NobleCause

Woke up this past Sunday afternoon in that familiar, horrible state of sickness and despair. I remembered turning down a dozens drinks the evening before, sipping club soda with a lime wedge at a party, almost cocky in resolve and winding down 29 solid days sober. And then I remembered a glass of red wine, a healthy pour, suddenly thrust into my hand at dinner. I let it hang there for a minute just sort of stunned and quizzically appreciating its weight, and then my mind decided in a flash that I could probably sneak this one, just this one, on the sly. It wouldn't have to count, no one would ever be the wiser, and I'd get the momentary warm & fuzzy reprieve I was now crawling out of my skin for. I remembered a few more glasses of wine after that first and feeling a growing urgency, like I couldn't possibly get the alcohol into my body quickly enough, and then there was a hazy recollection of a switch to scotch. My memory drops off there, which, in some ways, is probably for the best right now. Sunday was unsurprisingly full of misery, and felt just hollow and pitiful enough for me to justify charging headlong into a bottle of gin in the daylight hours, a brilliant setup for a swifter descent into a repeat performance of the night prior. My sober streak was wrecked, so thrashing about in a fit of angry drinking seemed only an appropriate response.


I'm nearing the close of my 4th day sober now and am finally starting to recognize my mind again. My nerves & body are beginning to settle, the fog's lifting a bit, and I'm once again humbled by how quickly and deeply I am off on a tear once I get started. I've cleaned the house of booze, outlined a more comprehensive plan for this thing called recovery, and am trying my best to accept this failure, learn from it, and march onward. My confidence is admittedly a bit shaky, in part because I've never had a relapse which I so totally didn't predict, and in part because it seems I've stirred up the intensity of the cravings again. I am very grateful this bender ended when it did (they generally aren't so short lived), and really, truly hope it's the last one. This way of life is not sustainable.

(If anyone has any words of wisdom or awesome advice for getting back on track after a relapse, I'd be most appreciative...)

sailorjohn

Sure. Information never hurt.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

AA advice-and a lot of other professionals in recovery advise it-stay away from wet people/places.

Gmoney

Hi NobleCause,

I normally don't venture very far from the NA forum, but I was interested in reading what was said in this post and whether someone had replied. I'm not sure if you've tried AA, NA or any other 12 Step program...nor am I sure if you're willing to hear what I have to share...but here goes...

What you've shared sounds so very much like many of my failed past experiences with trying to do "normal" stuff in early recovery. By "normal" I mean the twisted ideas I had of returning to situations that non-addicts could handle and I couldn't (esp. parties where drugs and alcohol would be present). You see, I found it very easy to forget the pain of my last relapse and in no time I'd put myself right back in the same situations that led to my using - under the illusion that I could resist using will power. I've since learned that by going back to those same people, places and things, I actually had a reservation to use. I mean...why else would I be somewhere that I'll be offered (or have access to) the same stuff that kills me?

Oh yeah...I remember the nights of drinking those "pretty" soft drinks, trying to be cool and hanging with the crowd. Funny thing is, every time I did that I'd end up right where I started. It was only after I surrendered and found NA that I realized that not only would the drugs/drinks kill me...so would the lifestyle.

In order to live, I had to find a new way to live. I found that in NA.

G

NobleCause

That's a heck of an article... There are answers there for questions I didn't even know I had. Thanks.

NobleCause

Ironically enough, or perhaps not ironically at all, I attended my first AA meeting about 24 hours prior to the first drink that I took. If nothing else, this past weekend is likely reaffirmation that I need to return, get a sponsor, and work the program. As for avoiding people/places/things - it is so obvious when pointed out, and I need to be more diligent in protecting those boundaries... Just kind of amazing how easily I can slip into feeling that I can "act" my way through those situations like a normal person.

Veritas1

The experience of drinking too much after trying to be sober is helpful in being able to be honest with one's self about the problem.

If we didn't try to get and stay sober, and not be able to...we may not have a real problem with alcohol. That we do have trouble getting and staying sober is the truth we need to get a full knowledge of our condition.

Someone told me that it must be impressed upon our minds that to drink alcohol is like when we teach children not to touch fire. We must be convinced that we cannot drink safely.

Our very experience shows us that we can't drink safely, yet we drink again.

There is much work to do.

If we have no defense against that first drink. How can we build one so that we are more prepared next time?

The program of AA is helping me.

I see that you went to a meeting, so that is good. You know you can go back. Get a Big Book. Get a sponsor and create a strong support group of sober people around you. Immerse yourself, stay in the middle of AA, attend meetings, get started working your steps, and avoid anywhere alcohol is served for awhile.

As someone wise on these boards told me once...you have no business being around alcohol right now.

Best wishes

Belier

NobleCause, your post has really got me thinking, I have my birthday coming up with a good friend out to dinner, and I have been toying with the idea that maybe I can just have one drink with her. Boy do I need to have a long hard think. I am thinking of you and am happy you have started recovery again so quickly.

NobleCause

At the risk of sounding bossy, I strongly, strongly encourage you not to pick up the first drink. Even if no great tragedy immediately comes of it, the psychic toll can be crushing, and waking up back at square one, defeated and staring down the futility of your efforts is no way to celebrate. Have a wonderful, healthy birthday instead.

GodsHolyWill

NobleCause - I'm just ending day 5 so I don't have much advice to give, but I will be keeping you in my prayers! I realized that my WILLpower WILL fail me so I've turned to God and to AA. (That's just what's working for me. I respect other people's experiences and paths to recovery.) I just got my Big Book today and I'm excited to see what wisdom this book holds; what it is that has helped thousands and thousands of people to get and stay sober. I think it's awesome that you've went to a meeting! I unfortunately can't go since I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and am pretty much home-bound, but you are blessed that you get to go! Off topic - I think you are a WONDERFUL writer! I thoroughly enjoy reading whatever you write, so maybe you can use the time you used to use for drinking towards writing an awesome book!

Dee74

Thanks for your post NobleCause - it certainly took me back there.

I tripped up time and again trying to 'act normal'.

The last time, I avoided those kinds of situations for a long time until I was certain I could handle it and remain true to what I knew I had to do.

Those couple of months out of circulation weren't a lot compared to the rest of my life - and they were a pretty wise investment

Sounds like you've learned a few things too - I'm glad you're back with us
D

Stevie1

NobleCause, that was very eloquent.

'grats for awareness and getting back on the wagon right away.

LexieCat

Sometimes it takes a final experiment or two to convince ourselves. I'm lucky that I was all experimented-out when I came into AA.

I second what you already know you need to do--get back to AA, get a sponsor, and work this program like your life depends on it. Because it does.

SSIL75

Thank you for your post. You're a great writer. I can easily summon up those same feelings. I remember it vividly

CarolD

I too am glad you are getting back on track so soon...

When I began my AA Step work...my often shakey sobriety
turned into solid recovery...
I'm so pleased you are open to AA

MIBluebird

Thank you Noblecause for your very honest post...I needed to read something like this. My heart hurts for you but this helps with my struggle of going to my usual places where there is always alcohol. This is especially true on Friday's when everyone goes down to the local bar. I haven't been there in a month and I know when my husband comes home from his business trip he is going to try to guilt me into going and I was seriously considering it tonight (to make him happy) but now I'm going to refuse. I can't go to those places anymore, it is just too hard. I hate being in a bar without being buzzed. I don't know what to say, I'm anxious, and I want to bolt out of there. So thank you for posting and I'm so glad you are sober again...by being so you are helping others out there that are struggling just like you are.

artsoul

Hi NobleCause - glad you shared that.... it's easy to forget the misery sometimes.

You had a trial by fire (!).... and you learned that it's just not worth entertaining that "one glass of wine." I always began drinking with the intention to keep at a moderate level - I don't know why it took hundreds of times to convince me I couldn't succeed. I guess that's the insanity of this disease.

You can use this as even more motivation to stay away (far away!) from that first drink. You can do it this time!:ghug3

Creekryder

NC, there is probably not one person here that hasn't had the same thing occur in their path to sobriety. Mine was a mere 10 days ago. The despairing thoughts that rush in as the immediate effects of alcohol are leaving gives a sinking feeling that all is in vain. But if we can ride out this defeated notion and allow ourselves to detox, a brighter image begins to unfold. Again, we all have experienced this as well. Why we relinquish this for a relapse only defines how insane addiction is. I have found that forgetting about last night and focusing on today is the way to ignore past failures and become attentive to our commitments. I have at times put too much attention on my failures, which in turn, hampered my ability to dust myself off and get back in the saddle. Our best line of defense for the addiction is a clear mind, support that comes sober friends, AA, or whatever direction you choose. Until that occurs, we are potentially in harm's way.

Just one more point that I hold important for myself in recovery...whenever I go out to a party or event where there is drinking involved, I do not drink things that look like alcoholic beverages, ie. non-alcoholic beers, colored drinks, juices in fancy glasses. IMHO, that just keeps a trigger ready to go. I drink water from a water bottle, a coke from a can, etc. I do not even want to mask what I am drinking. It affords me a degree of honesty and may be a signal to others that "I am not having alcoholic drinks, thanks, but please don't offer one to me."

Padraic

Snarf

It's always easier to turn down the first glass than to turn down the second. Or third. Or twelfth.

I'm glad you've decided to make this drinking experiment a short one. Here's hoping you can get past that 30-day mark this time. Thanks for being here, NC.

Inafishbowl

I think this is really well put. This is my first real attempt at quitting drinking and the fear I have of relapse is overwhelming. I appreciate you sharing this with me today. We are all vulnerable and we all need to be reminded. I'm glad your back and that you woke up and nothing horrible had happened. Brush yourself off. Those 29 days didn't disappear. You're stronger today. Try and have a beautiful sober weekend, Nobel.

NobleCause

I'm starting to recognize that one of my greatest hurdles in this process is fully letting go of the notions that I might one day learn to train my drinking habits into becoming reasonable, and that if I try hard enough to act normal, then I will be guaranteed a normal result.

Intellectually, I harbor zero ambiguity about the fact and seriousness of my alcoholism, and I've proven the point scores of times to disastrous, horrific effect. I've no rational objections whatsoever to the fact that I simply can't just have one drink without engaging the full downward trajectory every time. However, all of that thoughtful understanding seems to be at direct odds with my urge to control, my urge to assert free will, and my urge to escape. Seems more often than not, the urges trump good judgement... Tricky stuff that I need to resolve before testing myself again.

Day 5 now, and I'm more apprehensive about the fragility of my sobriety than I've ever been. I think this might be a good thing tho. Confidence has had a way of betraying me.