New ah - seriously?
Time spent wasted is wasted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 23
New ah - seriously?
Well here I am visiting SR after many years! I got rid of the last addict in 2005 and met a great guy, owns a business, hard worker - great guy - all my friends and family fell in love with him. I was pretty damaged from the ex so took it really slow we dated for months before I let him meet my son and longer before he could 'stay over'. Anyways 4 years later in 2009 we got married. We bought a big house together and I sold the place I owned in 2010. Well he is using drugs. I knew it! Something weird was going on I had to cover mortgage, bills, food the past 4 months, he was 'waiting for his customers to pay' I over-extended myself and borrowed to my max credit to cover things..... He has been getting massive headaches and sitting in the bath for 4-5 hours a night, I'm finding porn EVERYWHERE I confronted him a few times but he denied it - last night 3am in the bath I did some snooping and naggin and he came clean.... He has been using the past few months - he hired a guy to work with him who was a user and started doing it with him then he'd sit in the bath and do it all night. Things have been rocky the past few months and I've completely detached from him anyways so I'm not at the surprised crying, why me stage I'm at the resentful ripped apart my life how dare you get out stage. I've been here TWICE with other guys I dont have space for forgiveness. Problem is I'm like 16k in debt (he owes me) and I can't afford the mortgage on this house alone! He right took me for a ride! I sold my house that I owed next to nothing on and got stuck in a huge mortgage with 30 years to go at 1800 a month plus plus plus. Man Im miff'd. He is begging (quack) I'll make it up (quack) I'll pay you back (quack) man I've been here heard this crap nothing changed and I never saw a dime! This guy was different he really was and he isn't who he was when I married him! I hate drugs!
Time spent wasted is wasted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 23
Maybe should mention from day one I was perfectly clear with him if he ever used drugs it was over period - I meant it - i made him leave in his pjs at 3 am - now worried about what to do i will need to sell the car and house because I can't afford them on my own and I'm scared to death that I'm looking at a default on my mortgage that is due on Tuesday! Man I was so independent in my little house less than 10 years left on the mortgage and a payment I could manage I'm pretty upset I put myself out there for him but almost 5 years of bliss, world travels and love I didn't see it coming!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
The Other Side: Glad you knew where to go (here) when you needed to do some venting. But I am sorry that you even need to be here at all.
They'll be people along with words of wisdom and encouragement for you. I myself have taken the chicken way out and have not married (or hardly dated) since being divorced from the addict. I barely made it out financially, and the emotional damage was too much for me to risk it again with little kids to raise. So I don't have a lot that I can say that would help you, but like I said earlier other people will come along who have been in your boat.
They'll be people along with words of wisdom and encouragement for you. I myself have taken the chicken way out and have not married (or hardly dated) since being divorced from the addict. I barely made it out financially, and the emotional damage was too much for me to risk it again with little kids to raise. So I don't have a lot that I can say that would help you, but like I said earlier other people will come along who have been in your boat.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hey my Friend!
It has been sometime, glad to hear from you but so sorry as to why! I hope that you would just take a step back and grab your breath. Have you told him to get his butt there and give you money by Tues or is that right out of the question...? Is his business still running? You are more than likely so filled with emotions right now, mind jumping here and there, makes it so hard to think clearly. If it is of any help, when my husband left, I was left with $38k overdraft he had maxed out from his business, my name was on the account, plus the mortgage, two boys to feed ect. ect...I had to truthfully tell the bank just what was going on, but they did help me out by letting me just make some interest payments and keep them up to date on what was going on.
In the end with the divorce the judge awarded me the home, I sold and bailed myself out
I feel for you and remember just how just how deep, dark and scarey those days were. I know you are a very strong woman, though things seem so far out of reach right now, you have to believe where there is will there is a way.
Rose
It has been sometime, glad to hear from you but so sorry as to why! I hope that you would just take a step back and grab your breath. Have you told him to get his butt there and give you money by Tues or is that right out of the question...? Is his business still running? You are more than likely so filled with emotions right now, mind jumping here and there, makes it so hard to think clearly. If it is of any help, when my husband left, I was left with $38k overdraft he had maxed out from his business, my name was on the account, plus the mortgage, two boys to feed ect. ect...I had to truthfully tell the bank just what was going on, but they did help me out by letting me just make some interest payments and keep them up to date on what was going on.
In the end with the divorce the judge awarded me the home, I sold and bailed myself out
I feel for you and remember just how just how deep, dark and scarey those days were. I know you are a very strong woman, though things seem so far out of reach right now, you have to believe where there is will there is a way.
Rose
Time spent wasted is wasted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 23
Hi Rose it's been awhile! Good to hear from you! Since last time we saw each other (when we met for coffee) my life really did change for the better and things were really good for me. I was in a relationship that all my friends were envious of and I'm really angry I'm at this bad place again. I re-read what I posted earlier and its pretty obvious I was really angry when I posted! I grew up with an addict / alcoholic mother and spent years with addict bfs because that seemed 'normal' I suppose? When I met my husband he was the type I normally wouldn't go for - strait edge (boring?) and I ended up getting really comfortable - I was with someone that I never snooped after I never looked in his wallet or checked his phone...... I never worried - I trusted him! Bizarre because I'd never had someone I really trusted in my life before. He never had this background - he never experienced addiction or the impacts and grew up quite sheltered to it all (opposite of me!) Unfortunately for him he married a person with a pretty strong opinion on addiction! I can't help but let that sick part of me creep in and justify that he 'isn't as bad' as the other addicts I had in my life - he isn't a lost sole like the others - he hasn't ever been arrested or been to jail - he wasn't pokin it he was snorting it..... He is 'new' to this all - but I know all addicts were 'new' at one point and it could be a long hard ride that I just can't go on again! Anyway thanks for letting me come here and rant, feel angry, move through this again.... My husband has told me he will not let us loose our house and won't let me down - he will make it up..... I am not listening and likely punishing him harder because of my past but who knows maybe he will prove me wrong? Maybe he will make good? I won't hold my breath... But to my surprise will let him try
Time spent wasted is wasted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 23
And sorry to not answer some of your questions Rose - his business is still running and he said he will have a mortgage payment to me by tuesday and more as soon as he can wrap up a couple jobs.
((hugs)).
TOS
((hugs)).
TOS
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I am a bit confused as to what Outtolunch is asking about smoking? Must have missed something...?
Glad to hear that he is going to come with the money. Geez you have to wonder what in the world would possess someone of that age to pick up. I don't know his age but my husband was 43 years old, probably made up for some of the shock I felt. Sometimes I almost feel like he was going through some sort of change of life, he was away working with his gravel truck, there was so much work 24/7 and he wanted to work 24/7, get a head in life, so the way he found to do it was with the crack, where is the logic in this? To think this man was higher than a kite without any sleep for days, driving a gravel truck on public roads. Sorry I am not trying to overtake with my situation, just trying to get some sense as to why a person at what you would think a steady stable age would get themselves into such a situation.
I don't blame you one bit for being mad, it is pretty bizzare all right and with his back ground so abiding, there is nothing in this world that would have given you a clue that he would go down this road, nothing!
Rose
Glad to hear that he is going to come with the money. Geez you have to wonder what in the world would possess someone of that age to pick up. I don't know his age but my husband was 43 years old, probably made up for some of the shock I felt. Sometimes I almost feel like he was going through some sort of change of life, he was away working with his gravel truck, there was so much work 24/7 and he wanted to work 24/7, get a head in life, so the way he found to do it was with the crack, where is the logic in this? To think this man was higher than a kite without any sleep for days, driving a gravel truck on public roads. Sorry I am not trying to overtake with my situation, just trying to get some sense as to why a person at what you would think a steady stable age would get themselves into such a situation.
I don't blame you one bit for being mad, it is pretty bizzare all right and with his back ground so abiding, there is nothing in this world that would have given you a clue that he would go down this road, nothing!
Rose
Time spent wasted is wasted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 23
I am not sure either what comes over them to use? He said once turned into twice turned into a problem..... Guess that makes sense lol. He is 36 I am 35. And maybe the smoking comment is in regard to smoking also being an addiction? Yes we both smoke and I agree that it would be tough to stop - if I knew they were going to take my son (12) away I'd quit - and maybe if I slipped and had one and nobody knew I might have two? Maybe that is how to relate I dunno because my smoking didn't cause this his drug and porn addiction did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Ending up with 3 addicts in a row is beyond coincidence.
Most addicts smoke cigarettes.
Smokers tend to attract smokers for the obvious; non smokers increasingly avoid people who smoke cigarettes. It's socially taboo. Can't smoke at work, at restautrants, in bars and in some places, even in your own apartment/condo/balcony/patio.
Anyone who smokes nowdays knows the instant bond that can form between any two people who happen to be in the same place, at the same time, smoking.
The more smokers we are around, the greater the likelihood we will engage with some who have serious problems with drugs and alcohol. And some of them are darn good at denying and/or hiding their problems when it suits them. ( Heck, absolutely no one knows I am still a smoker, outside of my immediate family. )
Most addicts smoke cigarettes.
Smokers tend to attract smokers for the obvious; non smokers increasingly avoid people who smoke cigarettes. It's socially taboo. Can't smoke at work, at restautrants, in bars and in some places, even in your own apartment/condo/balcony/patio.
Anyone who smokes nowdays knows the instant bond that can form between any two people who happen to be in the same place, at the same time, smoking.
The more smokers we are around, the greater the likelihood we will engage with some who have serious problems with drugs and alcohol. And some of them are darn good at denying and/or hiding their problems when it suits them. ( Heck, absolutely no one knows I am still a smoker, outside of my immediate family. )
Time spent wasted is wasted
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 23
When I was 14 if I didn't start smoking I wouldn't be married to an addict - maybe my non-smoking addict /alcoholic mom who spent weekends with her 20yr old lover on coke binges with me locked in the closet and was beaten by my step-father crying over beer with a black eye couldn't have anything to do with my dysfunctional choices - so I guess al-anon is wrong this IS my fault - stupid cigarettes!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Well, I was raised in an alcoholic household, two alcoholics-double winner here-with the added bonus, my Mom is bipolar.
About 4 1/2 years ago, I met the 'great love' of my life.
Care to venture any guesses about my ex?
About 4 1/2 years ago, I met the 'great love' of my life.
Care to venture any guesses about my ex?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
The more smokers we are around, the greater the likelihood we will engage with some who have serious problems with drugs and alcohol. And some of them are darn good at denying and/or hiding their problems when it suits them. ( Heck, absolutely no one knows I am still a smoTker, outside of my immediate family.
Meez thinks someone is feeding you some Cu Cu Out, maybe so much that you feel that you have to hide that you have a ciggy. It certainly isn't a social thing to do these days thats for sure, but that will be the day that anyone would cause me to hide that I smoke. I do not feel comfortable having a smoke around others who do not smoke, so I do go else where to have my smoke and if I see others having a smoke I will go over to where they are and join them, for sure we conversate but I would not go as far as to say we are bonding, but if we are then great more friends. If someone is going to avoid me because I smoke that is great because I don't want to be around someone so judgementle. People from all walks of life have serious problems with drugs and alcohol, Dr.s, Lawyers, Pilots, Police, Nurses ect have every bit of problems as anyone smokers or not.
Hopefully Other Side your husband gets his act together now before he does any damage that can't be undone causing you more harm. How is your son doing through this? He was the most sweet little guy, a young man now as you mentioned he is 12 now.
Rose
Meez thinks someone is feeding you some Cu Cu Out, maybe so much that you feel that you have to hide that you have a ciggy. It certainly isn't a social thing to do these days thats for sure, but that will be the day that anyone would cause me to hide that I smoke. I do not feel comfortable having a smoke around others who do not smoke, so I do go else where to have my smoke and if I see others having a smoke I will go over to where they are and join them, for sure we conversate but I would not go as far as to say we are bonding, but if we are then great more friends. If someone is going to avoid me because I smoke that is great because I don't want to be around someone so judgementle. People from all walks of life have serious problems with drugs and alcohol, Dr.s, Lawyers, Pilots, Police, Nurses ect have every bit of problems as anyone smokers or not.
Hopefully Other Side your husband gets his act together now before he does any damage that can't be undone causing you more harm. How is your son doing through this? He was the most sweet little guy, a young man now as you mentioned he is 12 now.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well.....I'm not going to get into the smoking debate here but I do want to welcome you (back) to SR. I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you back though.
Is there good news in your current situation? I think so. First, you've been there done that and know what to do. Second, you've survived this issue before, you can survive this issue again.
It's so hard to understand why someone would turn to drugs knowing the high possibility of addiction.....particularly when he was "straight edge and boring" so to speak. Hopefully, he'll be able to pull himself out of this quickly when he realizes that he could lose a gem of a wife over it. Man....I hate drugs.
gentle hugs
Is there good news in your current situation? I think so. First, you've been there done that and know what to do. Second, you've survived this issue before, you can survive this issue again.
It's so hard to understand why someone would turn to drugs knowing the high possibility of addiction.....particularly when he was "straight edge and boring" so to speak. Hopefully, he'll be able to pull himself out of this quickly when he realizes that he could lose a gem of a wife over it. Man....I hate drugs.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by rose 
Meez thinks someone is feeding you some Cu Cu Out, maybe so much that you feel that you have to hide that you have a ciggy. It certainly isn't a social thing to do these days thats for sure, but that will be the day that anyone would cause me to hide that I smoke. I do not feel comfortable having a smoke around others who do not smoke, so I do go else where to have my smoke and if I see others having a smoke I will go over to where they are and join them, for sure we conversate but I would not go as far as to say we are bonding, but if we are then great more friends. If someone is going to avoid me because I smoke that is great because I don't want to be around someone so judgementle. People from all walks of life have serious problems with drugs and alcohol, Dr.s, Lawyers, Pilots, Police, Nurses ect have every bit of problems as anyone smokers or not.
If I were in my 20-30's and out and about in places I was likely to meet /mingle, chances are I would be more likely to mingle with people who smoke, than not. This is because non smokers increasingly do not want to associate with smokers because of the stink, the second hand risk and just because.
Looking back on my daughter's situation, she went from a position of being very anti-smoking ( more likely very anti mom) to associating only with people who smoked. Looking back, that's when she started dabbling in drugs. I am not saying all smokers are into drugs. I am an example that this is not true. I am saying that most who are into drugs also smoke cigs.
A million years ago, when I picked up my own habit, I associated primarily with kids who also smoked. Every single one of them got into drugs. Some of them progressed to hard core drugs and some of them did not make it. I eventually chose to walk away from the entire lot because I was not comfortable being around drugs and the people who used drugs.
Moving on with life I also observed that smoking also put me into proximity with people who drank a lot and it was no secret that many of them were also dabbling with cocaine, back in the early 80's. Some of them also did not make it.
My current business depends on knowing a lot of people. Some of those people are indeed very judgmental about smokers to the point that they would not consider doing business with someone who smokes. Employers in some places will not hire a smoker and they test for it along with other substances.
I am addicted to cigarettes. My DOC is legal, albeit increasingly socially unacceptable almost everywhere. I have been smoking longer than some posters here have been alive. On a compounded basis, I have spent an enoromous amount of money to feed my habit. I know the long term consequences. And yet, I run the fantasy that I am not going to experience those consequences. You see, I am special. The normal rules don't apply to me
I do not cope well with life's ups and downs unless I am smoking. I am an addict. Peace.
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