stephanie119

I suck at this. I went back to "social" drinking, which inevitably led to "unsocial" drinking. I joined a "quit smoking" site this morning, because I am so scared that I will die of cancer....I am one of those "only smoke when I drink people", so I am often uncertain which of the 2 poisons are beckoning me to the front porch after the kids go to bed. I know I have had a drink to justify a cigarette. Either way, I end up in a drunken stupor. And then it dawned on me....the only reason I ever picked up that first cigarette after having quit when I got pregnant with my first child (so almost 5 years without a smoke) was because I got drunk at a block party. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Damn it! It always comes back to the alcohol, doesn't it? I can attribute so many of my poor choices, mistakes, embarrassments and shameful moments to having been intoxicated. I'm so angry, sad and lonely right now. All of the people we socialize with drink. I long so much for a friend who is going through the same experiences I am...someone who won't ask me to go out for a glass of wine. And while I have met so many nice people at the handful of AA meetings I have gone to, I have not run across women anywhere near my age....not that this is a requirement for friendship by any means, but it would be nice to meet someone who also has young kids, a similarly boring life as a suburban mom, etc. ;-) I am a fraud with my children...a hypocritical "closet smoker" and "secret nighttime drunk". My kids deserve so much more than a hung over mommy. I suck. Day 1...Round 2.

ReadyAndAble

You don't suck. You're here, and giving it another go, which puts you squarely on the same path followed by everyone here who successfully transformed their lives! Cheer up—it will get better. And you can do it!

Of course, the obligatory question is this: what do you plan to do differently this time? More face to face support? Actually working the AA steps? Addiction counseling?

As for your friends, if you're not ready to go out and turn down drinks, you gotta stop going out. I've politely declined some invitations out. I've accepted a few others, usually when someone who knows my situation will be there, but declined a few too.

It's a matter of priorities for me. My social life is kinda lackluster to begin with, so it's not ideal for me to be turning down any invitations I get.... but for now sobriety trumps all other considerations.

You really can do it. Be grateful you're back on the wagon and have another chance!

ronf

Steph, WELCOME. Thank you for your post. I'm an old G'pa, but well remember feeling the same as you. Your boring life will go away with the booze. You'll find your kids and the rest of your family a lot funnier and much more fun to be around. Why ? becouse YOU will be much more fun to be around. You WILL still be friends with everybody and find yourself makeing new friends. I truly hope you'll give meetings another chance.

Best wishes, Ron

barriemum

You CAN do it...sounds like we have a lot in common. Too bad we don't live closer together!

I have 3 kids, and don't know any other moms in remotely the same boat as I am (everyone I've met at AA so far is either MUCH older than me, or barely out of their teens)

I can't count the number of times I've started smoking again after quitting for long stretches, due entirely to the fact that I was drunk and my inhibitions were lowered. It's been 2 months today since my last smoke, and 23 days since my last drink. If I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!

Don't be too hard on yourself....hang in there.

stephanie119

Thanks so much. I really needed to hear those words.

GodsHolyWill

You do not suck!!! I think it's wonderful that you're trying to turn your life around and get rid of bad habits! I have to quit smoking too! I wish you the very best with quitting drinking and smoking! Good for you!

Dee74

Welcome back Steph

I agree with everyone else - you're back here and you want to quit for good and you want to do the best for yourself and your kids - that doesn't sound like someone who sucks

Have you got a plan Steph?
D

Kmber2010

Steph you are here and going at this! You can do it and no you don't suck Figure out what is missing or can be added to help you in recovery. Face to face support really helped me so take a look at the options out there and keep moving forward and don't give in. We are here for you!!

stephanie119

The people on this site really are the best. Thank you all. To answer Dee's question...no, I have no plan. At least not a detailed one. I plan to come here daily, pray, exercise and find some replacements for my evening drinking slot...sitting home, feeling the stress of the day leads to drinking for me at this point. I very much want to start going to AA meetings. I need to get out of this damn house at night!

Anna

Hi Stephanie,

Please know we do understand how hard this is.

When my kids were young and I was an at-home Mom (long before I began drinking), I jumped into any school activities that were going on at my kids school. It gave me a chance to meet lots of other Moms in similar cirumstances and really feel good about helping out.

barriemum

I've been going to at least three AA meetings a week, and since I'm home during the day with my kids, the meetings are at night. That helps break up my evening and gives me the inspiration to stay sober that night...

The nights I'm at home, I make sure I have a plan! It may be as simple as planning to watch a particular TV show, or movie, going for a walk or have a bath/shower once the kids are in bed.

For me having a new "routine" other than drinking has been REALLY important. Every day that I go through it I find I like it more and more than drinking. It's really relaxing, and it's such an amazing feeling to get into bed sober.

If I get really stuck in my head I contact my sponsor. That's been really important, too...so if you think AA will work for you, I'd suggest finding a sponsor you feel comfortable with as soon as you can! (bear in mind though, these are just suggestions from a fellow newbie!!!!)

CarolD

Welcome back...

FrothyJay

Hey Steph-- welcome.

I chewed tobacco like a fiend when I drank, and used to wake up, hungover and in a panic that I was not only going to die from mouth cancer, I'd have some disfiguring surgery first.

Alcoholism is the only disease for which there is a treatment that works, yet millions die from it each year. Why is that?

Because at a certain point after stopping drinking, we are unable to stay stopped. Despite the intensity of our commitment, and the recollection of the pain, we revise our plans. We start to feel physically better, and the sharpness of the pain fades. Life starts to get better. And then- BAM- we're back.

Staying stopped requires treating the underlying condition-- the alcoholism.

For me, it required doing the 12 steps of AA.

Reubena

So glad to see you are back Stephanie

You can do this.

You absolutely do not suck.

I'm a Mom to 3 boys (7,7 and 5) and I was so ashamed when I was drinking to the point of utter brain slush every night. I am almost one year sober and life is not perfect but at least I don't feel ashamed anymore. Now I am able to work on improving other stuff in my life.

Finding friends is hard, but it looks like you are putting yourself out there which is great. Just keep at it and I bet you'll find some sober friends soon.

Take care

ronf

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-noticing.html

Steph, check this out.

Ron

stephanie119

Thanks to everyone who took the time to send supportive words my way. And Ron, the link was helpful. I have often wondered what really goes on in the minds and lives of the "perfect" families around me. I know that I usually appeared to have it together...and if I can pull it off, anyone can. I woke up this morning feeling healthy. I love that feeling! No drinks or smokes on the porch last night after lights out for the kids. Just some tv on a cozy couch...I still felt tired from my tour of drunkville the previous night. I have good energy today and I don't feel grumpy. I did, however, make a noticeable withdrawal from the candy section at the store today. Apparently I am replacing red wine with Red Hots....but I'll give that to myself today. Just can't make a habit of it. If I have to be in AA, a quit smoking group and Overeaters Anonymous, my days are just going to get too damn busy ;-). I am faced with a challenge this evening. It is my best friend's bday dinner. I offered to be the designated driver and said I wouldn't be drinking. Perhaps it is a situation to be avoided under most circumstances, but I feel I should go (and I'm looking forward to seeing her). As of this moment, I feel no desire to drink. But I am well aware that this could change on a dime once I am there. That being said, I've promised myself to write in on this site when I get home tonight....and I don't want to fail at this. My mom was a drunk...still can be. She was one of those awful, mentally abusive drunks....and I wanted to be nothing like her. And while I am the happiest drunk you will ever meet, I still became a drunk. Sitting on a porch in sub-zero temperatures with a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other? In many ways, I had become a portrait of my mother....and it sickens me. I am only glad that my children never experienced me that way. But they suffered my hangovers, nonetheless. I started drinking on the weekends when I was 14...in spite of seeing the ugliness that the drug had already brought to my life....after all, it was a great escape and I was NOT my mother, right? That's what I told myself. Those early memories of childhood abandonment and abuse are things I need to truly work through....and I sure can't do that drunk.

Inafishbowl

Damn, girl! I wish you lived closer. Everything you say, right down to the porch, is my life. I'm beginning to meet people my age, but I am surprised that none of them have kids. Having that mommy support is so important. I just bought a book which I haven't read yet. But it sounds good and I'm looking forward to it. It's called "Mommy doesn't drink here anymore".

Hang in there. You can do this. And it will make you an even better mom than, no doubt you probably already are.

Azreal

Steph, hang in there. You might think you have a boring suburban life, but many many people would kill for that! You're also the world to your children! You're their superhero! Remember that!

reggiewayne

Hi Stephanie. I know what you mean about drinking and being lonely and sad. When I quit drinking 91 days ago, I literally had nobody I hung out with on a regular basis. I might make plans with a friend (once a month at best). Or make golf plans. The thing is, the few friends I had, we didn't share our "experience, strength, and hope". We either shared the surface bullshitt "how are you, I'm good, great, tell your wife hi, how's the weather" blah blah blah... Or we bitched about everything under the sun, from politics to sports to the economy, etc... Never about our struggles.

That is what is so wonderful about AA and this site. These relationships start from a common problem. From there, we grow in all other areas of our life. When I entered sobriety, all I wanted to do was not drink. I wasn't concerned about fears, ego, higher power, helping others, getting tokens, making coffee for people, etc... I just wanted to stop the runaway train which was my drinking. What I have found is now, the drinking has stopped and AA is showing me ways to deal with all of the problems that used to paralyze me...

The friends I've made in AA are wonderful. I am 35, I have one friend who is younger than me and all the others are between 40 - 55. I understand your desire to find friends with kids the same age. However, these friends I've made are saving my life so I can continue to be there for my kids.

Here is my suggestion, ready? Just do it. Stop listening to your feelings, and just focus on your actions. Our feelings follow our actions - EVERYTIME. By you going to AA you'll be in a position to meet new, positive people. You never know who is going to walk through that door. Best of luck!!!