PurpleWilder

This is a self-awareness topic I have been mulling over for a long time - years, probably. I know this may be off topic but I want to get this out into the world with you guys here at SR. I have been having nightmares for 2 nights running now and roughly about the same thing.

I think probably every choice I have ever made except going through my divorce has been at attempt to avoid pain. Growing up, I would defer to the emotional outbursts of my hypochondriac mom and lack of emotions from my philandering father. I was scared to death of everything - school, town, life, the world. I remember what it was like when I was very little and everything was an adventure. And I remember when that feeling started to fade and I started trying to be invisible.

I have never lived big - never taken great risks, never done anything daring. I have always tried to live quietly because somewhere along the way I learned that when you are the loudest, you get yelled at first. The universe picks you first when the bad crap comes down. I know now in adulthood that this makes no sense, but I can't shake this feeling.

One of the few things I ever felt proud of was in getting a college degree. But you know what? I didn't learn a damn thing while I was there. I was on the Dean's List, Honor Progrom, Phi Kappa Phi, etc. I never did poorly while I was there. But the whole time I was in school I was just avoiding going out into the world. And I can't think of a better way to avoid your own pain than to get involved in someone elses' - can you say, "attracted to alcoholics"?

It both makes me angry and ashamed of myself that people that in the past I thought less of have gone so much further than I have because they had the guts to take risks, find out what they loved and then back it up with decisions to make stuff happen. Yes, that makes me awfully snotty to have thought stuff like that, but I am trying to throw this out on the table here. I have a college degree but work part time in retail. I am so disappointed in myself.

I know it is never too late to have an ephiphany and start again but I am still so scared of everything. I hate change. I hate having my schedule interrupted. I hate the fear. I am like one of those guys from "Grumpy Old Men". How do you find out what you want to do? When you do, do the decisions to back it up seem worth the price? Do you start enjoying life then?

I am really tired right now, so if I seem raw or rambling please accept my apologies. Any help would be appreciated; additional apologies if this seems off-topic.

Pelican

I have had some of the same thoughts. You are not alone.

I haven't got answers, but wanted to share some food for those thoughts.

I have come to believe that the reason I don't have the thrills and daring adventures is because I am trying to play it safe. I have come to realize this is in many areas of my life.

Based on the sharing here at SR, I am understanding that this may be a fear of being vulnerable. If I don't make myself vulnerable to the pain, then I won't be rejected or disappointed. However, by not allowing myself to be vulnerable to the pain; I have been keeping myself from knowing the joy and thrills in life. (so it seems in my world)

I also learned about my fear holding me back. There are self-improvement books available to help overcome personal fears. (I am drawing a blank this morning on titles) but I do have this posted on my bathroom mirror:
"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

Peace to you as you discover yourself!

kiki5711

I'm the total opposite. I attract every challenge, drama, experience (good and bad) to myself. It's what I thrived on. The challenge to overcome situations/relationships/beliefs, the challenge to control myself (mind/body), the challenge to live.

I'm all challenged out though. I look forward these days to doing nothing but relaxing and NO excitement. But hey, I"m 53 and I think it's about time to slow down a bit anyway.

dancingnow

PS I am so relating to you. I latched onto my AH for his passion and dreams, convincing myself that this was what I wanted to. Meanwhile I got sucked into playing it safe and not developing any of my own passions.

I'm working on myself right now and don't want to go into all the details but 1 book I found is helping me with this part - "I could do anything, if only I knew what it was" by Barbara Sher.

Maybe it might be helpful to you.

Take care.

tjp613

You sound like you could benefit from the services of a "life coach" -- have you ever looked into that or known anyone who did it? My girlfriend did and swears it was the turning point in her life. She now has a Masters degree and is TOPS in her field of clinical research management, happily married and living in a wonderful Florida city. Before coaching she was a single mom, struggling with money and her very stressful, 'dead-end' career as a floor nurse.

passionfruit

"I have a college degree but work part time in retail."

My friend, this is completely okay if it makes you happy. I am gathering by your post it does not.

I find myself setting my expectations of myself to be better than everybody else. Always have for some reason. Couldn't hurt to figure out why; might help me learn about me.

I worked a job for 8 years that I truly hated. I was beat down, worked 70 hours a week, but it paid well and people were in awe I was there.

I left the wrong way. I attached to my AH. He said all the right things, pursued me a little and I was on board.

I DO NOT REGRET leaving that job. I do regret it took an alcoholic man who gave me the right kind of attention to get me there. I did not take care of myself or make a good decision based on good judgement.

Now I am in the postion of finding a job. I had a conversation with my girlfriend the other day. I am going through the hiring process for a blue collar job (2 physicals....) that will require physical labor on my part.

I have also been called for a 2nd interview (today as a matter of fact) for a white collar job that will be skating physically, but a lot of pressure to meet deadlines and quotas.

I told my girlfriend that even if I am offered the white collar job, I will probably turn it down even though it will pay more. She came unglued. She doesn't get it somehow. She thinks I am making another mistake.

I want to be happy. I don't want deadlines, and pressure, and stress to the degree I am sick at my stomach when I go to work.

I will find my way. So I am going to do something completely out of my perceived norm. Then if ever comes a time when I don't want to do it, I will change positively. Who knows? Maybe this will wind up being one of the best decisions I made.

So, you will find your way, I think, as you begin to talk about these things. Putting them out there, not only opens you up for accountability to yourself; but once it is out there, you now know it and are less likely to go back into denial or simply ignoring it.

I struggled with admitting a few things outloud on here and made myself do it. I realized keeping my secrets to myself is what kept me from growing, moving forward. It is better to move forward in some small direction, I think. Better than where I was anyhoo!!

Keep talking. We are listening!!

TakingCharge999

You are not alone having those thoughts.
My therapist said I do not need to compare myself to anyone. We each have our own path and our own rythm.
Easier said than done I know...

I have nothing wise to say. Only that you are not alone.
passionfruit: good for you for listening to your own needs!!

1KnotCloser

I don't have much to add to what has already been said, but I can really relate to your situation. I think that maybe sometimes just acknowledging our fears gives them less of a hold on us, and we can move forward. Thank you for sharing!
:ghug3

Bolina

What an amazing OP, Purple Squirrel, and some great insights from the others too. I love it when people post about themselves.

I totally get what you are saying about the fear thing. I didn't suffer from it too much when I was younger, although I suspect that I have been a bit of a follower rather than making independent decisions. I'm still uncovering this kind of theme, so I may not be quite correct there because on the face of it my life looks anything but. What I have figured out is that since being involved with an alcoholic (of the conman variety), I have lost any trust in my own judgment. That makes decision making quite tough.

I don't know the answers, but I suspect that a lot of my thinking has its roots in a warped sense of perfectionism. I am trying to change my thinking towards a more "good enough" train of thought - after all, that's what most people do, isn't it?

Tuffgirl

Yes, thank you from me, as well. This is a great topic and I look forward to others' thoughts on it.

I just had a great conversation with a colleague about financial advising after I told her I was afraid to buy a house right now, even though I qualified. She shared some great insight with me...things that worked for her that I may want to try myself to get past some of this anxiety.

I am learning that sometimes it is best to open up about your fears to others because others may have very valuable insights to add. Guess that's why I like this forum!