Advice Needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Advice Needed
Okay, I'm not entirely sure where else to write this, I'm not even sure if it's the right kind of forum. But, let me start from the beginning.
I was born to an alcoholic, single parent. For the first few years of my life, my grandparents cared for me because my mother was doing drugs at the time. She went into rehab, quit shooting heroin, and started to drink. When I was four or five my grandparents relinquished custody because they thought it was important for a daughter to grow up with her mother. I am 22 years old now.
My relationship with my mother has been one of caregiver. I was the adult in our little duo, our "Girl's Club", as she called it. I have always been the responsible, loyal, smart kid that could fix up the apartment before the landlord got there, or who knew how to lie in order to keep the family from asking questions.
I have little to no ability to feel for my own self-preservation, even today as an adult.
Things between my mother and I have always been very, very caustic. She was emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I began living with her as a child, and every time I would boomerang in between her home and my grandparent's home, her sense of urgency to control what I said, and did, when and where became much more dominant. I always felt like she was trying to keep a lid on her behavior, like she didn't want people to know. Although, I'm not entirely sure how they couldn't.
Growing up being told I would never be good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, being told I was worthless, and being constantly lied to by the one person in the world a little girl is supposed to trust, her mother, has, I realize, taken a profound toll on how I view myself as a person. If I am incapable of finishing a task, today, I feel like a complete failure. I've always been very smart, book-wise, and had a 3.98 GPA in two-year college, but when I failed to qualify for loans that I didn't have to pay back until the end of the rest of my schooling (thanks to the awesome dip in the economy), my mother, who I had only had the guts to move out from under a year before, told me I should kill myself, my life was over, and that I had not only ruined her life, but had become the failure and disappointment she knew I would be. At the time, about a year ago, I knew I shouldn't have paid heed to what she said, that my own sense of self-worth should be high enough that I knew I was better, and smart, and funny and pretty, even without her approval. Instead I fell into a crippling depression, because I hadn't just failed myself, but I had lived down to the expectations of the one person, who God bless it, I shouldn't ever listen to.
Long story, and I'm getting to the relevant part, I promise.
For the last five years I've been in a relationship with a person who is not an alcoholic, but nonetheless, requires my constant care due to his impulsivity, irresonsibility, and who has a tendency to put me down. We were engaged. I quit my very good job in order to pack us up, but I've known for the last year that I really didn't want to be in this relationship.
We broke up about a month ago, and continue to live in the same apartment since he will be moving out of state by the beginning of April. I still cannot find another job, as my old job has no positions left. I have no money because I was always the one who paid the bills. If I can't find a job by the end of March, I might have to boomerang back to my mother's house, and our relationship is still very tenuous, as she is still an alcoholic.
I've spent every day, six hours a day, filling out applications at every crap job I can think of. I've gone to a handful of interviews and 3 positions outright have told me I've overqualified for the job. I really don't know what to do. My options seem to be: If I can't find a job, move in with an abusive parent, who, even if I am an adult I know I will buckle under the thumb of, or suck it up and get back together with a man I don't love anymore.
Any advice would be great, and I apologize if this is not the perfect place for a thread like this. If I could afford therapy, I'd definitely be there.
I was born to an alcoholic, single parent. For the first few years of my life, my grandparents cared for me because my mother was doing drugs at the time. She went into rehab, quit shooting heroin, and started to drink. When I was four or five my grandparents relinquished custody because they thought it was important for a daughter to grow up with her mother. I am 22 years old now.
My relationship with my mother has been one of caregiver. I was the adult in our little duo, our "Girl's Club", as she called it. I have always been the responsible, loyal, smart kid that could fix up the apartment before the landlord got there, or who knew how to lie in order to keep the family from asking questions.
I have little to no ability to feel for my own self-preservation, even today as an adult.
Things between my mother and I have always been very, very caustic. She was emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I began living with her as a child, and every time I would boomerang in between her home and my grandparent's home, her sense of urgency to control what I said, and did, when and where became much more dominant. I always felt like she was trying to keep a lid on her behavior, like she didn't want people to know. Although, I'm not entirely sure how they couldn't.
Growing up being told I would never be good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, being told I was worthless, and being constantly lied to by the one person in the world a little girl is supposed to trust, her mother, has, I realize, taken a profound toll on how I view myself as a person. If I am incapable of finishing a task, today, I feel like a complete failure. I've always been very smart, book-wise, and had a 3.98 GPA in two-year college, but when I failed to qualify for loans that I didn't have to pay back until the end of the rest of my schooling (thanks to the awesome dip in the economy), my mother, who I had only had the guts to move out from under a year before, told me I should kill myself, my life was over, and that I had not only ruined her life, but had become the failure and disappointment she knew I would be. At the time, about a year ago, I knew I shouldn't have paid heed to what she said, that my own sense of self-worth should be high enough that I knew I was better, and smart, and funny and pretty, even without her approval. Instead I fell into a crippling depression, because I hadn't just failed myself, but I had lived down to the expectations of the one person, who God bless it, I shouldn't ever listen to.
Long story, and I'm getting to the relevant part, I promise.
For the last five years I've been in a relationship with a person who is not an alcoholic, but nonetheless, requires my constant care due to his impulsivity, irresonsibility, and who has a tendency to put me down. We were engaged. I quit my very good job in order to pack us up, but I've known for the last year that I really didn't want to be in this relationship.
We broke up about a month ago, and continue to live in the same apartment since he will be moving out of state by the beginning of April. I still cannot find another job, as my old job has no positions left. I have no money because I was always the one who paid the bills. If I can't find a job by the end of March, I might have to boomerang back to my mother's house, and our relationship is still very tenuous, as she is still an alcoholic.
I've spent every day, six hours a day, filling out applications at every crap job I can think of. I've gone to a handful of interviews and 3 positions outright have told me I've overqualified for the job. I really don't know what to do. My options seem to be: If I can't find a job, move in with an abusive parent, who, even if I am an adult I know I will buckle under the thumb of, or suck it up and get back together with a man I don't love anymore.
Any advice would be great, and I apologize if this is not the perfect place for a thread like this. If I could afford therapy, I'd definitely be there.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Welcome to SR, Ennui. I'm sorry you are in that situation. I'm sure it's very frustrating. Have you considered temp work? I know a few people who do that and many times, a full-time job will avail itself, but, if not, you can still work pretty much every day if you're not particular about where they send you. Another suggestion might be finding a roommate to share expenses with. Either a friend you already know or possibly by putting an ad in the paper or answering one already there.
Try to not limit you options to the two you mentioned, neither one of which sound very good. If you put your thinking cap on, I'm sure you can come up with some other possibilities. Maybe renting a room from someone. I know we have one person here who has an ad out for a renter. Maybe if you look around, you can find one in your area.
Again, welcome to SR. We're here to support you.
Try to not limit you options to the two you mentioned, neither one of which sound very good. If you put your thinking cap on, I'm sure you can come up with some other possibilities. Maybe renting a room from someone. I know we have one person here who has an ad out for a renter. Maybe if you look around, you can find one in your area.
Again, welcome to SR. We're here to support you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Also, you might try posting this in our Friends and Family forum. It gets more traffic and you might get more suggestions. Here's the link...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Alright, I'll C&P the post like you recommended. I am also with a temp agency at the moment, but jobs are pretty scarce (yay Midwest?), and I am unfortunately one of my only friends left who isn't in college or hasn't moved away. I don't have a heck of a whole lot of friends, just because I exhibit the typical inability to trust others, which is my own hang up, I know. (Funny how most of my friends also had alcoholic or abusive parents, it's interesting how we can pick one another out of a crowd).
I know I still have a month, and my ex is being fine about paying for rent this month since he has to stay here also. I understand that I have a month left to find a job, get some money rolling in, but I'm starting to feel really... hopeless about the whole thing. I have a tendency to resign myself to one particular course of action, so I'm doing the only thing I know how to do - ask for advice!
Thank you very much for the roommate suggestion, I've thought a lot about it. The apartment I'm on a lease for is a one bedroom and I'm used to sleeping on the couch anyway, so that wouldn't be that much of a change for me.
I know I still have a month, and my ex is being fine about paying for rent this month since he has to stay here also. I understand that I have a month left to find a job, get some money rolling in, but I'm starting to feel really... hopeless about the whole thing. I have a tendency to resign myself to one particular course of action, so I'm doing the only thing I know how to do - ask for advice!
Thank you very much for the roommate suggestion, I've thought a lot about it. The apartment I'm on a lease for is a one bedroom and I'm used to sleeping on the couch anyway, so that wouldn't be that much of a change for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
It sounds to me like the two 'possibilities' you list are not possibilities at all. Moving back in with your mother is not a possibility. She is toxic. Staying with a controlling mother-substitute, your ex fiance, is not a possibility. He is toxic.
Unfortunately in this economy, getting a job is something you do not have any control over. Not to say that it's another impossibility, it's just that there's nothing you can do that will change whether or not you will get a job. Time to think outside the box. How about some kind of caretaker position, where you get a place to live in exchange for doing housecleaning or gardening or animal care? or an internship in something that provides dorm space? How about the Civilian Conservation Corp? you're the right age for it. Dirty hard physical labor often but not always. I had a coworker who did that in between community college and university. She spent a lot of time weedwhacking brush in southeastern swamps, but she also was a classroom aide in East St. Louis. There was dorm lodging with some positions. Then there's the Peace Corps, Americorps, and teaching English as a Second Language abroad. You're the right age for all these things.
Signing up for temp work is a good idea although I don't believe that it leads to permanent employment anymore, too many employers have decided to run through a string of temps they can terminate with no notice whenever things get slow, rather than give someone a real job. (then they wonder why sales are down! no one has money or confidence in the future!) That said, I hired on as a 10-week seasonal and am still at that same employer nearly 3 years later - still a temp, but a constant string of 3 month assignments one after another. It could end at any time with no notice, but so far so good. You never know.
The one thing I myself would never do is move back in with my toxic mother, even though two of my brothers have done so. Personally I would rather live in my car. There's no going back to that prison. That's my resolution.
Hang in there girl. These are tough times for everyone and even tougher for those of us at the disadvantage of alcoholic/toxic families but don't let that stop you from freeing yourself from the toxic family.
Unfortunately in this economy, getting a job is something you do not have any control over. Not to say that it's another impossibility, it's just that there's nothing you can do that will change whether or not you will get a job. Time to think outside the box. How about some kind of caretaker position, where you get a place to live in exchange for doing housecleaning or gardening or animal care? or an internship in something that provides dorm space? How about the Civilian Conservation Corp? you're the right age for it. Dirty hard physical labor often but not always. I had a coworker who did that in between community college and university. She spent a lot of time weedwhacking brush in southeastern swamps, but she also was a classroom aide in East St. Louis. There was dorm lodging with some positions. Then there's the Peace Corps, Americorps, and teaching English as a Second Language abroad. You're the right age for all these things.
Signing up for temp work is a good idea although I don't believe that it leads to permanent employment anymore, too many employers have decided to run through a string of temps they can terminate with no notice whenever things get slow, rather than give someone a real job. (then they wonder why sales are down! no one has money or confidence in the future!) That said, I hired on as a 10-week seasonal and am still at that same employer nearly 3 years later - still a temp, but a constant string of 3 month assignments one after another. It could end at any time with no notice, but so far so good. You never know.
The one thing I myself would never do is move back in with my toxic mother, even though two of my brothers have done so. Personally I would rather live in my car. There's no going back to that prison. That's my resolution.
Hang in there girl. These are tough times for everyone and even tougher for those of us at the disadvantage of alcoholic/toxic families but don't let that stop you from freeing yourself from the toxic family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 13
As someone a decade older than you who has suddenly found herself back in her family's toxic household, I hope and pray that you do NOT choose that option. Even as a last resort. I understand all about feeling like there are few options ahead of you. The truth is that often we can only see the options that are most familiar to us. Dig deeper, don't let fear of the unfamiliar hinder you, and come up with the plan that puts your own safety and happiness at the forefront.
I wish you the best of luck. Please know that you are not a failure in any sense of the word. My heart goes out to you.
I wish you the best of luck. Please know that you are not a failure in any sense of the word. My heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Ennui, first of all congratulations on your growth! you made a good decision for yourself, by getting out of another codependent relationship which is what your wonderful mother trained you for! The worthless part i totally get as my mother did the same. Recognizing that we may be conditioned to set ourselves up for failure-just to live up to our wonderful mothers' vituperation- is a milestone for growth. Please read as much as you can on this site, it goes very deep. I also hope that you can recognize that you are struggling to come out of your cocoon and be the beautiful butterfly you are, and with this positive approach and faith that this is all good...you will have the impetus to find your way to a better place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: colstrip, montana
Posts: 237
Ennui,
That option of teaching English as a second language in another country sounds pretty good to me. (Someone mentioned it in one of the above posts). If I were young like you and without children, and courageous, I would jump on that one, I think. I'm sure they would provide lodging and safety and security since you would be doing a very important job for them!
I'm not young anymore. I will be 51 in June. My daughter is almost ten. I rent the basement in the house of a couple of my friends of mine. They have a nice house and they offered to rent their basement to me when I was having housing problems a year ago. It was weird at first because I have always had my own place and had to knock my ego down a few notches. Humbling myself was good for me. They are an older couple and they have been very good to me. I DO look forward to getting my own place again, but I have to say, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be!
I still go to A.A. on a regular basis. My parents have long since past away (from the disease). Makes me sad that they didn't even get to see my daughter. But, if they were as cruel to me as your mother is to you, there is no way in _ _ _ _ that I would live with them. My parents were alcoholics. They lived for the drink. I left their house when I was 18 and I never returned. I cared but I could no longer live there and watch them ruin their lives. (Of course, later I got into my own drinking/drugging, but grabbed onto the life preserver that A.A. tossed at me. I've been sober ever since!)
I will pray for you. I pray that you will begin to turn your Fear into Faith.
That option of teaching English as a second language in another country sounds pretty good to me. (Someone mentioned it in one of the above posts). If I were young like you and without children, and courageous, I would jump on that one, I think. I'm sure they would provide lodging and safety and security since you would be doing a very important job for them!
I'm not young anymore. I will be 51 in June. My daughter is almost ten. I rent the basement in the house of a couple of my friends of mine. They have a nice house and they offered to rent their basement to me when I was having housing problems a year ago. It was weird at first because I have always had my own place and had to knock my ego down a few notches. Humbling myself was good for me. They are an older couple and they have been very good to me. I DO look forward to getting my own place again, but I have to say, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be!
I still go to A.A. on a regular basis. My parents have long since past away (from the disease). Makes me sad that they didn't even get to see my daughter. But, if they were as cruel to me as your mother is to you, there is no way in _ _ _ _ that I would live with them. My parents were alcoholics. They lived for the drink. I left their house when I was 18 and I never returned. I cared but I could no longer live there and watch them ruin their lives. (Of course, later I got into my own drinking/drugging, but grabbed onto the life preserver that A.A. tossed at me. I've been sober ever since!)
I will pray for you. I pray that you will begin to turn your Fear into Faith.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
