starlight40

I'm writing to try to alleviate some of the horrible pain that seems to have taken over my entire being at the moment.
Its been brought on by the stone cold realization of how horribly I have been treated my whole life. My mom, dad, brother, all treated me as sub-human. Never allowed to laugh, cry, or even make a sound as a child if it was not the appropriate time.
Then my ex. who was abusive(had no problem leaving him)
Then back living w/ dad ( mom had passed away)
and taking care of him, all the while he turned me into his slave( and ended up turning my own kids against me) and then sold most of my belongings out from under me , along with countless other atrocities!

I know I am rambling, but I just needed to get some of this out.
The reason I am with my Ah of the past almost 11 years is because he is the first man to ever show me love, and respect of any kind!

I am on overload right now. Hoping for a few calming words.
Thank you, and I hope I'm not sounding too pathetic. I'm not used to asking for help.

barb dwyer

hi Starlight -

sometimes it does get way big
and we feel way small.

it's like in the cartoon where the bear walks out of his cabin
and shuts the door
and the entire roof of snow falls on his head.

I call that 'bunging up'.

other more intelligent people call that 'overwhelmed'.

The focus for these times
is the next thing.

Today,I'm freaking out
about something, too.

So I came straight home from school
and put on my 'house dress'
(take the girl outa the south kind of thing)
and ran a sink to do the dishes.

I have food in my house.
I have a house (for now)
The heater works.
All my grades are good.

and that's how I get a 'grip' on what's real
by talking to myself about what's HERE and RIGHT NOW.

Remember too that HALT thing.
that has a major part to play.

When you start using that
it becomes 'second nature'.

Hope something in all this drivel helps!

ohn yeah - one more thing -

starlight40

Thank you!

Time will pass, and the pain goes by,
and your happy again, not knowing why.
The sun heats you up, and the wind cools you down,
and you smile, because your still around.

I will survive. thank you.

starlight40

I wanted to add....
I know with this process, of "waking up" there's going to be pain.
There will be mood swings. There may even be physical pain.
I guess it could be called the codie's withdrawl process.

I'm addicted to the addictive thinking. And suddenly I'm not thinking that way anymore. It's like someone dropped me on my head and I developed amnesia. (or something like that)

I have a long painful process ahead of me, becuase every painful emotion I never allowed myself to feel before, I'm feeling now. But atleast I am feeling them, because then I can get passed them once and for all.
and it really helps knowing I'm not going through it alone.

brokenheartfool

It's a cruel world out there. It didn't stop with the playground bullying, it keeps going to some extent forever, and we have to watch out for ourselves, because others will walk all over us if we let them.
People are selfish by nature. Even those that have good intentions.

For me, key is not letting it all get blown out of proportion in my mind or dwell on things. That is toxic thinking for me.
The sky isn't falling chicken little! I keep telling myself that over and over.

At one point in my childhood--my dad beat us with a belt, my mom smacked our faces, my older sister slapped me, my older brother beat me up, and the kid down the street would hide behind bushes them ambush me and beat me up walking home from school.
Were you counting? There were 5 different people that could have physically hit me on any given day of the week.
You know what? Overall, I had a great childhood. I was imaginative, had some terrific friends, had enthusiasm for life, etc., etc.
It's all in what we decide to focus on. I prefer to focus on the terrific stuff that happened and all the very fine memories when I decide to look back. I don't want to dwell on that 5 people beat me up regularly, because that doesn't make me feel good or give me any zest or zeal for life. I have the bad things in perspective--there was a lot of good too.
Oh--and I almost left out the part of me making their life he!! sometimes too!

Freedom1990

Sometimes life just is...painful.

I love Barb's gratitude list for what she has at this moment.

Looking at those little things that really do mean so much to me too do help take some of the sting out of life.

Sending you gentle hugs.

starlight40

Thank you.

Yes, brokenheartedfool. I know exactly what you are saying. Not too long ago, I had put all of that behind me. I was a much stronger person before my AH and I moved up here. And I can even attribute some of my strength and healing to him.
But after two years of waiting for my residency, and not being able to work, and no one to talk to ( and along winter of being stuck in the house) I don't feel like the person I was.
I'm smart enough to know that for me to get to that person I was, I have to work the steps on the program, and post and keep posting.
But with every eyeopening moment, I have pain. That's o.k.

I can only work with what I have right now right?

I have a roof over my head.
I have a computer.
I have this website.
I have my intellect.
I have allthe coping skills I need(I just need to access them)
I just have to keep reminding myself, pain is temporary, I will be o.k.
"The sky is not falling!"

brokenheartfool

Yes, find the things to be grateful for.
Depression is a slippery slope, been there, done that, got the tshirt, and if coupled with anger, is extremely painful.
Isolation makes it doubly so, been down that road too.
You are catching yourself before I did--I went down that slippery slope very far indeed. I spent years mired in anger and despair.
I didn't understand it, didn't understand what was happening to me.
Codependency was happening to me.
Until I became codependent, I was never depressed like that and had an easygoing approach to people--live and let live.
After I learned to detach from the alcoholic in my life and find acceptance--which was the hardest thing of all--and accept the death of the dream as I had envisioned it--then I could finally set aside my anger and be grateful again for all the beautiful things in my life.
I am still pulling myself up from the abyss of despair.
I am back to live and let live.
That means my role is to live!

starlight40

Thanks agin for all your replies.

I just got back from my neighbor's house (yes I got out today!)
She called to invite me over for coffee, and to let me know that the Gym is opening Tues. So I'll be going to the gym every day!

Things are looking up!