So used to doing whatever *I* want, following *MY* will!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
So used to doing whatever *I* want, following *MY* will!
I am really struggling in NA/AA. I have a great sponsor, go to meetings, work the steps, read the literature, be of service, pray, etc.... and yet, I can not stop living on my own self-will. I can not align my will with my higher power's will. I know roughly what my higher power wants me to do (do the next right thing, take care of myself, etc) but I still want to screw people over and let myself down. I don't really know WHY, but I really want to recover sometimes, and other times I just don't care!
Even when I do care, though, I find it really hard to do the next right thing. It isn't always a drug-related issue I have, but it usually is addiction-related-- related to the character defects that addicts tend to have. I act on a defect or fail to act on a spiritual principle. Often this has led to relapse for me. I feel like I have lost the battle long before I ever pick up.
Even when I do care, though, I find it really hard to do the next right thing. It isn't always a drug-related issue I have, but it usually is addiction-related-- related to the character defects that addicts tend to have. I act on a defect or fail to act on a spiritual principle. Often this has led to relapse for me. I feel like I have lost the battle long before I ever pick up.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by Onewithwings 
I am really struggling in NA/AA. I have a great sponsor, go to meetings, work the steps, read the literature, be of service, pray, etc.... and yet, I can not stop living on my own self-will. I can not align my will with my higher power's will. I know roughly what my higher power wants me to do (do the next right thing, take care of myself, etc) but I still want to screw people over and let myself down. I don't really know WHY, but I really want to recover sometimes, and other times I just don't care!
Even when I do care, though, I find it really hard to do the next right thing. It isn't always a drug-related issue I have, but it usually is addiction-related-- related to the character defects that addicts tend to have. I act on a defect or fail to act on a spiritual principle. Often this has led to relapse for me. I feel like I have lost the battle long before I ever pick up.
Even when I do care, though, I find it really hard to do the next right thing. It isn't always a drug-related issue I have, but it usually is addiction-related-- related to the character defects that addicts tend to have. I act on a defect or fail to act on a spiritual principle. Often this has led to relapse for me. I feel like I have lost the battle long before I ever pick up.
Your strong mind and character sabotages your recovery. You want recovery but not out of weakness, you want it to be your own choice.
My husband says to this day how proud he is of himself for getting me to detox....he he I'm thinking to myself: "you only recommended it to me, I decided to go by my own will".
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
What do you mean "work the steps"...have you finished the initial step work with your sponsor, the writing of step 4, the sharing of step 5, the writing of step 8, the action of making amends in step 9?
Are all the amends done?
If you have done all that and been through the steps in between you have finished the initial step work which will be integrated into your thinking and life whether you want it or not...
Is that what you mean? That's the program of AA.
If you have done all that and then are refusing to integrate the principle of the steps into your life then you might have either not been rigorously honest or need a new sponsor to go through the steps again?
Are all the amends done?
If you have done all that and been through the steps in between you have finished the initial step work which will be integrated into your thinking and life whether you want it or not...
Is that what you mean? That's the program of AA.
If you have done all that and then are refusing to integrate the principle of the steps into your life then you might have either not been rigorously honest or need a new sponsor to go through the steps again?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
OWW, you have to recover for yourself it will never work IMO if you aren't. I'm not an AA person, but I am familiar and integrated a version of the steps into my own recovery, and it sounds to me like you might need to start over working the steps and/or try a different approach. I hope you find your way.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
OWW-
I certainly know how you feel and most of "us" alkies / addicts lived in complete self will and we were very, very selfish.
Are you sure you're not beating yourself up?
Remember, progress, not perfection. There may be (and for me this is true) a long period of reconstruction.
Keep working those steps and go back and work them again if you have to.
Remain willing, humble, and honest and keep taking the next right action.
Don't give up now, in fact, step up your recovery. Just do it!
Kjell
I certainly know how you feel and most of "us" alkies / addicts lived in complete self will and we were very, very selfish.
Are you sure you're not beating yourself up?
Remember, progress, not perfection. There may be (and for me this is true) a long period of reconstruction.
Keep working those steps and go back and work them again if you have to.
Remain willing, humble, and honest and keep taking the next right action.
Don't give up now, in fact, step up your recovery. Just do it!
Kjell
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Could it be that you are self-sabotaging?
I'm asking this because I was the Queen of self-sabotage. Whenever something good would come my, I would mess it up and put the blame elsewhere. Believe that you deserve good things in your life.
Tolle talks a lot about 'intention'. What is the intention behind each choice you make every day. If the intention is a good and positive one, then good results will follow. If you choose to do something that is hurtful to others, you will also feel the pain.
I'm asking this because I was the Queen of self-sabotage. Whenever something good would come my, I would mess it up and put the blame elsewhere. Believe that you deserve good things in your life.
Tolle talks a lot about 'intention'. What is the intention behind each choice you make every day. If the intention is a good and positive one, then good results will follow. If you choose to do something that is hurtful to others, you will also feel the pain.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I feel the same way alot. My problem is me and my thinking or rationalizations sometimes.
I figure I always make it back or this is just how I always been why change now.
I can really get at myself at times.
Thats usually when I should reach out and get a different percpective from someone else that may be able to help.
I dont know much about the steps.
I try to follow the Karma rules.
Like someone already said about what you put out will be what you get back.'
sometimes I just have let go of the wheel and let things happen and stop trying to be in charge all the time. And that goes for every aspect in my life. Not just with my addiction.
I am already a control freak.
Just do as you should and watch everything else fall into place.
I figure I always make it back or this is just how I always been why change now.
I can really get at myself at times.
Thats usually when I should reach out and get a different percpective from someone else that may be able to help.
I dont know much about the steps.
I try to follow the Karma rules.
Like someone already said about what you put out will be what you get back.'
sometimes I just have let go of the wheel and let things happen and stop trying to be in charge all the time. And that goes for every aspect in my life. Not just with my addiction.
I am already a control freak.
Just do as you should and watch everything else fall into place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
My litmus test is always seriously asking myself these 3 questions:
Will (whatever I'm wanting) hurt anyone?
Will (whatever I'm wanting) hurt me?
Will I feel stupid about (whatever I'm wanting) in the morning?
If the answer is no to all 3, and I still want (whatever I'm wanting), I go ahead
Will (whatever I'm wanting) hurt anyone?
Will (whatever I'm wanting) hurt me?
Will I feel stupid about (whatever I'm wanting) in the morning?
If the answer is no to all 3, and I still want (whatever I'm wanting), I go ahead
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