gettingtoknowme

I am trying to figure things out day by day... My wife is a recovering addict. She has been clean for some 40+ days now. My problem/question that I am begining to wonder is this. Is she hiding in her recovery? We had alot of issues as she went through her 4 year long addiction. Trust gone along time ago.... I am starting to experience her asking me to do things for her that she is plenty capable of doing herself. I am trying to make her take responsibility for her own actions. I have been told that addicts hate to be told "NO" and that they hate to be held accountable. My problem is that I have my own issues that I am going to be working on and I need her to be accountable for her recovery as well as being accountable for taking care of the kids sometimes. Is that asking too much this early in her recovery? Anyone that has any insight I would GREATLY appreciate it!!

Thanks

Impurrfect

(((Gettingtoknowme))) - I can only tell you of my experience, as an RA. I wasn't given the luxury of having anyone do anything for me. Some people think you have to be careful...anything may send them back to using.

Trust me, I'm not going to use unless I want to. What someone else does, well..they don't have that power.

I was in severe financial despair, had lost my job, owed a ton of money, and was back living at home as I can't afford a place of my own.

I got another job, I dealt with the "trust issue" by letting my family know where I was going, calling if I was going to be late. If they called me and I couldn't answer, I'd call back ASAP because my not answering their calls was one of the first signs I was up to no good. I was expected to help around the house...I paid rent, until I had to get a lower paying job and couldn't.

No one walked on eggshells around me. If I was asked to do something, I did it. Early recovery isn't easy, but when we are accountable and responsible, it gives us a good feeling that "yes, I did this". I don't discount the emotional and sometimes financial support I've been given from my family, because I'm doing everything I possible can to get out of this financial mess...working at least 2 jobs, back in school (paid for by grants).

You're responsibility is to work YOUR recovery. I know of another woman here that got out of rehab, had no car and kids to take care of. She found a job she could walk to, got child care for her kids and continued to work on her recovery.

Boundaries are things you set for yourself...like "I will not do -----, when that is her responsibility and she's perfectly capable of doing it". Trust me....when we were using, we could ALWAYS find a way to get what we wanted. Recovery is learning to use that ability to grow up and take care of ourselves.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Taking5

Drud test her. This is a completely reasonable thing to do and if she pitches a fit, it is a big red flag. Home drug tests are cheap and reliable. After a period of time with good tests AND good behavior, the tests go away. If bad behavior resurfaces, the tests come back.

Ultimately trust will return with consistent good behavior over time. She needs to understand this and understand that drug testing is an interim step down this path.

outtolunch

Lots of people do not want to take responsiblity for themselves. Some of them are addicts/alcoholics. It only flies when there is someone ready, willing and able to do for them, what they can do for themselves.

Giving someone the digity of being responsible for themselves is a gift.

outtolunch

Back when, I tried this approach with my daughter. I became her warden. Eventually, I determined that this was not the role I wanted for myself.
Hovering over my daughter while she peed, swabbing her mouth or clipping a sample of hair was not how I wanted to live my life.

Everyone is one lousy decision away from a disaster.

Chino

Newly recovering addicts are chemically imbalanced and some go through PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome). Your wife could be pulling the wool over your eyes (old drug habits die very hard) or she could be depressed and need help from a psychiatrist/addictionologist. It is her responsibility to claim all aspects of her recovery, including asking for help from professionals.

My 23 year old daughter is one year clean (opiates) and her behavior reflects it. Still, every blue moon she'll try to fly an excuse by me for something, instead of a valid reason. Two weeks ago I said I needed confirmation from her doctor if there's a medical reason for her inability to do something, otherwise it's a bunch of verbal vomit (her phrase I've since borrowed). She snapped out of it really fast and said she was just whining.

TheReader

I reread your post and wonder if this behavior of "asking you to do things for her" is new behavior for her. I am an addict, but I have always been a people-pleaser as an addict (off and on for 20 yrs); always trying to do things for others and make them happy. I shopped for groceries, did all the errands, cleaned the house, never asked for help. I don't know if I was unusual, but I was overly accountable while using for everything outside of pills and had no problem with "No". This could be, however, due to the fact that I lived with an AH for 25 yrs until he entered recovery 5 yrs ago.
I am finding that in recovery, the fog has lifted, and I am beginning to see that I need to put myself first more and take care of myself or I am no good to those I love. Again, I don't know what her behavior was like during those 4years, but this is my own story for what it is worth.