Detach with Love, and Nights of worry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 53
Detach with Love, and Nights of worry
When we’ve recognised and accepted our powerlessness, and let go.
And they are left to experience the consequences, are there any ways at all in the world to stop the worries and fears that something awful will happen to them.
Those poor souls we love so much that once lit up our lives and now are dying a slow and sad death through alcoholism.
And they are left to experience the consequences, are there any ways at all in the world to stop the worries and fears that something awful will happen to them.
Those poor souls we love so much that once lit up our lives and now are dying a slow and sad death through alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I found that over time...
...and as I continued to work my own recovery in Alanon, I worried less and less, and thought of her consequences more and more as hers, rather than mine. There was a time I truly thought she was the walking dead, and had begun to work on accepting that as fact. I had to truly let her go.
I've heard many people share that when their alcoholics finally died they didn't really mourn, as they had finished mourning years before the actual deaths. I heard some even welcome the deaths as a relief, and the end of the suffering for their alcoholics.
As you know, my wife appears to have found her bottom, but there are no guarantees for me, as there are none for you.
That said, my thought are with you in what I know to be a very painful and difficult time.
Take care Brother,
Cyranoak
I've heard many people share that when their alcoholics finally died they didn't really mourn, as they had finished mourning years before the actual deaths. I heard some even welcome the deaths as a relief, and the end of the suffering for their alcoholics.
As you know, my wife appears to have found her bottom, but there are no guarantees for me, as there are none for you.
That said, my thought are with you in what I know to be a very painful and difficult time.
Take care Brother,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by reefbreakbda 
When we’ve recognised and accepted our powerlessness, and let go.
And they are left to experience the consequences, are there any ways at all in the world to stop the worries and fears that something awful will happen to them.
Those poor souls we love so much that once lit up our lives and now are dying a slow and sad death through alcoholism.
And they are left to experience the consequences, are there any ways at all in the world to stop the worries and fears that something awful will happen to them.
Those poor souls we love so much that once lit up our lives and now are dying a slow and sad death through alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Originally Posted by reefbreakbda
Those poor souls we love so much that once lit up our lives and now are dying a slow and sad death through alcoholism.
I don't think we will ever stop worrying about them but we can stop letting it consume us. These are obsessive thoughts. My Al Anon friend calls them "squirrel running in the cage". That is our disease. Two things that have helped me.
Repeating the serenity prayer over and over again and really focusing on what the words mean in my present situation.
Being totally present in the moment and what you are doing. I know this one sounds strange but it has helped me. So for instance, if you are doing laundry-going through the steps out loud as you do them (or in your head if you are at the laundromat and don't want anyone to questions your sanity). "I'm doing laundry, I'm doing laundry, I'm sorting the whites from the darks. I'm measuring the detergent, I'm doing laundry...you get the picture. I know it sounds really weird but try it. It has helped me when I have become obsessive in my thinking.
It is so hard to watch them go down but we do not help by "helping" them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
For me working my program helped and practice ,practice,practice..shutting off those thoughts when they happen, recognizing the obsession and letting the thought go is lke working out..the muscle gets stronger.When I first started i had no control over my thoughts..alanon literature and buddihst readings as well taught me I can have more control and not be so at the mercy of my monkey mind. Jamaicame's suggestion is right on in my opinion..staying in the present, the now instead of future tripping or dwelling in the past is very healing.It does get better and I don't think you ever totally get rid of that sadness, but you can be happy and free of obsession..
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I get a daily meditation email from Hazelden every day, called "Today's Gift". Today's meditation was about worry, and it had an anonymous quote: "Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
Worry is one of the least productive activities there is. It's hard to let go of, though. One of the things I worked on was visualizing handing my loved one over to his own Higher Power to watch over him on his journey. There may be suffering in our loved ones' futures. But there also may be a miracle down the road. You can never know what might come to pass--the pain may be just what they need to change their lives. If they choose not to (or are unable to) accept help, we can comfort ourselves that we couldn't do it for them, either.
We can keep them in our prayers and lovingly let them go.
Worry is one of the least productive activities there is. It's hard to let go of, though. One of the things I worked on was visualizing handing my loved one over to his own Higher Power to watch over him on his journey. There may be suffering in our loved ones' futures. But there also may be a miracle down the road. You can never know what might come to pass--the pain may be just what they need to change their lives. If they choose not to (or are unable to) accept help, we can comfort ourselves that we couldn't do it for them, either.
We can keep them in our prayers and lovingly let them go.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
My mantra is "Worrying will not change the outcome."
When I had to let my son go I worked really, really hard on "acceptance". I even accepted that he might die from these nasty drugs or by suicide (which he threatened many times). I felt I was mentally prepared for any outcome. It's been the most painful and gut-wrenching process I've ever been through....and I've been through a lot.
Worrying will not change the outcome.
==============================
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
==============================
When I had to let my son go I worked really, really hard on "acceptance". I even accepted that he might die from these nasty drugs or by suicide (which he threatened many times). I felt I was mentally prepared for any outcome. It's been the most painful and gut-wrenching process I've ever been through....and I've been through a lot.
Worrying will not change the outcome.
==============================
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
==============================
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Relate so well on this subject. Drug/alcohol addiction is a dead end street. It's just so hard to watch your loved one go down it, knowing the further down they go the more distant they are to you. The grieving process happens every time I interact with my adult child. It becomes the epitame of powerlessness and has brought me to my knees many a times.
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