islandcat

I dont know what some of you will say but after 3 years of trying to get my son off drugs I have decided what is best for me. I have gone through it all, overdoses, his getting beat up, stealing, lieing using and abusing his family. I got to the point where I asked him to leave, went through the tears, the heartbreak of worrying if he was dead or alive, but like others he was literally sucking the life out of me. My health was not good. After his last overdose and getting beat up we got him in rehab, 21 days, back to town, back to old friends, back to drugs. I had to detach from him but I could not totally do it. I felt guilt over this and fought with myself for months. I have come to the conclusion that what is best for me, he lives elsewhere but I can message him to tell him I love him, to see if he is okay. He understands he has to give me my space but he can call once in awhile just to tell me he is okay. So this is not really detaching right? But it works for me. I just cannot totally detach as it says in Alanon or Naranon. As far as enabling, I drop food packages off once a month or so on his doorstep, if I ever do see him, he lives 10 minutes away so running into him is not impossible, then if I have a $10 or $20 on me I give it to him. That is it, thats our relationship and I can sleep better at night knowing he is still alive. He is on oxys and heroin, he is half the size he was and looks terrible and not seeing him is fine with me. I am a firm believer in you have to do what feels right to you, not what someone else tells you, it may work for this chapter of addiction, who knows what is needed for the next one. I may have to change my way of thinking but this is working for now. Hugs to all going through this dark tunnel.

justjo

When it comes to our children, I find it the hardest thing to deal with. I think it is just mum's natural way of wanting to know our children are still there with us somehow. Hugs to you at this bad time we are going through.
JJ

chicory

island cat-

I am sorry for your sad situation. I have not become strong enough to throw my son out yet. But I do not think that you have to stop talking to him or telling him that you love him, to be detached..

I know that they tell me i will get there when i get there.

sending hugs, and wishes and prayers that your son gets recovery and soon. I think that it is scary to give them money, for they can buy drugs, but I understand that you want him to not be hungry. Food offerings might be the safer idea. People dont understand unless they have been there, with a child addicted. not totally, anyway.

stay strong,
chicory

The Other Side

I feel terrible for the moms of addicts. I've said before I love my son more then anything and if he started to use it would be more painful to me then any man putting me through the ringer! I would find it far harder to let go - I'm very sorry for what you are going through but it sounds like you've found a level of detachments and boundaries that have allowed you to find serenity and peace - I think that's what is most important! Hugs

tjp613

islandcat - my relationship with my AS sounds very similar to yours. I think we're both doing just fine balancing detachment and a need to keep communications open. (((Mom Hugs))))

greeteachday

I am too...I think you have found the balance you need for now and that is something we all seek. Prayers that he finds his way and you find peace.

Sunshine2

I think you are doing well. I won't give my son any money but I am thinking keeping some loving contact is better than not seeing them at all.

litehorse

islandcat - i completely agree with you - i've struggled so with the enabling thing - a child on drugs is such an unnatural situation - we all have to find our way through in the best way we can - sounds like you have found something that works for you for now - i pray for you and your son as i do for all of us here and around this world who are dealing with this terrible situation - blessings

sojourner

Islandcat: I'm glad you have found SR but I am sorry that you are struggling with your AS and his addiction.

I believe that you have misinterpreted just what detaching is. Detachment is not about totally breaking off relationship with your addicted loved one. Some of us family/friends can continue to see our loved one a little, a lot, and even have them live with us or very near to us.

Detachment can be defined as: Not enabling your son in his addiction and then detaching from his response to you. An example would be refusing to give your son $20 when he asks telling him that you know that he will probably use that money to buy drugs, and then detaching from the inevitable anger that he will demonstrate.

Giving your son money, food, etc. is enabling. Money is the bloodline of addiction. And seeing our loved one's physical condition or talking to them, hearing them tell us how hard their lives are, can be triggering events for us and keep us very anxious. So we give them some food or a gas card to assuage our fears. But now we have just made them comfortable for the moment (and addicts only live in the moment or in the next few hours), and the addict's Higher Power has lost the opportunity to use pain as a motivator for change.

Hope that helps. If not, take what you need and leave the rest.

MsPINKAcres

((Island Cat))

First I would like to take a moment to tell you How Brave and Strong I believe you are -

It's not easy being a parent to an alcoholic/addict ~

It's especially hard to balance out recovery, boundaries, detachment and healthy compassion - from my understanding of recovery for us parents - that is what you are doing ~

We all have to do what we have a peace about ~ what works for us - what we can live with - Just for today -

tomorrow those boundaries, limitations and ideas may change - each of us have a right to change those as we grow and our situations change.

Prayers for your HP's best for you & your son!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

JMFburns

island cat,

Just another Mom chiming in to say "do what feels comfortable to you." And as others have said, what you do or don't do may change over time - that's ok too.

Even the occasional $10 or $20 isn't enough to make you feel bad about it. If he is in active addiction he's spending much more than that and getting it from somewhere - not your problem to deal with - that's his.

Thanks for the post.

outtolunch

Boy oh boy, do I get this.

My daughter too lived in close proximity and it once made me feel better to maintain the connection that sometimes only money can proivde.

It took me time to accept that every time I gave my daughter money, no matter how good it made me feel to maintain some semblance of a connection, it was going to pay for her next dose because absolutely nothing else mattered to her, at the time.

I stopped because I could not handle being an active participant in her addiction.

I am grateful for whatever unknown forces eventually combined to compel my daughter to make her own life matter more than her addiction.

Seren

To me, detachment isn't always cutting someone off completely. Mr. HG still exchanges e-mails with his AS as long as his AS is being civil.

We simply don't provide money, shelter, food, clothing, cell phone, etc. to a man who at 29 is perfectly capable of working and providing these things for himself.

You are very correct when you say that you need to do what feels right to you. I'm sorry that you felt you had to defend yourself to the members here.

Hugs, HG

keepinon

I was rarely out of complete contact with my daughter..I wanted her to know I loved her and cared about her,I did however, stop giving money and food (besides taking her out for the occasional lunch) because I didn't want to contribute ANYTHING that kept her out there one more day. I would drop off cards sometimes at places she crashed..things like that.
Detaching doesn't mean cutting off..for me it was letting her wallow in her choice of lifestyle so she could really feel what it was like, not ignoring her or not talking to her...

islandcat

Thank you for your kind and supportative responses. I am still learning and living each day at a time. I understand what you are all saying and I feel much better knowing that detaching does not mean what I thought it did. If I should pass him $10 or more I know he could well use it for oxy or heroin, but I also know it costs him a lot more to feed his addiction, I like to think he may have bought himself a meal. If thats what it takes for me to have a day of peace well so be it, even if he could go so far as to sell the food I leave on his doorstep well it is out of my power. As long as he is headed down the road to nowhere, he will know in his last breath of life that I loved and cared for him in whatever small way. Words I have found are pretty much useless to the addict. Hugs to you all

Babyblue

Your post hit me for some reason. I am a mom but my son is not an addict. If he became one, I honestly don't know how I'd react. You didn't either.

There are no play books for this type of pain; ideas, suggestions, trends etc yes but no rule book exists. It is what makes addiction such a challenge.

Every addict is different, every family is different. Similar behaviors, yup, Similar habits, sure. But no one can (or should) tell you how to cope with your feelings for your child. It won't lessen the pain, only you know what will.

Do what you feel is in your heart and what brings you comfort as a mother. A meal or two here and there isn't going to mean he will never seek recovery, so don't beat yourself up.

It is hard enough to deal with what you are going through. To feel you have to live up to some interpretation of detachment is an added burden. It ends up causing you more pain, not less. Some mothers can detach and need to, others cannot, some do as you do.

It doesn't predict outcome for the addict either way. It just means that is what that particular parent needed to do. As far as I can read, you are doing just fine mom.

I wish you and your son the best.

sojourner

Hello Islandcat: I'm glad to see you posted again. When I first read your post, I was saddened that you thought detachment was total alienation from your beloved addict. I see many people misinterpret detachment to mean "kicking them out to the street and don't come around until you get it together." We all have to struggle with what detachment really means.

So I'm glad you did not find my post to be unduly harsh. As far as the money thing, while it is still enabling, it is only a little bit enabling. But if giving your son a little bit of money and a little bit of food helps your grieving mamma heart then go for it. You have your day to get through, too.

My prayer for you today is that you will come to a place where you look at your son not in defeat but in victory. A place where your attitude is that your son's HP has your son right where he is supposed to be on his journey out of addiction. If you cannot believe that right now then you can depend on your recovery community to believe it for you!

Sojourner

Hunny1116

Island, My son is a 34-year old addict and, yes, it is such a dark tunnel.

As I look back on where I've come from, I'm amazed at how much I have grown. I've been through quite a few "chapters of addiction," and I'm talking about my own.... not my son's.

I went "no contact" with my son for a few months.... not for him, but as a vehicle of self-survival. In that time, I concentrated on my own recovery from rescuing him.... meetings, readings and meditations, working the steps, talking to trusted members of my program... not necessarily in that order.. LOL!

One of the things I would suggest is getting a copy of "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Ann posts the daily meditations here often, and after reading them, I purchased a copy for myself. You can order it from Amazon.com if you don't live close to a bookstore.

It opened up a world for me where I keep the focus on myself and off my son. It has helped me so much in all areas of my life.... even my job.

Because I am stronger in my own recovery, I am able to have some contact with him now, and I am very grateful for that. You have gotten some excellent feedback here.... Sojourner's definition of detachment is the best I've read:

Detachment can be defined as: Not enabling your son in his addiction and then detaching from his response to you. An example would be refusing to give your son $20 when he asks telling him that you know that he will probably use that money to buy drugs, and then detaching from the inevitable anger that he will demonstrate.

Hugs back to you and all of us struggling with loving an addict....

with love,

Hunny

Kindeyes

islandcat
One of the things stated in Naranon is that we seek serenity "whether our loved one is using or not". We don't have control over their continued use of drugs but we do have control over our own emotional reaction to it. You have found your serenity....and that's the goal.

One of our greatest assets as human beings is our ability to adapt to change. I love your statement above. Thank you for sharing how you are dealing with your son's addiction. It is a very rough road and your experience, strength and hope may ease another mother's journey.

gentle hugs

Habit

It has been 4 weeks of NC with our AD. After 15 years of dealing with her addiction, I need to work on my own health.

Hunny, I can identify with you. Right now, it is a matter of survival for me.

God bless each one of you.

Hugs.