Whoa, recovery is MAGIC!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Whoa, recovery is MAGIC!!
Hi folks,
Haven't started a new thread in I don't know how long and I mostly lurk these days but I wanted to post about Al-Anon working for me in my job in the last month. I staggered into the program to deal with the aftermath of a relationship with my AXBF and didn't ever expect that it would have so many other positive applications in my life.
Firstly, my supervisor at work isn't great at managing her own time (by her own admission). In two months I hadn't had a meeting with her that wasn't at least an hour later than scheduled, moved to another day or reduced to a brief in the hallway conversation.
Two weeks ago another meeting got moved to a day later than planned - then bumped back by an hour. Then I finally took my lunch to my desk (at 2pm) when she was running late again - and she sidled up to give me feedback on a 10-page plan I had given her to review. I was literally shovelling food into my mouth as she pulled up a chair.
Pre al-anon I would have sulked, stewed or just let it go. But I stopped eating, and asked that we go to a meeting room. When we got there I told her that I didn't want to meet about the budget, but that I did have some concerns that the project was starting to run behind because I couldn't, ever, bank on getting a meeting and that it was too important not to raise. I said that I knew she was pulled in ten different directions (she is) but that I needed a weekly meeting to keep -myself- on track and wanted to propose that we set up a regular time each week to touch base, even if just by phone.
The result was ... great!! She said that she was getting the same treatment from her own supervisor but had no idea that it was trickling down and thought that I was doing fine with minimal involvement from her. We had our first (scheduled and kept) meeting on Monday and she said, again, that she really appreciated the direct, constructive feedback about her management style.
Today one of our Executive Assistants, who I have a great working relationship with, snapped at me. Out of character, out of the blue and also really out of line. Some coworkers overheard and one asked me afterwards if I was all right. I wasn't. I was triggered beyond belief. I told her I was going to take five and go for a walk. No badmouthing, no gossiping, I just picked up my bag and went to pick up coffee.
The assistant came to apologise within the hour - and said that she was absolutely swamped and at the end of her rope. I said I understood all of that, but that her delivery was unacceptable and that I hadn't been spoken to that way in a work setting, by anyone in a long, long time. Which is true. She was stunned. And she started by getting defensive and kind of going on the attack again - and I held the boundary. Calmly. I was empathetic that she's swamped - and mentioned that I've pitched in to help her recently when I've seen her getting swamped (I have). But I also said that if she's at a level of stress where she's behaving that way to someone in an office setting, that there are bigger workflow issues that need addressing because... and I learned this in the rooms.......
No matter -what- is going on, no matter what the "explanation" is - I don't have to pretend that the unacceptable is acceptable anymore. Someone losing their *&^%% at me when I've done nothing to warrant it? Unacceptable. And I can calmly say so. I don't have to yell, scream, bitch, moan, stew, get passive aggressive or engage. I can just pick up my bag and walk away. Or tell them, gently but firmly, that it was unacceptable to me.
I'm not the first person she has chewed out recently. But I'm the only person who has addressed it. And she immediately backed down. It wasn't personal. She's just ... swamped. But she also said that she thought she'd just been a little blunt (!!!) and had no idea that I would have felt attacked and didn't want to earn a reputation as the office bully. I think it was the first time that anyone has been willing to really talk it through with her rather than react or stew.
So, twice in the last few weeks I've calmly used boundaries at work. Cancelling or bumping every meeting for two months? Unacceptable. Verbal aggression towards me in the workplace? Unacceptable. By taking a moment each time to step out of being reactive and by addressing the behavior as unacceptable rather than the person, I managed to look for solutions both times.
And the assistant -is- getting a reputation as the office bully. I didn't need to mention that - it's not my business and I haven't engaged in any of the conversations about it because up until today, it hadn't affected me. and I didn't talk about the situation today with a single other coworker. No gossip, no escalation - just an honest sketch of how her behavior had affected me.
These are all -totally- new behaviors for me. I have never stood up for myself and I know that the results won't always be so positive, or productive. But both times I had let go of the outcome.
Yay recovery!!!! And thank you if you're still reading the longest post ever, but I really wanted to share these milestones. It does get better - and (this is the showstopper)
it gets better in ways that have nothing, whatsoever to do with the alcoholic who brought you to the place where your recovery began.
SL.
Haven't started a new thread in I don't know how long and I mostly lurk these days but I wanted to post about Al-Anon working for me in my job in the last month. I staggered into the program to deal with the aftermath of a relationship with my AXBF and didn't ever expect that it would have so many other positive applications in my life.
Firstly, my supervisor at work isn't great at managing her own time (by her own admission). In two months I hadn't had a meeting with her that wasn't at least an hour later than scheduled, moved to another day or reduced to a brief in the hallway conversation.
Two weeks ago another meeting got moved to a day later than planned - then bumped back by an hour. Then I finally took my lunch to my desk (at 2pm) when she was running late again - and she sidled up to give me feedback on a 10-page plan I had given her to review. I was literally shovelling food into my mouth as she pulled up a chair.
Pre al-anon I would have sulked, stewed or just let it go. But I stopped eating, and asked that we go to a meeting room. When we got there I told her that I didn't want to meet about the budget, but that I did have some concerns that the project was starting to run behind because I couldn't, ever, bank on getting a meeting and that it was too important not to raise. I said that I knew she was pulled in ten different directions (she is) but that I needed a weekly meeting to keep -myself- on track and wanted to propose that we set up a regular time each week to touch base, even if just by phone.
The result was ... great!! She said that she was getting the same treatment from her own supervisor but had no idea that it was trickling down and thought that I was doing fine with minimal involvement from her. We had our first (scheduled and kept) meeting on Monday and she said, again, that she really appreciated the direct, constructive feedback about her management style.
Today one of our Executive Assistants, who I have a great working relationship with, snapped at me. Out of character, out of the blue and also really out of line. Some coworkers overheard and one asked me afterwards if I was all right. I wasn't. I was triggered beyond belief. I told her I was going to take five and go for a walk. No badmouthing, no gossiping, I just picked up my bag and went to pick up coffee.
The assistant came to apologise within the hour - and said that she was absolutely swamped and at the end of her rope. I said I understood all of that, but that her delivery was unacceptable and that I hadn't been spoken to that way in a work setting, by anyone in a long, long time. Which is true. She was stunned. And she started by getting defensive and kind of going on the attack again - and I held the boundary. Calmly. I was empathetic that she's swamped - and mentioned that I've pitched in to help her recently when I've seen her getting swamped (I have). But I also said that if she's at a level of stress where she's behaving that way to someone in an office setting, that there are bigger workflow issues that need addressing because... and I learned this in the rooms.......
No matter -what- is going on, no matter what the "explanation" is - I don't have to pretend that the unacceptable is acceptable anymore. Someone losing their *&^%% at me when I've done nothing to warrant it? Unacceptable. And I can calmly say so. I don't have to yell, scream, bitch, moan, stew, get passive aggressive or engage. I can just pick up my bag and walk away. Or tell them, gently but firmly, that it was unacceptable to me.
I'm not the first person she has chewed out recently. But I'm the only person who has addressed it. And she immediately backed down. It wasn't personal. She's just ... swamped. But she also said that she thought she'd just been a little blunt (!!!) and had no idea that I would have felt attacked and didn't want to earn a reputation as the office bully. I think it was the first time that anyone has been willing to really talk it through with her rather than react or stew.
So, twice in the last few weeks I've calmly used boundaries at work. Cancelling or bumping every meeting for two months? Unacceptable. Verbal aggression towards me in the workplace? Unacceptable. By taking a moment each time to step out of being reactive and by addressing the behavior as unacceptable rather than the person, I managed to look for solutions both times.
And the assistant -is- getting a reputation as the office bully. I didn't need to mention that - it's not my business and I haven't engaged in any of the conversations about it because up until today, it hadn't affected me. and I didn't talk about the situation today with a single other coworker. No gossip, no escalation - just an honest sketch of how her behavior had affected me.
These are all -totally- new behaviors for me. I have never stood up for myself and I know that the results won't always be so positive, or productive. But both times I had let go of the outcome.
Yay recovery!!!! And thank you if you're still reading the longest post ever, but I really wanted to share these milestones. It does get better - and (this is the showstopper)
it gets better in ways that have nothing, whatsoever to do with the alcoholic who brought you to the place where your recovery began.SL.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for YOU! I had to learn (the hard way) how I can come off if I'm swamped and oblivious to other people--I had to eat the same crow your supervisor did, and I took it to heart and have worked very hard on how I deal with people when I'm stressed. I consciously choose my tone and words, express massive appreciation for the help I get from my clerical staff, and make it a point to not inflict any more stress than they already feel.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I love it.
I snap at people when I am under a lot of stress. I realize it and I want to do better. Thank you for reminding me that unacceptable is unacceptable, but that message can be communicated directly without passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive behaviors.
Thanks!
I snap at people when I am under a lot of stress. I realize it and I want to do better. Thank you for reminding me that unacceptable is unacceptable, but that message can be communicated directly without passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive behaviors.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
"No matter -what- is going on, no matter what the "explanation" is - I don't have to pretend that the unacceptable is acceptable anymore."
This really speaks to my condition right now ~ thank you!
- Sylvie
This really speaks to my condition right now ~ thank you!
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I love it when the lightbulb goes on and things begin to click again. Such a good feeling! Good for you. Your office sounds a lot like mine, btw. Some days I really dream about just quitting this rat race. Then I realize its everywhere, just in a different flavor. Best to learn to deal with it.
Thanks for sharing - a happy, positive post to read this morning!
Thanks for sharing - a happy, positive post to read this morning!
:bounce
YIPPEE!! I can't TELL you how proud I am of you! Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Aw, thank you folks - your responses brought a tear to my eye. I still get all caught up with my family (believe me) but if I can start to behave in a healthier way at work, maybe anything is possible :-)
I don't snap when I'm stressed at work - but I do in my "home" life with my family of origin. And just like my coworker at the office, I think maybe I've felt like the emotion justifies the behavior in my "off-duty" life. But the people I snap at (not often, but it happens) are actually the people I love the most.
I actually dug out a reading from one day at a time that talks about being happy and well-adjusted in the rooms and then being snappy and surly with the alcoholic. Maybe for my coworker, the office is her "problem" situation (she seems to have a great marriage and home life). For me, I have my game face on at work - maybe not so much at home. Definitely food for thought and I'm going to try to do better.
Thank you all for the fantastic support, and than God for SR,
SL.
I don't snap when I'm stressed at work - but I do in my "home" life with my family of origin. And just like my coworker at the office, I think maybe I've felt like the emotion justifies the behavior in my "off-duty" life. But the people I snap at (not often, but it happens) are actually the people I love the most.
I actually dug out a reading from one day at a time that talks about being happy and well-adjusted in the rooms and then being snappy and surly with the alcoholic. Maybe for my coworker, the office is her "problem" situation (she seems to have a great marriage and home life). For me, I have my game face on at work - maybe not so much at home. Definitely food for thought and I'm going to try to do better.
Thank you all for the fantastic support, and than God for SR,
SL.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Similar thing happened to me..
I am no longer a workaholic..
If I know I will work at odd hours or during the weekend, I take the mornings for myself...
I realize when others are under stress or rushing and I try to remember it is THEIR stress not mine.
I have SLEPT and I have had A LIFE lately and I am so grateful.
I was hiding in my work and not even enjoying it.
Now I am starting to enjoy it and have a good attitude about it. And self sabotaging less. It helps me a lot to be in a good mood, somehow the others pick it up even via email or chat, and help you out other times.
I also notice I have less problems asking for what I need.
Another gift is that I was "kind" with people that really don't give a damn about me. I used to smile or say hi at them at work when they didn't even bother to acknowledge my existence. I am no longer "kind" to them. And it feels great. I don't have to "act" anymore.
I also notice I apologize less, in general, and I also notice I tend to think about how to make MY life less stressful/enjoyable, more often.
I am no longer a workaholic..
If I know I will work at odd hours or during the weekend, I take the mornings for myself...
I realize when others are under stress or rushing and I try to remember it is THEIR stress not mine.
I have SLEPT and I have had A LIFE lately and I am so grateful.
I was hiding in my work and not even enjoying it.
Now I am starting to enjoy it and have a good attitude about it. And self sabotaging less. It helps me a lot to be in a good mood, somehow the others pick it up even via email or chat, and help you out other times.
I also notice I have less problems asking for what I need.
Another gift is that I was "kind" with people that really don't give a damn about me. I used to smile or say hi at them at work when they didn't even bother to acknowledge my existence. I am no longer "kind" to them. And it feels great. I don't have to "act" anymore.
I also notice I apologize less, in general, and I also notice I tend to think about how to make MY life less stressful/enjoyable, more often.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
That is so great to hear, TC - I know that work has been a major stressor at times in the last few years, and I know that having your ex on-site hasn't helped.
Isn't it funny how you can actually pace yourself without anyone noticing, or your performance even suffering for it? I work better when I have a life - and I work smarter and more efficiently and I enjoy it. Who knew?
Hugs,
SL.
Isn't it funny how you can actually pace yourself without anyone noticing, or your performance even suffering for it? I work better when I have a life - and I work smarter and more efficiently and I enjoy it. Who knew?
Hugs,
SL.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Thanks for taking the time to write that post. 
When I was diagnosed by a Dr several years ago, they said I had passive-aggresive behavior. So sometimes I just let stuff go for fear I won't be able to deal with it in a positive manner.
So reading how you stood up for yourself w/o having to be rude, or self rightous, gives me hope!
Have a great day all
When I was diagnosed by a Dr several years ago, they said I had passive-aggresive behavior. So sometimes I just let stuff go for fear I won't be able to deal with it in a positive manner.
So reading how you stood up for yourself w/o having to be rude, or self rightous, gives me hope!
Have a great day all
Last edited by newby1961; 03-01-2011 at 06:19 AM. Reason: spelling
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