stilllearning

Oh boy,

I posted last week about some fantastic growth at work (I'm loving my company) and I -almost- wrote that having posted about it, the other shoe was bound to drop.

I'll make this brief but a new contractor started about a week ago. Maybe 20 years older than me, introduced himself at the copy machine, short, pleasant exchange of names and smalltalk and that was that.

About a day later, I was standing at the sing washing my plate when he came to look for windex (??) I told him I had no idea where it was kept. He started opening the cupboards below the sink where I was standing (I had to move back while he did this and kind of reach over him to keep rinsing my dish) and then kind of nestled in at the sink next to me to clean his glasses with dishwashing detergent.

I put my dish down, stood to the side while he worked and then when he left made eye contact with a female coworker who is on his team who was standing at the bench behind the sink, also waiting to wash her dish. I told her I must have my cranky hat on because I'd found being more or less elbowed out of the way kind of rude. She said there had already been an incident since he started and to let her know if there were any more instances of his getting in my "personal space."

I thought no more about it.

Today, I had a headset on, listening to music. We're in an open plan office that can get loud at times and if I'm working on a detailed document I put on music for some white noise.

I was inputing some dates into a planning document, totally absorbed, when a set of hairy knuckles came barelling towards my face from over my left shoulder. I nearly hit the roof I jumped so hard - I was completely startled. He had come up behind me and reached around as though to tweak my nose. You know when you were little and someone would grab your nose between their knuckles and pretend to "steal" it? Exactly like that.

I pulled out my earpieces and said "please don't ever come up behind me, I just got the fright of my life." He said, "oh - are you listening to music? What are you listening to." I told him I had a headset on because I was working on a planning document and asked what he needed me for. He said nothing, he just wanted to say "hi". I reiterated that coming at me from behind wasn't a good way to do that. He said, with a kind of half smile???? "Did I scare you, did I?" and I told him it was more that what he had done was totally inappropriate.

I briefly told my supervisor but also told her that I don't want to be a drama queen about this. She has a duty to report it to HR and I don't want to be "that" woman - who makes a complaint.

But. This person had to know I couldn't hear anything (obvious headphones, hair in a ponytail) and he came up behind me at speed. If I hadn't moved, his hand would have connected with my face and he had to reach around my neck with his arm to make that gesture. Plus, what the hell is the nose tweak about? I'm an adult and it's an office. I've had two brief exchanges with him and touching someone's nose/face seems like such an intimate gesture.

I don't want to not take a meeting with HR and to find out later that he has touched someone else inappropriately because they had no grounds to talk to him about workplace boundaries. But I also really don't want to have this be a huge song and dance. He didn't really apologise after I told him I found it inappropriate - he just said "well all right then" and kind of huffed off in a "you can't take a friendly gesture" kind of way.

But it didn't feel like a friendly gesture. If he's tapped me on the shoulder to say hi I would just have told him I was on a deadline and that would have been that. It felt, aggressive maybe?

Is this my adult child coming out with her hair trigger? Or would any "normal" person be disturbed by someone trying to tweak her nose?

I'm so much better at not second guessing myself these days - but surprise nose tweak from near-stranger is completely out of the box for me and I don't really know how I should be feeling.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

Also: am I a magnet for weirdness? The parade of freaks that is my list of ex boyfriends would suggest yes but I'm not dating and still in an office of more than 80 women, I got the nose tweak.

All feedback appreciated.

SL

LexieCat

They gotta build a record on this guy. It is TOTALLY inappropriate, putting the best "face" on it. It would have been inappropriate for anyone, male or female.

You did the right thing. If he apologizes, accept it, but if he does something again, report it again. If you see him doing something to anyone else, report that, too.

HR needs ammo to do anything about it--if there are no complaints then he can turn around and claim he was fired for no reason.

stilllearning

Thanks Lexie, I really appreciate the input.

You're right, it -felt- inappropriate and while I don't think it was necessarily a sexual gesture (it felt more aggressive than anything, because he had to know he was going to take me by surprise) but damned if I can imagine him trying to "tweak" the face of any of my male coworkers.

The other thing that's really unsettling is something I hadn't thought of until my sister called tonight. She asked what the guy at the next desk had thought - and he wasn't there. That whole team was in a meeting, my boss was out of the office and our team assistant was at the copier. I was pretty much alone at our end of the floor - mid-afternoon and broad daylight, but alone and obviously unable to hear. And maybe he wouldn't have done it if there had been an audience.

Ugh. I really am dreading talking to HR about this - there are never any winners when this kind of thing happens. Hopefully they can be discreet whatever the next step is.

StarCat

Considering how creepy the guy is, I am sure they would understand how you felt about not wanting him to know you reported him, if they talk to him about it.

This is weird behavior.

It reminds me of a guy in my high school. What kind of guy comes up behind a girl doing her homework in the cafeteria (by herself) and announces, "You're kinda cute, wanna go f**k?"

This guy is that kind of creepy.

LexieCat

The "winners" are the people who won't have to put up with this kind of thing because other people were brave enough to report it.

catlovermi

Uh. NO.

This is your emerging healthy boundary self sending up signals.

Notice his immediate tactic of deflection, when you called him on his inappropriate behavior ("Oh, you were listening to music..." - HE KNEW THIS - "...what music?") - pure manipulation to divert you and see if this would soften your boundary.

Your alarm bells are working correctly. This is a person hunting for weak boundaries.

This is the kind of guy, who, next time he "accidentally" disrespects your boundaries, you straighten your spine, rise up to your full height very slowly, standing, look him STRAIGHT into his eyes, unblinkingly with your LASER VISION, and state UNEQUIVOCALLY that you expect appropriate, professional conduct, and NO LESS from him. (Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.) And do. not. engage. further.

Practice. In the mirror. You will be amazed.

CLMI

catlovermi

And when he then goes off and mutters to your co-worker about what a b*tch you are, and they are bobble-heading him, remember, they are thinking, "D*mn, at least SHE doesn't have to worry about this creep bothering her again!!"

And you take a deep breath of fresh air, twitch the corners of your mouth, and ENJOY your PERSONAL SPACE that YOU OWN.

CLMI

transformyself

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Please don't discount your boundary in this way. I would tell her that you want her to take immediate action to protect her employees and will assist her in any way you can, but that you need your privacy protected.

I hate hate HATE patriarchal crap like this. If you stand up for yourself with this uber creep you're afraid of looking like a drama queen, but if you don't create clear boundaries, he'll continue to invade them.

What a creep. He needs a swift kick to his hairy bean bag. See how he likes that drama.

Bolina

Ugh. Sorry to hear you're having to deal with this.

I found this blog post really helpful Another post about rape | Fugitivus It's about rape, so don't read it if it's a trigger in any way, however it is a really plain explanation of how women can be "trained" into not setting boundaries (but it's NOT transferring blame to anyone other than the perpetrator).

Here's an excerpt:


Firm boundaries, listen to your instinct and ignore his quacking, I reckon.

Glad you're enjoying the job otherwise.

Shellcrusher

Hello.
This isn't some deep trauma problem rearing it's ugly head.
This is an HR issue and you simply need to make sure your HR department knows about it.

stilllearning

Thanks folks,

Your advice is great and the humour much appreciated. Maybe I could use my laser vision on his hairy beanbag that way I wouldn't even need to touch him with my foot :-)

I hate that I have second guessed myself - reading your responses well, duh, it was totally out of line. But it's hard to ditch a lifetime of minimising - you know that sick feeling you get when you're totally drowning in adrenaline and you try to tell yourself "it's ok, it's all ok?" Messes with your head. And lets this kind of guy keep on doing what he did.

The winners will be the women he doesn't get to "tweak". Gold.

Ok, off to work - will let you know how it goes.

Thanks again,

SL

Seren

(((SL))) You are absolutely correct in your feelings! Good luck at work today.

I used to work at a financial institution, and a new female manager whom I was meeting for the first time actually pinched my cheek and told me how cute I was!!!! I was 37 years old at the time!!!!

Some folks just don't understand boundaries....

Tuffgirl

OMG! I have to agree - if anyone "tweaked my nose" in the office that would be the LAST TIME - are you friggin' kidding me?! Man, woman, President, doesn't matter. That crosses the line into ludicrousness, never mind inappropriate! Who does that, anyone? A super big creep, that's who!

These kinds of men don't stop until they are stopped by someone else. Be strong!

lillamy

You know, whether he's a creep or a sexual predator or not is beside the point.
He made you uncomfortable in your workplace, and that's unacceptable. It really is that simple. Don't second-guess your own judgments here. It is what it is; you're there to work, and if this dude (or someone else) is messing with your equilibrium, that's not cool.

I had a completely different personal space issue at my office: The admin personnel would, at every holiday, go around and put out candy and chocolate in everyone's office. We're all in locked offices (deal with a lot of confidential information) and they would unlock the offices and go put candy on our desks and bookshelves. Now, I'm a neatnick bordering on obsessive compulsive. I also don't really eat candy. So it pissed me off at no end to find little pieces of chocolate (wrapped) stuck between my law books in my bookshelf. But I accepted it -- until the time when I found candy in my desk drawers. That was going too far, invading my space too much. I went to the HR rep and said, "Listen -- I don't care if everyone else likes the candy; I want my office to be left out of it. It feels like an invasion of my personal space and it interferes with my ability to focus on my work when I feel like I don't know who's been in my desk drawers and maybe I'll find my Statutes stuck together with a piece of caramel that was left there three months ago."

They've left me out of it since. More candy for everyone else. The reason I tell the story? You don't have to accuse anyone of any borderline criminal wrongdoing. All you have to do is say "this makes me uncomfortable and I will not accept it." And since it's in your employer's interest that you can work comfortably, they should oblige.

Verbena

When you feel uncomfortable, or frightened, or angry because someone invades your personal space or touches you, don't even try to explain it away. You did the right thing.

barb dwyer

Just LOOK at how far you've come!

Something didn't feel right -
and you also protected your space.

wooHOO for that.

Turn him in.

Catlovermi was right!
Just LOOK at the new you emerging!

And Lexicat is right as well =-
They have to build their case and they can't do that
if you don't tell them about it.
The world doesn't need another lounge lizard in the workplace.

You even had another co worker tell you
this is not a new problem.

Even top it off with a request not to be left alone with him like that again.

I love it.
You knew something wasn't right
even came here to 'reality check'.

omg. Look. how. far. you've. come!

tallulah

Icky.

Anyone who has ever been on the tube in London during rush hour knows that personal space is out of the window when you're nose to nose squished in a carriage.. but a little while ago some guys hand strayed to my bottom a little too often for my liking. With an incredulous look on my face, I grabbed said hand as it it did another fly past of my derriere, pulled it up and said (so the immediate passengers could clearly hear) 'whose hand is this keeps grabbing my arse'. Needless to say, it didn't waft my way again.

Maybe a little of the same is in order for your boundary stomping co-worker? Just a suggestion *whistles*

Tx

stilllearning

Thank you for all the support, folks. Barb, I think I have come a ways in the last year and your post really touched me.

The morning after I last posted (morning after "the incident") I felt a little anxious at my desk. Kept looking over my shoulder and I just felt jumpy. And the nose grabber appeared mid-morning and do two, slow walk-bys of my workspace. I held my breath both times. He had no reason to be in our section and I wondered the first time if he was going to apologise. Nope. Second time I waited until he had gone and went to find my supervisor to tell her I wanted to meet with HR.

Within five minutes we were sitting with my big-big boss and the HR manager who had been notified already and had been waiting for me to ask for a meeting. They were magnificent. And they asked what I wanted to do. I said that all I wanted was for someone from the company to tell him that it hadn't been appropriate. That he had been dismissive after it happened and that I felt he should be told by someone in a managerial position that it wasn't ok to grab at someones face.

I wasn't told the details but the HR guy said that since my boss had called him, he had made some preliminary enquiries and that this was the only incident involving this guy. They made a meeting with his supervisor, who arranged to talk to him that afternoon and said that he would be asked to apologise in writing.

I got an email with "sorry" in the subject line but the first two sentences made it clear that he still, even after being called into a meeting by his supervisor, thought it was a misunderstanding on my part. He wrote that he understood I had chosen to report something that I perceived as being "inappropriate" (he used quotation marks).

And I had a huge a-ha moment. This man wasn't sorry. No reflection. Still angry at me for -my- reaction to his inappropriate behavior (no quotation marks necessary). And he is not ever going to change. Not if HR talks to him, not if his supervisor talks to him. Total sense of entitlement.

I know this game! I'm in a 12-step program to deal with other people not being able to change on command. And I let go. I forwarded the email to my big boss and HR, thanked them for their impeccable response and said that I needed some time to process the content of the message but it seemed on first reading like he was still maintaining it was a case of misperception and that the misperception was mine.

I got back to work and left a little early. Used every trick in the book to detach last night and today my big boss called me into her office. His contract (it was short term only) had been terminated at close of business the day before. My heart sank and I told her immediately that wasn't my intention. She said they had no choce but to summarily dismiss him and that (wait for it) he wasn't fired over the incident with me.

Turns out that he made a serious breach of the diversity policy and had been openly and publicly racist towards another employee. (What a Prince, right?) There were witnesses to that incident and they all wanted to make statements. I also wasn't the only employee whose space had been invaded. He wasn't happy at being let go and apparently he didn't go quietly.

In closing, my big boss thanked me for being brave enough to come forward and said that if I hadn't, HR wouldn't have had a heads up, other people might not have been willing to report him and that he could have done even more damage before something finally gave. She said also that his behaviour posed a legal risk to the company and I was to be commended for calling it. I told her that I hadn't wanted him to lose his job (true) but given that it wasn't an isolated incident I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved that he was gone from my work environment. She said that a number of people would be feeling the same way.

And that was that. End of a very, very long week and I feel like a balloon that has all the air let out of it - but I am so impressed with how my company handled the whole thing.

I don't know whether I would have taken it further without the feedback I got on the boards so thank you, truly, to everyone who gave me feedback. What he did was wrong, and reporting it was the right thing to do. Easy to say in hindsight but the night it happened I wasn't sure whether I was making too much of it.

I'm the Queen of the long posts lately but I wanted to write all of that out for myself as much as anything. I think I grew a little this week but boy it was exhausting.

With love and gratitude,

SL.

wicked

I love reading your long posts, stilllearning.

So glad you took care of yourself.

Beth

RollTide

stilllearning, Thank you for that post. I commend you for what you did. And unknowingly, you most likely were a role model for the other women.