DONE holding his hand!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
DONE holding his hand!!
I am a great enabler with my 20 yr old AS... I have gone to alanon and improved on some of my great enabling skills, but I am still holding onto some. I have to STOP holding his hand... reminding him of his mental health appt, helping him make his vocational rehab appts, seeing a job and being so kind (ha ha yeah right) to fax his resume, remiding him where he is on his court ordered community service hours.. I could go on and on....
He does not look for a job... today has an appt with a job coach, but he didnt want to ride the bus that far.. ARGH!!! That kid!!! I told him I am done.. I love him, but he needs to figure his SH*T out on his own. I am done beating a dead horse.
BUT it's so hard, he is such a great kid with so much potential.
One hour at a time for me today!!!
He does not look for a job... today has an appt with a job coach, but he didnt want to ride the bus that far.. ARGH!!! That kid!!! I told him I am done.. I love him, but he needs to figure his SH*T out on his own. I am done beating a dead horse.
BUT it's so hard, he is such a great kid with so much potential.
One hour at a time for me today!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
enodm,
My struggles w/my RAS sound so much like your own and I'd been "helping" him along since high school age, he's now 30. He also is a very bright, kind, loving, compassionate, funny, amazing person . . . it is hard to stop because there is sooo much potential there. He lives in a 1/2 way house w/2 other men, his actual roommate has gone back to drinking (his DOC) and there is no oversight by the recovery house that they pay rent to. He still has warrants for his arrest. He had a job for about a week, but due to lack of work they let him go. It is his life to live, I wish him only greatness and success, but I can't force him into it - I've tried, believe me. He is no longer a toddler that I can lead around to appts. by the hand. If I had kept trying to take care of him, any steps he has made (like getting the job) wouldn't mean anything because it wouldn't be his accomplishment.
Hope that helps.
Just wanted to let you know I hear ya and your not alone.
My struggles w/my RAS sound so much like your own and I'd been "helping" him along since high school age, he's now 30. He also is a very bright, kind, loving, compassionate, funny, amazing person . . . it is hard to stop because there is sooo much potential there. He lives in a 1/2 way house w/2 other men, his actual roommate has gone back to drinking (his DOC) and there is no oversight by the recovery house that they pay rent to. He still has warrants for his arrest. He had a job for about a week, but due to lack of work they let him go. It is his life to live, I wish him only greatness and success, but I can't force him into it - I've tried, believe me. He is no longer a toddler that I can lead around to appts. by the hand. If I had kept trying to take care of him, any steps he has made (like getting the job) wouldn't mean anything because it wouldn't be his accomplishment.
Hope that helps.
Just wanted to let you know I hear ya and your not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
I am trying to let go... I printed up all of the phone numbers he needs (therapist, pharmacy, voc rehab etc) and told him I could no longer hold his hand. Gave him the numbers and said he needs to figure it out on his own.. it was time. I said I was not mad at him and loved him very much but I would not do it for him anylonger.... We will see I hope he does suprise me!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Today is a good day. I could relate to your post so much and I wish that I had had the wisdom and strength to do what you are doing (the letting go part of what you are doing) when my son was only 20. Allowing him to own his own failures and successes will be his best chance of reaching that great potential.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
kindeyes~I sure hope it helps, but it is so hard to follow through with! I would not call what I am doing stregnth or wisdom.. I would call it burnt out of him doing nothing to help himself and me trying to make him do it...
BUT thank you!!!
BUT thank you!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
The wisdom and stregnth I think Kindeyes is referring to is stopping the fight with the addiction..you are tired for good reason..you are trying to beat something that isn't yours to beat. I have several older members in my alanon group who are fully supporting their children who range from late thirties to 50's..it is a wonderful reminder of what happens when you DON"'T surrender...giving him the opportunity to feel the full consequences of his addiction is a wonderful gift..
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
enodm,
Your post has helped me today a lot. I saw something in myself as I read it. My son is almost 17, he is not an addict, he is a good kid & stays outta trouble. But I do find myself doing too much for him now that he is getting older. All of what you said about reminding him of stuff, laundry, cleaning his room, reminding him about getting his first job....ect. I have to watch out now that I have recognized this behavior I have with him, cause I can see myself trying to control him when he gets older. It is so easy to fall into *codieland* but that will not help my son be who he is going to be on his own. Maybe I thought being co-dependent just meant the way I acted with the 2 addicts in my life, guess not. I diddnt mean to make this about me, but I do want to thank you for sharing, I learned something today. Its ok to take it one hour at a time, sometimes I take it one minute at a time. Keep strong!
Your post has helped me today a lot. I saw something in myself as I read it. My son is almost 17, he is not an addict, he is a good kid & stays outta trouble. But I do find myself doing too much for him now that he is getting older. All of what you said about reminding him of stuff, laundry, cleaning his room, reminding him about getting his first job....ect. I have to watch out now that I have recognized this behavior I have with him, cause I can see myself trying to control him when he gets older. It is so easy to fall into *codieland* but that will not help my son be who he is going to be on his own. Maybe I thought being co-dependent just meant the way I acted with the 2 addicts in my life, guess not. I diddnt mean to make this about me, but I do want to thank you for sharing, I learned something today. Its ok to take it one hour at a time, sometimes I take it one minute at a time. Keep strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
MissTara, It's so easy to want to help our kids or do for them whether there addicts or not! I also have a 12 year old that I have become pretty "you do it" with.. Poor her, but I have learned how "helping" them can actually cripple them!! Thank you for your post, you saying that actually put's me in check in DOING SO MUCH FOR EVERYONE ha ha
xoxo
xoxo
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Enodm))) - it sounds like YOU have hit your bottom. I was a codie for decades, developed my own addiction, and I hate to say it, but it took me almost 30 years to hit my bottom on the codie stuff.
I can tell you this...I found recovery from my crack addiction, in large part, because the consequences just kept getting worse and worse. No one was there to get me out of it (though dad did bail me out of jail once...not the other times).
Because I was allowed to fall on my face and figure out how to get back out of the deep whole I had dug myself into, I feel good that my recovery is mine. I see the detachment, not enabling things that my family did, as the greatest gift of love. I put them through hell, but since recovery, they are amazed and proud of the person I've become.
I do get financial help from my dad, but it's because #1 he is able to do it, and #2 I'm doing everything I possibly can to pay for what I can. I work 2 jobs, am back in school (on grants, thank God) and things are just tough. I do what I can to help him...help him with his business (he's an expediter), transfer money in his accounts, or pay bills while he's on the road (yes..a recovering crack addict has access to his bank accounts!!)
I would not be like this, if he had enabled me. I am WAAAAAYYYYYY older than your son (I'm 49), but for the first time, I'm reliable, dependable and have complete trust of all the people I shut out while using. Despite being broke, I'm the most responsible with my finances than I ever have been.
Think of this is a gift you're giving to your son. I know it's hard to see him struggle, but there's a good chance that allowing him to face his consequences, he may get to the point where I am.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can tell you this...I found recovery from my crack addiction, in large part, because the consequences just kept getting worse and worse. No one was there to get me out of it (though dad did bail me out of jail once...not the other times).
Because I was allowed to fall on my face and figure out how to get back out of the deep whole I had dug myself into, I feel good that my recovery is mine. I see the detachment, not enabling things that my family did, as the greatest gift of love. I put them through hell, but since recovery, they are amazed and proud of the person I've become.
I do get financial help from my dad, but it's because #1 he is able to do it, and #2 I'm doing everything I possibly can to pay for what I can. I work 2 jobs, am back in school (on grants, thank God) and things are just tough. I do what I can to help him...help him with his business (he's an expediter), transfer money in his accounts, or pay bills while he's on the road (yes..a recovering crack addict has access to his bank accounts!!)
I would not be like this, if he had enabled me. I am WAAAAAYYYYYY older than your son (I'm 49), but for the first time, I'm reliable, dependable and have complete trust of all the people I shut out while using. Despite being broke, I'm the most responsible with my finances than I ever have been.
Think of this is a gift you're giving to your son. I know it's hard to see him struggle, but there's a good chance that allowing him to face his consequences, he may get to the point where I am.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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