My son being bullied- by GIRLS!

Old 03-02-2011, 03:55 AM
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My son being bullied- by GIRLS!

I wrote about my middle son recently, how he's annoying the daylights out of me. He's been acting out a great deal.

So I finally spent enough time with him at one time to get him to open up about what's really going on.

He talked about how he hears name calling at his new middle school. He went to a small, hippie school his entire life, 200 kids from K-8 with multi age classes and organic gardening. Now he's in public school and it's a universe away.

Anyway, he says he gets verbal attacks in every class and between classes, from people he doesn't know. It's been going on for the entire school year, but I thought we had taken care of it four months ago.

I went in and found an ally for him there- the health teacher- and thought he had cleared it up.

He did-with the boys. He says they are easy to deal with , it's the girls who say horrible things to him and laugh. He's been shrugging it off.

Before I found out it was girls, I told him to just go ahead and stand up for himself, whatever that means, and get it over with. He's six feet tall, at 13, and I figured that would end it. Realistically, if these were male teenage boys, it would have worked.

How the hell do we handle mean girls?

I emailed the principal, again, but am seriously thinking of putting him back into his old school. He doesn't want to, because his father told him he would be cutting and running, but he's failing two classes! That's not an environment where he can learn!

Ah, AND i'm leaving again for California tomorrow. I hate traveling like this to work, leaving my kids and little dogs alone.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:55 AM
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To hell with what his father thinks of it. Every child deserves an education free of threats, bullying and anxiety. If the school is allowing this to continue, then they are failing their job and the school is substandard anyway. If you feel it is in his best interest to move him, move him.

<pant, pant> done now.
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:26 AM
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Eighth grade was THE most miserable time of my youth. Mean boys AND girls.

It's tricky when it's the girls picking on the boys. Of course you'd like to protect him from all that, and it's a shame that the mob mentality of kids that age can be so vicious.

My own thought is that as long as there's no physical abuse, it might be good for him to learn ways of coping with it in a way that makes him feel OK about himself. As unpleasant as it was for me to be picked on, it did a couple of positive things for me: it made me appreciate the hurtfulness of words, making me more sensitive to the feelings of others, and it toughened me up a little.

Does the school have an anti-bullying campaign in place? If not, this might be a good way to raise consciousness. A meeting with the principal might be useful. Most educators these days are aware of the potential liability that can come as a result of allowing students to be bullied or harassed.
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:54 AM
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I don't know a lot about bullying, but I know I have no tolerance for it. I would get your son support and/or remove him from the situation ASAP. Nobody should have to feel unsafe emotionally, ever, and as we have seen in the news so many times, children at this age haven't developed or learnt the tools necessary to process and deal with these things appropriately, yet. and they can end up internalizing. IMHO, you need to get him support for this right now, before he turns to drugs or alcohol, or worse, to self medicate. Also, it sounds like you're doing a great job of raising him, being able to get him to open up about it.
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:24 AM
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Trans,
so glad that you were able to get him to open up, and tell you what is going on. That is hard to do sometimes, and some kids suffer this sort of thing with no adults knowing. It is not rare , in our society these days, for kids to be terrorizing a schoolmate, with verbal taunts. at his age, that is really , really, really devastating. If he is acting out and failing two classes, I would say that he is suffering a lot over this already. Bullying is a very serious thing, and I know you are aware of the toll it has taken on some children. Not to scare you, but take it very seriously, please.
I am amazed at the cruelty of some children- and how the schools are not able to stop it, or they just don't see it, or no one reports it.
I guess I would immediately report it, and have some big talks with them, even if you do decide to change his school. I feel that even if the kids are warned not to do this again, they find ways to make a kids life miserable, sneaky , devious ways. I have seen mean kids in action, and it ain't pretty......
I am passionate about this, and I would also say, as posters above, he!! with what dad says, he may not be aware of the consequences of this sort of thing. Trying to toughen up a kid is not the way to deal with a large group of bullies.
you are doing a good job of it Trans, but maybe for safety sake, get him some one to talk to, just to give him some skills to deal , until you decide what he will do. maybe that will be all he needs. but at least, he wont be feeling alone with this serious problem.
It sure is scary raising kids, and school problems are worse than they were 20 years ago. these days, kids can turn to lots of bad things to get acceptance, or relief from anxiety.
if he was happier at his old school (which sounds wonderful to me), is it a problem for him to go there again? how does he feel about it?
i probably just echoed everything said above, but i just had to add my thoughts in there, for this situation is frightening, I know.

big hug momma, hang in there,
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:45 AM
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Im a 50's born baby, so my entire childhood, grade
school, Jr. High and Sr. High school yrs I endured
so much harrassment, bullying, emotional and physical
abuse by classmates and FAMILY. So sad to say.

My 2 kids endured some bullying in school but I talked
to them alot and encouraged them to be strong. Once
they entered band they found their place amongst a family
of friends who supported each other. Their were many
family members to walk, ride, sit, stand along side them
thru their school journey.

I firmly support the arts...whatever it maybe so kids are
not wondering alone by themselves thru their school years.

Band and my recovery help shape and form 2 awesome
talented kids whom im PROUD to call my own.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:42 AM
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I agree with Purple Squirrel. (Now there is a phrase I never thought I would say lol)
((Hugs))
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:08 AM
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IMHO, reminding him in about 3 years these very girls are going to want to DATE him might help.

How do his male friends handle this?

Middle school is the worst. I think it does begin to get better in high school, and there are more choices to ones education there (classes via distance and correspondence, etc.)

What does your son want to do?
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Old 03-02-2011, 10:47 AM
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It's always been amazing to me how much power we parents have and how little we understand about it.

Call the police department and ask them about programs for public schools. I was able to get a sheriffs deputy to contact the Superintendent of schools who in turn contacted the school principal.
That got them moving on starting a program before that crazy mother, Me, started a lawsuit. Doesn't matter whether you do anything or not but if they get the idea that they are gonna have to call their expensive lawyer, they'll get off their butts fast.

You just be your charming, intelligent, involved parent, who needs their help in solving a problem. You've seen all that stuff on the television about bullies. You've heard about that face book stuff. You are worried.

You know how this goes. Document everything.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:43 PM
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Wow thanks for all the help guys

I thought I responded earlier, not sure where that post is!

I am worried and taking this very seriously.
My son does not want to go back to his old school
He says he feels much better just finally getting it out to us,, whereas before he was keeping it quiet.
I'm still working on finding us affordable family therapy, where we can discuss alcoholism, bullying by girls, etc.
The assistant principal returned my call today, I missed it and will have to speak to him tomorrow.
AH has retracted his previous statements and apologized to our son, wasn't aware of that until today.
It's always been amazing to me how much power we parents have and how little we understand about it.
This doesn't apply to me, thank you, and all though you may not have meant it to be, if you're talking to or about me (and why wouldn't you? you're responding to my post) I find it offensive and arrogant.

My question, "how do you handle mean girls? isn't asking, "how to I intervene at the school level to protect my child?" I know how to do that.

I have three sons, and don't allow them to act like assholes. They were raised to be respectful to both genders, to all creation.

I'm also the oldest of three sisters and my sisters are amazing, wonderful women of power who respect everyone as well.

I've seen a trend in what I call "Princess Parenting," that in my opinion creates narcissistic girls.

How the hell do we handle mean girls? is asking the question, what do I tell my 13 year old to do when these girls are verbally abusive.

I tell him to stand up for himself, verbally, and make sure he is NEVER alone with any of them. Then I called the school, who will listen to me because they know who I am and what I do and the power of the media is not to be messed with.

Then I write about it. Sell it off. If my son allows me.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:47 PM
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oh, here is the post I started earlier

Thanks guys.

I talked to my MSW friend who says it's the parents and their "Princess Parenting" who are to blame (if you're into blaming) but it also helps me understand this phenomenon. I've seen this too with our former neighbors, it's mind blowing to me.

I know he feels supported, after our discussions last night. He's relieved it's out, and we're problem solving together.
Boys Don't Tell on Sugar-and-Spice-but-not-so-Nice Girl Bullies | CPI

Concernednurse: thank you for your concerns, my main defense against my kids turning to drugs and alcohol is communication and education. This has been a challenge because he was afraid to come to me and talk, whereas he usually tells me EVERYTHING. I mean this guy is an open book, which I love.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:49 PM
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I don't have any experience with this, other than trying to impress on DS (who is so much taller and bigger than all of his classmates) that being a bully is NOT OK. I was terrified of him being too rough or mean (or basically being just like his dad) (so far there doesn't appear to be any reason for that fear, BTW). But bullying at 4-6 yo is a lot different than bullying at Jr. High age.

How does your son handle it when they approach him? Maybe if he doesn't show that he cares about what they say, they'll get bored and stop? My oldest nephew teases the heck out of his little brother on the days that Little Brother reacts. On the days that Little Brother ignores him, the teasing ends immediately. Again, they're not Jr. High age and they're brothers, so not the same situation at all, but maybe it will help? A good eye-roll, feigned boredom, maybe a well timed "Y e e e a a h, what e v e r" from your son and then ignoring their return retorts will eventually get the bullies to shut up.

IDK. Safe travels Transform and hope you guys figure out how to deal with them or better yet, the bullies drop it soon.
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:13 PM
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Trans... I sent you a PM
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:37 PM
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Ugh, sorry to be so bitchy. I have not excuse.
Nurse, thank you!
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:53 PM
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Ahh jeez. Tough age to be these days.

Here's my take on it.
It's 8th grade. All kids get teased somehow. As far as girls picking on boys, what ever happened to the saying that they're only doing it because they think he's cute? Empower that boy so he doesn't feel hurt by their comments. At 6' in middle school, he'll be a star come high school and sports. If he's into that.

Side note: I never got picked on by girls at that age. However, I got picked on miserably by the boys. I was put in school early. Everyone was a year older than me. Wanna know what happened? I hit puberty and grew and beat the **** out of every single kid that looked cross at me. I was not to be messed with and all the girls knew I was the badass and ended up on top.

My point being, he's at a crucial age right now. He needs you to listen and understand him. He's going through puberty. Things are going to be strange no matter where he is. Just give him some confidence and that doesn't mean fighting, since we're dealing with girls.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:28 PM
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Shellcrusher I wish things were like they were back then, but they just ain't.

These girls are mean. I worked with adolescent girls that were wards of the court and my supervising social worker told me something I'll never forget: girls are smarter and meaner than boys.

I know that sounds sexist. Boys might beat the crap out of each other, and they do, but it's straightforward. Girls are vicious, saying things to him in the hall when he passes ( hey fa$%%ot, nice man boobs). He doesn't even know them, but they know his name. it's a gang mentality.

He has just taken if, shrugged it off for the entire school year and it's escalating. He's the new, fat kid (he's six feet tall though and will do exactly what you did by next year, become a beast of a man) My dad is six and half feet tall, we're huge people.

Sammy is outgoing, fun, talkative, heavy-set and has been the focus of this group of girls. They'll walk up to his friends, engage in talking to them, then turn to my son and say, "why dont' you get out of here, you piece of crap? No one likes you"

I mean, how long could you take that, day after day? They're publicly humiliating him, then laughing. I told him to say, "Too bad all that money can't make you a better person."

I'd like to go beat their ghetto asses myself. Actually, most likely, they're the rich kids. The town I live in is the quite wealthy, and like I said, Princess Parenting has created monsters. You wouldn't believe what I've seen. It's hard to comprehend.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:05 PM
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Yeah Id want to beat the crap out of them myself. Bullying is a big thing where I live and kids commit suicide, its that bad.
I dont have any great advise for you and your son but these girls are probably doing this to get a reaction. You are right, boys would just have a fight and get it over with but girls Arghh! Im glad you can talk to your son about it, it would of been probably quite embarrassing for him, especially girls. I dunno, Im from the old school, girls or not Id probably advise my 3 sons to give it back harder. Im not into violence, sometimes bullies just need to know who they cant pick on.
All this, walk away from them and tell someone stuff - to me its just s---t
Ive always told my boys to stand up for themselves and it has worked so far.
Just my thoughts.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:35 PM
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Hey I have three sons too and this is very challenging
Im not into violence, sometimes bullies just need to know who they cant pick on.
All this, walk away from them and tell someone stuff - to me its just s---t
Ive always told my boys to stand up for themselves and it has worked so far.
Just my thoughts.
I agree, I'm the same way with my kids. Be ambassadorial, be considerate and respectful, but if someone messes with you REPEATEDLY and doesn't respect your boundaries, create an even clearer one.

I'm so tempted to go there myself and interact with these girls so they can see what a REAL "Mean Girl" looks like.

For now, he's comfortable. He said there were no incidents today and he's feeling better. I still have to speak with the principal, call him back.

someone told me Obama created a federal No Bullying law. That's' great news, but not for the Aussies!
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Old 03-03-2011, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
This has been a challenge because he was afraid to come to me and talk, whereas he usually tells me EVERYTHING. I mean this guy is an open book, which I love.
I am not a parent, but I thought I would comment that perhaps he was afraid to tell you because he was ashamed it was girls.
I can tell that you are a good person, and a good parent, so please understand I'm not implying that he was afraid or ashamed to tell you the truth... It's just that (as I understand it) young men who are raised to be gentlemen are frequently taught things including to treat ladies with respect, and then to throw something like this into the mix can be confusing for a young man trying to do the right thing.

It sounds like you are starting on the right path to solving the problem.
I just wanted to pop in and point out some of the good that has and can come of this issue.


Your son is learning an important lesson about healthy relationships and respect (these girls are not "ladies!"), and he's already gotten closer to you because now he knows he can talk to you about this sort of thing, too!

That said, nobody should have to go through something like this - so I hope it is resolved quickly now that he's talking about it.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:32 AM
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Yeah. I kinda figured there was more to it, TFM.
Just this morning I saw a story on the news about bullying and it made me think of your son. Ghetto gang stuff is different and I know it ain't the old days. I also agree with you. Girls are smarter and meaner.

The good news is that he's talking with you about it and now you can both work on finding a solution.

Find out if there's a female PE teacher that can make those bitches run some laps around the track for their bad behavior.
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