Sanity, I think
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Sanity, I think
So AH, who has been sober several months, is having a melt down. Threatening "resentment" and abandoning me and every other trick he has.
I love where I am right now. I just disengage. I"m actively countering my own reactions, and pretty quickly. He tries to get me to engage, I don't. My panic starts to rise, then I just step away. Your choice, not mine. Not my business. Not my problem.
For some reason, we can only pray it's a benefit of working the program and building my own self esteem, when I begin to panic about him withholding money or trying to take the kids from me or whatever, I just tell myself, "it's ok," and summons a faith that we'll be taken care of. All that matters is I stick to my boundary, which I am pretty freaking sure of. No booze around me or the kids. Period.
he agreed to it for several months and is now literally having a tantrum like a child. Thank GOD I now see it as that. And thank goodness he's not a narcissist or someone who truly is out to hurt us. He's generally a very good person, all though I do not underestimate the power of this disease. That's why I have this boundary, I did underestimate it plenty of times and my family suffered with each choice to shift back into denial.
No thanks.
It feels like I have about a 4 second window of choice; either head down that path of engaging and being freaked out and feeling like crap, or turn away and let go and get back to my life right away. Truly letting go by not allowing thoughts of this to cloud my head or race my heart.
For now, I'm clear and peaceful. And right now is all I have, so I'm not going to worry about whether or not this will be a consistent reaction to him. I'm grateful. And have acceptance in the moment of what is.
peace out, dogs.
I love where I am right now. I just disengage. I"m actively countering my own reactions, and pretty quickly. He tries to get me to engage, I don't. My panic starts to rise, then I just step away. Your choice, not mine. Not my business. Not my problem.
For some reason, we can only pray it's a benefit of working the program and building my own self esteem, when I begin to panic about him withholding money or trying to take the kids from me or whatever, I just tell myself, "it's ok," and summons a faith that we'll be taken care of. All that matters is I stick to my boundary, which I am pretty freaking sure of. No booze around me or the kids. Period.
he agreed to it for several months and is now literally having a tantrum like a child. Thank GOD I now see it as that. And thank goodness he's not a narcissist or someone who truly is out to hurt us. He's generally a very good person, all though I do not underestimate the power of this disease. That's why I have this boundary, I did underestimate it plenty of times and my family suffered with each choice to shift back into denial.
No thanks.
It feels like I have about a 4 second window of choice; either head down that path of engaging and being freaked out and feeling like crap, or turn away and let go and get back to my life right away. Truly letting go by not allowing thoughts of this to cloud my head or race my heart.
For now, I'm clear and peaceful. And right now is all I have, so I'm not going to worry about whether or not this will be a consistent reaction to him. I'm grateful. And have acceptance in the moment of what is.
peace out, dogs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
This is something I truly aspire to. I seem to get dragged in to the chaos almost every time and it is so frustrating! I love your boundary of "no booze" - it's simple and concise. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well!
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Ker, believe me, I also get dragged in to the chaos at times. For some mysterious reason, this is becoming my base, I think. Not my problem, not my business. I think I've had enough.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by transformyself 
It feels like I have about a 4 second window of choice; either head down that path of engaging and being freaked out and feeling like crap, or turn away and let go and get back to my life right away. Truly letting go by not allowing thoughts of this to cloud my head or race my heart.
How do you recognize quickly? Any special tricks?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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From "What Happy People Know" by Dan Baker:
L
The panic that is created by the amygldala feeds upon itself and obliterates reason. Negative thoughts begin to come out of nowhere and overwhelm the neocortex. Fear begins to develop a life of its own. The brain, in effect, gets hijacked by fear.
But here is the saving grace of the situation: There is a moment--lasting approximately one-quarter of a second--when this hijacking can be prevented.
This quarter-second, first reported by the influential psychotherapist amd author Tara Bennett-Goleman in Emotional Alchemy, was discovered by neurosurgeon Bejamin Libet. A number of years ago, Dr. Libet became interested in the possible existence of a lag time between when people get the urge to take action and when they actually take it. Therefore, he conducted a fascinating neurological experiment on patients undergoing certain brain surgeries, who were awake and alert. He asked them to move one of their fingers, while he electronically monitored their brain activity. That's when he found it--the life-changing quarter-second! There was a quarter-second delay, he discovered, between the urge to move the finger, and its actual movement.
This means that every urge you will ever have--including every fearful urge and every angry urge--contains a quarter-second window of opportunity in which you can disengage from that urge.
The significance of this is extraordinary.
One-quarter of a second may not sound like much time, but in the arena of thought, it's a virtual eternity. It's more than enough time for you to choose to interpret perceptions differently.
This quarter-second is your ultimate power over perception.
But here is the saving grace of the situation: There is a moment--lasting approximately one-quarter of a second--when this hijacking can be prevented.
This quarter-second, first reported by the influential psychotherapist amd author Tara Bennett-Goleman in Emotional Alchemy, was discovered by neurosurgeon Bejamin Libet. A number of years ago, Dr. Libet became interested in the possible existence of a lag time between when people get the urge to take action and when they actually take it. Therefore, he conducted a fascinating neurological experiment on patients undergoing certain brain surgeries, who were awake and alert. He asked them to move one of their fingers, while he electronically monitored their brain activity. That's when he found it--the life-changing quarter-second! There was a quarter-second delay, he discovered, between the urge to move the finger, and its actual movement.
This means that every urge you will ever have--including every fearful urge and every angry urge--contains a quarter-second window of opportunity in which you can disengage from that urge.
The significance of this is extraordinary.
One-quarter of a second may not sound like much time, but in the arena of thought, it's a virtual eternity. It's more than enough time for you to choose to interpret perceptions differently.
This quarter-second is your ultimate power over perception.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
How do you recognize quickly? Any special tricks?
When I"m on my game, I have awareness that I"m beginning to shift into old thinking patterns: OH NOOOOOO
he's going to leave me! Oh god, what did I do now? How do i get him to stop? How do I make him stay and love me?Because of this amazing, wonderful place and people, today I understand his threats to really be baseless quacking, foundation-less strategies he and other alcoholics use get what they want. He threatens me with abandonment, and in the past it has always worked. I cried. I followed him around, engaging. It was a nightmare, and continued until I started reading that book, I think it's actually called From Abandonment to Healing.
So, when I sense that shift, when I have to ability to sense it as it's happening, I use the phrase I just gave to passionfruit. It's like magic.
I am leaving you now
this is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behaviors
all is for my greater good
Hope this helps, I can't back it up with any statistics or research, just my IRL experience.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Wonderful thread.
I recently had a codie relapse, depression, felt super weak..
Today "magically" I am back on track, back to doing my sports, spending good energy at work and doing it happily, feeling my own light.. grateful... alive... healthy... enjoying each moment... in fact at work the boss talked about an error I made exactly a year ago that made our team look bad... and I DIDN'T beat myself up for it... I started to think about it but... nope, I never went to a bad place... I didn't give it energy.
I concluded "in a new city, depressed, mourning an alkie, no family nor close friends, moving from place to place, not taking myself seriously, self esteem zilch, how would I have ever done a good job? they were lucky I didn't make many more mistakes! so glad today its a different story"
Ahhh. Self compassion. Welcome.
Sorry for rambling in your thread transformy. So, so great to hear about your progress and dettachment!
I love the mantra.
When I feel like my old self I go "That was then. Today I am renewed and healed"
I recently had a codie relapse, depression, felt super weak..
Today "magically" I am back on track, back to doing my sports, spending good energy at work and doing it happily, feeling my own light.. grateful... alive... healthy... enjoying each moment... in fact at work the boss talked about an error I made exactly a year ago that made our team look bad... and I DIDN'T beat myself up for it... I started to think about it but... nope, I never went to a bad place... I didn't give it energy.
I concluded "in a new city, depressed, mourning an alkie, no family nor close friends, moving from place to place, not taking myself seriously, self esteem zilch, how would I have ever done a good job? they were lucky I didn't make many more mistakes! so glad today its a different story"
Ahhh. Self compassion. Welcome.
Sorry for rambling in your thread transformy. So, so great to hear about your progress and dettachment!
I love the mantra.
When I feel like my old self I go "That was then. Today I am renewed and healed"
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by transformyself
yes. Massive amounts of therapy, al-anon and yoga. Then, I can be present OH NOOOOOO he's going to leave me! Oh god, what did I do now? How do i get him to stop? How do I make him stay and love me?
He threatens me with abandonment, and in the past it has always worked. I cried. I followed him around, engaging. It was a nightmare, and continued until I started reading that book, I think it's actually called From Abandonment to Healing.
I am leaving you now
this is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behaviors
all is for my greater good
he's going to leave me! Oh god, what did I do now? How do i get him to stop? How do I make him stay and love me?He threatens me with abandonment, and in the past it has always worked. I cried. I followed him around, engaging. It was a nightmare, and continued until I started reading that book, I think it's actually called From Abandonment to Healing.
I am leaving you now
this is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behaviors
all is for my greater good
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Update
Well today I was a bit less serene, AH was still pouty and passive aggressive and I allowed it to get to me.
Here's what I learned.
I snapped at him a few times, after asking repeatedly for his schedule and he was being, like I said, passive aggressive. Of course, once he got a rise out of me his mood changed dramatically, he was much happier. Dick.
Today, I see this as me letting his behavior get to me, instead of just being pi$$ed. And, I"m getting right back to my life, thank you.
Here's what I learned.
I snapped at him a few times, after asking repeatedly for his schedule and he was being, like I said, passive aggressive. Of course, once he got a rise out of me his mood changed dramatically, he was much happier. Dick.
Today, I see this as me letting his behavior get to me, instead of just being pi$$ed. And, I"m getting right back to my life, thank you.
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