eddie73

I am finished my latest relapse. It lasted a week and was a very sneaky one. I was presented with a moment of temptation and I let the process take over.

Where I am at now, it is not as bad as my Christmas slip, but the bankrupt feeling is there. My mood is depressed, I have sobriety to achieve again.

I missed meetings and lost my strength and will.

The process took an instant and I was on a bender before I knew what happened. Daily I would stop and say thats it but come evening time, I would be looking for a bottle in a shop or a pub.

Its true that my sobriety has suffered a setback. I dont want this to happen again. I may not have another recovery left in me if I let this get out of control again.

Alcoholism is deadly.

Inafishbowl

Eddie. Welcome back! Dust yourself off and I'm happy you're safe.

eddie73

Thanks in a fish bowl. I am dusting myself off and preparing for a meeting tonight at 8 30. I expect to break down at it. I am so sick of relapsing. My strong wish is for peace. I rarely get it sober and am tormented when I drink.

jamdls

I hope you learned from your mistake and have a plan what to do when the next temptation comes around because it will.

24hrsAday

welcome back.. you can do it ODAAT!

Inafishbowl

Mine too. I have zero. But I'm trusting those who say it will come. I hear the scariest relapse stories from the people in my meetings who have the longest sobriety and the most serenity. That's my higher power right now. Peace to you.

EmeraldRose

Glad you're back...pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get back up on that horse.

Creekryder

Eddie, I think sometimes we put too much emphasis on the days sober, rather than just being sober. I have fallen into that mindset too many times. With this importance of number of days, if, by a stroke of unfortunate events, you relapse, then a "OMG, I have to start all over again" syndrome sets in and can actually undermine your recommitment. Of course the period of time sober is an achievement worthy of notation, but more importantly is the sobriety of the moment. Recovery takes a lot of time and setbacks sometimes enter into the equation. Don't allow the numbers take precedence over the most important fact of fighting the addiction. Hop back in the saddle and don't look back to where you fell off. That's past history and has no meaning on today. Hold on to the reins, as the trail gets rough in parts.

eddie73

Very true. Kind and wise words. I stopped counting days too. I have about 5 days of torment ahead, then back to the way I was before I relapsed. Thats scary.

SSIL75

So glad you're back!

eddie73

Afraid

SSIL75

The depression after a bender is crippling, I remember

Anna

Alcoholism is a relentless disease and I'm glad you recognize how important your recovery is.

keithj

It was never about strength and will for me. In fact, as long as I relied on my strength and will, I kept coming up empty and couldn't stay sober either.

I recovered in AA by realizing what the others who recovered in AA realized. That strength and will were wholly insufficient for recovery.

FrothyJay

Suggestion: stop trying not to drink, and start trying to find a power that can solve your problem. That's what AA is for. If you don't hear that message in your meeting, I suggest trying to find another one.

You did not make a mistake. You did what alcoholics do-- we drink. Now, you can go with that rationale and die, or get about recovering through a spiritual awakening. It works.

How many times does willpower have to fail before we realize it doesn't work?

eddie73

Thanks keithj. This is going to keep coming up again and again. Higher power, God. I wish I had faith and belief. I dont know why it has to be so hard. Feck it anyway

keithj

I came to AA as a staunch atheist who felt that belief in a higher power was a crutch for weak-minded people who couldn't face life successfully.

About all I had going for me was desperation. I simply could not stay sober for very long. But I also had another thing going for me. I had no delusions that I could stay sober on my own power. I had failed too many times to believe that lie again.

So, if I know I'm screwed, and I have no faith, what then? Well, that's when I was shown the minimum requirements for Step 2. Was I willing to believe there was a power greater than me? I sure didn't believe in any of that crap, but you bet I was willing to. It was either that or keep living like I was living. Yeah, I was willing to set aside my contempt. At least for a minute or two.

I took the actions as shown in the BB, and I recovered. Textbook.

There's a line in that Step 2 directions, that 'it has been repeatedly shown among us that upon this simple cornerstone [willingness to believe in something greater than me], a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.' My experience exactly.

quotes aabb1st

FrothyJay

I found that when I had a thorough first step-- when I truly understood the gravity of my situation and that my willpower would continue to fail me-- my second step shifted from wondering if there was a power greater than myself to hoping with all my being that there was something. I was agnostic, unsure, and yet willing.

Can you be willing to believe? It's all that's required.

The steps bring us to that power. We don't get it first in meetings and then do the steps.

And the power, for me, does not sermonize at me, make me levitate, lecture me or threaten me. It simply restored me to sanity, and removed the urge to drink.

Not a bad deal.

Creekryder

Fear is not an uncommon visitor to an alcoholic. Fear is not necessarily something evil. It is an emotion that let's us know something isn't exactly right and we're possibly in danger. Fear of failure runs rampant in us drunks at times. But let fear be your wakeup call and not your suppressor. Don't allow fear to make your decision, let it be the catalyst for you to make a choice. Take a long, deep breath, be thankful you survived your relapse, and continue (not start again) your road to recovery. Hang in there, Eddie, it's worth it.

Dee74

Hi Eddie
I know you can do this because so many others here have done it too

Look within yourself and find whats holding you back - what do you think is stopping you from making the leap into full and lasting recovery?

D