done with you. She will then list out all of your problems. Most of which are actually her problems which she projects onto you.
Normally, the course of action is to ignore this. however, you must be careful. She will say these things in front of other people when you are there. If you don't correct it, then it validates what she says to the other person as true. Since they assume you heard it, didn't protest, therefore agree. Of course the other person most likely to be around when this happens is your child. You may need to work on how to correct this without a blow up. My experience also indicates any attempt at directly challenging these false assertions is immediately met with full on assault. The intensity of the re-attack is directly proportional to how ridiculous the original statement is. And as soon as the re-attack looses steam, there will be a re-direct to something tangent in order to keep you off kilter.
I could be wrong.
Slippery slope, my friend. Watch your step. I think you can stay a couple steps ahead of her, as her behavior is so predictable. Keep posting. I'll keep telling you what I've seen in the past. It can't hurt.
They seem to have a need for everything to be "their" idea. I truly believe it is part of the altered brain chemistry. It goes right along with the delusion. Some find the "delusion" term offensive. I've found I can say the same thing by substituting "change the reality to a more pleasing version". Or something like that.
In short order, she will convince herself and all those around her that this whole thing was her idea, and she is so glad to be done with you. She will then list out all of your problems. Most of which are actually her problems which she projects onto you.
Normally, the course of action is to ignore this. however, you must be careful. She will say these things in front of other people when you are there. If you don't correct it, then it validates what she says to the other person as true. Since they assume you heard it, didn't protest, therefore agree. Of course the other person most likely to be around when this happens is your child. You may need to work on how to correct this without a blow up. My experience also indicates any attempt at directly challenging these false assertions is immediately met with full on assault. The intensity of the re-attack is directly proportional to how ridiculous the original statement is. And as soon as the re-attack looses steam, there will be a re-direct to something tangent in order to keep you off kilter.
I could be wrong.
Slippery slope, my friend. Watch your step. I think you can stay a couple steps ahead of her, as her behavior is so predictable. Keep posting. I'll keep telling you what I've seen in the past. It can't hurt.
But I also recognize there is a whole lot of ego-salvaging involved here. I read somewhere that addicts feel sub-human, while using and once clean again...they will do anything to attempt to salvage their ego until they are truly ready to accept reality. Some may never accept reality. Some do and can grow to be comfortable with it - those are your successful old-timers. When I allow myself to emphasize with my RAH, I can imagine the shame he must feel underneath the "I am so happy now" facade he portrays.
But I agree that this is a distraction from the recovery process, as well.
Hang in there, jayscott - this is more of the emotional roller-coaster ride we are all trying to disengage from. And it's not an easy feat! Yeesh - so easy to get sucked into their delusions.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Awesome!
Now you don't have to do it!
That said, ZXR makes some good points and I think he's dead nuts on. I wish my wife would have done this when we were divorcing.
Maybe she can be your project manager? You will just keep an eye on it to make sure your interests are protected, but if she wants to do all the legwork more power to her. At least, for once, she's ******* doing something to help.
Take care,
Cyranoak
That said, ZXR makes some good points and I think he's dead nuts on. I wish my wife would have done this when we were divorcing.
Maybe she can be your project manager? You will just keep an eye on it to make sure your interests are protected, but if she wants to do all the legwork more power to her. At least, for once, she's ******* doing something to help.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by jayscott
I feel a little bit like I've been hogging the forum threads lately, but don't really have an appropriate outlet for this anywhere else. My AW has found focus and energy for her "recovery" (for now) in trying to take ownership of the divorce process. I'm flabbergasted. Bewildered. Annnoyed. It's as if the whole thing gave her a project to work on.
She hadn't done a single thing since coming home from rehab until today. Now she is all over the divorce like white on rice. Maybe she had wanted to all along but didn't have the courage? Or is trying to make things look good for the court? It's very confusing.
Anyone else seen this kind of reaction from their spouse after initial papers were filed?
She hadn't done a single thing since coming home from rehab until today. Now she is all over the divorce like white on rice. Maybe she had wanted to all along but didn't have the courage? Or is trying to make things look good for the court? It's very confusing.
Anyone else seen this kind of reaction from their spouse after initial papers were filed?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Thank you everyone for your feedback and ideas. In a perverse way, it's actually helpful that she's "embracing" this for now. If she stonewalls paperwork by not responding to things and not getting a lawyer, for example, it's that much harder to get to closure. And if she really does move forward and find a job, it's that much sooner that she'll be able to move out.
I still don't expect us to agree on the custody arrangements, that will be a difficult discussion.
I still don't expect us to agree on the custody arrangements, that will be a difficult discussion.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
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The more I tried (try) to figure out why the addicts/alcoholics in my life do something the nuttier I become!
I say just run with it for now..and much like the weather in Texas..if you don't like it now, wait a minute
I say just run with it for now..and much like the weather in Texas..if you don't like it now, wait a minute
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by keepinon
The more I tried (try) to figure out why the addicts/alcoholics in my life do something the nuttier I become!
I say just run with it for now..and much like the weather in Texas..if you don't like it now, wait a minute
I say just run with it for now..and much like the weather in Texas..if you don't like it now, wait a minute
This is an illogical and nonsensical disease. Plain and simple.
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OK, blessing has run its course. Seems she's been on good behavior in hopes of getting me to agree to a more favorable custody arrangement. She brought it up tonight. As soon as I said that my opinion hadn't really changed from two months ago (that I was filing for sole custody, until she was able to demonstrate a prolonged period of sobriety) she went on the attack. Suggested I "sell the house, she'd hate for me to have to live paycheck to paycheck."
Sigh. Quack quack. She's meeting her lawyer tomorrow to file a response; looks like the initial custody arrangement is going to be in the hands of a judge. That worries me, but what's there to do? I guess I still feel like all the evidence is on my side. You just never know what a judge's point of view might be.
Sigh. Quack quack. She's meeting her lawyer tomorrow to file a response; looks like the initial custody arrangement is going to be in the hands of a judge. That worries me, but what's there to do? I guess I still feel like all the evidence is on my side. You just never know what a judge's point of view might be.
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Originally Posted by tjp613
Yep! And you have a witness! Dear ol' mom. I wouldn't lose TOO much sleep over it yet. I forget, have you been documenting all along?
You're both right, silly to worry. Her lawyer will probably give her some bad advice though because I doubt that she's going to share everything that she should.
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