New Beginnings

Old 02-24-2011, 02:41 PM
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New Beginnings

I've decided to start blogging about my journey in order to get me through this new path my life is taking. Since everyone of you here can probably relate, I wanted to copy my first post here.

It's long, but I needed to get a lot of this out.

------------------------------

A few years ago I remembered telling my husband, “I pray for the day when I actually have enough strength to leave you.” I said this one morning to him after he had a particularly rough relapse and was apologizing for his actions from the night before.

As my husband pleaded forgiveness, he talked about how this time, “THIS TIME!” things would be different. Things were going to change. He was going to be a better man, a better husband. It was the same apology I’d heard hundreds of times before. The same hope of this new better life we’d have. The same damned diatribe. The words “I’m sorry” lost their meaning a long time ago.

So when I told him I prayed to find the strength to leave him, it wasn’t meant to be mean or to hurt him, it came from the depths of my heart. It was a plea for him to just let me out of this hell I was living in because I was too weak to release myself.

This man that I married, this man that I love, can be a monster. Alcohol, the love of his life, turns the kindest person I know into a gigantic ball of hate aimed directly at me, the source of every problem that he has ever faced. It’s a very real Jekyll/Hyde situation.

This man that I married, he lies to me constantly. He lies to me effortlessly. I can see straight through the lies almost every time. I watch him lie to my face and then I do nothing about it. If he’s drunk and I confront him in a lie, well I’ll invoke that monster I talked about. I don’t like it when the monster comes out to play.

I‘ve learned to edit myself around him. I learned how to spot his moods by the way he carried himself. I changed my life so as not to upset his. I learned ignore my feelings and just push them away because facing reality was too scary. I grew smaller and smaller until I nearly disappeared.

This man that I married is sick. He has a disease. He honestly doesn’t want to do the things he does. He has no choice. He is powerless to Alcohol’s control.

I used to think if I loved him enough I could change him. I learned that no amount of love has the power to change someone. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I spent my time trying to support my husband in any and every way possible, and his response was to tell me that I didn’t love him enough.

And then I lost more of myself and got even smaller. I started sinking.

And then I got help.

I started learning about setting boundaries, the problem for me was sticking to them. I struggled with this a lot. I set boundaries only to watch my husband walk right over them. It turns out that practice makes perfect with this I suppose. I set a big boundary, no drinking anymore period or he moves out. This wasn’t about trying to control his habits, it was that I truly could not take it anymore and it was now his choice, drink or stay.

I guess God does answer prayers, because he drank and I asked him to move out. I found the strength to leave him and with him gone from my house, I feel like I am finally starting to heal. This has not been easy, in fact it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But for now, he’s out of the house but not out of my life. I am taking it one day at a time and finding myself again.
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Old 02-24-2011, 03:40 PM
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Welcome! My second alcoholic husband was from Appleton originally. I think he's somewhere on the West Coast now, still drinking himself to death, sadly.

I'm glad you got the strength to leave and are appreciating your peace and freedom.
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Old 02-24-2011, 05:42 PM
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You are very brave and you deserve happiness and serenity. You WILL find it. The journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step. Just keep looking forward.

We are here to support you. Welcome to SR.
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:11 PM
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Glad to see you.

Hi szn.

I am glad you are here. I am glad you found your courage and even more glad you are talking to us.

I look forward to following your blog!!

Posting here helps ease some of the hard times...knowing many other people are on your side.

We are on your side and rooting wildly for you!!

8
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:00 PM
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Thank you so much for sharing that. I identify with so much of it. Not really the jekyl and hyde bit (my AH never changed when he drank. This contributed more to the the feelings of I was the one that must be mad or blowing things out of proportion)
But your feelings of desperation and defeat resonated so deeply with me, I understand how you feel right now. I am so glad that you have started to take your life back!!!
welcome and
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Old 02-25-2011, 05:54 AM
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Thanks everyone for the encouraging responses. I'm still trying to figure out who I am now that there isn't this cloud of negativity hovering around me constantly. Last night was a good night for me. Let's hope it continues on to be a great day. For some reason mornings always seem to be the hardest for me, so I'm really feeling the loss this morning.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:04 AM
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Of course you're going to have difficult periods...this is a difficult time. It will get better...it will. (((Hugs)))
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:14 AM
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Thank you for this
I spent my time trying to support my husband in any and every way possible, and his response was to tell me that I didn’t love him enough.
and welcome!
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:18 AM
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Just wrote a new post. Don't know if I should (or can) just post the url, or if there's even a point. I am just writing this stuff for me and it's been really helping me process my feelings.

So here's my 2nd blog entry.

________________________________

I took a big step towards healing today and I feel like I am slowly starting to see myself appear again. It's not the old me, it can never be the old me because that girl is dead. Though there are parts of her that have emerged and now they stronger and hungrier than before. I have felt so weak and so powerless over my own life for so long, that now when I view just a glimpse of a this possible happy new life I could have, it makes me feel powerful. And feeling powerful, whoa mama, does that feel good! I am in charge of my own life! Such a simple concept. Really the simplest of them all. I'll repeat it, I am in charge of my own life! Mind blown.

How did I allow myself to go so far in the wrong direction? How did I give up control of my own life for so long? I am feeling strong today and it is such a weird foreign feeling. I don't know what to do with it. All it does is make me cry. How sad is it that actually feeling strong is what is breaking me down today? This strength TERRIFIES me!

I think that I am finally hitting the crossroad that I knew one day would come. The one where I knew I'd have to make a very tough decision. I have lived in denial for years. I have looked for every ounce of good in my husband because I thought he could be fixed. I thought he was special, misunderstood, tortured and he was so good at painting himself in that light. This poor tortured soul who can't control himself. I was a puppet and he pulled the strings. Anything that went wrong in his life, my fault. If he wasn't blaming me he was making me feel guilty because I was actually struggling under the weight of it all or not giving him enough "credit" for having been sober for a week. There's just only so much I can take.

So yes today I feel strong and it terrifies me. What if I lose my strength? I haven't seen my husband since he's left. We've only exchanged very brief texts since he's been gone. I'm afraid that all of my newfound strength will be thrown out the window if I see him face to face because he really does have this power over me.
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:24 AM
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Welcome to SR.
You're a very strong person and I'm happy to read about recoveries. Even when they get tough.
I'm not sure if you know this yet but this site has a specific place for people to blog. Once you post a blog, a numbered link will appear under your username to the left. People can click on that link and be taken directly to your blog section.
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:28 AM
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Thanks for the tip Shellcrusher! That seems like that will be a lot easier.
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Old 02-25-2011, 10:30 AM
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You're welcome. Maybe one of these days I'll pony up and start writing a blog of my own. You may have helped me turn the corner.
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