passionfruit

not coping well this am.

Sat morning before I left his residence, he had begun his manipulating, controlling, behaviors. As he played each one out, I pointed out to him what he was doing. (Now, you are mimicing me...control behavior; Now, you are twisting my words and putting the blame on me...manipulating behavior)

Then I said to him. "I can see you. I can see who you are. No more hiding behind your magic screen appearing to be what you want everyone to believe you are."

I left.

He did a couple of things to mutual online accounts that lead me to believe he is readying for a fight. I am convinced he is moving on. Before, he wasn't interested in separating anything because he believed I would be back.

I know I am readying to let go. I have been moving progressively towards it since moving out 5 weeks ago. Each day become easier to move on and harder to even think about possible change and reconciliation.

I panicked when I realized he was letting go. Scared of the fight, but more scared of being without him. No. More scared of being alone again...

I am going to be okay without him. I need to let go which I am, but it is scary!!

I am afraid and sad and need to stick to my guns............
:


I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be afraid.............

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Same here and about the same timing. We can do this!! We can move on to happy, fulfilling lives!

When you become weak, play back the craziness he does in your head. It helps. Mine just said this morning, it has been over a month, when are you going to forgive me, I have not drank since then? I got caught up in trying to explain myself and he doesn't get it. They don't get it and never will, if you ask me.

I keep singing that Christmas song about putting one foot in front of the other and soon you will be walking out the door!

theuncertainty

You can do this, Passionfruit. You are so much stronger than you know. You're not alone, we're here for you. It's not the same, I know, online vs F2F, but we're here.

I love this: Big, big, big old bear hug.

Shellcrusher

Hey Passion, you're doing something very liberating for yourself.

Keep walking tall.

transformyself

When my abandonment button gets pushed, I also panic. It's so familiar, familial actually. Abandonment is what I know most intimately, well I should say USED to be what I knew most intimately.

Today I also have experiences, like you illustrate here, with self sufficiency. Self love. I tentatively step out of my comfort zone and truly let go. That brings immediate relief- acceptance is my friend

I now know how much better I feel, have reference, for the benefits of letting go and having faith in my ability to be happy and take care of myself.

When I remember to tell myself the following phrases, amazing things happen. It shifts me from that scared little girl into the powerful, compassionate woman I want to be

I am leaving you now
This is my choice.
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
All is for my greater good.

Try it. I say it over and over until it takes hold over the programming of abandonment. Let me know if it helps!

passionfruit

I put it on sticky notes on my computer desktop.......will put on paper in my purse too.

abandonment huh?

Never considered that is what I was feeling..........

Midwestman

I am currently separated and living alone. It gets real lonely and sometimes even fearful when I dwell on what is happening to my life. Moving out and being alone with yourself is very tough. I was feeling a little depressed today. Then tonight I passed my house and my son let me in. I hugged my dog and he licked my face for about 10 minutes. That's all it took to snap me out of it. Now I sitting alone in my apt and I feel good. Funny how a dog can change your mood

transformyself

Dude, I'll never forget the day I realized all that horror and anxiety I feel is really just abandonment issues.

Someone, I think dear Wicked, started a book club online reading thingy with a book called Healing from Abandonment or something like that. It sure helped me and Girl, I am one helluva mess!

passionfruit

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

We will see what it has to say.

Thanks ........

NTurn

Hey Pass.>>>>great big hugs to you!
I am so sorry that you are feeling all the same feelings that I myself have... just recently went through. It not easy..heart breaking that feeling of being abandoned. I still have my days when it hits me. But it is getting easier, I know I will be alright without him, not my choice but i will be alright & so will you.
We need to look after ourselves, be kind to ourselves, you dont deserve this just as I didnt. We WILL be okay because we are strong people, we will cry but we wont die..let it get to our hearts which will break but we will heal, through time we will be alright. Be kind to yourself hun, stay strong & stay safe

transformyself

I just had a horrible exchange with my AH and wanted to let you know that this thread was constantly in my mind as he was threatening up and down.

He had a tantrum a few days ago about drinking and it's getting worse.

I'm so grateful I can see it for what it is. The hooks are still there, it takes a great deal of work to ignore them and do self care instead, but boy is it WORTH IT!

passionfruit

i know.. i know

One day at a time as cyranoak says........

passionfruit

I failed.
I seriously thought about not admitting that on here or to anyone I am seeking counsel with in person, mostly because I am ashamed.

I could see myself sneaking around, trying to still pretend I am being strong and succeeding. Then I realized that is what he would do, when he drank. That makes me no better than he.

Besides which, I am not growing or learning to take care of me, if I am lying to those around me, even more so, if I am lying to me.

His disease has become my disease. That is clear in the fact that I thought to even consider lying to people I have never personally met and have never judged my failures, who have only offered support and tried to help me see the ugly truth about my relationship. Noone knows who I really am, and yet, I feel the need to lie to protect the personna I built on here of trying to be strong. I need to be strong, so others can too. I am proud. I don't want anyone to know I failed.

However, something from AA kept running through my head. HOW (honest, open minded, willing)

Well, how can anyone help me? how can I help myself , if I am lying to both?

Noone can. So as of late yesterday evening, I admit, I broke. I failed.

I did not remain no contact. My boundary is poof.

Now begins the process to rebuild me. I have attended alanon 2x this week. I am seeing a DV counselor weekly. What more can I do?

I have learned in this book "Codependency, no more" that my own behaviors are as destructive as much as his alcoholic behaviors are.

Even though he is still sober (about 6 weeks) my behaviors have not changed.
I am/was still angry.

My daughter has these same behaviors. I witnessed a grand display of them yesterday. I realized standing there in that moment, she probably learned them from me. After all, I did raise her alone for 12 years. Now she is seeking solace in the arms of a controlling, manipulating, punk.

Sounds remarkably familiar, hey?

So based on the info that I probably taught my daughter these behaviors, it would stand to reason, I had these behaviors before I met AH.

It seems obvious to me I sought out the relationship I am in, 2 years ago, because of my unhealthy behavioral needs, thoughts, traits. In other words, had it not been this particular man, it would have been one with the same traits. No doubt.

So this begs the question: Where did my codependency begin? What caused it?

Or does that matter anymore? Do i have to trace the roots of my codependency beginnings to resolve them? Or can i simply let that go and change?

I got caught up in telling mh AH that he has to own each of his bad behaviors in order to change them. He insists that he has. He has a "blanket" owning, if you will.

He "fell out of walking with God." He was drinking too much, he knows this and owns it. He needed to quit and has done so. He did things when he was drinking that he would not normally do.

Is this enough? For him it is. A blanket "I owned what I did." In my mind, if I remember some awful thing hes done, we should talk about it and he should own it.

Is that my codependent behavior that needs him to own everything individually?

Where is the compassion for the A as I have heard many people talk about? I personally have had very little for mine up to now.

Doesn't everybody deserve forgiveness? I have no problem doing that for sometime, then, the anger comes back and I want him to own whatever I remembered him doing to me.

I also realized maybe I've been too hard on my daughter in the wrong ways. I tend to be too soft and then too hard.

I need to set reasonable boundaries, and hold her to them. I am starting today to repair my relationship with her. That is my goal for today. Start with an act of kindness, and compassion. Explain to her about boundaries and the ones I choose to set and why. Ask for her input.

I have been talking to her about codependency, and attending alanon but she will not hear of it. So, do I simply let that go? I am guessing yes is the answer to that.

Let me add, he's a real pr*ck even when he is sober, but the physical abuse and womanizing only happened when he was drinking. I don't deny they were ugly.

I am disappointed in myself for breaking the nc thing. I will probably continue with contact. I keep thinking he is sober, and my behavior since he has been sober have not changed. I have not given him the benefit of allowing him to try to repair the relationship because my codependent behavior continues.

If you see skewed thinking, please contribute. Help me see my way through this. TY

Anyhoo.

sailorjohn

"Willingness cannot be manufactured out of thin air. The addict has to earn it through pain".

Patrick Meninga

I feel the same is true of codependency. If you read some of my earlier posts here, you'll see exactly what I'm referring to.

For me, it finally reached the point where I was sick and tired enough to surrender. I laid down my 'weapons'.

So very ironic for me, a recovering alcoholic, to be unable to grasp that simple concept regarding alcoholism/addiction in another. I truly cannot control the behavior of another, I can merely protect myself.

I needed to let healthier people do my 'thinking' for me.

LaTeeDa

Wait a minute. Six weeks?? You expect years of habits and conditioning to be healed and fixed in six weeks?? He's trying to convince you that he's "all better" after six weeks??

I've been out of my marriage for almost six years, and I still catch myself reverting to old behaviors now and then. Not nearly as much, but yeah, it's still there. My healing is ongoing, and probably will be for life. So, give yourself a break. You're not going to completely change in six weeks.

Although you didn't say it, from reading your post I get the impression that maybe he's pressuring you to reconcile? If that's the case, I would be suspicious of his commitment to sobriety. Give it some more time--a lot more time--and see what happens.

Good luck with your daughter. I found that I had passed on a lot of my dysfunction to my children. A lot of that cannot be "undone," but setting a better example, being a better role model--that, I can do.

L