New, could use advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
New, could use advice?
Hello I'm new here. I've been reading posts all morning. I've been drinking too much and I need to cut back. I could use some help and definitely some advice.
I'm in my mid-thirties and have been drinking since high school. My wife and I got married five years ago; we dated for three years prior. We both are drinkers. Up until a few years ago, I'd say we where social drinkers. But the last few years have been really tough and we became fairly heavy drinkers. In that time my father lost a hard battle with cancer, and then my mother got cancer. She survived. We also had our salaries literally cut in half.
So my wife started buying vodka, because it's cheaper than wine. My tolerance for alcohol became very high. We've been averaging a bottle of booze a night. Some days if we go out to dinner or meet friends it's more than that.
Now, I feel like instead of masking our problems with booze, the booze is the problem. I'd really like to figure out how to stop or cut back to a healthy level. I understand that may not be possible. To be very honest, I don't have a strong desire to give up alcohol completely. I'd just like to get it under control. Of course I've been failing at this, which is why I'm on this website.
The thing is I'm not sure if I can get this under control without my wife on board. We talk about cutting back all the time, but we totally enable each other's drinking. So I'm not sure what to do.
Maybe I'm like a lot of people, but AA doesn't sound like a picnic. And a life without drinking seems kind of boring to me. However I really do not want to have anything bad happen as a result of my drinking, like health problems, car accidents, dui, etc.
You know if I came on here and said I really wanted to quit, I would be being honest. I do want to get a handle on things. And I need to figure out how to make that happen pronto. Does that make sense? Please let me know what you think.
I'm in my mid-thirties and have been drinking since high school. My wife and I got married five years ago; we dated for three years prior. We both are drinkers. Up until a few years ago, I'd say we where social drinkers. But the last few years have been really tough and we became fairly heavy drinkers. In that time my father lost a hard battle with cancer, and then my mother got cancer. She survived. We also had our salaries literally cut in half.
So my wife started buying vodka, because it's cheaper than wine. My tolerance for alcohol became very high. We've been averaging a bottle of booze a night. Some days if we go out to dinner or meet friends it's more than that.
Now, I feel like instead of masking our problems with booze, the booze is the problem. I'd really like to figure out how to stop or cut back to a healthy level. I understand that may not be possible. To be very honest, I don't have a strong desire to give up alcohol completely. I'd just like to get it under control. Of course I've been failing at this, which is why I'm on this website.
The thing is I'm not sure if I can get this under control without my wife on board. We talk about cutting back all the time, but we totally enable each other's drinking. So I'm not sure what to do.
Maybe I'm like a lot of people, but AA doesn't sound like a picnic. And a life without drinking seems kind of boring to me. However I really do not want to have anything bad happen as a result of my drinking, like health problems, car accidents, dui, etc.
You know if I came on here and said I really wanted to quit, I would be being honest. I do want to get a handle on things. And I need to figure out how to make that happen pronto. Does that make sense? Please let me know what you think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Welcome Bob.
Thank you for taking the first step; that takes balls.
Sounds like you already have some pretty good insight.
I am not sure what to tell you about your wife's drinking...I haven't been in this situation.
Many, if not most, people think life will be boring without alcohol. I've spent over 30 years on and off drinking and various substances...I've had a very interesting life so far and I can say without one shred of doubt that the highest highs, the best sex, the most enriching experiences, the funnest and wildest times....straight and sober.
AA isn't your only choice. There are many paths to becoming sober. AA has been working for me thus far and works for many people but it's up to you to figure out the path that works for you. Keep reading and posting here.
Thank you for taking the first step; that takes balls.
Sounds like you already have some pretty good insight.I am not sure what to tell you about your wife's drinking...I haven't been in this situation.
Many, if not most, people think life will be boring without alcohol. I've spent over 30 years on and off drinking and various substances...I've had a very interesting life so far and I can say without one shred of doubt that the highest highs, the best sex, the most enriching experiences, the funnest and wildest times....straight and sober.
AA isn't your only choice. There are many paths to becoming sober. AA has been working for me thus far and works for many people but it's up to you to figure out the path that works for you. Keep reading and posting here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi and Welcome!
I know it's a scary thought to think of not drinking anymore, but if you're an alcoholic, that's the only way. If you're not an alcoholic, you might be able to moderate your drinking. I think most, if not all of us here, have tried to moderate our drinking with no success. The way to start is to stop drinking today. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed.
If you decide to stop drinking, you don't need your wife on board. Sure, that would be nice, but really, your recovery is your own personal journey. You need to do it for yourself.
If you decide to stop drinking, it's a good idea to talk to your dr because it can be dangerous to detox from alcohol.
I know it's a scary thought to think of not drinking anymore, but if you're an alcoholic, that's the only way. If you're not an alcoholic, you might be able to moderate your drinking. I think most, if not all of us here, have tried to moderate our drinking with no success. The way to start is to stop drinking today. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed.
If you decide to stop drinking, you don't need your wife on board. Sure, that would be nice, but really, your recovery is your own personal journey. You need to do it for yourself.
If you decide to stop drinking, it's a good idea to talk to your dr because it can be dangerous to detox from alcohol.
Moment of Conception
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Planet Tragedy
Posts: 453
Hi Bob, welcome to SR :-)
Def' some kind of counciling, someone to show you that life isnt boring without drinking at least!
Would you have said your life was boring before you ever touched a drop??!!
Thats just forgettimg how to enjoy yourself under your own steam.
Like, "sorry but i dont know how to do that, i need a drink first" How does that Sound?!
Perhaps there is a confidence issue somewhere.
Drink has a way of secretly draining away ones natural confidence related to many things. once its gone it can take a very long time to retrieve, but drink, and its there. And so may start the bad habit, addiction, dependency, alcoholism, very very poor life quality.
You are hearing the alarm bells my friend, get on the case both of you, and enjoy life again.
Its just where you left it, within reach. Go go!
Def' some kind of counciling, someone to show you that life isnt boring without drinking at least!
Would you have said your life was boring before you ever touched a drop??!!
Thats just forgettimg how to enjoy yourself under your own steam.
Like, "sorry but i dont know how to do that, i need a drink first" How does that Sound?!
Perhaps there is a confidence issue somewhere.
Drink has a way of secretly draining away ones natural confidence related to many things. once its gone it can take a very long time to retrieve, but drink, and its there. And so may start the bad habit, addiction, dependency, alcoholism, very very poor life quality.
You are hearing the alarm bells my friend, get on the case both of you, and enjoy life again.
Its just where you left it, within reach. Go go!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi NotBob
welcome
well, I tried cutting back, but it was too late for me to put the genie back in the bottle (no pun intended)
I guess you can do what we all did....if you want to try and cut back, give it a go (I'm assuming you haven't tried before)....
an even better test tho would be to go without booze for a while...say 30, 60 days?
If that sounds horrific you may already have a problem.
If you can cut back or quit for a period, then great - if not then maybe you need to do some more thinking?
D
welcome
well, I tried cutting back, but it was too late for me to put the genie back in the bottle (no pun intended)
I guess you can do what we all did....if you want to try and cut back, give it a go (I'm assuming you haven't tried before)....
an even better test tho would be to go without booze for a while...say 30, 60 days?
If that sounds horrific you may already have a problem.
If you can cut back or quit for a period, then great - if not then maybe you need to do some more thinking?
D
Last edited by Dee74; 02-21-2011 at 02:16 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
It sounds like you are pretty scared that you are going to become a drunk with all the physical, mental and social problems that come along with it. It's a good thing you are seriously looking at your situation. Life without booze is actually better than with it. It takes time to figure that out but it's true.
Welcome to SR, we are a supportive group.
SH
Welcome to SR, we are a supportive group.
SH
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
From personal experience I can only say that cutting back is impossible if you are used to drinking a bottle or half a bottle a night. Once the bottle is open -consider it empty.
I'm only clean for 25 days after a 30 year on/off relationship with Jack and Bud, but have struggled all that time so I understand your fear of relinquishing liquor all together forever. It can be a scary thought -how will I cope without it?
Ha...better than with it, if you are having all these issues and questions about using now.
How awesome would it be if you BOTH would quit? But I did not read anywhere in your post "my wife and I want to cut back" or "my wife and I want to quit"...so that leads me to believe you are on your own path and you need to follow your heart.
If your wife sees your success and change maybe she will follow your lead -but it has to be in her own time. This is not her time from what I've gathered from your post.
But...you have to make the decision yourself if you want to 'just cut back' or quit the poison. I hope the latter for you.
Stick around hopefully, we can influence you! In a good way, of course.
I'm only clean for 25 days after a 30 year on/off relationship with Jack and Bud, but have struggled all that time so I understand your fear of relinquishing liquor all together forever. It can be a scary thought -how will I cope without it?
Ha...better than with it, if you are having all these issues and questions about using now.
How awesome would it be if you BOTH would quit? But I did not read anywhere in your post "my wife and I want to cut back" or "my wife and I want to quit"...so that leads me to believe you are on your own path and you need to follow your heart.
If your wife sees your success and change maybe she will follow your lead -but it has to be in her own time. This is not her time from what I've gathered from your post.
But...you have to make the decision yourself if you want to 'just cut back' or quit the poison. I hope the latter for you.
Stick around hopefully, we can influence you! In a good way, of course.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
AA is a program of abstinence, with one membership requirement: a desire to stop drinking. So that won't fit what you are after.
Like many of the rest of the responders here, I tried moderation and it didn't work for me.
Like many of the rest of the responders here, I tried moderation and it didn't work for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
Hey Bob--
thanks for a really honest, thoughtful introduction.
The toughest part of this health problem called alcoholism is that there are no hard and fast answers. We find our own path, and I think your post is your effort to begin charting that path.
The magical question that we'd all love a quantitative answer to: at what point does my alcohol consumption cross over a line from something I control to something I no longer control? Well, let's look at some facts from your post:
1) your alcohol consumption has increased significantly
2) you are worried enough about it that you are doing some research and considering the possibility that you are an alcoholic
Well, all that means is that you are drinking more and you're worried. Let's look at the other side of the equation-- what effect does your increase in alcohol consumption have on your life?
All I see from your post is this-
"we've had our salaries nearly cut in half"
Now only you can answer if that is related in anyway to the increase in your alcohol consumption. Certainly plenty of people over the past few years have endured salary cuts without having an alcohol problem. But how about you and your wife? Is it related? A suggestion to give this thought a fair hearing-- instead of trying to prove that it isn't related to your drinking (the natural course most of us take), try proving that it is related to your drinking. That will ensure you take a more open view of it.
Now, how about just you and the booze? What's that relationship look like?
- are you planning your drinking? Thinking about it a couple hours before it starts?
- when was the last night you went to bed sober? How did that feel?
- are you upset or agitated when you are at events that don't serve alcohol? Or do you avoid them completely?
For the alcoholic, alcohol is an obsession. We think about it, make sure we're never really too far from it, and plan our lives around it. To be away from it is incomprehensible.
Which brings me to my next suggestion: if you believe you can cut back, do it. If you were expecting me to say, "hey Bob, moderation isn't going to work for you," how the hell would I know that? Try it. 2 drinks a night, nothing more. Do it for three months. What will that prove? I don't know an alcoholic who can control their drinking like that. I know alcoholics who can white-knuckle it and remain abstinent for years, but when you put them on the slippery slope of controlled drinking, they always lose.
The hardest part of getting sober is getting to the point where you realize you need to get sober. Denial is a dark thread that runs through alcoholism, and it is the reason alcoholism kills: people follow it right to their graves, unable to come to terms with their own reality. The fact that you are embarking on this process already speaks volumes for your chances at solving your problem.
Willingness, in so many forms, will become an important word as you move forward. Willingness to step outside yourself and consider, willingness to fail at efforts to control, willingness to accept powerlessness if that becomes obvious. And then willingness to do something about it.
thanks for a really honest, thoughtful introduction.
The toughest part of this health problem called alcoholism is that there are no hard and fast answers. We find our own path, and I think your post is your effort to begin charting that path.
The magical question that we'd all love a quantitative answer to: at what point does my alcohol consumption cross over a line from something I control to something I no longer control? Well, let's look at some facts from your post:
1) your alcohol consumption has increased significantly
2) you are worried enough about it that you are doing some research and considering the possibility that you are an alcoholic
Well, all that means is that you are drinking more and you're worried. Let's look at the other side of the equation-- what effect does your increase in alcohol consumption have on your life?
All I see from your post is this-
"we've had our salaries nearly cut in half"
Now only you can answer if that is related in anyway to the increase in your alcohol consumption. Certainly plenty of people over the past few years have endured salary cuts without having an alcohol problem. But how about you and your wife? Is it related? A suggestion to give this thought a fair hearing-- instead of trying to prove that it isn't related to your drinking (the natural course most of us take), try proving that it is related to your drinking. That will ensure you take a more open view of it.
Now, how about just you and the booze? What's that relationship look like?
- are you planning your drinking? Thinking about it a couple hours before it starts?
- when was the last night you went to bed sober? How did that feel?
- are you upset or agitated when you are at events that don't serve alcohol? Or do you avoid them completely?
For the alcoholic, alcohol is an obsession. We think about it, make sure we're never really too far from it, and plan our lives around it. To be away from it is incomprehensible.
Which brings me to my next suggestion: if you believe you can cut back, do it. If you were expecting me to say, "hey Bob, moderation isn't going to work for you," how the hell would I know that? Try it. 2 drinks a night, nothing more. Do it for three months. What will that prove? I don't know an alcoholic who can control their drinking like that. I know alcoholics who can white-knuckle it and remain abstinent for years, but when you put them on the slippery slope of controlled drinking, they always lose.
The hardest part of getting sober is getting to the point where you realize you need to get sober. Denial is a dark thread that runs through alcoholism, and it is the reason alcoholism kills: people follow it right to their graves, unable to come to terms with their own reality. The fact that you are embarking on this process already speaks volumes for your chances at solving your problem.
Willingness, in so many forms, will become an important word as you move forward. Willingness to step outside yourself and consider, willingness to fail at efforts to control, willingness to accept powerlessness if that becomes obvious. And then willingness to do something about it.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi NotBob - I think we all put off getting sober because we couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. The idea was scary to me too, but that in itself told me I had a real problem. After trying for years to drink "reasonably" I finally figured out that having an occasional drink with dinner would never work. It wasn't enough.....
There are other people on this forum who have gotten sober with spouses that still drink. Maybe you can talk to your wife and come up with a way to limit your exposure for the short term.
Hope you stick around - lots of great support here!
There are other people on this forum who have gotten sober with spouses that still drink. Maybe you can talk to your wife and come up with a way to limit your exposure for the short term.
Hope you stick around - lots of great support here!
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