concernednurse

"You cannot think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking." Does anyone have any personal examples of this?

Thumper

Well I wanted to be 'OK' with my xah's discomfort etc. I wanted to not feel terrible (guilty, responsible, afraid, mad, physically sick, afraid, unsure, worried, afraid, wrong) when he was in such a dark place as I went about doing the right thing for myself and my children. I thought a lot about that. I did not want to act until I worked through that.

When I finally started acting (by doing the next right thing), despite those feelings, I eventually got it. I was able to separate my feelings from his. His feelings stayed over their with him and I had my own. I couldn't get there until I walked there first though.

Shellcrusher

Sure.
I stopped thinking about what's right for my wife and started doing what's right for me.

nodaybut2day

Yep. When I kept talking myself into staying, I asked myself what a "normal" person would do in my shoes, made a list and just went down the list. I didn't let myself think about things, or doubt my actions, I just acted. I cancelled services, I opened and closed various accounts, I did not give him any mula for booze, I had our lease reassigned, etc etc. Eventually, my thinking fell in line with my actions.

Shellcrusher

Bingo

nodaybut2day

"Fake it till you make it"

concernednurse

I'm trying to act my way into right thinking. I'm going to al-anon, im reading books- three right now (Drinking: A Love Story, Codependence No More, and I think there's another one), reading here incessantly- probably obsessively, going to marriage and family therapy with ABF, communicating with ABF, praying for patience for him (his "recovery," 3 weeks sober, is not on my timeline, which I know, but have trouble accepting) and praying for patience for myself while knowing that this will all play out in its own time, talking to my friends, and family... I'm making connections and having insights... but damn, the thinking, is just so toxic. It scary, and its hard, and it hurts.

Thumper

You are doing a lot of the right things. You might consider swapping some of the marriage therapy for individual therapy. I think you'd get a lot further with that if your alcoholic isn't in recovery.

The thing to be careful for is that you don't confuse wrong feelings and gut feelings. For many years I ignored my inner voice and tried to change my thinking. That didn't work out very well. That is complicated and individual counseling would help with that. It is entirely possible that I am wayyy off the mark and if so please do not be offended. It was just the first thing that popped into my head so thought I'd share.

concernednurse

I just re-read my post... I think "Accepting the things I cannot change" is super super hard for me right now. I love my alcoholic, he's not the horror story of an alcoholic that I read about here, but that doesn't mean he won't be one some day, and that's why I'm here... I have told him this. He is listening, and trying to the best of his ability. That's what makes it harder... is that his willingness to try for me is 100%. The kicker... his willingness is "for me," I wish beyond anything he would do it for him. He's a wonderful person. Ugh.

Edit: One thing that I have realized though, I dunno if it was CynicalOne or who that made me question... is that it's NOT MY RIGHT nor my responsibility to change him (toxic), or ask him to change (toxic), or in the real case, subconsciously try to convince him (toxic) that he needs changing (toxic), or helping (toxic), or fixing (toxic). He is worthy of love (toxic) God, I apologized to him for doing this, for trying to "help" him, for making him feel like a child. He didn't ask me for help. He isn't helpless! He is capable...... but he has to dig deep to know that. Ugh x2!! :P

concernednurse

Sorry, I think I hijacked my own thread... but replies are still very welcome!

Shellcrusher

hah! Did you do it without thinking or only realized what you did once you thought about it?

Tuffgirl

concernednurse, i loved it when you first posted that saying. I love it just as much today. I am doing this very thing right now - acting on what I know is the right thing to do and hoping my emotions catch up with me soon. Because emotionally I am experiencing a lot of turmoil about this decision, but if I don't act in my own best interests, who will? So what I feel and what I know don't match, but I will continue to move forward regardless.

And don't worry about wandering off topic on your own thread...sounds like you are processing and it helps to lay it all out sometimes. You sound pretty insightful - good for you! This is hard; changing one's perspective. But if you focus on yourself, amazingly other things begin to fall into place on their own.

Now, I am going to go take that advice I just gave you!

concernednurse

hahhahaahah! I guess the action led to the thinking in this case. Ironic! But nevertheless, the connections are being made

BuffaloGal

Oh, I think you're allowed to hijack your own post, think of it as a work in progress

Lemmee tellya about the power of pretending. During the worst of my divorce, I was desperately trying to re-train myself to socialize... for the first time since I was about 8. I was 37 at that time. At the time I was really, really introverted. I like people, I'm not totally antisocial, but I find interacting with live human beings to be pretty exhausting... and on top of that I was at the personal low point of my adult life to date due to the end of my marriage.

I had absolutely nothing to offer anyone as a friend.

However, did the rest of the world know that? No, they did not. I joined online social groups and forced myself to go places and do things that I would have been too intimidated to do until then. There is a great freedom that comes when the worst thing has happened... you're at liberty not to be scared anymore. I'm a dreadful dancer and I was clueless about making conversation at the time, so signed up for dinners and dances and I pretended to be a happy, outgoing person for a couple of hours. What difference did it make if I looked foolish on the dance floor? My husband was having a relationship with someone else, and a little embarrassment about a dumb dance wasn't going to hurt me much after that.

Amazingly, this experiment worked beyond all my expectations. I ended up with a circle of friends, and even a boyfriend. I started all this in about October of 2005. I made six New Year's resolutions regarding my social life for 2006, and by April I'd kept five of them. I still have a solitary streak but I did substantially change the way I view myself, and I repaired a serious problem in my life (lack of social support) by pretending to be something I wasn't, but wanted to be.

LexieCat

Wanting not to be alcoholic and thinking about getting sober didn't get me sober. But quitting drinking made me want to STAY sober, and it motivated me to do what was necessary to stay that way.

brokenheartfool

Another example--
I have procrastination problems with working and I'm self-employed. I have to force myself to get the work done quite often. The fruit of the labor always comes later when the fruit ripens.

We all want instant gratification don't we--not just alcholics.