LookUp

Hi everyone.

Not sure if anyone remembers my story. In a nutshell: my sister is an addict who threatened my children. I have a restraining order against her that's valid until 12/15/11. She's not allowed to contact me at all.

I've been getting calls from my dad's house lately (where she lives) with no voicemail messages. My dad always leaves a message; he knows that I don't answer calls from his house since she lives there.

Today, his number came up on the caller id at work. I didn't answer. She left a voicemail saying that she knows she's not supposed to contact me, but it's really, really, really important that I call her. She called back about 45 minutes, she left another message crying asking me to please call her.

There is a part of me that is worried that there's something going on with my dad, but I would think she would say that in the message since she knows I would call her back if that's it. The fact that she won't tell me what she needs leads me to believe that it's the same old BS that I used to hear. And the crying sounds like the same old manipulation. But I'm still struggling with whether to call or not.

I have tried a few Alanon meetings and I found one that I like, so I'm going to my third meeting with that group tonight. I also found out that I get some free counseling through my Employee Assistance Program, so I'm starting that in the next couple of weeks. I've been feeling a lot better, so I know it's helping. I've been struggling some with whether I need to detach from my dad, though. I feel guilty for wanting to, but I think I need that distance if my life is going to be peaceful. And, I have enough to worry about since my 6 year old was recently diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and has started Occupational Therapy. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. It's obvious by how quickly I became anxious and distracted from work when I heard that message.

I guess I'm just asking for someone to tell me that if it were really an emergency, someone else would call me and let me know.

hello-kitty

Don't violate your restraining order against her. It will make it null and void. I agreee it sounds like manipulations - just what you'd expect from an addict. I also understand your concern about your father.

Can you call a friend or family member who might be familiar with the situation to go check on your father? Or even use one of those phone numbers from someone in your Alanon group....

Keep us posted.

MissTara

Lookup,

I know this has to be a very hard situation to go thru. I agree with hello-kitty with saying do not violate the restraining order. That would only complicate things more I believe. I hope you do find someone that can check on your Father.

I am glad you found an Alanon meeting that you like and that you have continued to go.

Keep us posted....

LookUp

Thanks for the replies.

My dad called from his cell phone and left a message for me to call him. So, when I called back she answered the phone. She started rambling about how she's been crying all week and just wants me to meet her somewhere in public so we can talk. So, my dad called so that I would call her back. I'm so pissed off at him. But at least I know that he's ok. Detaching from him is looking better and better.

I'm glad I have a meeting tonight. I need to work on not getting so worked up.

hello-kitty

You are doing great and making healthy choices for yourself based on the information that you have available to you! Don't be so hard on yourself. Detachment isn't simple or clear cut.

LookUp

Thank you. That really makes me feel better. It's hard not to feel guilty about cutting ties with my family. But I know how much happier I am when I don't have to witness the chaos.

JMFburns

LookUp,

I'm glad you found out your Dad is fine.

I imagine it is hard on your Dad and he just reached the end of his rope with your crying sister on his hands . . . he probably grasped at straws by reaching out to you . . . probably just wished someone else would deal with the heaping mess of your sister. Trying to pull you in was unfair though.

Keep up the good work of going to meetings and taking advantage of the few counseling sessions through your employee assistance plan. That's nice that they still offer it, ours used to, but now it is just referral to someone I have to pay for.

atalose

Lookup,

Always trust your gut that little voice inside of you that was telling you, she’s manipulating again, if it were something serious with your dad, she would have left a message.

May be worth a shot asking your dad to come to al-anon with you! If not that’s ok to, you’ll learn how to detach with love from both of their behaviors.

LookUp

I talked to my dad. He left me a message asking me to call his cell and promised it would be him.

He says he's at the end of his rope. He really wants her out of his house, but doesn't have the heart to kick her out. He actually asked if I would pay to have the power turned on at one of his rental houses so that she could move in. Ummm... no. I told him that she has other options. There is a Salvation Army not far from where they live.

She's been telling my dad that her son (who is 21) has been beating her up. Which I seriously doubt is true. Last month, she called my in-laws to tell them that my dad was beating her up. He said that she is all bruised up, but he's pretty sure it's from falling as she's so high most of the time that she can't walk across the room without falling. She fell in the bathroom and chipped some teeth. I assume that's why she wants me to meet her to talk, so that she can show me how bad she looks and tell me who is beating her up.

I feel bad for my dad. I asked him to go to a meeting with me, but he declined. I explained to him that I can't keep getting pulled into the drama like that. And it's not fair for them to call me at work, I have too much stuff to do already. I doubt it will change anything, but hopefully I planted a seed and maybe he will take me up on going to a meeting sometime. Or, find one on his own.

Now I just need to work up the nerve to follow through with my threat and report her for violating the restraining order if she calls me again. As much as I don't want to talk to her and think she needs consequences, I don't really want to be the one to get her into trouble.

Thanks for the comments. It's nice to be able to vent and get good advice. My husband isn't a good person to talk to about this stuff. He doesn't understand why I didn't stop all contact with my dad years ago.

Seren

((look up)) I'm sorry to hear how stressful the past day or so has been for you! Try to remember that the restraining order is there for a reason. If she violates the order and you report her, it is SHE who is getting her into trouble, not you.

Good for you for finding a meeting you like!

Hugs, HG

Chino

It's entirely possible it may save her life, since she's proving to be a danger to herself.