WIworrier

Some of you may remember my story...I don't post to often... But I do read ALOT...
So I finally had to let my 20 yr AS (DOC is H) go...
We (mostly me) were at our wits end...Like everyone else's story; he was a straight A student who just went down the wrong path...
He has smashed up 2 cars...OD'ed 2x...been in rehab 2x...
Never has been to jail...
He does live at home and works for my husbands small company. We took away his phone a while ago and now he has no job. Of course no $ either.
1 month ago he totaled out his car...(again) this time he was able to buy it back from the ins co (he pays his ins and car payments...though since he works for us we really pay them!) He was able to pay someone/friend to fix it and now the car is ready to be picked up...Well...he owes the guy $3000 and hmmmm no money! I have been telling him that today he would be getting drug tested and if he wasn't clean...out he would go. Well 3 days ago he did quit H...but has been smoking pot like crazy. Today at work he must of been using K2 (synthetic pot) and he was outta control! So my husband calls...same ole same ole...
I got off work and he was just coming in with a friend... I told him (calmly) since I know he was using again that he needs to go...I packed his things...put them next to his friends car and shut the door...
He has no $$, phone, job, or car....cant get much worse for him....
I do feel bad...but when is enough ... enough...?????
Let him figure it out and hit "rock bottom" I say...

mooselips

(((WIworrier))),
It was hard on me when I get to the point where my AS's had to go, it increased my worrys for a while, then things, (well in MY case) settled down, to the point I could BREATHE.

Prayers for your son,
Peace for you..

Hugs....

Ann

I went through this many times with my son (I'm a slow learner) and the biggest lesson was that I could not live in my recovery and his disease at the same time.

The front row seat to the drama is the worst seat in the house.

I took comfort that he knew where help was, detox, rehabs, AA and NA meetings...and the "real" help was there, not in my home.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs

Eddiebuckle

W, I can only imagine how conflicted you might feel about this, but your insticts are right. Your son is the only person who can get him out of this, and supporting him as you have is enabling him to continue. You obviously know that from how you wrote your post - just wanted to explicitly say you are doing the right thing (I am an alcoholic, 14 months sober).

keepinon

All the "chances and helping" didn't work..hopefully feeling the consequences of his addiction which unfortunately can include..homelessness, hunger, illness,shame,dirtiness, etc, will allow him to feel the pain needed to surrender..it did work with my daughter, who is also a heroin addict (I know things can go sideways at any time)..she is 5 mo. clean now..hang in there..get to some meetings and really try to focus on yourself..something magic happens when we take the focus off the sick person and start paying attention to all the others in our lives..

Freedom1990

Thank you so much for this, Ann!

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. It is so hard to send them out when we know that things may get worse before they get better. I agree with Ann, I also find it very difficult to maintain my serenity with my AS in my house.

I love the saying "Let go or be dragged". I've been dragged through a lot with my AS and I'm usually pretty good at letting go....... but every once in a while, I find myself holding on again and wonder why I have a mouth full of dirt.

I know your mother's heart hurts right now.

gentle hugs

SunriseSunset

I like that. "Let go or be dragged"... isn't that the truth. I need to write that down.

WIworrier

24 hours have passed...
He did call his dad late yesterday afternoon and wanted to know if we could pay him the work money we owed him for this week...
He got a ride down to the shop and my husband gave him the $120 we owed him...
I am sure it is almost , if not all , gone....
His problem not mine....
I can only hope he uses this time to think about how much he has lost....
At the age of 20 he has no home...... no money... no job....no car...no phone....and very few friends....
Sad....very sad....

keepinon

It is sad, but there is hope in that loss..when we feel enough pain, we seek to end it.I chose recovery when my pain was too much to bear.So did my daughter.It is hard to know they suffer, but suffering can bring you to your knees and give you a new beginning...have faith that not contributing to his addiction is HELPING him..it is..

WIworrier

So...I am thinking we may get a phone call now that his $$ is probably gone and his weekend of partying is almost over.
I know he is staying with a friend (20 doesn't work and on probation) and his father(also no job and alcoholic)literally down the road form us.
He is going to sob,whine, promise (manipulate)...blah blah blah
And my spouse will wanna take him back...
I need to be able to have that plan in place for us (spouse)
IDEAS?
On a side note...my spouse FINALLY realized he can run our shop WITHOUT our son's help ! yah ( told him this years ago!)

IDEAS PLEASE!!

mooselips

WI,
This is the hard part, because you need to have a united front.

I undermined Mr. Mooses great plans of boundaries and detachment, many times, by being sucked in, and just feeling "sorry" for my addicts. I'm proud to say I'm a little more informed now.

Maybe your husband would be willing to attend some Alanon meetings with you?
Or perhaps he could come here, and read the stickies.

Now is the time for a plan, together, so you're on the same page.

Good luck.

Remember, addicts are resourceful.

Hugs from one mom to another........

keepinon

One idea that was given too me by an alanon friend and I used alot was to have a line and stick with it..one of them was,"It is time for you to be on your own"..it took the addiction/using out of it (which she denied, duh) and just staed that we were done having her live at home.
It avoided having us engage in an argument which is absolutely pointless with mastermanipulatorusingaddicts...when you engage you lose..you can repeat your phrase calmly over and over..
Another popular alanon phrase is"you might be right"..this can come in handy..ex."You are the worst parents ever!You won't even give me a chance"..reply"You might be right"
"You'll regret this..I'l never talkt to you again!" .."you might be right"
It's when we fool ourselves into thinking that we can talk them into something that we get into trouble..they will get us every time as we are vulnerable to their tactics.It's actions not words on both sides that actually matters.
Hope these tips can help, but it's really just holding your boundary..you asked him to leave for good reason...

mooselips

One more reply...
I've used this one ALOT!

You're so smart,
we love you so much,
we're sure you're going to figure this out.

(Not the exact words, that I learned from a seasoned S.R. gal,
but the part I can remember....)

Kindeyes

Calm compassion. It is so difficult when they call and they are at such a low point.

The other night at my Naranon meeting there were some simple words that literally JUMPED off the page at me.

"Let them dance with their addiction alone."

Our sons want us to carry the burden of their addiction with them, therefore, lightening their load. And as much as it hurts us, we can't. It's a burden that they must carry alone. I have to tell myself regularly that I will always and forever support him in his recovery efforts but I will not enable him in his disease. Sometimes harder said than done and I certainly don't do it perfectly. But we're striving for progress.....not perfection, right?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is gut wrenching. We're here for you and will support you when you think you can no longer stand on your own. It will give you time to get your legs underneath you again.

gentle hugs