not sure what to do anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: virginia
Posts: 3
not sure what to do anymore my mom is a functioning alcoholic. she isn't s drunk. but she gets a good buzz every night, and on weekends she gets too drunk to function. this is a constant. if she doesn't have work the next day you can expect her to be drunk, and if she goes out with anyone you can expect a drunk.
my brother, dad, and i have all tried talking to her about this problem, but she's blind to it. unfortunately i'm the only one living in the house, my parents are divorced and my brother has moved out. she refuses to see the problem and when we do convince her to lighten up on the drinking, she always snaps back.
the problem is her mom, my grandmother, who is also an alcoholic. but is also blind to it and my moms. my mom is also blind to hers. basically i'm surrounded by blind drunks. my grandmother comes to visit once a month, at the least, and stays for the weekend. and the two or three nights that she's here, they are both just completely trashed. every single night. and it gets out of hand sometimes. whenever my mom has tried to quit drinking, her mom is the reason why she snaps back to it. my grandmother has forced my mom to believe that she is inferior and taught her that she will never be accepted. my mom also has horrible spending habits and holds herself way too high but that's another story. my mom won't tell my mom that she's trying to cut back or quit drinking, because she knows she won't be accepted anymore. she knows that my grandmother will put her down, instead of congratulating her.
the drinking is also starting to escalate. my mom keeps two boxes of wine in her bathroom at all times. and when i've confronted her she always changes the subject. she is going out more often and she often drinks and drives. there have been nights where she hasn't come home and i've had to call all around town trying to find her. she also sleeps all day after she's been drinking and has missed work on several occasions because of it. she doesn't get aggressive when she's drunk, she's just very short fused. she gets mad if i try to talk to her about certain things and is extremely defensive.
my dad has tried to talk to her several times about it, and how its affecting me but it's really not his place anymore and he lives in another state so it's a challenge.my brother has also confronted her, and it's never worked. unfortunately i haven't directly been able to confront it because she still views me as a little kid and won't take any advice from me, though i act like more of an adult than she does. she doesn't realize how much she's forced me to grow up. i'm 17 years old, still in highschool, and i'm forced to act like i'm over 20 sometimes, because of her. all of this has started deeply affecting me emotionally, to the point where i don't want to live here anymore. but i know that without me in the house she would lose any control that she still has over herself.
i just don't know what to do anymore, and i need some help.
my brother, dad, and i have all tried talking to her about this problem, but she's blind to it. unfortunately i'm the only one living in the house, my parents are divorced and my brother has moved out. she refuses to see the problem and when we do convince her to lighten up on the drinking, she always snaps back.
the problem is her mom, my grandmother, who is also an alcoholic. but is also blind to it and my moms. my mom is also blind to hers. basically i'm surrounded by blind drunks. my grandmother comes to visit once a month, at the least, and stays for the weekend. and the two or three nights that she's here, they are both just completely trashed. every single night. and it gets out of hand sometimes. whenever my mom has tried to quit drinking, her mom is the reason why she snaps back to it. my grandmother has forced my mom to believe that she is inferior and taught her that she will never be accepted. my mom also has horrible spending habits and holds herself way too high but that's another story. my mom won't tell my mom that she's trying to cut back or quit drinking, because she knows she won't be accepted anymore. she knows that my grandmother will put her down, instead of congratulating her.
the drinking is also starting to escalate. my mom keeps two boxes of wine in her bathroom at all times. and when i've confronted her she always changes the subject. she is going out more often and she often drinks and drives. there have been nights where she hasn't come home and i've had to call all around town trying to find her. she also sleeps all day after she's been drinking and has missed work on several occasions because of it. she doesn't get aggressive when she's drunk, she's just very short fused. she gets mad if i try to talk to her about certain things and is extremely defensive.
my dad has tried to talk to her several times about it, and how its affecting me but it's really not his place anymore and he lives in another state so it's a challenge.my brother has also confronted her, and it's never worked. unfortunately i haven't directly been able to confront it because she still views me as a little kid and won't take any advice from me, though i act like more of an adult than she does. she doesn't realize how much she's forced me to grow up. i'm 17 years old, still in highschool, and i'm forced to act like i'm over 20 sometimes, because of her. all of this has started deeply affecting me emotionally, to the point where i don't want to live here anymore. but i know that without me in the house she would lose any control that she still has over herself.
i just don't know what to do anymore, and i need some help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, that's a lot for a seventeen-year-old to be dealing with.
Is there a counselor at school you could talk to about this, or any of your friends' parents?
You already realize that there isn't much you can do to get an alcoholic to quit drinking. There are groups called Alateen and Al-Anon (you could go to either) that can help you cope with the craziness.
If living with your dad or the family of one of your friends is an option, that might help you. You can't be expected to babysit your mom for the rest of your life. Sooner or later she is going to be by herself, and it is her choice whether to choose to recover or to keep drinking.
Glad you're here with us--hope you will stick around. And try some of those meetings--it's great to be with other people going through the same things.
Is there a counselor at school you could talk to about this, or any of your friends' parents?
You already realize that there isn't much you can do to get an alcoholic to quit drinking. There are groups called Alateen and Al-Anon (you could go to either) that can help you cope with the craziness.
If living with your dad or the family of one of your friends is an option, that might help you. You can't be expected to babysit your mom for the rest of your life. Sooner or later she is going to be by herself, and it is her choice whether to choose to recover or to keep drinking.
Glad you're here with us--hope you will stick around. And try some of those meetings--it's great to be with other people going through the same things.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find support and information here.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
When I first came to this forum, I was introduced to the three C's of alcoholism.
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
I was exhausted from trying to control, fix and anticipate my alcoholic's moods and next binge.
I also discovered that I was as consumed by my alcoholic as my alcoholic was with the bottle.
I did some reading, learned what I could about alcoholism and asked questions. It helped to hear other's experiences. I realized I was not alone.
Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages. Here is one of my favorite stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You will find support and information here.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
When I first came to this forum, I was introduced to the three C's of alcoholism.
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
I was exhausted from trying to control, fix and anticipate my alcoholic's moods and next binge.
I also discovered that I was as consumed by my alcoholic as my alcoholic was with the bottle.
I did some reading, learned what I could about alcoholism and asked questions. It helped to hear other's experiences. I realized I was not alone.
Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages. Here is one of my favorite stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
LeftFootPrints, thank you for posting and sharing your situation with us. 
I too was raised in an alcoholic home and understand what you are going through. I know it is a very difficult way to live your life. My father is an alcoholic and what you say here about your mom:
was true in my circumstances too. My father is still this way with me and I am over 40 years old!
Here is a link to AlAnon/Alateen: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico Here you can search and find a meeting in your area. AlAnon helped me to understand how growing up in an alcoholic home affected me and it taught me the tools I needed to learn to deal with alcoholism.
About this LeftFootPrints:
Your mother is an adult. And as an adult she is responsible for her own health, safety, and behavior. Not you. I know it is difficult not to worry and feel that you need to take care of her but honestly, you need to take care of YOU FIRST. At 17, I left home because the alcoholism had gotten so bad I just could not live there anymore. Is there a place you can go such as your dad's or a friend's to live while you finish out high school?
I too was raised in an alcoholic home and understand what you are going through. I know it is a very difficult way to live your life. My father is an alcoholic and what you say here about your mom:
i haven't directly been able to confront it because she still views me as a little kid and won't take any advice from me, though i act like more of an adult than she does.
Here is a link to AlAnon/Alateen: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico Here you can search and find a meeting in your area. AlAnon helped me to understand how growing up in an alcoholic home affected me and it taught me the tools I needed to learn to deal with alcoholism.
About this LeftFootPrints:
i know that without me in the house she would lose any control that she still has over herself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
LeftFootPrints, here is also a link to some information written for teenagers with alcoholic parents.
Coping With an Alcoholic Parent
It provides information on:
•Why Do People Drink Too Much?
•How Does Alcoholism Affect Families?
•What If a Parent Doesn't See a Problem?
•Why Do I Feel So Bad?
•What Can I Do?
(((hugs))) I hope you keep coming here and posting.
Coping With an Alcoholic Parent
It provides information on:
•Why Do People Drink Too Much?
•How Does Alcoholism Affect Families?
•What If a Parent Doesn't See a Problem?
•Why Do I Feel So Bad?
•What Can I Do?
(((hugs))) I hope you keep coming here and posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Left,
Sorry you are in this situation. AlAnon or Alateen sounds like a good idea.
Number one, you MUST not take on the responsibility of minding your mother!
You are then in essence, minding her alcoholism.
Take a step back. Think of your house as mere lodging.
You do your thing. Say to both your mother and grandmother, "I am sorry, but it appears you are both stupid drunk again so I will go and be with my friends"
Go stay with your friends overnight and experience some normalcy.
You can also go spend time with your brother. If it is something that is possible, could you go stay with your dad or brother?
You are afraid to let your mother alone, but she will be fine.
Meantime you are wiring yourself now for life. These are your formative years and they are very important. You say you act like someone over 20 but you ARE 17 and should only be 17. Read all the stickies here and detach. You have no control over your mother/grandmother but you do have control over you and your future.
I like to say, if this was your friend, what would you advise? Take yourself out of the equation for a minute and think. Is it fair and responsible of them to have you live like this? Be good to yourself. Your mother must take responsibility for herself.
I am quite sure your mother loves you very much, but this is not about love.
She is incapable of doing the right thing because of drink.
You can love your mother without being her hostage. She does not get to control you just because she gave birth to you. She gets your love and respect when she earns it.
Sorry you are in this situation. AlAnon or Alateen sounds like a good idea.
Number one, you MUST not take on the responsibility of minding your mother!
You are then in essence, minding her alcoholism.
Take a step back. Think of your house as mere lodging.
You do your thing. Say to both your mother and grandmother, "I am sorry, but it appears you are both stupid drunk again so I will go and be with my friends"
Go stay with your friends overnight and experience some normalcy.
You can also go spend time with your brother. If it is something that is possible, could you go stay with your dad or brother?
You are afraid to let your mother alone, but she will be fine.
Meantime you are wiring yourself now for life. These are your formative years and they are very important. You say you act like someone over 20 but you ARE 17 and should only be 17. Read all the stickies here and detach. You have no control over your mother/grandmother but you do have control over you and your future.
I like to say, if this was your friend, what would you advise? Take yourself out of the equation for a minute and think. Is it fair and responsible of them to have you live like this? Be good to yourself. Your mother must take responsibility for herself.
I am quite sure your mother loves you very much, but this is not about love.
She is incapable of doing the right thing because of drink.
You can love your mother without being her hostage. She does not get to control you just because she gave birth to you. She gets your love and respect when she earns it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: virginia
Posts: 3
i would go live with my dad as it still is an option, but he would rather me not because the school system where he lives is complete crap and he wants me to get a good education, that's his biggest thing for me. he doesn't want me to move in with him unless it's a last resort. my other grandma lives down the street and i can go over there and spend the night as often as i'd like when her drinking gets out of hand, and i do sometimes. i'm usually able to find a friends house to stay at on weekends or i go out and come home late enough so i can just go to bed and not deal with it. i can also go to my brothers house, but i feel bad because he has his own life now and he just lives in an apartment with his roommate and there isn't much room. but when my grandmother comes into town i feel obligated to at least spend one night at home because she is my grandma and i love seeing my grandpa too. i love them when they aren't drinking.
i've thought about going to one of the alateen meetings, they have a few in my area. but i hate talking about the problems. i always end up in tears and it's honestly embarrassing.
i'm trying to just stay in the house as long as i possibly can, i turn 18 in a few months so if it gets to a point where i don't want to be there i have a few friends that are older and i could possibly get an apartment with or something, but i'd rather live in a house without rent for as long as possible and save my money. i'm only a junior, i'm old for my grade. so i still have another year left. i'm planning on going to college near my dad so i don't have to be around her then.
my dad really wants me to stay in the house as long as i can though, and unless it gets abusive he would rather not have to deal with getting me out of there with all of the legal stuff, and i understand where he's coming from.
it's just hard dealing with all of the emotional pain this puts me through, especially because my mom hides her drinking from me as much as she can and it keeps me from knowing how much she's really drinking and how much she's harming herself.
i've thought about going to one of the alateen meetings, they have a few in my area. but i hate talking about the problems. i always end up in tears and it's honestly embarrassing.
i'm trying to just stay in the house as long as i possibly can, i turn 18 in a few months so if it gets to a point where i don't want to be there i have a few friends that are older and i could possibly get an apartment with or something, but i'd rather live in a house without rent for as long as possible and save my money. i'm only a junior, i'm old for my grade. so i still have another year left. i'm planning on going to college near my dad so i don't have to be around her then.
my dad really wants me to stay in the house as long as i can though, and unless it gets abusive he would rather not have to deal with getting me out of there with all of the legal stuff, and i understand where he's coming from.
it's just hard dealing with all of the emotional pain this puts me through, especially because my mom hides her drinking from me as much as she can and it keeps me from knowing how much she's really drinking and how much she's harming herself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Wow, you're strong. Really really strong. I'm so impressed. And yet, you definitely need support, in the form of counselling, Al-Anon and SR. I'm glad you found this place.
In your post, you mention a lot of obligations you or others have put on you. From my perspective it seems like your father is putting the responsibility to keep an eye out on your mother on your shoulders. I may be wrong, but that's the way it seems and it's not fair.
With regards to seeing your grandparents, I totally get it, however you could set some boundaries for yourself and continue to see them. For example, you could tell yourself that you'll spend time with your grandparents but if anyone gets blotto, you reserve the right to remove yourself from the situation.
I understand how difficult it must be to deal with the addiction of family members, but family member or not, the 3 C's still apply:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
I do hope you keep coming back here to read and post a whole bunch.
In your post, you mention a lot of obligations you or others have put on you. From my perspective it seems like your father is putting the responsibility to keep an eye out on your mother on your shoulders. I may be wrong, but that's the way it seems and it's not fair.
With regards to seeing your grandparents, I totally get it, however you could set some boundaries for yourself and continue to see them. For example, you could tell yourself that you'll spend time with your grandparents but if anyone gets blotto, you reserve the right to remove yourself from the situation.
I understand how difficult it must be to deal with the addiction of family members, but family member or not, the 3 C's still apply:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
I do hope you keep coming back here to read and post a whole bunch.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's OK to cry at an Al-Anon or Alateen meeting. Lots of people do at one time or another--it isn't like you'll be the first one to cry! I've heard a lot of people cry through lots of meetings, especially in the beginning or when something really bad happens or when they are just totally stressed out.
Nobody will think badly of you--they understand because they are dealing with the same things with their parents, brother or sister, grandparents, aunts/uncles, best friends, boyfriends and girlfriends. Being around alcoholic drinking is very stressful to families and friends. Please at least try a meeting or two. I think you would find it really helpful.
I hope you will keep posting here a whole bunch, too!
Hugs,
Nobody will think badly of you--they understand because they are dealing with the same things with their parents, brother or sister, grandparents, aunts/uncles, best friends, boyfriends and girlfriends. Being around alcoholic drinking is very stressful to families and friends. Please at least try a meeting or two. I think you would find it really helpful.
I hope you will keep posting here a whole bunch, too!
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I have a 17 year old daughter who is a junior in high school. Her dad and I are divorced.
If you were my daughter, I would be very proud of how strong you are. I would want you to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I have cried at those too. It's a good thing, it's a safe place to cry.
You have your whole life ahead of you, I can see that you love your mom, but truly, you are not at all responsible for her behavior. And it can hurt you so much. You deserve to enjoy these special high school years.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts to you.
If you were my daughter, I would be very proud of how strong you are. I would want you to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I have cried at those too. It's a good thing, it's a safe place to cry.
You have your whole life ahead of you, I can see that you love your mom, but truly, you are not at all responsible for her behavior. And it can hurt you so much. You deserve to enjoy these special high school years.
Sending hugs and positive thoughts to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
I agree with Noday about your Dad,s possible motives either consciously or unconsciously.
He is not there. Why does he get a choice? He gets to "separate/divorce and you should stay????!!!!! Go stay with Granny down the road.
And as for your obligation to be there overnight!!!! When drinking granny comes to visit!!!!, Holy smokes girl, you owe them nothing! If you are at sober granny's house, you can visit and as soon as the bottle comes out, you are out!
Get back to us. Also regarding crying at Alanon/Alateen, No problem. I have bawled my eyes out at meetings. So has just about everyone, and that is the point. It is about you and your needs. If it makes you cry, you need a place to share and get support.
Big hugs.
He is not there. Why does he get a choice? He gets to "separate/divorce and you should stay????!!!!! Go stay with Granny down the road.
And as for your obligation to be there overnight!!!! When drinking granny comes to visit!!!!, Holy smokes girl, you owe them nothing! If you are at sober granny's house, you can visit and as soon as the bottle comes out, you are out!
Get back to us. Also regarding crying at Alanon/Alateen, No problem. I have bawled my eyes out at meetings. So has just about everyone, and that is the point. It is about you and your needs. If it makes you cry, you need a place to share and get support.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Just about everyone cries at alanon meetings, especially their first several months. Sometimes people cry that have been going for years when something happens.
If there's any place that it's safe to cry in public--alanon gets my vote as the safest.
I cried. At several. I was handed tissues like it is the usual thing to expect of especially new people who are just beginning to find support and voice their problems publicly.
Everyone who is there is, or has been in pain, similar to yours. They will understand you, they too have felt the same helpless emotions to do anything about the drinker in their life.
On the flip side of everything bad that happens to us, something good comes out of it too.
You are more mature than most girls this age. Realize that this will give you strength where they might have none, coping skills they have no idea about, and a respect for sobriety that they might never know.
Take care of number 1--that's you. Your whole life is ahead of you--and it only gets easier as you get to finally make all your own decisions, especially when and when not to be around any bad behavior. You know intimately the results of bad behaviors from watching it. Other kids will go off and do lots of drugs and alcohol, you will be smarter.
If there's any place that it's safe to cry in public--alanon gets my vote as the safest.
I cried. At several. I was handed tissues like it is the usual thing to expect of especially new people who are just beginning to find support and voice their problems publicly.
Everyone who is there is, or has been in pain, similar to yours. They will understand you, they too have felt the same helpless emotions to do anything about the drinker in their life.
On the flip side of everything bad that happens to us, something good comes out of it too.
You are more mature than most girls this age. Realize that this will give you strength where they might have none, coping skills they have no idea about, and a respect for sobriety that they might never know.
Take care of number 1--that's you. Your whole life is ahead of you--and it only gets easier as you get to finally make all your own decisions, especially when and when not to be around any bad behavior. You know intimately the results of bad behaviors from watching it. Other kids will go off and do lots of drugs and alcohol, you will be smarter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: virginia
Posts: 3
thank you all so much, this is helping me kind of realize where things stand.
i guess this is way more of a problem than i originally made it out to be. i think i'll look into going to one of the alanon meetings and see how i feel about it, maybe it'll help me out.
and i guess i really don't have any obligations to them if they're causing all of this, i may have to rethink a few things.
i guess this is way more of a problem than i originally made it out to be. i think i'll look into going to one of the alanon meetings and see how i feel about it, maybe it'll help me out.
and i guess i really don't have any obligations to them if they're causing all of this, i may have to rethink a few things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
footprints,
i too would urge you to attend alateen. please push yourself out of your comfort zone to do so. you may not have a transformation at the first meeting, but there are strangers in that room waiting to be your friend.
welcome to sober recovery. please keep coming around.
i too would urge you to attend alateen. please push yourself out of your comfort zone to do so. you may not have a transformation at the first meeting, but there are strangers in that room waiting to be your friend.
welcome to sober recovery. please keep coming around.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yay! Yes, I think you're smart to treat this seriously in terms of how it affects you. You are about to be taking SATs and applying to colleges soon--you don't need all kinds of worries to distract you from that. Some worry is inevitable, but you don't want it taking over your life.
Keep us posted on how it goes.
Keep us posted on how it goes.
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