Honey5

I'm new here.
I'm in the midst (on the tail end) of finally divorcing my addict after 15+ years. In active addiction for the entire marriage....

My question is simple I guess...maybe not? idk.

When do you start to feel again? I have finally reached the biggest hurdle of my life...the decision to leave my addict and raise my children on my own (not without many many years of codependency, of course...) I realize that that I had to literally "shut down" emotionally ---basically CHECK OUT---to survive, raise my children, provide some stability for the family, maitain a career...etc...while I lived w/my addict and all the crisis, abuse, suicide attempts, job losses, lies, $ squandering, manipulation, etc....that was present in my life.

But now... I am just really struggling...I'm sooo far removed from "feeling" anything anymore...It seems I have forgotten how to engage emotionally with people. I feel as empty and void of "reaction" to my surroundings and those around me. Is it normal to feel like it is difficult to respond to people in a "sensitive" way? I used to...many many years ago..but now I feel like I can't even cry over or engage in loving ways to the people I do love and care about. It's really difficult for me to reach out and touch or hug someone who is experiencing their own hurt.

Does this ever change??? It's an extremely lonely feeling--and ends up hurting those who need to feel mutual love reciprocated...but I can't seem to return it? I stand there stone faced..nothing to say. If I do, it feels forced...and unreal. Yet, everyone compliments me on how strong of a person I am...like it's a badge of honor of some kind! I'm so tired and exhausted of being a "strong" person--withstanding tough situations...raising 2 great kids, given their circumstances, ....being the rock! I'm really not! Quite frankly, I'm ready to step down...

I hate, hate, hate what living with my addict husband has done to this part of me...It feels like all the years living with the effects of this disease --it took my heart along with it...and I can't seem to find it.

I understand that learning to NOT be codependent is believing that you CAN make decisions, accomplish, face challenges, live a healthy lifestyle..etc....on your OWN....but I HAVE been doing this -while living with my addict-and it feels like it has left me heartless..and robot-like. Almost as if I'm just going through the motions...

Does this ever change? How do start to feel again? Is it wrong to say...I'm tired of leading this ship!!!!? I want someone else to take over for a while...so that I can breathe..and find my heart...I hate this. As a caregiver for so long...I just want to be CARED for too...is that so wrong.?

IDK...I don't feel much..but this struggle is the only thing that I can get emotional about...and weep about. I cry...because I can't cry...how sad it that...?

Chino

My RAD's addiction started in 2007 and she's clean a year now. I've been working a recovery program almost the entire time (12 steps and therapy). It's only in this last year that my emotions and physical demonstrations have started to become synchronized.

I have PTSD (30 years) and it's exactly what you've described. It's a learned response to trauma, the only way our minds can cope. It's like a total disconnect. People always talk about the flight or fight response, but PTSD can add another -- freeze.

Are you going to meetings or therapy? Reading self help books like Codependent No More? Your recovery is 100% up to you, please continue reaching out and finding the help you need.

I'm sorry you're suffering and you'll be in my prayers.

Honey5

Thanks Chino
I hadn't ever thought of it in that way..PTSD. Thank you for your kind words and prayer.

I've read every single recovery book, I think...I still read them daily morning and night. Codependent No More was a life jacket for me many years ago. I don't attend meetings anymore...I used to religiously...and it was in those meetings that I found that STRENGTH I speak of to push through and live a somewhat manageable existence with my soon to be ex. I am very grateful for that. But now...and in the last couple of years...it's becoming more and more aware to me that I've lost the ability to "care" because of living with an addict.

I remain hopeful but just so sad...like I'm missing out on something that everybody can experience..but I can't.

Honey5

Cynical One:
I have done it all (recovery work) it seems. In fact, it has helped me so much do the thing I couldn't do for years...divorce my addict..and move on. In the process of becoming strong...I shut down and had to check out...to do the hard stuff (living somewhat as manageable as I could w/an addict).

Can't lie, I think all of who have lived w/ the disease have reverted to white knuckling at times

Oliveoyl

Honey5 -

You described exactly the way that I felt a year to a year and a half ago. I was in the process of divorce and simply was numb. It was one step in front of the other a day at a time. I felt like a robot. I still feel this way @ times.

What really helped me is becoming social again, setting goals for myself, caring for myself. Exercising, eating right, reading non help books (I got so sick of the self help books. They did help, but after a while it was like reopening the same wounds). Started to just become normal again. It's definately been a slow process, but I'm reclaiming MY life. Alot of things with the divorce were SO intermingling. We owned rental houses together, taxes, names off of accounts, just seperating things was so tedious. Everytime I had to hurdle another obstacle because of his addiction it brought it up again and again.

I checked out because I had too. To face everything was too painful @ one time. But step by step I'm coming back. I try to read motivational quotes every day. Running and yoga has helped alot.

Just rambling I guess, but I can relate word by word with how you feel. I believe that I did suffer and still do from PTSD. It's something very real to be considered and not taking it lightly.

myernie

Honey- I have felt similar feelings lately. I used to be the emotional friend, saw the good everywhere friend but now it's not me. It is completely like I have changed and became someone different. Like my XABF broke me. I am determined to mend. After a lot of soul searching I have realized that I have to be numb now because in a way I used it as a coping mechanism but I will get back to me!

Good luck!

tam

honey5, I can relate to your post as well, after 26 years of marriage I am going through a divorce.
I have the exact feelings as you posted and I think its about loss of trust.
thats how I feel anyway, who do you trust again,how do you get close to someone again? where did my compassion go? I also feel betrayed , I believed in marriage, I believed and trusted in my AH and now this, if
he did this to me , someone I gave 1/2 my life too, whats next??

I will be honest and say I even lost trust in my HP.

Im only seperated little over a year and if I look back to then I do see
a big change in me. I think some days we just dont see the change
and ugly feelings pop up in our heads all over again. oftenly for me
my feelings are all over the board.

thankfully I have a good therapist who is helping me. she told me
that these feelings are completely normal in divorce and add to it
addiction and bam, we got a double whammy.

I also have joined a support group for divorce,seperated,widowed
people and that helps too, they also socialize but I have not gotten
that far yet to join in the events, but hope someday (a goal) is to
get futher out from under my shell.

thankfully I found my HP again. I go to church now and that really
is helping as well.


to keep busy I run and excercize and cook healthy meals..somedays
thats the hard part keeping busy thats when I find I have my worse
thinking,but heck we cant be busy 24/7..

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through and its great to talk about your feelings and coming here or attending support
groups surely helps as there are many a few steps in front of us and
many a few steps behind us..

stay strong and keep hope that time heals our wounds.
hugs