just got a call from AH... he said he's saying his last goodbye. :(
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just got a call from AH... he said he's saying his last goodbye. :(
My AH just called me (it's midnight) and he's totally high and totally paranoid. He said all the $ is gone (he had almost $4000) just today and that he has to trade his life for someone else's, but it'll only be $700... then he started rambling and muttering...he said he can't remember where he is and that he wanted me there right now.
I said no... -- and then he hung up on me. I called the number and it's a different motel from the last one he was at a few days ago. He's out of his mind right now ... just saying that he was just calling to say one last goodbye to me...
I then asked him if he was going to harm himself and he said 'no'... that he'd talk to me tomorrow... and then just wanted to hang up. I asked him if he needed the police and he said no, he just wanted me... to which I said again that I wasn't going there. That I want him to go get help to which he said he would... then he said... "Well, since there's nothing you can do, I gotta go. I love you." and then he just hung up.
I'm numb... not mad, not worried, not sad... not anything. I'm just perplexed and freaking tired. I can't believe he's out of $... he said he just gave it away to someone who needed a home. I don't believe him for a second...
Now my mind is racing... this has happened every time he's used. Once or twice he'll call when he's used too much and will get really upset thinking people are out to kill him...then he says he needs help and that he needs me to help him... but then the next day he's coming down and when I speak to him again he acts like nothing really happened or just plays it down...
I know where he's at...should I call the police, or should I just leave it... and leave him to his consequences? --- Part of me is afraid if I do call the cops, they'll come and he'll be so paranoid they might hurt him... it's happened here before where some guy who was totally high (and had a mental disorder) held a knife to 'protect' themselves and wouldn't put it down... so the police shot and killed him.
I think I already gave me my own answer...
Man, I'm starting to get pissed now... this stupid f*king disease....destroys the soul and sucks the life out of everyone else around it!
I said no... -- and then he hung up on me. I called the number and it's a different motel from the last one he was at a few days ago. He's out of his mind right now ... just saying that he was just calling to say one last goodbye to me...
I then asked him if he was going to harm himself and he said 'no'... that he'd talk to me tomorrow... and then just wanted to hang up. I asked him if he needed the police and he said no, he just wanted me... to which I said again that I wasn't going there. That I want him to go get help to which he said he would... then he said... "Well, since there's nothing you can do, I gotta go. I love you." and then he just hung up.
I'm numb... not mad, not worried, not sad... not anything. I'm just perplexed and freaking tired. I can't believe he's out of $... he said he just gave it away to someone who needed a home. I don't believe him for a second...
Now my mind is racing... this has happened every time he's used. Once or twice he'll call when he's used too much and will get really upset thinking people are out to kill him...then he says he needs help and that he needs me to help him... but then the next day he's coming down and when I speak to him again he acts like nothing really happened or just plays it down...
I know where he's at...should I call the police, or should I just leave it... and leave him to his consequences? --- Part of me is afraid if I do call the cops, they'll come and he'll be so paranoid they might hurt him... it's happened here before where some guy who was totally high (and had a mental disorder) held a knife to 'protect' themselves and wouldn't put it down... so the police shot and killed him.
I think I already gave me my own answer...
Man, I'm starting to get pissed now... this stupid f*king disease....destroys the soul and sucks the life out of everyone else around it!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
I feel so sorry for your situation. I do agree with Cynical One very much.
It is very sad that this happens to those who have this disease but it is even sadder that family and loved ones have to suffer from the disease too.
This is a repeat but is it the last repeat for you?
It is very sad that this happens to those who have this disease but it is even sadder that family and loved ones have to suffer from the disease too.
This is a repeat but is it the last repeat for you?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I wish I knew the magic formula to CHOOSE not to suffer...seriously has not been easy for me.
In some situations it seems inevitable, especially some of those early experiences. I get what you are saying CO but it is a heck of a lot easier said than done.
The other side of it is there are days when I choose not to suffer, but the hardships I have to endure because of my AH's choices make it hard, very, very hard...i.e. holding down my full time job and raising my two young children on my own. I do great a lot of the time, but there are definitely days where I feel the pain of this lifestyle that I did not CHOOSE and I am suffering. Trying to make the best of it, but still...
In some situations it seems inevitable, especially some of those early experiences. I get what you are saying CO but it is a heck of a lot easier said than done.
The other side of it is there are days when I choose not to suffer, but the hardships I have to endure because of my AH's choices make it hard, very, very hard...i.e. holding down my full time job and raising my two young children on my own. I do great a lot of the time, but there are definitely days where I feel the pain of this lifestyle that I did not CHOOSE and I am suffering. Trying to make the best of it, but still...
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Thanks everyone for your concerns - CO you seem like a seasoned veteran in these parts and have probably have seen the same story attached to a different name all the time. All I know it's one day at a time for me and sometimes just one moment - feelings are hard to switch off (or become detached) and it takes A LOT of practice - just have grace for those of us who are scared spitless of elevators in the first place and that any floor we do get off on isn't full of peace and serenity - ESP. When the addicted loved one (my ah in this case) is crying like a scared baby on the phone telling me he just doesn't know what to do... That he doesnt want to die... And then I say " get help - you know what to do - I love you" and that's all I do I've been replaying that in my head since his call at 2 this afternoon. He tried going into this Christian rehab but they turned him away saying he's had too many chances (hes been there 3x over the past 5 months and then just leaves after he feels "better"'which is about a week or two. This place actually takes in hardened criminals --'people who have done time in jail and even killed
People and they are saying no to my ah because of his running away?! Maybe that's something that needs to be worked on not punished for ... (sigh). He just seemed utterly dejected and kept asking me what he should do. I suggested a few other places and then he said thanks and hung up the phone - I haven't heard from him since. His mum thinks I'm going to get a call from a hospital tonight telling me that he's tried to kill himself
--- and I'm on edge about that and worried he's going to come home and beg to stay for the night - I AM really trying not to be emotional about it but I still love him...
I've been replaying that in my head since his call at 2 this afternoon. He tried going into this Christian rehab but they turned him away saying he's had too many chances (hes been there 3x over the past 5 months and then just leaves after he feels "better"'which is about a week or two. This place actually takes in hardened criminals --'people who have done time in jail and even killedPeople and they are saying no to my ah because of his running away?! Maybe that's something that needs to be worked on not punished for ... (sigh). He just seemed utterly dejected and kept asking me what he should do. I suggested a few other places and then he said thanks and hung up the phone - I haven't heard from him since. His mum thinks I'm going to get a call from a hospital tonight telling me that he's tried to kill himself
--- and I'm on edge about that and worried he's going to come home and beg to stay for the night -
I AM really trying not to be emotional about it but I still love him...
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Wow Ladies, right off the topic! Our friend is upset, needing our support not this jibber jabber!
Sorry CFOM, sometimes this happens, please don't take it personal.
CFOM I think he is playing the manipulation game with you, he wants you to come but doesn't know where he is, saying bye then talk to you tomorrow. Do you really think he tried getting into rehab today? They have a great way of telling you want they know you want to here as well as playing on our emotions. Hope who ever he gave the money to for a place to live has an extra room for him. Not really thinking he is going to harm himself, just the dope making him paranoid someone is after him to harm him. My husband called me when he was in one of those states, he was on our boat and I did go, he was sitting at the table peaking out of the curtains, certain that someone was out there coming for him, he even had me starting to beleive someone was coming!
He is probably going to crash out, how many days has he been going for, more than likely with no sleep if anything a cat nap here and there.
It really worries me that he is going to be coming and begging you for money in a very aggitated state, they can flip so quickly. Is there someone you can go and stay with for your own safety, plus give you sometime to let your guard down and have a bit of a desent sleep, you must be so drained and your body can only take so much of it before you start to get sick.
Hope all goes well,
Rose
Sorry CFOM, sometimes this happens, please don't take it personal.
CFOM I think he is playing the manipulation game with you, he wants you to come but doesn't know where he is, saying bye then talk to you tomorrow. Do you really think he tried getting into rehab today? They have a great way of telling you want they know you want to here as well as playing on our emotions. Hope who ever he gave the money to for a place to live has an extra room for him. Not really thinking he is going to harm himself, just the dope making him paranoid someone is after him to harm him. My husband called me when he was in one of those states, he was on our boat and I did go, he was sitting at the table peaking out of the curtains, certain that someone was out there coming for him, he even had me starting to beleive someone was coming!
He is probably going to crash out, how many days has he been going for, more than likely with no sleep if anything a cat nap here and there.
It really worries me that he is going to be coming and begging you for money in a very aggitated state, they can flip so quickly. Is there someone you can go and stay with for your own safety, plus give you sometime to let your guard down and have a bit of a desent sleep, you must be so drained and your body can only take so much of it before you start to get sick.
Hope all goes well,
Rose
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Can,
I really feel for you. matters of the heart are not so easily dealt with, unless you are a robot, it will take more effort than most of us are made to handle. I think that we are just not made to handle some things, not without great effort and help.
Are there other rehabs available to him?
I am sorry that this is so tough, for both of you. They often get so remorseful and say those things to soften our hearts to them. To get us to sympathize and then when sober, have no idea what they did to our minds!
We don't want to be victims, I dont think so at all. sometimes we willingly stay part of this sick persons life, cause we love them. i guess that is the part that may look like we choose victimization. but it is not really like that at all. loving someone makes it very hard to take care of ourselves, when the loved one is sick, and not doing what they need to do. But, you can only do so much. He has to want to get better, and all the reassurance and reason that you give him wont make that happen. He has to feel the pain, of his addiction. Part of that is to see that no one will be there for his drama, or to listen to his addicted ramblings. That is unfair to you, but he is sick, and you can only expect more of the same,until something happens to make him want to change.
big hugs to you, and hope that you can focus on yourself, and try not to worry too much about how to fix him, for you cannot. let go and let God, and rest assured that this is not your job. it is so hard.
big hugs
chicory
I really feel for you. matters of the heart are not so easily dealt with, unless you are a robot, it will take more effort than most of us are made to handle. I think that we are just not made to handle some things, not without great effort and help.
Are there other rehabs available to him?
I am sorry that this is so tough, for both of you. They often get so remorseful and say those things to soften our hearts to them. To get us to sympathize and then when sober, have no idea what they did to our minds!
We don't want to be victims, I dont think so at all. sometimes we willingly stay part of this sick persons life, cause we love them. i guess that is the part that may look like we choose victimization. but it is not really like that at all. loving someone makes it very hard to take care of ourselves, when the loved one is sick, and not doing what they need to do. But, you can only do so much. He has to want to get better, and all the reassurance and reason that you give him wont make that happen. He has to feel the pain, of his addiction. Part of that is to see that no one will be there for his drama, or to listen to his addicted ramblings. That is unfair to you, but he is sick, and you can only expect more of the same,until something happens to make him want to change.
big hugs to you, and hope that you can focus on yourself, and try not to worry too much about how to fix him, for you cannot. let go and let God, and rest assured that this is not your job. it is so hard.
big hugs
chicory
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
He said all the $ is gone (he had almost $4000) just today and that he has to trade his life for someone else's, but it'll only be $700...
lmaoIf he had posted this on the internet he may EVEN get a sucker to believe it.
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Thank you rose and chicory - your posts were really what I needed for support at this time - There is a TIME when the loved one of an addict can apply all of the text book / naranon principles and be strong and confident about it but there is also a time of processing, grieving and accepting the terrible reality of the situation. You and others have shown that compassion and that makes me come back here - thank you.
I still haven't heard anything - and I really thought he was going to show up last night (he didn't) - rose - I know he tried to go to that rehab because I called them - it's a non for profit recovery called Resurrection House and I asked to speak to the guy who said no
to my ah - he's apparently a director there. I get put on hold and then am told that " no he doesn't have time to talk to you and no he won't make time." I was flabbergasted - I told them that my ah was in a bad way mentally and they said for me to tell him to go to a hospital - the f*king lack of compassion and concern from this place makes me sick - the relapse rate from guys going here is very high and the people "in charge"'give off this air of superiority ... When they are mostly recovering addicts themselves !
I've been beating myself up knowing my ah needs mental help too but I thought this place would help - but because my ah can't grasp the tools to stay and fight his demons - they take it personally and kick him to the curb -
aren't they there specifically to help?!?
Anyway also ...my ah said yesterday that on Sun evening he burned the rest of the $ he had 'because he couldn't trust himself with it - im shaking my head in disbelief but then right now he could be capable of anything -- ;(
Im also so angry at him for calling me asking me what he should do and then drop
off the radar .... he prob hasnt slept in days but he sounded "normal" yesterday - just defeated -
I need a few months of good sleep myself and then I'll be good to go
thanks so much again.
There is a TIME when the loved one of an addict can apply all of the text book / naranon principles and be strong and confident about it but there is also a time of processing, grieving and accepting the terrible reality of the situation. You and others have shown that compassion and that makes me come back here - thank you.I still haven't heard anything - and I really thought he was going to show up last night (he didn't) - rose - I know he tried to go to that rehab because I called them - it's a non for profit recovery called Resurrection House and I asked to speak to the guy who said no
to my ah - he's apparently a director there. I get put on hold and then am told that " no he doesn't have time to talk to you and no he won't make time." I was flabbergasted - I told them that my ah was in a bad way mentally and they said for me to tell him to go to a hospital - the f*king lack of compassion and concern from this place makes me sick - the relapse rate from guys going here is very high and the people "in charge"'give off this air of superiority ... When they are mostly recovering addicts themselves !
I've been beating myself up knowing my ah needs mental help too but I thought this place would help - but because my ah can't grasp the tools to stay and fight his demons - they take it personally and kick him to the curb
-aren't they there specifically to help?!?
Anyway also ...my ah said yesterday that on Sun evening he burned the rest of the $ he had 'because he couldn't trust himself with it - im shaking my head in disbelief but then right now he could be capable of anything -- ;(
Im also so angry at him for calling me asking me what he should do and then drop
off the radar .... he prob hasnt slept in days but he sounded "normal" yesterday - just defeated -
I need a few months of good sleep myself and then I'll be good to go
thanks so much again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
CFOM, Many of the people who are staffed at the rehab centers are recovering addicts and sometimes they do forget where they came from and/or become insensitive from seeing the similar situations over and over.
I am sure you are feeling what seems like an insurmountable amount of pain and high level of stress from the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty.
You can't do anything about what is happening to him though.
You can only do for you. I am not sure what ability you have to come and go as you please but get in contact with friends and family. Go shopping, to the beach and walk, walk the mall, go to Walmart, Target, or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Maybe these places are'nt for you but go anyplace that will allow you to occupy your mind with different things besides where your ah is and what he is doing.
You really have to do this for your health and your sanity.
I am sure you are feeling what seems like an insurmountable amount of pain and high level of stress from the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty.
You can't do anything about what is happening to him though.
You can only do for you. I am not sure what ability you have to come and go as you please but get in contact with friends and family. Go shopping, to the beach and walk, walk the mall, go to Walmart, Target, or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Maybe these places are'nt for you but go anyplace that will allow you to occupy your mind with different things besides where your ah is and what he is doing.
You really have to do this for your health and your sanity.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme 
Thanks everyone for your concerns - CO you seem like a seasoned veteran in these parts and have probably have seen the same story attached to a different name all the time. All I know it's one day at a time for me and sometimes just one moment - feelings are hard to switch off (or become detached) and it takes A LOT of practice - just have grace for those of us who are scared spitless of elevators in the first place and that any floor we do get off on isn't full of peace and serenity - ESP. When the addicted loved one (my ah in this case) is crying like a scared baby on the phone telling me he just doesn't know what to do... That he doesnt want to die... And then I say " get help - you know what to do - I love you" and that's all I do I've been replaying that in my head since his call at 2 this afternoon. He tried going into this Christian rehab but they turned him away saying he's had too many chances (hes been there 3x over the past 5 months and then just leaves after he feels "better"'which is about a week or two. This place actually takes in hardened criminals --'people who have done time in jail and even killed
People and they are saying no to my ah because of his running away?! Maybe that's something that needs to be worked on not punished for ... (sigh). He just seemed utterly dejected and kept asking me what he should do. I suggested a few other places and then he said thanks and hung up the phone - I haven't heard from him since. His mum thinks I'm going to get a call from a hospital tonight telling me that he's tried to kill himself
--- and I'm on edge about that and worried he's going to come home and beg to stay for the night - I AM really trying not to be emotional about it but I still love him...
I've been replaying that in my head since his call at 2 this afternoon. He tried going into this Christian rehab but they turned him away saying he's had too many chances (hes been there 3x over the past 5 months and then just leaves after he feels "better"'which is about a week or two. This place actually takes in hardened criminals --'people who have done time in jail and even killedPeople and they are saying no to my ah because of his running away?! Maybe that's something that needs to be worked on not punished for ... (sigh). He just seemed utterly dejected and kept asking me what he should do. I suggested a few other places and then he said thanks and hung up the phone - I haven't heard from him since. His mum thinks I'm going to get a call from a hospital tonight telling me that he's tried to kill himself
--- and I'm on edge about that and worried he's going to come home and beg to stay for the night -
I AM really trying not to be emotional about it but I still love him...Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
COFM, The rehab center could have turned him away for a variety of reasons which are unknown. He could have previously broken the rules or they may have felt that he did not really want to recover. It could have been something else. We do not know why they turned him away. I do think it would have been kind for the counselor to take a moment to speak with you however they are really not suppose to be speaking to you about anyone else even if he is your husband unless he is in active treatment and it is part of the treatment plan.
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Thanks beautiful -'these are things I need to keep reminding myself. One thing I would appreciate tho - I don't have to say your names because your posts tell your feelings: i appreciate people reading my posts and giving me words of encouragement thru their experiences - but please refrain from commenting bitter remarks or things which project that you have it all together and why doesn't anyone else get it. You are on here seeking solace and strength like the rest of us - so keep that in mind while passing judgement or borrowed words of advice from the Internet.
I'm angry at my ah - I worry and I am sad - give me that grace to feel these emotions - you were there once too . My concern is for those who have been on here a long time and seem to have an air of bitter resentment - that too is an emotion which is necessary to go thru BUT like all other feelings, THAT has to be released in order to move on .... I just hope and pray that emotion if it does come up passes quickly - otherwise I too will be in jeapordy of condemning others for still caring and feeling love towards someone who chooses their addiction over everything else.
In peace,
I'm angry at my ah - I worry and I am sad - give me that grace to feel these emotions - you were there once too . My concern is for those who have been on here a long time and seem to have an air of bitter resentment - that too is an emotion which is necessary to go thru BUT like all other feelings, THAT has to be released in order to move on .... I just hope and pray that emotion if it does come up passes quickly - otherwise I too will be in jeapordy of condemning others for still caring and feeling love towards someone who chooses their addiction over everything else.
In peace,
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
COFM, I agree with you 150,000%. I do my best to respond appropriately with compassion which I really feel and my wording is not always right. Others often correct my posts but my feeling is in what I write and I hope that my messages come through in a sincere caring way.
With that said, and I think I am repeating myself in a way; Get yourself through today. I KNOW what is going on will be in your mind but you can make the day better than just plain horrible by keeping yourself busy doing unrelated good things.
With that said, and I think I am repeating myself in a way; Get yourself through today. I KNOW what is going on will be in your mind but you can make the day better than just plain horrible by keeping yourself busy doing unrelated good things.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I appologize if my words hurt your feelings. I'm not bitter but I AM grateful that I am out of the grip of those that kept trying to take me to hell along with them.
As per your description of your husband's behavior, I get an image of what he must be like, hence the reply.
I wish you all the best and courage in your journey.
As per your description of your husband's behavior, I get an image of what he must be like, hence the reply.
I wish you all the best and courage in your journey.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
My nephew was famous for going on binges then running to a treatment center. His stagistry worked a few times. It was a manipulation game he was playing, he was coming down, out of dope and money and no where to go but home, he knew there was going to be grief when he got home so running to treatment broke the ice, we would be so happy and tell him how proud we were of him. Then days later out he would come for some reason, usually telling us some terrible thing the place was doing, again he was bluffing and manipulating. My poor mom his grandma, he sucked in so manytimes for money to go. These rehabs and treatment centers can read addicts to a T, they know when someone is there for the right reasons or just a stop by. Yes I know they sound harsh but they are there for people who are seriously wanting the help.
Rose
Rose
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