New to board - AH has disappeared. - Grab a tea, a novel ahead...
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
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New to board - AH has disappeared. - Grab a tea, a novel ahead...
Like many on this board, I lurked in the background for months, trying to glean as much information I could about my addict husband's issues... I'd spend days perusing through other websites for any shred of hope that I could hang on to in order to save my marriage with him, but I have finally come to the conclusion that the only thing I can actually save is myself.
Ever since Jan 2008 when I started to date my husband, there was always 'something' lurking in the background. He was diagnosed with bipolar 3 months before we met and struggled constantly with alcohol and crack problems. He was a 'casual' user of crack...(which I didn't know until 3 months into our dating)... and would disappear for a day and then show up remorseful and then try to harm himself in some way. This would happen every few months but then it all started to escalate in June of last year.
His aunt (who was like a second mother to him) died suddenly at 60. Though that has been very stressful for him (and me), the biggest thing is that she left him a significant amount of money. He ended up blowing through most of it within 2-3 months, drinking, smoking pot and going through 4-5 bouts of crack binges. He became withdrawn, beligerent and stopped working (he's in construction) when she died.
The sad thing about all this is 2 months before she passed away, she took both of us out for my birthday and she told my husband that she was leaving him $. He was FURIOUS and told her that he didn't want her money... that he wanted her to take him out of her will immediately. His aunt was upset of course and I looked at him as though he was crazy, but he KNEW what would happen if/when she passed away. After that, my husband stopped talking to his aunt until about a week before she died. He couldn't deal with her sickness and was upset about the $$....
Every few weeks since her death, he would tell me he didn't want to be married, packed his bags and then left. He had been staying at her place but has sold all of her electronics etc., to feed his habit and almost turned the apt. into a crack den. ;( Since September he's been in treatment about 5x. Once for a month then 13 days where he left because he was angry that he wasn't allowed to go home for Christmas (we want him safe and sound in treatment) and he's turned it around to feel rejected. He threw a tantrum at the recovery house and just walked out. He ended up spending the night at a homeless shelter because I told the recovery place not to give him his truck keys (I had half ownership of it). I thought that if we took away his transportation, he'd think twice about leaving... not.
I had given him a letter that his aunt had written him early last year that he never read. He had stolen from her in the past and there was great hurt caused there. However, she was his biggest supporter (and enabler) and expressed in this letter of the people in her life whom she forgave and told him she forgave him too... and that he needed to forgive himself.
It seemed it was too much for him but he took the letter and drove off.
He then came back but it spiralled ever further since January. He went into 4 other places but left either after 2 nights or that day because of some excuse. He now believes he does not have bipolar... that he was only diagnosed right after his drug binges... but his mum said that he's had 'issues' ever since he's been a child. And he even admitted when he was on his meds (lithium, lamotragrine etc). that he felt calmer... that he didn't have this urge to lie all the time... that he started to FEEL again... (sigh).
Anyway...
Finally yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I had gone away for the weekend to spend some quality time with my brother and sister in law but fretted about what my husband was doing back at home. He was there when I got in the door, but taking one look at him I knew he had been using (drink and/or drugs). He ended up taking our bose sound system and tried to sell it on the streets. He said the guy he tried to sell it to noticed my husband had a limp (he has this horrible swollen ankle that he refuses to get looked at - for almost 2 months now) and the guy took the stereo (and some other items) and took off. I didn't believe a word he said.
My husband a reason why he relapsed because I LIED to him about some keys that I had taken with me. I said I didn't know where they were (because I just didn't want to deal with him calling me all the time). A few weeks ago, when he was on a binge, he sold his iphone and a few other things... so he was calling me from a payphone during the weekend. He said he obsessively looked for these keys (keys to a harley davidson motorcycle he bought with the inheritance that I ended up taking the battery out because of his current behaviour... God, why does he deserve to ride that when he's being this way?!!). He couldn't find the keys (of course) and through his obssessive search through our apt., he found some estate documents of his aunts (will etc) that I'm looking after to file for Probate in the next few weeks.
He took these items and hid them in his truck as he knew when I got home, I'd be kicking him out (yet again) for his using. He wanted leverage so that I would be forced to make a choice to get these documents back in exchange for what HE wanted. Well, he didn't have to do that. I told him that I was going to sign over his truck to him (we had joint ownership) and that he could go do whatever he wanted with it. HOWEVER... he had to sign an Affidavit that I prepared that stated that he would not be eligible for any future beneficiary/executor monies from his aunt's estate and that all monies in my bank account were soley mine. He HAPPILY signed the document and we went and got it notorized. He then took his truck, sold it for a 1998 bmw (wtf?!?!?) and $10,000 cash. This truck was bought from the inheritance... it was beautiful 2008 Ford F150 with less than 48,000 km on it... and he just gave it up just like that... ;(
He then gave me $800 to replace the bose he took and happily drove off in his freaking waste of money car and cash in his pocket
--- He said he was on his way to rehab, but we both knew he was going to go on the biggest binge he's been on in years. I honestly don't know if he's going to survive through this.
From being in this hellish vortex with him for almost 3 years, I have finally realized that I have NO control over him (I tend to control things) and what he does. I have 'guilt' because I took what money was left from the inheritance (it's not much) and put it in my personal account so he didn't have ANY access to the cash. He was FURIOUS about this and would say it was 'HIS' money and that was going to go to a lawyer about it. This happened SEVERAL times, thus my insistence on getting an affidavit done to prevent him from doing this to me again.
I'm not going out and spending it how I want to - I'm living off it to go to school (which we agreed upon before all this crap happened) and paying bills etc., but am not taking trips or going on wild spending sprees (which he was). Plain and simple, he wants all the money gone --- spent so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it and I just can't allow that. It's not much money anymore (around $40,000) but it's enough to help US in our future.
I told him that he is not welcome at our place until he gets well (and is sober for 6 months) If he does come by, I will be calling the police.
I pray that my AH stops running away from these feelings that are surfacing which will help with the healing process. As for many addicts however, he has most likely turned to using again to quiet these inner turmoils he's facing as he can't seem to face them right now.
For today, I am not going to obsess about him... wondering if he's okay (alive...whatever). I HAVE to let go and focus on myself. I have been getting sick and started to do poorly in school. I've stopped seeing friends and stay in bed as long as I can... I don't eat properly and don't have any care for my appearance. This is NOT right... I am destroying myself by obsessing about my drug... my addicted husband.
If/when he genuinely wants help, he knows where to go. He doesn't need me to get into any treatment places... and only then when he's on the road to recovery, I will be there for him. I have in the RECENT past been there for him when he's said "I need help" ... so I help in getting him into a rehab only to have him leave with some excuse, come home and then have things fall apart. Any other action on my part now will be unacceptable and I cannot accept anything less. Otherwise, I too, will go down in the destructive path that he has chosen for himself.
I pray for him and all of your loved ones who struggle in this hellish vortex. I also pray for you to keep your heads up and hopeful for yourselves. Even if your loved one may not see the light in this lifetime, WE have the choice to let go and fix the one thing we can...
...ourselves.
God Bless all of you.
Ever since Jan 2008 when I started to date my husband, there was always 'something' lurking in the background. He was diagnosed with bipolar 3 months before we met and struggled constantly with alcohol and crack problems. He was a 'casual' user of crack...(which I didn't know until 3 months into our dating)... and would disappear for a day and then show up remorseful and then try to harm himself in some way. This would happen every few months but then it all started to escalate in June of last year.
His aunt (who was like a second mother to him) died suddenly at 60. Though that has been very stressful for him (and me), the biggest thing is that she left him a significant amount of money. He ended up blowing through most of it within 2-3 months, drinking, smoking pot and going through 4-5 bouts of crack binges. He became withdrawn, beligerent and stopped working (he's in construction) when she died.
The sad thing about all this is 2 months before she passed away, she took both of us out for my birthday and she told my husband that she was leaving him $. He was FURIOUS and told her that he didn't want her money... that he wanted her to take him out of her will immediately. His aunt was upset of course and I looked at him as though he was crazy, but he KNEW what would happen if/when she passed away. After that, my husband stopped talking to his aunt until about a week before she died. He couldn't deal with her sickness and was upset about the $$....
Every few weeks since her death, he would tell me he didn't want to be married, packed his bags and then left. He had been staying at her place but has sold all of her electronics etc., to feed his habit and almost turned the apt. into a crack den. ;( Since September he's been in treatment about 5x. Once for a month then 13 days where he left because he was angry that he wasn't allowed to go home for Christmas (we want him safe and sound in treatment) and he's turned it around to feel rejected. He threw a tantrum at the recovery house and just walked out. He ended up spending the night at a homeless shelter because I told the recovery place not to give him his truck keys (I had half ownership of it). I thought that if we took away his transportation, he'd think twice about leaving... not.
I had given him a letter that his aunt had written him early last year that he never read. He had stolen from her in the past and there was great hurt caused there. However, she was his biggest supporter (and enabler) and expressed in this letter of the people in her life whom she forgave and told him she forgave him too... and that he needed to forgive himself.
It seemed it was too much for him but he took the letter and drove off.
He then came back but it spiralled ever further since January. He went into 4 other places but left either after 2 nights or that day because of some excuse. He now believes he does not have bipolar... that he was only diagnosed right after his drug binges... but his mum said that he's had 'issues' ever since he's been a child. And he even admitted when he was on his meds (lithium, lamotragrine etc). that he felt calmer... that he didn't have this urge to lie all the time... that he started to FEEL again... (sigh).
Anyway...
Finally yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I had gone away for the weekend to spend some quality time with my brother and sister in law but fretted about what my husband was doing back at home. He was there when I got in the door, but taking one look at him I knew he had been using (drink and/or drugs). He ended up taking our bose sound system and tried to sell it on the streets. He said the guy he tried to sell it to noticed my husband had a limp (he has this horrible swollen ankle that he refuses to get looked at - for almost 2 months now) and the guy took the stereo (and some other items) and took off. I didn't believe a word he said.
My husband a reason why he relapsed because I LIED to him about some keys that I had taken with me. I said I didn't know where they were (because I just didn't want to deal with him calling me all the time). A few weeks ago, when he was on a binge, he sold his iphone and a few other things... so he was calling me from a payphone during the weekend. He said he obsessively looked for these keys (keys to a harley davidson motorcycle he bought with the inheritance that I ended up taking the battery out because of his current behaviour... God, why does he deserve to ride that when he's being this way?!!). He couldn't find the keys (of course) and through his obssessive search through our apt., he found some estate documents of his aunts (will etc) that I'm looking after to file for Probate in the next few weeks.
He took these items and hid them in his truck as he knew when I got home, I'd be kicking him out (yet again) for his using. He wanted leverage so that I would be forced to make a choice to get these documents back in exchange for what HE wanted. Well, he didn't have to do that. I told him that I was going to sign over his truck to him (we had joint ownership) and that he could go do whatever he wanted with it. HOWEVER... he had to sign an Affidavit that I prepared that stated that he would not be eligible for any future beneficiary/executor monies from his aunt's estate and that all monies in my bank account were soley mine. He HAPPILY signed the document and we went and got it notorized. He then took his truck, sold it for a 1998 bmw (wtf?!?!?) and $10,000 cash. This truck was bought from the inheritance... it was beautiful 2008 Ford F150 with less than 48,000 km on it... and he just gave it up just like that... ;(
He then gave me $800 to replace the bose he took and happily drove off in his freaking waste of money car and cash in his pocket
--- He said he was on his way to rehab, but we both knew he was going to go on the biggest binge he's been on in years. I honestly don't know if he's going to survive through this.From being in this hellish vortex with him for almost 3 years, I have finally realized that I have NO control over him (I tend to control things) and what he does. I have 'guilt' because I took what money was left from the inheritance (it's not much) and put it in my personal account so he didn't have ANY access to the cash. He was FURIOUS about this and would say it was 'HIS' money and that was going to go to a lawyer about it. This happened SEVERAL times, thus my insistence on getting an affidavit done to prevent him from doing this to me again.
I'm not going out and spending it how I want to - I'm living off it to go to school (which we agreed upon before all this crap happened) and paying bills etc., but am not taking trips or going on wild spending sprees (which he was). Plain and simple, he wants all the money gone --- spent so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it and I just can't allow that. It's not much money anymore (around $40,000) but it's enough to help US in our future.
I told him that he is not welcome at our place until he gets well (and is sober for 6 months) If he does come by, I will be calling the police.
I pray that my AH stops running away from these feelings that are surfacing which will help with the healing process. As for many addicts however, he has most likely turned to using again to quiet these inner turmoils he's facing as he can't seem to face them right now.
For today, I am not going to obsess about him... wondering if he's okay (alive...whatever). I HAVE to let go and focus on myself. I have been getting sick and started to do poorly in school. I've stopped seeing friends and stay in bed as long as I can... I don't eat properly and don't have any care for my appearance. This is NOT right... I am destroying myself by obsessing about my drug... my addicted husband.
If/when he genuinely wants help, he knows where to go. He doesn't need me to get into any treatment places... and only then when he's on the road to recovery, I will be there for him. I have in the RECENT past been there for him when he's said "I need help" ... so I help in getting him into a rehab only to have him leave with some excuse, come home and then have things fall apart. Any other action on my part now will be unacceptable and I cannot accept anything less. Otherwise, I too, will go down in the destructive path that he has chosen for himself.
I pray for him and all of your loved ones who struggle in this hellish vortex. I also pray for you to keep your heads up and hopeful for yourselves. Even if your loved one may not see the light in this lifetime, WE have the choice to let go and fix the one thing we can...
...ourselves.
God Bless all of you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you came out of the shadows to join us.
I'm so sorry for all you are going through and will keep you both in my prayers.
Stick around, you will find lots of support here from people who understand what you are going through.
Hugs
I'm so sorry for all you are going through and will keep you both in my prayers.
Stick around, you will find lots of support here from people who understand what you are going through.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome, I hope you can take the time while he is working on himself to continue to seek the support to help you to deal with the impact addiction has had on your life. I see you said you have a tendency to control...it's a common character trait in many of us, and one reason why addiction takes its toll on us. Keep reading and posting, and if you can try a few Alanon or Naranon meetings for that face to face support.
and then a nice pair of shoes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
Wow- My husband and I were just discussing what we should do about our wills earlier today. We have 2 kids who will split our estate as things currently stand. However, we are thinking of changing our wills because our daughter is an addict. Your post has given me some clarity on this. She should not be a beneficiary unless she has pulled herself together and even then it might put her at risk for relapse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
You have certainly been through a lot. It sounds like you finally hit your own bottom and are ready to heal. I'm in the same place, although still not 100% yet.
Sounds like your AH will have to hit his rock bottom before anything changes. So sad. I have a dear friend that was addicted to crack...it is horrendous. She had to lose everything, and also face felony charges which finally woke her up. She still struggles with the consequences of her choices, basically will be digging out of her hole for years to come. It hurts to see her going through this, but I am so proud that she has thus far stayed clean through it - I think she is going on 3 years clean now. All this to say there is hope for your AH. But like you have determined, it's up to him.
****{HUGS}}}
Sounds like your AH will have to hit his rock bottom before anything changes. So sad. I have a dear friend that was addicted to crack...it is horrendous. She had to lose everything, and also face felony charges which finally woke her up. She still struggles with the consequences of her choices, basically will be digging out of her hole for years to come. It hurts to see her going through this, but I am so proud that she has thus far stayed clean through it - I think she is going on 3 years clean now. All this to say there is hope for your AH. But like you have determined, it's up to him.
****{HUGS}}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Thanks to all of you for reading my story and providing such encouragement. It IS a good thing to be on these types of support networks to gain strength and the desire to be happy within our own lives regardless of what our addicted loved ones decide to do (THEIR CHOICE).
Not saying however, that it hasn't taken a mental and physical toll on me. I think I could sleep for a few months and be fine with that... just to rejuvinate my soul. However, since that's out of the question, meetings, online support, going out with friends and just putting one step in front of the other will be the order of the day.
If I stop to think of all what has transpired over the past year, it is nothing short of a horrible nightmare, but I'm 'still here' as are all of you and I'm proud of that accomplishment (as should you too!). EJG123, I think it would be a very smart move on your husband and your part to put the money you were going to leave to your daughter in a TRUST fund... that she could only gain access to this money IF and WHEN she is sober. This is what I wished my husband's auntie would have done, but I honestly think she thought she was going to beat this cancer. Unfort., that wasn't the case.
Thanks everyone again. I'm going to read all your personal stories and hope you all hav a wonderful day tomorrow (Ann, Greeteachday, lc1972, EJG123 and angelstory)!
Not saying however, that it hasn't taken a mental and physical toll on me. I think I could sleep for a few months and be fine with that... just to rejuvinate my soul. However, since that's out of the question, meetings, online support, going out with friends and just putting one step in front of the other will be the order of the day.
If I stop to think of all what has transpired over the past year, it is nothing short of a horrible nightmare, but I'm 'still here' as are all of you and I'm proud of that accomplishment (as should you too!). EJG123, I think it would be a very smart move on your husband and your part to put the money you were going to leave to your daughter in a TRUST fund... that she could only gain access to this money IF and WHEN she is sober. This is what I wished my husband's auntie would have done, but I honestly think she thought she was going to beat this cancer.
Unfort., that wasn't the case.Thanks everyone again. I'm going to read all your personal stories and hope you all hav a wonderful day tomorrow (Ann, Greeteachday, lc1972, EJG123 and angelstory)!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
I agree that a trust is a good option as compared to total disinheritance. You just need to be sure that you have a trustworthy trustee who will comply with the terms. You should also make it a spendthrift trust, so the 'res' is out of the reach of creditors.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
I think a trust might be an option but the conditional release of funds is controlling if you ask me. The "if and when she is sober" condition means that there'll have to be criteria and someone will have to be in charge of it which is a lot to ask of someone or a lot to pay someone to do. AD is capable of a lot to prove she is sober like switching to synthetic drugs not commonly tested. I tend to feel that if she has not shown me that her life is pulled together before her father and I die, then she should just be out of luck. I doubt there'll be a fortune left anyway.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme 
Finally yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I had gone away for the weekend to spend some quality time with my brother and sister in law but fretted about what my husband was doing back at home. He was there when I got in the door, but taking one look at him I knew he had been using (drink and/or drugs). He ended up taking our bose sound system and ........
Have you considered changing your locks to prevent him from showing up and stealing from you, again?
My husband a reason why he relapsed because I LIED to him about some keys that I had taken with me.
He's using because that's what addicts do. You, your actions or inactions, have no influence on his recovery. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
I am destroying myself by obsessing about my drug... my addicted husband.
Many of us become addicted to the drama/chaos of addiction, too.
I pray for him and all of your loved ones who struggle in this hellish vortex. I also pray for you to keep your heads up and hopeful for yourselves. Even if your loved one may not see the light in this lifetime, WE have the choice to let go and fix the one thing we can... ...ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
I am so sorry for your situation. I will be praying for you and your family.
Several years ago, my husband and I met with our attorney. We made him aware that our daughter is an addict. We are leaving our assets to our children and grandchildren. We are leaving our son's inheritance to him. But, we are leaving our AD's inheritance in a Trust. We have designated a bank to handle her inheritance.
Several years ago, my husband and I met with our attorney. We made him aware that our daughter is an addict. We are leaving our assets to our children and grandchildren. We are leaving our son's inheritance to him. But, we are leaving our AD's inheritance in a Trust. We have designated a bank to handle her inheritance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad that you have come out from the shadows to join us. Sharing your journey can help others.
I have thought long and hard about our will and what to do about any inheritance (if anything is left!). My conclusion.....I will have no more control over my son after I die than I do while alive. He will get what he will get and he will either choose to "drug it up or he won't. Leaving him nothing leaves a message of "I don't love you" and leaving it in a trust leaves a message of "I don't trust you". Neither message is the one I would want to leave him with. What will be will be--it will be between him and his HP.
Your story is thought provoking.
I'm glad you're here although sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. I feel that all of us have something to share that can bring comfort to others.
gentle hugs
I have thought long and hard about our will and what to do about any inheritance (if anything is left!). My conclusion.....I will have no more control over my son after I die than I do while alive. He will get what he will get and he will either choose to "drug it up or he won't. Leaving him nothing leaves a message of "I don't love you" and leaving it in a trust leaves a message of "I don't trust you". Neither message is the one I would want to leave him with. What will be will be--it will be between him and his HP.
Your story is thought provoking.
I'm glad you're here although sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. I feel that all of us have something to share that can bring comfort to others.
gentle hugs
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