How a recovering alcoholic deals with a wet [ie driinking still] alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
How a recovering alcoholic deals with a wet [ie driinking still] alcoholic
does the AA or any of you or SR have any advice guidelines etc on how a recovering alcoholic should deal with other non-recovering [wet] or relapsing alcoholics.
That is to say assuming the relapsed/wet alcoholic is someone we[the recovering alcoholics] know personally as a friend or family member how should one deal with them.
Im assuming here avoidance will not always be possible or and you can all call me a bleeding heart but well we all recovering alcoholics how dramatic wet alcoholics can be - sometimes they do make avoidance difficult especially if they are making contrary noises about their relapse [one moment wanting to quit again the next moment asking you for alcohol]
Ive got one next door [a guy in (he claims) a relapse of about 2 1/2 months after a 10 month dry spell, im 8 weeks sober today - 1st quit attempt personally so no personal experience with relapses/relapsing until now and what i have read online **}
ill probably work this one out myself but its causing me some stress and consternation so i thought id give you lot a whirl.
im actually concerned for the guy 2 and well if he has told me the truth [blurting out as wet alcoholics do] hes been through a horrible time in some of his life and hes self harming aswell
way i look at it my hp has brought this person 2 me for some reason-my way of thinking is that i have to learn something. ive learnt somethings already about it.
watched my meditation hp videos last night but clueless right now so its sr or just do anything to kill time since i dont think i can sleep for concern over him and me to close for comfort
That is to say assuming the relapsed/wet alcoholic is someone we[the recovering alcoholics] know personally as a friend or family member how should one deal with them.
Im assuming here avoidance will not always be possible or and you can all call me a bleeding heart but well we all recovering alcoholics how dramatic wet alcoholics can be - sometimes they do make avoidance difficult especially if they are making contrary noises about their relapse [one moment wanting to quit again the next moment asking you for alcohol]
Ive got one next door [a guy in (he claims) a relapse of about 2 1/2 months after a 10 month dry spell, im 8 weeks sober today - 1st quit attempt personally so no personal experience with relapses/relapsing until now and what i have read online **}
ill probably work this one out myself but its causing me some stress and consternation so i thought id give you lot a whirl.
im actually concerned for the guy 2 and well if he has told me the truth [blurting out as wet alcoholics do] hes been through a horrible time in some of his life and hes self harming aswell
way i look at it my hp has brought this person 2 me for some reason-my way of thinking is that i have to learn something. ive learnt somethings already about it.
watched my meditation hp videos last night but clueless right now so its sr or just do anything to kill time since i dont think i can sleep for concern over him and me to close for comfort
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Kevin,
I agree that this person is in your life to teach your something. And, I'm sorry that you are so concerned about him.
I wonder if you believe that you can help your friend, simply by being a good example to him. You continue to work on your recovery and allow him to see how you are moving forward in your life. Maybe he is in your life so that you can show him, by example, what he needs to do.
I agree that this person is in your life to teach your something. And, I'm sorry that you are so concerned about him.
I wonder if you believe that you can help your friend, simply by being a good example to him. You continue to work on your recovery and allow him to see how you are moving forward in your life. Maybe he is in your life so that you can show him, by example, what he needs to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 316
Two of my close friends are alcoholics, and it's so hard to watch. Both flat-out refuse to believe that I actually quit. It's often triggering to me when they make future drinking plans for me when I've told them so many times that I don't drink anymore. One of them admits to being an alcoholic, and we get along just fine. I just try to be a positive influence in his life, and support him without enabling him. It's a tough balance to strike, but we seem to have it figured out. The other friend does not identify as an alcoholic and he resents me for quitting... but he's also competitive, and declares himself "The New [my full name]." When he was in the emergency room for a drinking-related injury, he asked how it felt to be outdone. I try to just focus on aspects of our friendship other than drinking, but it's hard not to get mad at him for the things he says and does.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hey kevin - I agree with Anna that moving forward with your life is the best example you can give him. Maybe you could offer to go with him to a meeting?
I think until people are ready to quit, they will drag us into their drama and that can make early sobriety extra stressful. I don't think I could hang out with someone who was drinking heavily. It would be a trigger for me too.
Make some boundaries for yourself and stick to them. If he gets upset, just tell him you need to distance yourself for a while until your sobriety is stronger.
Just my opinion, but I've had a few experiences getting in over my head with helping others, too.
I think until people are ready to quit, they will drag us into their drama and that can make early sobriety extra stressful. I don't think I could hang out with someone who was drinking heavily. It would be a trigger for me too.
Make some boundaries for yourself and stick to them. If he gets upset, just tell him you need to distance yourself for a while until your sobriety is stronger.
Just my opinion, but I've had a few experiences getting in over my head with helping others, too.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
All you can really do in this situation is let him know that AA will still be there when he's ready to quit and pray for him. You can't make anyone quit drinking that doesn't want to quit. As for your concern over him, give it to God and let him take care of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Thanks everyone my boundaries went out of the window yesterday. i ended up walking him to the train station to buy a train ticket[he had no money so i had to use my card] to meet his family for a pow pow so that they could help him and take him shopping. he had no clean clothes so ended up wearing mine.
as of yesterday (evening) he tells me he is going to get clean although in the afternoon (before meeting his family) he was still asking for me to buy him alcohol (which i refused)
sigh
as of yesterday (evening) he tells me he is going to get clean although in the afternoon (before meeting his family) he was still asking for me to buy him alcohol (which i refused)
sigh
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Please be careful of your boundaries Kevin - I know you've been reading the Big Book...well, there's a reason why service to other alcoholics is the 12th and last step of AA..
I've seen many many well meaning people fall in early recovery from becoming too involved with an active alcoholic.
Like everything else in life we have to walk before we can run.
Have you heard of the oxygen mask allegory? (it's from a buddhist based blog but it's not necessary to be a buddhist to get this idea...it's just a good way of explaining what I'm trying to get at...)
It's great you want to help others Kevin - as some others have suggested you could be an example for this guy...
but take it from one who's been there - don;t lose yourself in all this - just make sure all this is not at the expense of yourself and your well being, ok?
D
I've seen many many well meaning people fall in early recovery from becoming too involved with an active alcoholic.
Like everything else in life we have to walk before we can run.
Have you heard of the oxygen mask allegory? (it's from a buddhist based blog but it's not necessary to be a buddhist to get this idea...it's just a good way of explaining what I'm trying to get at...)
The saying on planes, Put(ting) your oxygen mask on before assisting others, is a selfless teaching. The reason for putting your mask on first, is the Buddhist parallel; “Youll be no good to anyone if you don't remain conscious.”
Once you have your mask on things get really exciting on the path. You are then able to help others, by putting their masks on for them. You can guide other to the path; you can become their oxygen line. You can begin to bring them peace. No longer are you seen as selfish, your true nature is seen as a selfless, giving person.
In Buddhism your practice will actually get stronger and grow more rapidly once your mask is on. Once you understand how things work inside you, you’ll naturally begin to see how they work in others the same way. You will discover how things work in other people, and see them as teachings about and for yourself.
To help others, you must help yourself first. If you try to help others initially, you will both remain unconscious and will not be able to guide them to the path. Sometimes what appears to the unskilled eye as a selfish gesture is really the most selfless gesture there is.
from: Putting on Your Oxygen Mask, Before Assisting Other = Buddhism?
Once you have your mask on things get really exciting on the path. You are then able to help others, by putting their masks on for them. You can guide other to the path; you can become their oxygen line. You can begin to bring them peace. No longer are you seen as selfish, your true nature is seen as a selfless, giving person.
In Buddhism your practice will actually get stronger and grow more rapidly once your mask is on. Once you understand how things work inside you, you’ll naturally begin to see how they work in others the same way. You will discover how things work in other people, and see them as teachings about and for yourself.
To help others, you must help yourself first. If you try to help others initially, you will both remain unconscious and will not be able to guide them to the path. Sometimes what appears to the unskilled eye as a selfish gesture is really the most selfless gesture there is.
from: Putting on Your Oxygen Mask, Before Assisting Other = Buddhism?
but take it from one who's been there - don;t lose yourself in all this - just make sure all this is not at the expense of yourself and your well being, ok?
D
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suggest you talk to your sponsor about how to help in this situation. I think it's always good to work with another alcoholic, but it's best to know what you're doing so you don't put either of you at risk.
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