Andee

Hi i'm Andee i'm 27 years old. I have been with my husband for 7 years married for 3 of those years. he has been sober for 3 months now. he had a pain pill addiction for about 4 years. he had an overdose on November 24th after that he made it a point to get sober and has done great going to meetings he's in a program with a doctor also and we're in marriage counseling to try and rebuild the trust and everything that was broken due to the drug addiction. well the thing is as happy as i am that he is sober, if i feel like AA is taking over his life and he's for getting about "our life" everything just keeps changing AA has changed him so much to the point i feel like i don't know him i feel very uncomfortable around him. when he isn't at aa it's all he talks about it's all he reads about. i just feel like he wanted pills more than he wanted me for so long and now i feel like AA is taking my place i don't feel wanted or needed by him. i never gave up on him once all the times he didn't come home, all the names i was called, all the times he told me he didn't love me or wanna be with me. the night he had his overdose he called and i went right to him found him in the middle of the road the car running hinm in the driver seat pills everywhere and him out cold. i was so scared he was dead. well for the first month he was sober things were amazing i couldn't ask for anything better it was so nice having him back the man i loved the man i knew i didn't have to ask anything out of him my feelings were at the top of his list our relationship was also. and now it's not things are very weird with us we don't really talk we don't do anything i don't feel loved i don't feel like he cares anymore i feel like the only thing on his mind is AA i know he needs it but i need him too. i thought when he got sober we would have our lives back it almost seems harder now than when he was on drugs and drinking. we seemed to be on the right track for a while i was even trying to trust him til his old drug dealer called he said he didn't know why he called hes also passed all his drug tests thats a +. but after that things seemed to get off track. i just feel very broken and lost i feel like i'm losing him once again i feel likee AA is gonna change him so much it's going to push us apart. i just want hin sober but i want the person i know and love back! we are starting to fight alot more about it and i just don't like it. i would never ask him to stop going to his meetings i know how much he needs them and how much he enjoys going hes made good friends there. i just feel like theres no room for me anymore and for so long everythings been about him and his drug addiction then i got to see what it was like to have hinm back then it changed again. all in 3 months i understand 3 months is a long time to be sober but 3 months isn't long on my end for the years i went threw hell with him. i hope someone can help me cause i just don't know what to do anymore. i try talking to him about it and it just turns into a fight and i get called nasty names so i don't even bother anymore it really gets me no where i get told "you wanted this!" yes i wanted him sober but i didn't want him to change everything i knew and loved so much about him. we had such a great life before the drugs i just want it back. i myself have never even been drunk so all this is pretty new to me still i just need some support myself with this.

thanks,
Andee

artsoul

I'm so sorry things aren't going better for you, Andee. I know addiction can change people and sometimes recovery can, too. Have you tried going to AlAnon and working on your own "recovery?" There's a forum here for friends and family of both alcoholics and substance abusers, which may help:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I'm glad your boyfriend is sober and enjoying AA, but I understand your disappointment and hurt. It's even more disheartening that he is so defensive when it comes to you expressing your needs.

I know you'll get lots of input/support/understanding here. It's not an easy road that's for sure.:ghug3

recycle

Andee, recovery can be all consuming. It was that way for me, I spent 20+ hours a week in treatment, and meetings. I was in a fight for my life, and the outcome was (is) not a sure thing. Do your best to keep the lines of communication open. It helped my wife to go to some Alanon meetings, she even went to meet with my alcohol counselor with me, which helped her a lot.

GodsHolyWill

I think the suggestions about going to Al-Anon meetings are great! You may meet people there who share your feelings too!

Dee74

Hi Andee

I've never been in AA but I agree with the others here that recovery can be all-consuming - I know it needed to be for me.

The other thing was I had so many mood swings and perception shifts in those first few months I don't know how I would have done that with a partner, or how they would have put up with me

I did eventually reach a plateau tho, and I've stayed pretty constant since.

Whatever happens with you guys, I wish you both the best

I hope you'll take care of yourself in all this and follow up on the suggestions here. I see you already have a thread now in F and F...I hope you'll look into Naranon too

D

GodsHolyWill

Hi again Andee! I just had another thought. Although Al-Anon is not for everyone, if you tried it and liked it, you could be on this new journey WITH your husband and not feel so left out. Just a thought.

BadCompany

This is very common. You've watched out for him for so long it does seem like the rug has been pulled out from under you. There is a lot to learn and the learning curve is very steep in AA. This may be the first time he's found someone that has faced the same dragons he has. It'll take some time but he'll probably settle into a routine that is much less time intensive and there will be much more time for you.

You might ask him to take you to an open speaker meeting so you can see what all the fuss is about.