Finding new sober friends...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Evergreen, CO
Posts: 68
Finding new sober friends...
It is so hard!!! Here is my issue (one of many)...
Obviously, I cannot hang out with my old "friends" because they all drink socially...some may even need to address their alcohol issues. Well, a lot of these girls are wives or girlfriends of my husbands buddies. We all hung out all of the time as couples. So, my problem is that every weekend my husbands buddies call us to hang out with them. The problem is that I've tried to hang out with them on certain occasions i.e lunch or dinner. BUT, they always (not my hubby) have a drink or two or three with lunch or dinner...right in front of me!!!
They know that I have only been sober for 35 days, yet they still drink around me. Is it wrong of me to expect that they don't?
I feel bad for my husband because he really wants to see his friends and I cannot go along to many functions with him because of the alcohol. Like right now...he left to go to a friends to play cards with a group of people. I wanted to go so bad, but I knew it wasn't a good idea for me to go (too much temptation). I ended up getting mad at him for leaving me home on a Saturday night when he knew I wasn't having a good day. I feel bad for getting upset with him. One side of me wants him to go have fun with his friends for the evening but the selfish side of me gets angry and fights with him about leaving me. Its a no win situation. Do I sound crazy SR friends? I am just trying to adjust to this new lifestyle and it has not been easy. I don't want to depend on my hubby to entertain me, but sometimes I feel like I am.
Just feel so crazy emotional right now!!!
Obviously, I cannot hang out with my old "friends" because they all drink socially...some may even need to address their alcohol issues. Well, a lot of these girls are wives or girlfriends of my husbands buddies. We all hung out all of the time as couples. So, my problem is that every weekend my husbands buddies call us to hang out with them. The problem is that I've tried to hang out with them on certain occasions i.e lunch or dinner. BUT, they always (not my hubby) have a drink or two or three with lunch or dinner...right in front of me!!!
They know that I have only been sober for 35 days, yet they still drink around me. Is it wrong of me to expect that they don't?
I feel bad for my husband because he really wants to see his friends and I cannot go along to many functions with him because of the alcohol. Like right now...he left to go to a friends to play cards with a group of people. I wanted to go so bad, but I knew it wasn't a good idea for me to go (too much temptation). I ended up getting mad at him for leaving me home on a Saturday night when he knew I wasn't having a good day. I feel bad for getting upset with him. One side of me wants him to go have fun with his friends for the evening but the selfish side of me gets angry and fights with him about leaving me. Its a no win situation. Do I sound crazy SR friends? I am just trying to adjust to this new lifestyle and it has not been easy. I don't want to depend on my hubby to entertain me, but sometimes I feel like I am.
Just feel so crazy emotional right now!!!
Riding Barefoot
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 452
This is a tough situation, but I don't think you should expect them to change their behavior. You may need more time before you can comfortably hang out with them again. Do you have a recovery program...AA or something that will allow you to meet sober people and get a grip on sober life before hanging around your friends who drink?
I am also struggling with wanting to have a social life but not being ready to hang out with drinkers. I have been going to meetings this weekend instead of staying at home, and it has helped tremendously.
I am also struggling with wanting to have a social life but not being ready to hang out with drinkers. I have been going to meetings this weekend instead of staying at home, and it has helped tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 39
I think you have a right to feel both ways. You want to be supportive of his needs, and at times you crave more support than usual. It's part of adjusting. Make sure you communicate that with him, so he knows where your coming from. Make dates for him to have his nights, so you can prepare yourself for that night or two alone to maybe go to a meeting. Also, if he is aware of your emotions, it will be easier for you to express that your having a really sensitive day and you really need him. As long as your "bad days" are not an elaboration for attention to distract you from gaining independence, he should be understanding.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Rangely Colorado
Posts: 80
You do not sound crazy. You sound HUMAN. (well, maybe being human IS being crazy, but that's another post ... LOL)
Being alcoholic means We Want What We Want When We Want It. So, of course, you want to do things with your friends, you want them to respect your sobriety by not drinking (which is really not disrespect of you, by the way), you want your husband to have fun but you want him to have it with you - well. It's a pickle, alright. You're doing the right thing by coming here and talking about it, that's a very good thing!
So- what can you do while he's gone? watch a chick flick? take a hot bath? call your mother or cousin or whoever you haven't talked to in a hundred years?
And feeling crazy emotional is also normal for 35 days - hell, it's fairly normal for us women at least 7 days a month (just kidding ladies?) anyway, and with getting sober, you can expect some emotional reactions to things you might have previously subdued by drinking. Perfectly okay.
And I love your slogan, by the way, and completely agree: "Courage is doing what you are afraid to do...there can be no courage without fear." Keep being courageous. You can do it!
Being alcoholic means We Want What We Want When We Want It. So, of course, you want to do things with your friends, you want them to respect your sobriety by not drinking (which is really not disrespect of you, by the way), you want your husband to have fun but you want him to have it with you - well. It's a pickle, alright. You're doing the right thing by coming here and talking about it, that's a very good thing!
So- what can you do while he's gone? watch a chick flick? take a hot bath? call your mother or cousin or whoever you haven't talked to in a hundred years?
And feeling crazy emotional is also normal for 35 days - hell, it's fairly normal for us women at least 7 days a month (just kidding ladies?) anyway, and with getting sober, you can expect some emotional reactions to things you might have previously subdued by drinking. Perfectly okay.
And I love your slogan, by the way, and completely agree: "Courage is doing what you are afraid to do...there can be no courage without fear." Keep being courageous. You can do it!
I used to go over my dad & stepmom's house on Friday nights but had to stop at least for a while because the temptation is too strong since they drink cocktails!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Central New Jersey
Posts: 12
Happy Camper:
Here is my suggestion, (a), you are not going crazy, (b), I remember an awsome quote that one of my very good friends that has been sober for 25 years told me: **"You don't hang around a barber shop unless you plan on getting a haircut". I'm approaching a week without any alcohol and I feel great, despite some minor anxiety. I was invited to my buddies house tonight to watch the Duke game, but I had to refuse because I now that there will be plenty of alcohol. I am not ready to start socializing around individuals who are drinking. Talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel and work out a plan where both of you are winners. Good luck.
Here is my suggestion, (a), you are not going crazy, (b), I remember an awsome quote that one of my very good friends that has been sober for 25 years told me: **"You don't hang around a barber shop unless you plan on getting a haircut". I'm approaching a week without any alcohol and I feel great, despite some minor anxiety. I was invited to my buddies house tonight to watch the Duke game, but I had to refuse because I now that there will be plenty of alcohol. I am not ready to start socializing around individuals who are drinking. Talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel and work out a plan where both of you are winners. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
It is so much more than just not drinking... All this other sh1t to go along with it. Things will work out, the dust will settle... Be patient with yourself and your husband. Maybe for awhile you'll need to have separate plans... That's OK, ya know.... He wants to drink some beer, play some cards... let him, you take care if yourself.
There are a whole lot of people, just like you, who meet on most nights of the week, especially Saturday... They are a lot of fun... You'll find them at AA... Follow the smell of coffee and the sound of laughter down the stairs to the church basement... Or wherever... Seriously. Better than home alone feeling sorry for yourself!!
Glad you are here.
There are a whole lot of people, just like you, who meet on most nights of the week, especially Saturday... They are a lot of fun... You'll find them at AA... Follow the smell of coffee and the sound of laughter down the stairs to the church basement... Or wherever... Seriously. Better than home alone feeling sorry for yourself!!
Glad you are here.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Why don't you go out to an AA meeting when he spends time with his friends?
You will meet new sober women and gain support for your new way of life.
I went to a women's AA meeting this morning, and there were at least 50 women there.
At one point, I looked around the room, and counted all of us, and thought...what a joy. All of us in pursuit of sobriety, health, and happiness.
I thought, wow, not one of us will be going to the store today, to buy that poison. How those stores won't see our money today!
Self pity can crop up when we stay to ourselves, or resent that other's are drinking...be careful.
Venture out...create the life you desire, filled with new sober women friends.
I don't think we can expect that other's change and not drink for us or around us.
When we wanted to drink, and do what we wanted to do, did we care?
Live and let live.
You are changing, not them.
Yes, I would stay away from those social gatherings that include drinking alcohol. I know it would be too much of a temptation for me.
You must replace it with something else.
AA is working for me.
Best wishes to you.
PS...About being upset that you got mad. We are going to get mad. Our disease wants us mad, sorry for ourselves, self pity, poor me...it wants us to drink.
In my experience that is a very dangerous frame of mind.
When those thoughts come, as they will, call another sober woman or go to a meeting.
It reminds me of something my sponsor told me.
"You want sobriety? Come get it. It's right here at AA."
You will meet new sober women and gain support for your new way of life.
I went to a women's AA meeting this morning, and there were at least 50 women there.
At one point, I looked around the room, and counted all of us, and thought...what a joy. All of us in pursuit of sobriety, health, and happiness.
I thought, wow, not one of us will be going to the store today, to buy that poison. How those stores won't see our money today!
Self pity can crop up when we stay to ourselves, or resent that other's are drinking...be careful.
Venture out...create the life you desire, filled with new sober women friends.
I don't think we can expect that other's change and not drink for us or around us.
When we wanted to drink, and do what we wanted to do, did we care?
Live and let live.
You are changing, not them.
Yes, I would stay away from those social gatherings that include drinking alcohol. I know it would be too much of a temptation for me.
You must replace it with something else.
AA is working for me.
Best wishes to you.
PS...About being upset that you got mad. We are going to get mad. Our disease wants us mad, sorry for ourselves, self pity, poor me...it wants us to drink.
In my experience that is a very dangerous frame of mind.
When those thoughts come, as they will, call another sober woman or go to a meeting.
It reminds me of something my sponsor told me.
"You want sobriety? Come get it. It's right here at AA."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, I agree with most of what has been said here.
I think it's terrific that your husband doesn't drink around you. That is a wonderful show of support. Still, he has a right to go out with his friends, and I don't think it's fair to expect all your friends (not to mention his friends) to abstain from drinking for your sake. Soon it won't be as problematic for you to be around others who drink--you are not gonna have to give up your social life for good--it IS smart, though, to avoid being around drinking in the very beginning.
SO, if I were you, I'd express a lot of appreciation for the support your husband has been giving you, give him your blessing to go out without you until you feel more solid in your recovery, AND I think using your "alone" time to do some good things for your recovery (like going to AA meetings) is a GREAT idea. AA is great for keeping you from feeling sorry for yourself. And that's what you are doing when you get all mopy because other people are going out and drinking rather than doing what YOU want them to do.
Hugs, you aren't a horrible person. This just takes some getting used to, that's all.
I think it's terrific that your husband doesn't drink around you. That is a wonderful show of support. Still, he has a right to go out with his friends, and I don't think it's fair to expect all your friends (not to mention his friends) to abstain from drinking for your sake. Soon it won't be as problematic for you to be around others who drink--you are not gonna have to give up your social life for good--it IS smart, though, to avoid being around drinking in the very beginning.
SO, if I were you, I'd express a lot of appreciation for the support your husband has been giving you, give him your blessing to go out without you until you feel more solid in your recovery, AND I think using your "alone" time to do some good things for your recovery (like going to AA meetings) is a GREAT idea. AA is great for keeping you from feeling sorry for yourself. And that's what you are doing when you get all mopy because other people are going out and drinking rather than doing what YOU want them to do.
Hugs, you aren't a horrible person. This just takes some getting used to, that's all.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
hmm... I do think you're being a little selfish, TBH. Not that I don't understand how you might feel that way... but I told myself i was being selfish when I felt that way.
Alcoholism is your problem and quitting is your victory. If you really can't bring yourself to hang out with them (which I think is fine.. staying sober comes first) then I would apologize to your husband for not being able to 'be there' for/with him right now. Reassure him that it won't be forever.
I remember going to my first night out with people drinking. I have been around drinkers a few times and all I really notice is that nobody drinks as much as I thought they did. Does it feel awkward at first? Totally. And if you're not ready that is totally fine. but you can't, IMO resent your husband or your friends for their lack of alcohol problem, KWIM?
It gets easier!!
Alcoholism is your problem and quitting is your victory. If you really can't bring yourself to hang out with them (which I think is fine.. staying sober comes first) then I would apologize to your husband for not being able to 'be there' for/with him right now. Reassure him that it won't be forever.
I remember going to my first night out with people drinking. I have been around drinkers a few times and all I really notice is that nobody drinks as much as I thought they did. Does it feel awkward at first? Totally. And if you're not ready that is totally fine. but you can't, IMO resent your husband or your friends for their lack of alcohol problem, KWIM?
It gets easier!!
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