Akayla

I have been on xanax at a very high dosage for 15 years. I also drink rather often and have a history, albeit in the far past, of recreational drug use. I have been to detox for alcohol and pills once before, a few years ago, but relapsed quickly and I have finally decided to enter detox again to get rid of the xanax for good. I enter a detox facility on Monday for a 21 day detox only treatment (not rehab)and am quite nervous, despite the fact I've been through the process once already.

I'm not sure if I'm even posting in the right place, but if anyone has any stories or experiences they are willing to share regarding detox from any benzo would be greatly appreciated.

GodsHolyWill

Akayla - I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I think what you're going to do is great and that I'll keep you in my prayers!

Dee74

Hi Akalyla

Welcome

I have no personal experience with benzo detox but I wanted to welcome you
I'm glad you're going to detox tho - to me it seems to be the best option.

You might also want to check out our substance abuse forum as well for more stories

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Akayla

Thank you so much. I don't know why I'm so scared! My anxiety is completely out of control, which is causing me to take more of my prescription than I'm meant to. I'm concerned about making it to Monday without doing anything stupid. I just don't have a good emotional support system.

So actually, on second thought, I'm not really looking for experiences specifically for benzos or xanax, but anyone with an experience going to just detox- no rehab- and how that worked out for you.

I just can't imagine my life without this pill or alcohol, and even though I am entering detox voluntarily and have been through it once before, I am scared to bloody pieces for some reason, especially of relapsing again.

artsoul

Welcome akayla - congratulations on deciding to get clean/sober...... I'm on my third period of sobriety and it's going well! Glad you're getting help - it's way too hard for us to do this on our own.

I can't speak to detox from benzos, but i know it's scary to think about even if you've done it before. Stay positive and think about it getting better and better. There's lot of support here, so hang around!

Akayla

Artsoul~
I've already noticed folks tend to be quite friendly around here!

And yes; I've tried many times by myself, all with horrific results. Good to know that everyone is so supportive here since I unfortunately don't have too much of that in my "real" life. I wasn't even aware really of these kind of forums and how active they are; this may have helped save me the first go about.

Thanks again for the warm welcome to everyone who responded!

least

I have no experience with pills, I was a wino. I did go to detox three times for five days each, three years ago. Each time I started drinking again when I got out. But 15 months ago I knew I had to stop, wanted to stop, and finally gave it up for good.

I'm glad you're taking this step to get your life back on track and wish you the best. Welcome to the family.

Missybuns

Welcome,
Do you intend to stay clean of all substances or simply detox from the benzos?

I detoxed from benzos. It was pretty rough for a few days but I managed to not use them again. I wasn't willing to admit I was an addict at that point...in denial that using other drugs and alcohol were an ongoing symptom of addiction. I knew I was physically dependent. I stopped using benzos by simply not having any....an not getting more.

I used pot and alcohol for several more years before I used cocaine....then switched drugs yet again to meth. I never went for any real length of time with using something.

After a lengthy stint on benzos (valium) for over two years daily. I couldn't stand myself. I was petrified to detox too. I was embarrassed I'd gotten myself in such a toxic state. It took several days of tingling, mood swings and fear to detox. It was fairly maddening. I did my best to rest and eat well and drink lots of water.

I fully recovered from the detox...however, as I said before...after that detox it was only a few weeks before I drank or smoked pot.

I never went back to the benzos. Never. The horrible dope sickness for the first couple of days or so was enough for me to swear it off.

I used various other mind and mood altering substances for several more years. Eventually became physically dependent a number of more times to various drugs over the years. At some point I could not feel love anymore.

I sought help and got outpatient treatment. I have never detoxed in a controlled environment. It was difficult and I don't reccommend it) Many addicts do, however I am one who didn't. My treatment counselor introduced me to Narcotics Anonymous. NA works for me. I have been clean of all mind and mood altering drugs for over 5 years now.

I remember I went through a period that I could not imagine never using drugs or alcohol again...so when I could no longer feel love, I changed my mind about that.

Next I was scared of what life would be like. I was petrified, but willing to learn a new way to live. I learned that I was so scared because I simply did not remember or know what it was like to live clean. Fear of the unknown is what it is. Perfectly natural.

Surround yourself with others in recovery and you can learn from them how they did it.
Soon it will not be foreign.

Do you have a plan for what you are going to do to change?

Peace,
Missy

FrothyJay

Detox is brutal, regardless of what you're burning off. I think it's a unique combination of physical and emotional agony. I used to tell people that my hair hurt when I was detoxing.

That said, a supervised medical detox is not as bad-- they make it as civilized as it can be. Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but not nearly as bad as if you were doing it on your own (which you admit you can't do).

The substances you use to cope with life are going to be removed from you-- that's why you feel this way. But this is an opportunity to have the sort of life-altering experience that you can always look back on as the catalyst to a life beyond your wildest dreams.

Ghostly

Welcome Akayla! Good luck.

Akayla

Hi Missy,

Thanks for your long and thoughtful input. I will admit that I have been a recreational drug user for many years- pretty much anything, but in very rare and sporadic instances now that I'm more than a few years out of college.

I hadn't thought about this until you asked, actually. I am entering the detox only for benzos, although they are aware that I am showing warning signs of alcoholism so I'm sure my treatment will incorporate that as well. I absolutely hate benzos, and with the investment I've made to kick this habit and the fact that I failed once before, I have faith with the right support I can kick xanax.

I don't think I ever want to do any other drugs again, and I KNOW I shouldn't, but no, I don't have a plan. At all. I guess I need to think about that side of it. I kind of figured some sort of "plan" would be formulated in the discharge planning stages at the end of the detox process.

Missybuns

Akala,

I see you have been in other threads...by now you realize that without a plan to follow, in all probability, will go back to using. It may be a different drug even...however it is essential you go within to ask yourself if you are an addict. (as opposed to physically dependent)

If you believe you are an addict, please consider abstaining from any "recreational" use of any alcohol or drugs and find a program to help you learn to live with out them.

Being prescribed certain medically necessary drugs is very different from using drugs for your own self medicating reasons.

I do hope you look into educating yourself about addiction and recovery from it.

Addiction is progressive. It is fatal if it isn't arrested.

Peace,
Missy

Akayla

Yes, I've read through threads all day. I've definitely seen that detox is akin to sticking your little toe in the pool. The jumping in part comes after. I called my detox facility today after reading through a lot of this site and inquired about how they aid in facilitation of relapse prevention, and luckily they have a discharge planner on staff whose job is to coordinate your aftercare plan. Plus, the detox itself has 4 AA/NA meetings on site a day, so even while I am there I can get used to that kind of group support.

As for the whole recreational drug use, I'd like to think I've outgrown that, but I can't say I'm not scared that I would go that direction if my benzo recovery got especially bumpy.

I want to abstain, completely. I really do. I have a little bit of faith in myself, but I am starting to have more faith in the support systems available. Literally within 24 hours of going this site my whole viewpoint has changed; I thought prior I was just going to waltz out of detox perfectly fine because I'm going to a swanky place for 21 days instead of a not so swanky place for 7 days like the first time. Totally irrelevant, I see now.

Again, thanks for your input and support. Super happy I found this site. I can have my laptop at the detox facility too, so that will be good for me as well I think...

Missybuns

great! you can let us know how its going!

EmeraldRose

Welcome...congratulations....good luck!

Akayla

@emeraldrose and @missybuns (and everyone else who has contributed to this thread)...

Thanks again for the words of support and encouragement. I am counting down my hours to detox now...Monday morning, 8 am, and I get more scared by the moment. While I can't have my cell phone there due to the fact it has a camera (I can use it supervised to call family members, etc)...but the facility I am going to allows unlimited wifi access, so I will be here quite often once I am actually there. I hope it will help my fear subside-- knowing I will be able to communicate with everyone here- and also, of course, being around those in the facility.

I wasn't scared when I went to detox the first time; I am still wondering why I am so scared this time. Probably because I failed so miserably the first time and had no real support...but also, I have such an attachment to the routine of my addiction. I need to take a shower, so I have to pop a xanax. Grocery shopping, at least two, maybe three. Going to work, same thing. I wonder how I am going to do these normal, everyday things without xanax? Even just my morning routine- my breakfast is a cup of coffee and a couple pills. I can't imagine JUST a cup of coffee sans the hug of benzos..

Crap, I am frightened beyond belief. It hits me more and more each second...

artsoul

I couldn't imagine a life without my blankie (alcohol) either......It was scary as heck because I often drank while I painted (which is my living) and I felt like I'd never be creative again. I was totally wrong of course, but that's how it felt. Still, there were certain scenarios that took longer to get over than others. But if my experience is any indication, after you do something sober for the first time it gets easier....

Since you're counting down, so to speak, maybe you could go spend a few bucks on something nice for yourself to take with you to rehab........ a sachet to put under your pillow, some nail polish in a brand new color, a pretty little journal, some special shampoo....... just a couple things to give you a little boost.:ghug3

Looking forward to hearing how things go (if you're not too busy!)

Akayla

So you're artistic like me...I'm a ballet dancer and also make very hippy-esgue jewerly from found objects...but I even have to take xanax just to make it to ballet class or rehearsal. I also cannot imagine that...I fear my heart dangerously racing without the xanax in the studio; I know a lot of people don't know much about ballet, but its my passion, and it demands a lot of your body. I have no problem at ballet with xanax...but without it I fear I could have a heart attack! And if I had to give that up it would break my heart. God, I hate this drug so much. SO MUCH.

I am planning to go shopping tomorrow (with the tiny bit of money I have left after saving up for this detox) to get comforting things like you described...but I even have to be so careful about that...I actually already bought a deep hair conditioning treatment only to read the ingredients...it has alcohol as one of the very last ingredients (I even called to askif I could bring it and they said no), so I can't even take it with me! But now I know, and yes, I am a very girly-girl and find comfort in luxury grooming products, so I do plan to do that...just making sure no alcohol, at all, is in the ingredients.

I'm also a big reader, so I've filled up my Kindle.

Still though, scared as hell. or benzo detox, I've heard this place combines diludid (spelling??) and valium and anti-seizure meds to detox off benzos in decreasing doses every 4 hours, 24 hours a day. I haven't a clue what dilaudid is...does anyone know?? any experience with it?

artsoul

I think it's spelled dilaudid.... (it's a pain reliever and a narcotic I think).... Sounds like they are going to help you medically as much as possible, so that's a good thing. I forgot about the whole rehab policy with "ingredients" - I guess they have to be that way. I was just never tempted to drink a $50 bottle of perfume.

A ballet dancer - wow. I can't imagine the strength/control etc. you need to do that - wish I had even a little bit of tone these days. (boohoo) I also make jewelry (more on the bohemian side, too..... it's great therapy).

Akayla

Thats so funny that you mention perfume! I had this exact conversation today (I am addicted to Burberry Brit perfume. If I'm not wearing it, I feel like I haven't even showered):
Me: "can i bring my perfume?"
Them: "yes, but we will have to hold it at the front desk and the nurse will spritz you once a day."
Me: "I'm not going to bust open an eighty dollar glass bottle of perfume and...drink it. I promise."
Them: "No, you won't...but your roommate might."

So you make jewelry too! Awesome. I have a collection of skeleton keys that I make various necklaces out of currently. I've become obsessed with skeleton keys- I get them at junk shops, antique shops; I am just fascinated by them because I wonder what in the hell they opened way back when.

Yes, ballet is a blessing and a curse. I am toned and I love it, but my feet are the scariest thing you'll ever see in your life, and I have shin splints. I'm moving more to teaching the kids at my company since I'm reaching retirement age for a ballerina. But I can't lose it! I will not let this drug take away the one thing that makes me truly happy (aside from my cat. she's awesome!)

So I see their point, but still!