friendtoafriend

My best friends 19 yo daughter spent Dec 2009 through Dec 2010 in an inpatient treatment for heroin. She was 17 going in, and turned 19 a few months after coming home. She spent 6 weeks in outpatient after coming home, her choice, not mandatory. She was clean and fabulous. But since outpatient ended, she seemed different, and this week admitted to her mom that she had been using again, asked to go to the dr for withdrawl drugs, had her "friends" blocked from her phone. She'd been clean for like 15 months, but not unusual for a relapse, isn't it 80 or 90% of people will relapse after treatment? So, after only 1 day on the withrawl meds (clonodin and clonazepam) the daughter took off (she has a car) and we are all assuming she went to get high, but we don't know for sure. The mom and dad haven't laid out a plan for what if....like if she does this, we will do this. Dad is out of town at the moment, so mom is freaked out, but also so done with it. She knows she can't help her anymore. MY husband thinks she should put daughters belongings on the porch and say u r out. I think that might be fine for a 26year old with some life skills and a job, but a 19 year old, who spent age 17 and 18 in rehab? I disagree. Her parents don't give her money, she had a part time job for awhile, cleaning motel rooms, but quit when she found drug paraphenalia in the room she was cleaning. They provide a place to live, she just got another PT job, and interviewed for another today, so there are positive things to go along with the situation. I think that they should wait out the W/D meds (1 week) then when dad gets back in town, set down some specific If - Then type scenarios.

I think if they were to kick her out on a first relapse, at 19, without any life skills, where would she live? She'd end up in an addicts bed, perhaps the morgue soon after. Am I wrong? Is hubby wrong? How do I support my friend and advise her?
Thank you.

rose

This is very tragic. I know you are trying to be very supportive to your friend and she needs all the support she can get, but to tell you the truth this is not a place for yourself to be. Mom and Dad have to decide together the action that they are going to take with her, what ever they decide you and your husbands support is going to go along way.

I feel for Mom and Dad, a parents worst nightmare.

Rose

Kindeyes

Friend
Welcome to SR......there are a lot of people who have dealt with the heartbreak of addiction here.

I'm so sorry that your friend is dealing with this problem with her daughter. And how lucky your friend is to have a good friend like you! As far as advising your friend goes, here are my cautionary thoughts. Are you ready to take responsibility for whatever outcome may occur to your friend's daughter? If her daughter continues to use, are you ready to be held responsible for that? If her daughter dies, are you ready to be blamed? The reason that I mention this is because when we advise someone on what they should do and they take our advice, we inadvertently assume responsibility for the outcome.

Supporting your dear friend and her husband with whatever they decide to do with/for their daughter is being a really good friend. Refraining from judging them if they don't do what you thought they should have done, that's being a really good friend. Being there with a hug and a good listening ear may mean more to your friend than all the advice in the world.

As a good friend, you can give gifts. There are great books out there on addiction and codependence. Or you can lead her to this site where she can get support from others who are going through the same thing as she is. We won't give her advice here, but we can share our experience, strength and hope.

Unfortunately, dealing with an addict sometimes requires some very counterintuitive thinking. As a parent, doing things that are completely opposite of what we think is the right thing is often the "thing" that gives our loved one their best chance at sobriety.

Your friend is very lucky to have you and I hope that you can be a wonderful source of support for her. She is dealing with a situation that can create unimaginable pain and anxiety. If your friend is not already going to a support group like Naranon or Alanon, she can find some relief from her pain and anxiety in those rooms.

We all need good friends like you.

gentle hugs