Buffalo66

Books? Anything?

Are there any books on moving on after an abusive relationship.? Why Does He do That doesnt really hit the mark.

I need some help. No Contact is not sticking. Our son is still recovering, with new stomach complications.
I finally got a break, with MIL coming to my rescue and taking my son for last night and today. I had a severe anxiety attack as soon as he was out of my care, shaking, vomitted on the way home.

It just all came like a tidal wave.

RA is calling me even tho son is ith his mother, and I am answering, because yelling at him is giving me some kind of relief from pressure.
I know I am sick with toxicity right now, and I want to be free.

He is just moving on, feeling great, calling me and asking how Im holding up?!?! It feels like taunting.

He could not come over and relieve me for a shift before son was out of the weeds. He was at the bar playing pool. He claims he was working non stop. LIES!

I have hit my bottom, and Ill tell you what I am finding down here, is a whole S*it load of serious anger...Which does not feel like healing to me..

I just feel still strung up in his web, still angry. I want to let go. I want to be free.

At least my sons counselor who met RA at the hospital let me know that he saw that there is something, "rather imbalanced there" in RA.
He said he feels like I made the right decision, but in sons counseling session, I heard him (son) telling counselor that daddy left because Mommy yelled at him so much, and that he (son) is mad about that.

I am boiling in my veins. I have this time off, and I am boiling.
Now I will get my son back, and try again to just not answer calls.

Im sorry. I wish I was stronger. I am not right now.

I am weak. I am angry I am feeling vengeful.

LOL...I am thinking stupid petty things, Like I wish he would go bald. Its his biggest fear.
I am usually not this petty.
GRRRRRRR

tallulah

Counselling.
Getting in touch with a DV organisation and speaking to fellow survivors.
Keeping contact with the RA to an absolute minimum and to the specific subject of your son.
Al-anon.
Kick-boxing or some other sport/fitness activity that allows you to punch the stuffing out of inanimate objects.
Yoga.

If I can think of more sane savers I'll post them.

Tx

barb dwyer

Write this down:

There is no rule that says
you have to handle everything
like Jesus would have handled it.

All you have to do
is what you CAN do.

When you said 'relapse' that scared me
I thought you meant you were moving him back in.

You don't have to whip out the forgiveness
every single time.
You don't have to glow in the dark
walk on water or heal the sick.
you don't have to lead the masses
to the promised land.

All you have to do is get from the beginning of this day
to the end of this day.

That other stuff is mythos. Fiction.

All you have to be is present.

You don't have to talk softly
say 'namaste' all the time
or dress like a shepherd.

Grab that anger by the root
and get into the art room
and create.
Give it form.
Color.
See it for what it is.

Yank it out
and put it down on canvas.

That's a way to trick anger into being productive.

er... just sayin. Just ... an opinion.

The problems we face right now are not insurmountable -
they're just new.

stella27

Don't take his crazy-making calls.
Email an update re: DS once per day
A long, long walk
a nap


Yelling at him keeps you stuck, even though it feels like relief.
Move on, move on, move on.

Tuffgirl

Have I told you today, barb, how much I love you?

Your wisdom is such a comfort. Thank you!

Buffalo66 - I find working off anger or nerves being most therapeutic...I take a walk, or run, or ski it off. I am about ready to go do it right now because I am really fretting today. Burn some calories and release some endorphins.

Prayers for you and your son!
~T

Shellcrusher

I'm with Tuffgirl on this.

Learn to use that anger in a positive way. Let it fuel a walk around the block. A jog around the park. Arm wrestle a Grizzly Bear. I don't know. Just don't let yourself get all hung up on being disappointed with yourself because you're angry. It's a very, very pure emotion and if used appropriately, you can do some amazing things.

barb dwyer

Hey came back as soon as class was over to see how you are doing?

I'm also in the middle of a 'frantic' friday
nothing with an ex -
just the gov't section 8 people.

funny that it brings up the same things.

anyhow - hope it's calming down for ya now!

Buffalo66

I am going to be ok.
RA called last night right before sleeping and gave me this sweet voice, saying ge hoped I got some rest and good dreams. I told him that he was not in a position to speak to me that way anymore.

That may have really triggered my anger.
He always does this. What a grand scheme.
He is like a mild version of Charlie sheen.

I need to block him out. Block him on facebook.
He posted some crap post abt how he keeps dreaming that he is walking around with a tiny potted plant, and he is protecting it vigilantly, and certain people in his life keep trying to get him to drop it. I just boiled over it.

Everyone posting responses like, u r trying to nurture a new part of u, don't let anyone topple that!
I wanted to respond, " how does that little plant do down at ****s bar? That doesn't seem like a good place for a fragile new part of urself..."

barb, I kno it can't be seamless. It's not all "namaste", but the fact is, that is how he is acting toward me. Calling to see how I'm doing, if I "need anything"!?

It's inauthentic, and it's maddening.
Thanks to you guys. Your posts help more than u know!

Sylvie66

I have a list of four things that really help (in any stressful situation):

1. a hug
2. a cup of tea
3. a bath
4. a nap

repeat as long as necessary!


- Sylvie

wicked

Interesting how he has to ask you if you need anything.
How about putting down the friggin potted plant and nurture your son.
Pfffft.

Hang in there and speak as little as possible.
Hello.
give update on son.
goodbye.

Beth

tjp613

He's checking on you for the entertainment value -- sounds like you are giving him quite a show! Not judging at all!!... I'd react EXACTLY like you are, if not 20x worse. Just saying that I've BTDT and figured out the hard way (taking 3 years to do it) that No Contact is the only way to go.

Bless your heart -- you have really got your plate full right now. ((((Hugs))) You do NOT need his added aggravation.

brokenheartfool

My exah does the same thing.
I'm starting to believe he enjoys torturing me emotionally.
I have one thing figured out though I think--some kind of recent brain cloud lift and a lightbulb went on --
HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE!

So there's no expectations on my part anymore for him to be any different.

Ahhhh...relief. Acceptance. That's how he is, and that's how he will always be unless something much bigger and stronger bites him in his arse--perhaps something like his higher power.
One thing I know for sure is--I sure don't have that power.

LexieCat

Sometimes I could de-fuse the bomb by making little predictions what would come next. The script, ya know? OK, I've seen this show before, here's where he says "yadayad potted plant."

It's all re-runs, these shows, aren't they?

chicory

I am gonna be bad,and pray that he goes bald, he deserves that , at the very least. and i hope he has a really ugly shaped head. with some nasty age spots on it- real soon.

prayers for you and your son, that healing comes very soon and relief from all your stress and worry.

big hugs,
chicory

chicory

I And- I can tell him how to protect that little tiny potted plant, but it wont get much sunshine there..............


I can be sooooooo bad.....

barb dwyer

TIme to 'unfriend' on fb.

He doesn't even get a notice.
SO he will keep spewing his drivel
but it doesn't get on you.

I go through my fb people about once every 60 days.

If you tried to sell me something
you're out.
If you preached more than I wanted to hear it
you're out.
If you whined and moaned
same thing.

My fb is a HAPPY place.
where I go for entertainment
and to connect with people that I *like*.

It's not hiding with the blanket over my head.

It's making a decision of what kind of people
are good for me in my new life and who make me smile.

zrx1200R

He is pushing your buttons and ultimately is in control. You are responding, not acting.

They are master manipulators. They have nothing to loose.

Do not apply a normal person's reality to his actions. He is not normal.

To answer the question of how would ZRX stay clear?

Never answer a phone call from him. EVER.
Change the voice mail on my cell phone to not accept voice messages, so I wouldn't even have to hear what he has to say.
Respond only via emails.
Never respond to an email until the day after it is sent
Never hit the send key until 3 hours after I composed the message and re-read it at least 3 times.
Keep telling myself they lie, cheat, manipulate, and delude. Their world is not like mine.

After a few days of this, I think I would sit back and enjoy the quiet calm.

I never did worry about the little things.

Buffalo66

Ok. Calmer now. Thanks for the responses.

I actually think it is going to b a little while until I can go ful NC.
Our son just had surgery, and now we are going into a time of testing for an unrelated issue for him.
RAH is getting settled into his apartment. I saw where it is. He is owning more and more(via text) his issues in having to leave. He now frames it as, him "losing me". Which he did. He says he lost me because he did not go the correct route for recovery and now has that choice. He equates himself w a college student first time out of the home, and the housing he chose reflects that. It is institutional, pretty much an off campus dorm suite.

Interesting note;
His mother, who chastised and berated me for making boundaries three months ago, who did not call or talk to me for the duration of his living here with us, dropped off my son yesterday and is now completely back to "her old self"... Taking my side, completely supportive, asking what happened.

Strange, but it seems that she is quite comfy when he and I are at odds, but not so much when we are together. Strange, but I really appreciated the backup. She plainly stated she thought he was a mess, if a sober mess, and also confirmed that his brother backs him up seamlessly when it comes to me. She called it "blind loyalty"...

Strange family, but then again, who's isn't?

NYCDoglvr

It's always much easier to put the focus on someone else's problems than deal with your own.