TakingCharge999

...and I feel like a loser.

After feeling so great these last days today I wake up to the news that XABF+GF are in Cuba diving with another couple I know and another "friend" of mine.

I asked the specific person not to give me any "news" anymore. He said "I only tell you so you can relax this week as the office is very quiet".

Perhaps its because I have had about 8 hours of sleep total the last couple of days that I felt specially vulnerable.

But man it got me and I just want to cry. WHY do I feel I "should" be the one there? also giving a hard look to said 'friends'... well, they are NOT good people. WHY am I even "jealous"?

I know this pain is not rational and comes from years ago

I am grateful I can share this here.
I am grateful I have kickboxing later tonight.
I am grateful I got therapy on Friday.

I am angry, jealous, resentful and sad.

I am grateful I am no longer stuffing these things inside and now have some tool to deal with it, like handing it over to HP.
And breathing. I won't let this ruin my whole day...... I am wishing there is something wrong with his tank and dies on the spot.
(Ohh sorry, I can't say that... it makes me a bad person)
Nay, I hope he loves the place and decides not to come back ever then.

BTW so far, no response from boss about working remotely.. I have a weekly status to provide.. I will add that item to the "pending" list. Please please HP......... help me move forward with No Contact.

StarCat

(((((((TC999)))))))

I finally cut contact with anyone who would mention XABF in a social way (which, since he spent all his time with me and family, was not that difficult - thankfully), because it upset me too much. I did try to talk to his sister, but she threw in too many "I don't know if you care, but XABF is up to xyz" and so I am just not calling her anymore. She means well, but she is not "well" for my well-being.

Work is harder, but I don't work on anything he works on anymore, so I am the recipient only of comments or emails in passing, and I have been dealing with them in a detached, professional way.

It is hard to let go, even after I believe that I truly did let go. There's still all those pesky feelings stuck in the way, not to mention my own sense of entitlement that since I stuck by him for so long, and since I let him take so much out of me, I deserve something back.
I try to remind myself that I do have something back. I am now working on me, and learning skills in my recovery that are so much more useful than just dealing with the aftermath of him.

Now if I'd only start listening to myself, I'd be feeling so much better.

(((((TC999)))))

Seren

(((TC))) I'm sorry.......remember the HALT rule!!!

Hope you are feeling better soon!

HG

TakingCharge999

Thanks Starcat and hydrogirl. Starcat, yes we did get something back. Time to use the tools - I am journaling now.
I hope this friend - he is a good friend besides that - keeps my boundary.
I no longer contact anyone else. And it does me a ton of good. And I thought they were MY friends, too. Sheesh.

Deep breath.
Thanks, thanks for getting it, just posting here and accepting my realities, help.

TakingCharge999

I read the wrong "Language of letting go" for the day of Feb 24th but I liked it:

Today I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I am feeling. I will accept myself.

Thanks, Melody Beatty.

fourmaggie

ACCEPTING how you feel is good...but all in all, you really dont want him back do you? naaa, you are growing and feeling good...so dont listen to all that crap...that stinking thinking! and plus YOUR BETTER OFF!....

Learn2Live

I hope a shark eats him!
OK, that's bad.
I hope a shark eats his foot!

Tuffgirl

TC, that was funny - and a reminder that you still have a sense of humor! You made me laugh out loud this afternoon! Thanks. I needed that today.

I think you are just being human. I have the same feelings from time to time - sometimes all at the same time - and seemingly over things that surprise me that I am bothered by them.

I am learning to not over-analyze and just go with those feelings, and then try to find something else to occupy my thoughts for a while.

Awesome on kick-boxing...found a class and am taking that up again myself. It helped me way back when during a stressful time and I am hoping it helps again. Oh, and my butt never looked better the year I took kick-boxing classes. Hoping I can find that butt again! I liked that butt!

passionfruit

I know exactly how you feel!!

It sucks!!

I am so sorry you are feeling this.


Soon enough, she will be in your shoes, we both know it!

So for now, know we are on your side and believe you deserve you not him!!

theuncertainty

Hugs, TC. Just remember everything you've done lately. Gone to the lovely beach wedding for a friend. Went camping (right? to a cabin?) with several friends, one of whom looked like a young gorgeous Richard Gere. You have a great new place where you can paint. I know I've seen more great events because I remember thinking TC is so lucky and always making plans to go somewhere/do something and she is so glamorous. And you are.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all.
Flashnews, its "those days", so this sensitivity has an explanation now..

Tuffgirl that's awesome! well, I ended up falling asleep from 6-11... guess I was tired. I tried to wake up for my lessons but realized I had to catch up with sleep. I also want a good butt, lol. Pilates has helped in that department!

Now I am watching Dr House at 12 30AM.

Thank God for cats. They have helped me feel great, made me laugh and have cuddled with me while we took a nap under the sun. Incredible how they know when you are not feeling that great. They are like walking plush toys. Now if only they gave me back my bed and stopped using MY pillow!

I realized I need to work on my self image. One of the things this triggered was my bad opinion about my body. (Like 99% of women I guess). XABF mocked me when a swimming suit didn't fit. He realized I didn't feel very confident that one time when we went to the beach. Gf is very thin on the other hand.... and there I go again with the destructive comparisons...

I am trying hard to remind myself I may be the winner here with peace and no one's hostage. Its hard not to imagine a "fun plan" but at this time instead of imagining all sorts of painful ideas I will try to think I can't control him, can't cure him, he has not changed and the present moment is the only thing that exists.

uncertainty, your post made me cry. Thanks.

TakingCharge999

passionfruit, I hope you feel better.

naive

tc-

good to see you applying your recovery tools when tough emotions surface...

you know the score, tc. if it was you on holiday in cuba, it would be you dealing with the drunkeness, you dealing with the fear of him diving with a hangover, you dealing with the disappointment when he's drunk once again at dinner, you dealing with him belittling you, you dealing with his lack of emotional unavailability, etc.

hang in there, your better life awaits.

the thing i've discovered with emotions is that they pass thru. i try to sit with them and just feel them. it will pass.

in the meantime, take care of yourself...rest, yoga, breath, fruits, salads and LOVE...

i'm off to do some yoga and then a long walk with the ipod down by the sea...

naive

StarCat

(((TC999)))

I love my kitten. She is like a walking, purring, cuddling, meowing, insistent plush toy with sharp bits when I start worrying too much to remind me to pay more attention to her for a change.

You have a wonderful life, with all these great things to look forward to, and all these wonderful memories you've made now that you've won back your freedom.

L2L, I am cracking up!
I think you've been hanging out with Cyranoak a little too much.
:rotfxko

stella27

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. XMIL told me the other night that they want to take my kids on a Disney cruise. I want to cry. *I* want to go on a Disney cruise. *I* want to take them somewhere memorable and fun and exciting. But *I* don't have the money that XH's parents have.

On the other hand, I have a pleasant, peaceful home filled to the ceilings with love, compassion and the fun and constant activity of three children under 10. I have the bedtimes and the mornings. I have no husband, but I also have no strife.

And you? You have free time, great fun beneficial activities, and no strife. And kitty cats. How I love them!

No plane travel, no security, no lost luggage, no beach swimsuit anxiety, no drinking all night, no being ignored in favor of alcohol, no flight delays, no dreading going back to work. Just quiet, peaceful YOU time. I promise, it's better.

And friends are hard. I know. I struggle with this. Those people are still your friends, they still like you, they just may have to be relegated to the back burner of your life since they socialize so much with XH.

You go enjoy yourself.

lillamy

(((hugs)))

It's funny how we work, isn't it? My RAXH, after months of trying to convince me that he had changed and was a new man (I saw no signs of this, it was just talk) to make me take him back (the NHL teams will do trips to hell for games before that happens) now has settled in his new life and is happy. He's taken up hobbies he had before we were married; he's getting in shape; he's looking fabulous; he's getting job offers left and right... he's living comfortably while I'm counting pennies... and while I would never want him back, it still irks me that he's doing this now, while for 20 years with me, all he would do is get [expletive] drunk every night.

I think, when I analyze it, that somehow, I think that his behavior now reflects badly on me. As if I could have done something differently to make him make these choices earlier. As if I could have controlled his drinking if I had just pushed the right button.

Which is, of course, like leaving a slot machine and being upset that the next person who sits down hits the jackpot. As if I automatically would have if I had just sucked it up a little longer.

And the truth is, if he's healthy and happy, that's a good thing -- that means he'll leave me alone.

I don't know if any of that helps or applies, but anyway. There it is.

MsPINKAcres

I had a very good friend that almost this same situation happened to her ~
while she and her (now ex) husband were temporarily separated and working on their marriage & he was suppose to be getting sober??
he started seeing someone else in the program
my friend & he divorced - he and the new gf paraded their love affair all over our town - they had a child (something my girlfriend longed for) and then got married

Went to a concert my friend had given him tickets for a bday gift
All was perfect & wonderful
UNTIL ~ The new wife had to serve jail time for her DUI and he couldn't get away fast enough
Now new wife is out of jail, being a single parent & going thru a divorce
She actually said "my friend could have him back now - she doesn't want him anymore"

My friend now knows it was nothing to do with her - her ex just pretended with the new wife just like he did with her - until the pressure got to HOT & he ran like he always does.

The reality and truth of the situation will eventually be known.

Hang in there & take care of YOU!!!!!

PINK HUGS
Rita

Impurrfect

(((TC))) - XABF bought the RV I had paid a LOT of money (well, to me, it was) for a measly $2,000 when my engine blew. He and his new gf were able to take trips like the ones we had. It bothered me, at first, because all I could think of was the FUN times we had. I had to remember the not-so-fun...the engine blowing, him getting drunk and acting like an a$$, to get back on even keel. The RV was old, and he no longer had me to fork over the money for stuff. New gf was as bad a codie as I was. Let HER spend 20+ years with him and then wonder WTF?

I've had NC with him in 6 years? I'm sure he hasn't changed, but I have, and that's what counts. I wouldn't touch anyone like him with a 10-foot pole, and for that - I'm grateful.

Count your blessings, look at how far you've come, and keep on with YOUR magnificent life

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

transformyself

I"m just seeing this Girl and wanted to give you lots of hugs!

You're strong!

tallulah

Hey TC *hugs*

I love Cuba. So, I'm a little jealous to hear about that road trip.. but sooo feeling a little pity for the XABF's GF. I mean can you imagine being on the road with him

Thank your lucky stars is not you!

Tx