Shellcrusher

I've had a thought that's been bothering me lately. Perhaps some of you longer time members have felt it and did something about it.

Here's the score. I'm here for support and I'm here to support. However, sometimes I feel the need to help people so much because they're doing exactly what I did and it turned out bad. Sometimes those threads don't particularly go anywhere. There's a few of them like that today. You probably know which ones I'm talking about.

Anyway, has anyone ever felt like spending time on SR kinda enforces codie behavior? I personally spend a good amount of time in here, reading, learning etc. There are days when I get home and I'm just kinda wound up. Do I dare say that I get caught back up in my old "drama" because I'm reading my life from a different author?

Suggestions? Don't tell me to take a break. I rely on this site immensely.

LexieCat

It helps me to detach from the other members here, just as I do with others I tend to "rescue".

Recognize that not everyone is ready to take decisive action. Share your ESH, and then let it go. I also work on realizing maybe another message from someone else might be more helpful than what I would repeat ad nauseum.

Yeah--I totally know what you're talking about.

Tuffgirl

Interesting viewpoint. I think some days its easy to get caught up in the drama given whatever frame of mind I am in at the moment. If I am angry with my A, and I read positive posts (like mine this morning) my first thought is "yeah right go on believin your own BS honey" and then I have to stop myself and think about why I would think something like that. To me, its a reminder to NOT be a codie.

If I feel particularly insightful, I find myself posting advice that probably isn't my place to be giving.

If I feel sad, I can easily emphasize with others' sadness at the situation and wallow right with them.

What I get out of this forum is different perspectives that given my lack of experience, I wouldn't otherwise have the knowledge to be aware of. But I have to be careful not to get so enmeshed in others' stories and advice that I forget I can, in fact, think for myself quite well.

stella27

I think the phenomenon you experience is "triggering" and without SR, I wouldn't know what it was or that other people do it, too. So even as SR F&F postings can trigger me - and they certainly can - it's a small price to pay for the education I get from all of you.

tallulah

No. I stay as detached as possible.. that's not to say I can't be concerned for, happy for, sympathise with, empathise with people.. but I don't get righteously offended or knotted up if they don't learn from my experiences etc.

I practice 'give what I can and leave them to it'.

Tx

wicked

I have gotten wound up too. Wanting to solve someone's problem.
Because I recognize the "drama" and want to help.
I guess what I have been doing is trying to recognize that, and just share experience strength and hope instead of my "solution".

Surely, someone will come along with a much better answer.

Beth

Thumper

I do know what you are saying. I try and remind myself to just answer the OP (I tend to veer sometimes), only say it once (I sometimes have the urge to say the same exact thing over and over in different ways), stick with my personal experiences, and not get caught up in correcting or debating other people (I have other boards I can debate on).

I do sometimes have to take stock to see that I am reading to move forward and not to be stuck.

jrlcpl

For some reason, I too am able to stay detached from postings I see on here. What I like so much about SR is the shear amount of information available and the vast amount of experience of the posters. For me personally, I like to read people's stories and how they dealt with it. That's why I like to go the posts from 1-2 years ago and see how things are now for those posters. Everyone is different and everyone must make their own choices and come to their own conclusions. My take is if see that someone is about to make a mistake, instead of stepping in and correcting the mistake let it happen so the person hopefully learns from it and does not repeat it. I have made many a mistake before I truley learned from it but I am a better man for it.

I often wonder about people who post and then you never see them again. I only hope things work out, but everyone must navigate their own journey in life. It's like they say "take what you want and leave the rest".

Learn2Live

I can't say that spending time on SR reinforces my codependence, although I do get overwhelmed sometimes at the number of new posters who arrive each day telling the same horrible story that we all have lived through in some form or another. The enormity of the problem of alcoholism become pretty obvious after you spend enough time here.

I do think that SR gives me an outlet for my desire to help people by sharing my ES&H. However, it took me a while in the beginning to get the hang of sharing without feeling the need to force my opinions on others. SR, for me, has been a great exercise in learning how to share with others and discover my own strengths and weaknesses. Yes, like Thumper says, I caught myself saying the same thing to the same person in multiple ways and that taught me how to just say it once. When I can't let go, I know there is something I need to work on.

I think it is easy to get caught up in someone else's life, even if they are just posting about it on a web page like this. For me, it can become an exercise in Detachment. This also has taught me how I think in terms of Right and Wrong, that is, me thinking I am "right" (for example, when I have been through something someone is posting about) and anyone who does not agree with me must be "wrong." When, in fact, there IS no right and wrong in this regard. Everyone has their own way of doing things, their own timing, and their own lives. All I can do is share myself and maybe something will be helpful.

When I feel triggered by a thread, especially if I find myself responding quickly to something someone has said, I stop myself, walk away and look within. Discovering and investigating my triggers here helps me to see how I am triggered, and react to those triggers, in my own life.

StarCat

It is easy to get wrapped up in the drama again, and want to swoop in and help and make everything okay.

It's important that people share their own stories, because then others can see that they really aren't alone, and some of the things others have tried, and what the outcomes were for those situations.

It's important to mention certain things - like "that's abuse" - because the poster may be thinking that, but afraid to voice it, convinced they're going crazy. I know that's how I felt, and you guys helped me out there, especially the "Why Does He Do That?" book. It's up to the poster to determine how to use that information.
Some of the comments when I was splitting from XABF were also helpful - park in a different place, did you change the locks, here are some numbers you can call - some of the things I knew, some I didn't, all was helpful, none was overbearing.

It is not good to come in announcing "NO YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
We each have our own issues here, and sometimes it's hard to put them aside to answer someone else. I think some of us keep trying to talk to the "past us" and save her/him before the same thing happens. When I feel strongly about a thread, I will either not post (if what I should be saying has already been said), or keep it about me and what I did (and reread multiple times before hitting that "Post" button).


I have a friend who is going through tougher times than me right now. In the beginning it was hard to talk to her, because it seemed to add all this drama to my life... But now I realize she just needs someone to talk to who understands the sorts of questions running in circles in her mind, she doesn't want me to solve anything for her. So I bought her the "Why Does He Do That?" book as a gift, because it helped me a lot and she was interested in my copy, and I just listen when she feels like talking about it, and we are all the closer for it.

HeyImme

This isn't exactly the same thing, but this thought has crossed my mind on several occassions: now that I am conscious of the reality of what I'm facing (see it for what it is rather than obsessively focusing on it and trying to SOLVE it, whatever I prevously thought "it" was or what caused "it") and once I have gathered enough information to handle it differently (focusing on my own well-being and learning to ACT on my own behalf rather than REACT to him), is spending too much time on the board or reading book after book that essentially say the same thing only another way of continually focusing on the alcohol rather than moving on to live my life? Am I setting myself up to become bogged down by negativity, the very thing I am trying to escape? Not sure what my answer is yet, but yeah, I ask similar sorts of questions from time to time...

Cyranoak

Shellcrusher. This is a very good observation, and I noticed a similar thing. A couple of strategies I've adopted, and try to follow with mostly success are as follows:

1. I do take a break every once in awhile.
2. I avoid posts where women are clearly being abused (screwed up on this, to my great regret, a couple of times).
3. Very rarely but when necessary I block specific people (there's an anti-AA person on here who makes things up, cherry picks information from the internet that supports their beliefs, and takes studies out of context and then posts them as fact to newbies. I finally realized it is a waste of time to argue with them, and that they are so detached from any kind of reality I recognize I simply had to block them). Unfortunately, they are dangerous to newcomers and I haven't figured a way around them other than ignoring them and hoping for the best.
4. I avoid posts that begin to be argumentative (althought sometimes I do kind of start it-- but I think that's a bad thing).

Lastly, and Dude to Dude, I noticed you have a tendency to tell people what to do rather than simply sharing your experience, or how certain things worked out for you. I recognize it because I have the same tendency. That said, I find your posts to be a positive part of the community so I hope you stay awhile.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

passionfruit

To quote Melody Beattie: It is heroic and lifesaving to learn how to not react and to act in more healthy ways.

Most of us, however, need help to learn to do that.

That takes time, years in some circumstances, less in others.

When people are addressing me, I hope they use constructive criticism, honestly spoken with gentle words. I believe direct honesty is as necessary as support is.

I may heed their words. I may not, depending on where I am at in my learning process.

I found it very overwhelming when i first arrived here. People spoke of codependency and nc. And I adopted those words without really knowing what they meant. I assumed I was codependent because I was here and married an alcoholic!!:rotfxko

I needed support, so I stuck around and started trying to learn. So very much to learn. Book after book.

Those that seem to go nowhere, I think may just need time.

Detachment? I am just now starting that chapter, so I can't really speak of it yet... lol

Getting caught in the drama? I probably do at this point...though I think that will not always be the case!!

tallulah

The trigger comment is bang on the money. The trick is to recognise it and step awaaaaaay from the catalyst.

Tx

Shellcrusher

Thanks for the participation. I knew I wasn't alone on this.

Cyranoak, Quote me and give me one of these if you catch me telling versus relating.

That is something my AW says about me and if you're seeing it, then she's probably not necessarily quacking but telling me something true. I know I do this, I want to work on it but sometimes I don't realize I'm doing it.

Thumper

Did you notice I went from here to another thread, got a little triggered, and promptly broke one of my very own rules within an hour. :tsk:

Shellcrusher

Babyblue

Not sure about the codependent thing but I know that when I post here it isn't helping with that whole 'detaching' thing so I try to remind myself to not get sucked in or not read every single post.

It would be nice to think that someone's story is going to be in an indicator of how someone else's would turn out but to me that is an oversimplification of a complex issue. It may or may not. So many other variables in place that the a post does not reveal.

In addition to triggers, there is a lot of projection that goes on (which happens when you are dealing with very personal and emotional issues). We see ourselves (or think we do) and try fix the mistakes we made through someone elses story.

Were it that easy...

Cyranoak

...I often miss it when I do it too. Let's do it through PM though.

Cyranoak

Jazzman

F&F is a place where codies come to for advice on how to fix their loved one and soon discover a butt load of other people that need fixing.