support as I start talking divorce, please

Old 03-01-2011, 10:45 AM
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support as I start talking divorce, please

So, I am finally starting the conversation of divorce. Finally, courageous enough to say, "This is not working for me"...
and I am observing I am forgetting, misplacing, losing things all the time.

I just got a call from the store this morning saying they had my wallet. The finder took my cash (~$60) and left everything else. I am relieved and pissed at them. Losing my wallet makes me SO FRUSTRATED with myself! (for being so unaware to put my wallet in my pocket - where I know it could fall out - FP, you have known you always have to bring a purse if you take your wallet. That was your own fault...etc.) and more stressed.

I think I don't notice I'm stressed because I disassociate. I feel befuddled and unhappy and really I am super anxious. I am noticing that is HOW I exhibit stress (if the forgetting and losing ramp up, I need to be gentle with myself) and I need to really hone in on self care right now.

I don't feel like I can handle regular life (bills, taxes, work) AND divorce! There is no convenient time to divorce! Oh! The piles of legal documents! The heartache! The loss! UGH!!

So, I need to come to earth. Slow down. Any advice of how to HANDLE this? How to get back in my body? How to survive? I feel so...
I feel like I don't have the...strength? Skills? Ability? to get through right now! I feel like running away from life. I feel like giving up. I feel SO SAD. I feel so adrift. A big part of it is probably the letting go. Letting go of not much relationship anymore, but I think I subconciously feel safe in a relationship. Protected. Now I'm all alone and can't handle the whole world all alone. Certainly now with so much to get through and so much sadness at the same time. How in the world do I DO this? ugh.

thanks.
fp
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Old 03-01-2011, 10:57 AM
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I'm sorry. It is very, very sad. And stressful.
I recommend that you try to get back to basics. To slow down and journal and not make too many commitments right now. Write down everything you do have to do, including deadlines.

I'm feeling anxious, too. And forgetful and overwhelmed. Go to bed extra early if you can. Get yourself one of those plastic/rubbermaid file boxes for everything relating to the legal proceedings.

And above all, feel your feelings. Don't wish them away, don't self-medicate or avoid -- just feel them. And then they stop being so scary. At least that's my experience.

You just do the best you can. I know it's a hard decision to come to. That's why I was never able to make it and had to be basically stomped on to see what was right there in front of me. You are smarter than that. ((fp1))
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Old 03-01-2011, 10:58 AM
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Forgetfullness, losing things, clumsiness-these are all stress related. I swear, before I got up the courage to leave I had lost almost all control over my life, finances and myself in general! I was dropping dishes, losing things, financially destroyed. I am here to tell you, that while the leaving/divorce was stressful too, once I did it everything else started to fall into place again. I am financially stable-ish again, I am not breaking dishes and I can't remember the last time I misplaced my purse. I really think that once you get the ball rolling that the rest will improve quickly. Oh, and here's the other thing. You mention that now you will be alone, I bet that even though he has been there you have been alone for a long time now. You have been going at this alone all along without even realizing it! Once you get rid of all of the stress of it YOU WILL BE BACK, or at least back to a closer version of yourself! My advice is just to stay strong and follow through on this. If you can do that, the rest will fall into place and your life will be so much better. It's never perfect, but we can get closer to it.

I wish you strength, courage and PEACE.
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:42 AM
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I'll walk through the divorce process with ya, just started it myself. I'm not forgetting things...my stress shows itself through insomnia and headaches. Everyone's got their thing, I guess!

First thing I did was get a lawyer. My employer had a group legal plan which made this a LOT easier, for which I thank my HP, but I know that most folks aren't so fortunate. Even so, it's really gotta be step #1.

Step #2: Protect my child. Lined up daycare. Don't know if you have kids or not, or if your A is ever around them alone or not, so use your judgment.

Step #3: Protected my finances. We have joint accounts, and I'm the only source of income. So I changed my direct deposit into my own checking account. AW still has access to whatever is in the joint account so she's not going to starve, I'm not trying to punish her, but I also don't need the stress of worrying about what's happening to my future paychecks.

That's as far as I've made it so far. Took a lot of energy, physical and spiritual. Each one felt like a huge step forward though, so just take them one at a time.
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:54 AM
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Thanks for the emotional and practical advice.

No kids.
Finances are separate.
I already live in a new state and have a home on my own. The little-girl feeling of lonliness is based on the emotional security of being attached, not a physical presence. It's wild how, even though we are separated, I still derive security from having him be technically married to me. That's my own issue to work through.

The crazy thing is when I am like this I am the opposite of self-caring. I can't seem to get to bed at a decent hour (anxiety?), although I feel exhausted. It is more disassociation, I think to ignore my exhaustion and stay up, bleary eyed. I KNOW I need to go to bed, but I addictively surf the internet (or read posts here!).
I know I need to give long walks to my dog, but the walks get shorter.
I know I need to keep plugging away and collecting my tax stuff, but it gets put off.

I have to fight MYSELF to take care of myself! That is so frustrating!
I think it is all related to not being present. Instead, I am avoiding the world and responsibilities and hiding (emotionally) from LIFE.

I think meditation might be good...if I could start doing it again regularly!

fp
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:02 PM
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Oh, I'm familiar with that sleeplessness feeling. You know it's really not healthy to stay up, but you do it anyway and you just keep looking for something to do to avoid going to bed. Internet is dangerously good for that.

For me, what's usually going on subconsciously is not about not wanting to sleep...it's that I don't want to wake up the next day and find that nothing has changed. That went on for quite a while, until one day I was laying in a bathtub and just said to myself "if you don't find a reason to change this, you're going to feel like this forever." And I scared the crap out of myself.

The next day, I stopped spending time at night on the computer. I barely turn on the TV. I can't say what your ah-ha trigger will be, or if that's how it will happen for you, but that's how my perspective changed.
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Old 03-01-2011, 01:34 PM
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Hugs, FindingPeace. Aside from the feelings, one of the hardest things for me was getting out the door on time and with everything I needed. So I started setting out everything I needed the night before. Anything I could do to make it as 'autopilot' as possible helped. I got a little notebook and wrote down lists for everything: dated each page and noted need to do tomorrow, this week, next week; need to bring to school/work; divorce hearing deadlines/court dates; bill due dates and amounts; grocery lists; library books due back on <date>; etc. Then, I looked at only the tasks for <today> throughout the day.
  • I picked out the outfits for the next day for both DS and I and set them in the same place each night.
  • I got my bag and had DS get his backpack ready for the next day and placed them with our outdoor gear.
  • I decided what the packed lunches would be, anything that didn't need to be refrigerated, got put in the lunch bags the night before.
  • I did a calendar review after dinner / dishes - and checked to see what documents/projects were due the next day and I made sure they were put in my bag.
  • My purse and keys got put in the exact same place each night, because otherwise I'd have no clue where they were.
On the emotional front, well, I put myself on autopilot there, too, which wasn’t the best thing to do, because when the emotions got through; they really got through. Take gentle care of yourself. Please remember to take time to relax and do something that helps you feel calm, centered, happy. I know it’s easy to say; much harder to do it; my sister had to force me to do fun stuff or relax.
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:43 PM
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I am also filed for divorce. AW is living separately, moved out 6 weeks ago after 16 years, no kids. I own a business and I am trying not to think how badly I could get taken to the cleaners. AW is out of it on vodka and doesn't have an attorney of her own, so I am going to try to see if we can just work with my lawyer. I call this "threading the needle". Yikes, still a rough road ahead. We have an appt with a judge in June, that's the next step.

Life is lonely and sad, but also devoid of daily drama associated with AW's drinking.

What is weird for me is that: 1) I do hope she quits drinking for her health; 2) I do need to maintain a friendship/working relationship so we can negotiate a settlement without lawyering up; 3) she is crying a river and wants me to invite her back home (quote: "I just want you to beg me to stay right now"); and 4) I really REALLY don't know where all this is going! I guess that's where my HP comes in. One day at a time.

Some good things: 1) writing down my feelings; 2) going to Al-Anon; and 3) exercise.

Something funny: I have watched entire TV series through Netflix and Showtime on Demand, dozens of episodes of enjoyable shows, to help pass the time. Probably a little disfunctional but it helps to pass the time. Parks & Recreation, Season 1 of Lost, US of Tara, Nurse Jackie, Curb Your Enthusiam...etc etc

I have a big dog in bed with me and I'm sleeping just fine, so life isn't so bad I suppose.

Hang in there!
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:05 PM
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theuncertainty has some GREAT ideas. Lists, lists, more lists.

Break things down into manageable pieces. Keep a legal-stuff list, a daily to-do list. Scan it once in awhile, as you take care of things, cross them off. The progress will be encouraging. When things pop into your head, write those down, too. You can figure out where they go later.

It will all get done, it only SEEMS overwhelming when you let your thoughts whirl around in your head. The virtue of the lists is that once something is on there, you can forget about it until you are ready to work on it or review it.
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:14 PM
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I am right there with ya....will post my own thread, just want you to know you're not alone.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:52 PM
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The first post was written when I was just a wreck wreck wreck this morning. Meanwhile, I totally forgot...are you ready for this?
I was supposed to be introducing the PRESIDENT of my company to a luncheon group of 150 people.
I totally missed it.
I was 30 min. late by the time I figured it out and arrived.
I had to face the president and say I had a personal crisis and I couldn't make it.

OHMYGOD. I can't tell you what a wreck I am.
I don't see that getting better any time soon and it is trashing my work life!

ACK!
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:19 PM
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FindingPeace - write it all down. Lists are and were lifesavers for me, especially when I was divorcing. You can do this. You're already separate - the divorce will just make it 'official', reflecting what's already happened. You've done the hard bits of moving out, splitting the finances etc. Look at how far you've come!
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:40 AM
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not meeting the president of your company - bit of a mix-up, but nobody died, a few people may have been a bit embarrassed, nothing more, and will have had the opportunity to demonstrate how adaptable and able to think on their feet they are ((FP)) your career will be fine.

we don't have to be perfect in our work or personal lives, we are human, and we have stuff that happens. You will not feel this disoriented forever, it does settle down. If you need to take some time away from work (and have the opportunity) then think about doing that.

divorce isn't easy, emotionally, or often practically, but it is a process, with lots of little steps, and you can do each one of them (())
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:07 AM
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For some reason, I've been mentally distracted this week and dropped the ball on a couple of things. At that point, I set aside some time to calendar everything, make sure the reminders were in place, and now I feel more relaxed.

Sorry about the luncheon mixup, but Jen is right--it's not the end of the world. This is only temporary. It will get better.

Big hugs,
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:13 AM
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OHMYGOD. I can't tell you what a wreck I am.
I don't see that getting better any time soon and it is trashing my work life!
You said something upthread about taking some time to meditate.
Have you ever tried visualization?
See yourself doing well and organized.
You can do this FindingPeace. You have made so many strides since joining this forum.

Do the meditation, and slow down.
Do the visualization, and do well.

Sending positive vibes your way,
Beth
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:49 AM
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FP, I am saying a little prayer for you - that you find strength and calm today and have a better day.

I carry a little slip of paper in my purse with the serenity prayer on it - not that I can't remember it, but because it reminds me to remember to say it every time I see it tucked in there!

Stress does weird things to our brains. I have had similar situations happen over the last year. A few embarrassing moments, a few missed meetings, deadlines, school vacation days when I woke them both up anyway yelling they were LATE!!

I am learning that its ok to be human and right now, I am struggling. That's ok. This too shall pass.

Take good care!
~T
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:55 AM
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Just wanted to add a post of support - you can do this. I can tell by the spirit in which you post. Believe in you.
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Old 03-02-2011, 08:15 AM
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(((hugs)))
Talk, talk, talk. Just like this. I don't think I would have made it through as OK as I have if I hadn't had friends to talk with. And Al-Anon, when there was stuff that was so awful I didn't even want to bother my friends with it.

I also almost deliberately compartmentalized. I knew what I wanted -- a divorce. That was the primary thing on my mind. I focused entirely on Getting It Done. Whenever feelings stuck their heads up, I showed them the spare room where I told them they could sit and wait until the doctor had time to see them. I refused to handle most of it until after the divorce was finished. Not sure it's the healthiest way, but it worked for me (and as spouses of As, we're usually pretty good at compartmentalizing...)

And then I focused on one day at a time. At times, I was down to "I can survive the next ten minutes." Deep breaths. And then another ten.

The practical stuff? Lists, lists, lists. I've never ever used my dayplanner as much as I did during those six months. I made it a routine to create routines for everything. And if I told you how many times I showed up at work and realized my lunch was sitting on the counter at home, you'd laugh at me.

And give yourself a lot of grace.
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:44 PM
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When I was in a similar spot I did like everyone else suggested. I made lists. One for home duties, one for selling the house, one for divorce, one for kid responsibilities, one for work, one for surviving. I have a day planner (on my computer) that I filled in and I always consulte that for appts. etc. through out the day.

Here is how I did it. At the top of the list I made the Goal.

Sell House - then I started writing things down that I *knew* had to be done. Then prioritize them. Then just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

If i didn't *know* it I did not right it down. My problem was that my lists would become complicated because I tried to predict the future so I'd have to make multiple sections of a list depending on a factor that had yet to be revealed. Or there would be three ways and I'd try to do all three. A plan A, B, and C so to speak and if I could get them running consecutively, all the better. The lists themselves became unmanageable. Well, I had to force myself to stop doing that. It mired me down, confused me, etc. I had to to this very consciously.

Also, the sleep thing is huge. A brain is not physically able to function if you have a chronic lack of sleep. This is a big big problem for me and has been for quite a few years. It is one that I need to watch closely. It is extremely easy/tempting/addicting for me to organize closets, do bookwork, play games, or surf the net all night long. The less sleep I get, the more I am drawn to do that.

I had to *make* myself go to bed. Look at the clock and just go to bed at some pre-determined time. I would lay there for 45 minutes and if I still wasn't asleep I'd get up and do 15 minutes of some kind of activity (not on the computer and not something like bookwork that could take half the night) and go back to bed. It did work and adequate sleep is important for brain functions like focus, attention, etc.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:28 PM
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One breath at a time!
Yes, I write down what I need to achieve and break it down to small pieces.
I applaud your courage and I have not divorced but went through a sad separation, 2 years later life looks really great. There will be many gifts arriving to you, all kinds of gifts, many you don't even imagine now...
((hugs))
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