SeinUndZeit

Hello forum,

I am a young man, one year out of law school and two years since my last drink. I thought that sobriety (from drinking) would solve some serious problems and let me live without regret, which it has.

I find myself here, now, almost two years later, with social anxiety and isolation that is getting worse almost every day. I don't enjoy doing anything really, except feeding into and off of (drumroll) ... my self-pity about being sober.

My partner, the woman of my dreams who I have always felt like she was part of my family, is getting hurt badly by this. I know she can't and shouldn't stay if I don't get better.

My mother and father are the nicest, most loving I could imagine. Nevertheless, I started drinking and smoking pot at 13 years old. I have done most drugs I've ever even heard of, culminating in heavy drinking and any opiate-type. I quit drinking on June 16th, 2009, after a fight with my girlfriend at the cottage my grandfather built. I used 30 Days to Sobriety which helped me greatly. I haven't done any pills for even longer, but still fantasize about getting high every day, without fail.

** But after I quit drinking, I pretty much immediately ended social life completely. I have lost all my friends. No one calls me, ever, except my parents once a week. I have an extreme feeling of discomfort which I chalked up to not knowing what to do with people unless I was drinking, but I'm afraid it's worse than that. I cannot make eye contact. My girlfriend says I look like I'm on drugs and that's when I realized: I'm a Sober Addict still. I pity myself so badly for being sober, constantly.

Can someone point me in a direction?

[cliff notes: 2 years sober, hates self and other people]

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Trick question?

Try recovery.

The interior stuff.

Like they say at the tables, when a heavy drinker stops drinking, his problems disappear.

When an alcoholic stops drinking, his problems become apparent.

SeinUndZeit

Thanks,

I know that the next step is actual recovery, which is why that term is used instead of 'quitting'

Should I go to an AA meeting? I went to one in 2001 after a DUI accident and a (failed) bid at quitting, but I just got weepy while in there and then after decided that my agnosticism and my belief that empowerment is the best permanent solution wouldnt let me go back.

try again?

aasharon90

I learned thru recovery that in order to
remain sober I had to give away the knowledge
of what was taught to me to others that are
still suffering with addiction.

Today, i know for myself, that my soul purpose
in life is to help others in recovery. I can't keep
my sobriety if I dont pass it on.

When I pass on my own experiences strengths
and hopes of what it was like before during and
after drinking then im granted another day sober.

It is a awesome feeling when I can help someone
else. Even if it is just one person. That's all I have
to do.

And in doing this task, it allows me to get out of
my own "stuff" self seeking motives, and distracts
me if im feeling low, moody, sad, depressed, anxious,
aggrivated and so on and place my thoughts on
something more important than myself.

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic here in Baton Rouge,
Louisiana. I havent found it necessary to pick up a
drink of alcohol since 8-11-90. For that I am truely
grateful.

Today some 20 yrs sober, I am enjoying life at 50 and
having fun in a healthy, honest, caring and trusting way.

The longer I stay sober more exciting things are being
revealed to me. Those things are the rewards and promises
stated to us in our Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I can't wait to see what happens next in my sober life.

sailorjohn

You could try it again, definitely couldn't hurt, but what you believe about alcoholism and recovery-not the spiritual 'stuff', the 'empowerment'-are fundamentally at odds with what AA practices and believes.

You will get some solid insight into some of the issues you're having trouble with though, and consider getting a therapist that specializes in alcoholism/addiction as an adjunct.

Nothing like being able to completely unload with a good therapist.

LaFemme

Welcome! And congrats on 2 years

You should definitely try a meeting if you think it will help, I know it has helped many here.

I'm more of a therapy and self-help type person myself. The thing is I quit 7 months ago and I have worked hard on my "interior" self to be a happy healthy human being. So far so good.

SR is also a great place to get inspiration and advice, so hang out here

VeeTee

SeinundZeit - yes: try again!

I find going to AA meetings helps a lot with reducing my feelings of self-pity (regarding being or having to be sober). Because there I meet people who are in the same boat. People who a) don't drink and b) are working on their recovery.

Give it a try and don't worry about the God part.. it will all work itself out.

all the best
vee

yeahgr8

AA really works for me!

I had a few dry spells, mostly up to six months and felt exactly as you do...when i went to AA i knew that i was destined to be miserable with or without booze...thats a pretty hopeless and desperate situation!

I sought help through other avenues but was told time and time again that if i didn't drink that i wouldn't have a problem and that alcohol was the only thing that was causing my unhappiness...what a load of BS!

In AA i found a guy that had many years sobriety and was really happy in his life...i got to know him and asked him how he did it...he then proceeded to show me how and with some work i changed and became happy...i woke up this morning happy and regardless of circumstances i will wake up tomorrow happy...thats a very far way from where i was and where you are now...

Apart from the help we get in AA in order to change ourselves in order to live happy lives we can also make some good friends, people that will be around for the long haul and that helps with developing social skills and all that you have mentioned.

I can't recommend going to AA and getting on with the work they suggest enough...up to you now:-)

Kjell

Once I removed the alcohol, I was then left with myself.

I soon figured out that yes, alcohol caused "in-you-face" tangible problems, but it was merly a symptom of my bigger problem - me! I was my own problem the whole time.

I had to change/mold/shift myself or the same me would drink again, and again...and again. OR in your case, I'd be miserable with myself and no alcohol.

In short, I needed, then wanted a design for living (and not just breathing, but being happy, being grateful, being helpful, being ALIVE and useful) without alcohol.

AA did that and more, but I'm not special. It can work for you too.

Go to a meeting. Go in with an open mind, honesty at heart, and be willing to follow directions.

Get ready for the ride of your life!

Kjell

SeinUndZeit

"Apart from the help we get in AA in order to change ourselves in order to live happy lives we can also make some good friends, people that will be around for the long haul and that helps with developing social skills and all that you have mentioned."

I can't believe that this concept seems so far from me right now. I used to make friends easily, now I don't know how to maintain a simple conversation. I just turn inward and let discomfort consume me.

My plan right now is to do work inside myself. I am planning to structure my time so I can spend it constructively instead of my usual scheme of hesitation and pre-planning constantly.

I am going to a meeting tonight because I need some kind of support, even just to look into the eyes of someone who knows what this feels like.

It's great to have the response from this forum. Thank you for the advice.

recycle

SUZ, you are describing a dry drunk. You have not changed the 'why' of your using. I cannot, in good conscience, point you in a direction, because there are an infinite number of directions you can go and remain sober. However, I think you do need to go in direction. You need to find something outside your self that has some meaning.

artsoul

Welcome SUZ - excellent job on staying sober for 2 years. I'm sorry you're still struggling. When I went into treatment the first time, I discovered that I had been self-medicating with alcohol, treating my depression/anxiety. Depression often involves isolation, lack of interest, feelings of sadness or despair, and even some physical things too.

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? Lots of us have mental/emotional issues that need addressed along with the alcoholism. :ghug3

Dee74

Hi SeinUndZeit
Welcome

Some great suggestions here already.

For me it wasn't enough to simply stop drinking.

That was just the tip of the iceberg really - I had to look at how maladjusted i was before I started drinking and how more so I'd become now I'd stopped.

It may be you'll find counselling beneficial, or checking out some kind of recovery group...or you may just need to get out there again and start connecting with people...I dunno...but I hope that joining us can be the first step in you figuring out what to do next

D

GodsHolyWill

Welcome SUZ! It sounds like '30 Days to Sobriety' GOT you sober(which is most important!) but now you have to learn to LIVE sober(which is the next important step and is called recovery!) All I can do is point you in the direction of the recovery program that is helping me, which is AA. I just bought a book from AA called 'Living Sober' which is helping me to make a new life of being sober. I wish you the very best! Congratulations on two years! Wow!!!

Anna

I think you have found that stopping drinking is just the beginning.

That's when the really hard (and often scary) work starts.

When I finally stopped drinking, I was very beaten down, had lost all my friends and given up my activities. It was clear to me that I had to begin to rebuild. I had to remove some people from my life. Doing that, enabled other people (mentors and teachers) to come into my life.

My suggestion for you, and it's what really helped me, is to look around your community and get involved in some kind of volunteer work. It will get you outside of yourself, you will meet new people and enjoy the feeling of giving back to those in need.

Dee74

There were two threads on this....so I merged the two, and got rid of some double posts... and double answers

D

Inafishbowl

Just keep going until you find one with people you relate to. That makes all the difference. You'll stop crying soon. Don't let that bother you.

Be an athiest and it's not a problem. For me when I listen to the miracles in those meetings that is "spirit" enough.

Supercrew

Just my opinion, but if you are already sober, why would you go to AA? I understand seeing a counselor for your feelings, or a psychiatrist. It sounds to me like you need a purpose. Find something that interests you either from a business point of view or as a hobbie. Find something that you have a passion in, and learn it, live it, and do it. You need to find hope, because believe it or not hope cures depression.

If you feel like going to a meeting then by all means go to a meeting, but you licked the drinking thing, time to get on with life and start living and doing whatever it is you enjoy!!

Find a reason to live and do it!

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

Glad you have joined us...pleased that you did quit drugs and alcohol at a young age.

My AA friends make my life richer and we have all sorts of
interesting adventures. This can be true for you as well.

SeinUndZeit

Thank you all for the response...

I didn't make it to a meeting yesterday. Frankly, I would prefer counseling, but can't afford to right now.

Anna: I think volunteering is a great idea. My (new) plan, is to block out my time and try to be mindful of what I'm doing, instead of spending so much time concerned only with myself. Volunteering would be great.

Trying to address what has happened has been difficult. I used to keep my depression in control for years, and when I tried and failed to quit in the past, my depression came back to strong for me to handle. But this time, I learned that I could use a strict dietary and vitamin regimen to curb some of that. Which it did! It worked!

I remember when I started law school and our dean gave us the "look to your left and your right... one of you will develop a substance abuse problem during or after law school" ... I wanted to tell the people I was sitting next to, "don't worry, I brought one already"

I had friends there, but lost them between scaring them with my drug use and then right after I quit, I avoided everyone, partly from shame and partly from fear.

I fear that I have lost my sense of humor, my ability to carry on even a simple conversation, and all because I'm being such a brat about how I quit drugs and alcohol. I'm mad about that, and got angry once I started feeling physically better. I guess that I just figured that mere sobriety was enough.

I've reduced my social life to one very special person, and I take a lot out on her. I'm here now because I want to connect with people who know what this is like.

I thought that i had gotten over the "life is scary" feeling, but it's back.
My isolation has made me desperate to use again, because it's never been awkward for me to find a friend in getting high. That's so easy. Friends are hard, i guess because to be a real friend, I have to stop thinking about myself.

I'm stuck in pity for all the things I've had to quit, for how hard socializing is, and maybe mostly for how I never even had a good excuse to develop a problem. My parents raised me right, took me to church and told me they loved me every day, and gave me all the support I could ever want.

I'm a pretty philosophical guy, and want to try to study Buddhism... can someone recommend some recovery literature?

Seeing all these responses and posts gives me hope.