reggiewayne

I hate writing this, but the thought of drinking like a normal person has crept into my mind. I feel like a big phony for even writing this, but I need to be honest about this and get feedback.

I have been sober for 79 days. Longest stretch in my life. I have recently changed jobs and have thrown a big wrench in my schedule. The job change is a very positive one for my family and I. Today was the first day we have all been together at one time for entire day, in the past 10 months. My old work schedule made me work weekends. When I got off work yesterday I was thinking, man - your finally are back! You have the entire weekend off with your family, you have a steady job that pays the bills, you have your stuff together, why couldn't alcohol be a part of your life again?

The idea is - as long as I stay present for my family, help my wife, go to work and do well there, why couldn't I enjoy some beers in addition to all of that? The fear is, my history doesn't really support this theory. In the past, a few beers has always led to harder alcohol, which has lead to hangover, which has lead to anxiety, which has led to xannax, which has lead to a lethargic and unmotivated RW. Which leads to me not helping out nearly as much, which leads to my wife not being as happy with me, which leads me to be unhappier in life. etc....

The question here is could I balance it all now? Why couldn't I just keep doing what I'm doing with regards to being present in life and then still enjoy beers in on the weekend or after work? I am telling myself that I just won't drink hard liquor or take anything else.

My other thought is "I have quit for 79 days, I can quit again". In other words if it becomes a problem again, I'll just quit again.

I absolutely hate writing this, but this is what is going on my head. I went to a meeting today and I got a lot out of it, but I kept thinking, why couldn't I keep coming to the meetings and still have beers in the evening. I don't know... my thoughts are swirling right now. I have not drank and have no booze in the house so I know I won't tonight. I'll call my sponsor tomorrow.

The problem is when I get to feeling like this I feel like such a fraud / phony I don't typically ask for help. I just simply react to my feeling - which is to drink. Irritable, restless, and discontent.

The very first day my life gets back to a point of normalcy I want to add in alcohol. I hope this post doesn't anger anyone. I just am so conflicted right now.

notaloser

alcohol won't/can't add anything good back, it's a taker, and it could take it all away....do you want to risk that?

Dee74

It's what this thing does Reggie.

I can't tell you the times I laid off the booze, got some good things happening - decided that it was 'just a phase' (20 years yeah right) or 'I can obviously control myself now', 'I can have one or two' or the ever popular 'I've quit once I can quit again'

that last one cost me 2 solid years of drinking Reggie.

Go back and read all your posts here - right back to the start when you first came here - do you really want to open yourself up to even the chance of all that again?

Cos that's what you'd be doing.

Plug yourself into that support network, man
D

Sidney14

i can relate to how you feel once life as gone back to normalcy and people are starting to trust you again and life feels good again that is I guess when we have to be the most vigilent since there is no more drama in our lives.......where at least that is how it is for me. I have over four months up now previously i did managed to get up to nearly two years, so I know i can do it, my challenge is going past the nearly two year mark,,,,,,and as they say not get bored.... Alcohol will only take from you.

Zebra1275

Now, I know what a lot of you are going to say, "Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic". Let me stop you, I know I am. No doubt, no question about it. What my problem is (and this is the reason for my post) is it's tough for me to stop drinking when I don't see my life getting better anytime soon.

RW, I pulled this from your first post. If what you said in that post is accurate, then it seems like this will not end well.

There were many times I tried to moderate my drinking and I couldn't do it. I like beer, but it just doesn't do it for me anymore, I need to drink something harder with it. For me, that was vodka. My experience has been after long periods of soberity (months and even years) that when I pick up again, within a very short time I'm back to where I was before I quit. It's a progressive disease, alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and also very patient.

recoverywfaith

I have read some of your posts and have been inspired by your ESH. I have heard before don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle. You have your family, a good job, and are proud of yourself today because you are taking the right actions. So many of us alkies lose so much with the disease, please do not let it be you. Good action plan sharing here and calling sponser tomorrow. Maybe think of your last drunk as to never forget what it was like and ask your HP for strength.

justdave

Last time I quit I was almost 60 days sober. I thought I could manage limiting myself to a couple beers each night. I was wrong and in no time I was back to drinking heavily every night and drunk all weekend for the next 2-1/2 years.

Now I'm trying to completely abstain. Money problems and a damaged marriage, I can't afford to drink anymore!

CarolD

Prayers coming your way for a return to clear thinking.

doublecheck

It is kinda weird how if you feel better or do better then want to drink more it makes zero sense. Amazing how strong our mind is! It tries to create a reason to go back even though we all know there is nothing good that comes with it. Sometimes to get through this I just think about NOT wanting to start over.

artsoul

It's normal to have those thoughts - and very tempting to think "things have changed..... I'm stronger now..... Just a few won't hurt."

I guess the question would be: Why do you now think you need to add drinking to your life? What do you think it will do for you?

Only those of us who have this disease desire to "normally" when the truth is, having an occasional beer will only leave us wanting more...... Things are good today because we're not drinking.

Start a gratitude list...... Acknowledge your feelings - just don't act on them....... I'll be thinking of you.

recoverywfaith

Got this from a forum...may have been here...don't know as I am gathering alot of recovery resources to help myself and in turn in the hopes of helping others...at any rate it has been helpful for me to understand the disease:

The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady
by Mike L., West Orange, NJ
"Carry THIS Message" Group, West Orange, NJ

From "The Doctor's Opinion" to the end of "More About Alcoholism" the Big Book discusses the first part of Step 1, which states, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol". We've discussed, studied, and internalized material from the "Doctor's Opinion" to page 23 to see how we're powerless over alcohol bodily. We've used pages 23 - 43 to help us experience how we've been powerless mentally. Now I'd like to talk about a part of our "disease" which is seldom discussed in meetings nowadays: the "spiritual malady."

We often hear people say something like, "I have a three-fold disease: body, mind, and spirit."

When you ask them to describe what they mean by that statement, they seem to have a firm grasp on the fact that we alcoholics suffer from "an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind" - that once I put any alcohol in my system whatsoever it sets off a craving for more alcohol. And when I'm stone-cold sober, at my very best, the thought will occur to me to take a drink - or sometimes I think very little about it or not at all, and I come-to out of a blackout after having experienced what page 42 refers to as a "strange mental blank spot." And of course this vicious cycle of my mind continuously taking me back to a drink and my body dooming me to not drink like "normal" people puts me in a senseless series of sprees and it makes it virtually impossible to stop.

It is agreed that the "mental obsession" is the part of our "disease" which leads to the first drink; and it's the first drink that triggers the "phenomenon of craving." But, what about the part of my "disease" that triggers the mental obsession in the first place? Why is it that people who have remained abstinent from drinking in Alcoholics Anonymous for 1 year... 2 years... 5 years... 10 years... and in some cases even 20 years or more, go back to drinking?

We know the physical craving does not cause these people to drink because it's been medically proven that after a few days of not drinking the alcohol is processed out of the body. And, if you've been in the AA Fellowship for a while, for most people, the mental obsession dissipates. So why is it that after a long period of sobriety many people in our fellowship return to drinking - EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO? What is the third fold of our illness that triggers the mental obsession - WHEN NOT DRINKING - HAVING BEEN SEPARATED FROM ALCOHOL FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME?

Through closely examining our Big Book, along with much experience and practice with our Twelve Steps, as well as vigorous work with other alcoholics, the "missing piece" of Step 1 appears to be what is referred to on page 64 as the "spiritual malady."

Now, let me attempt to discuss the second half of Step 1: " - that our lives had become unmanageable."

For a long time I thought my life was unmanageable because of all the crazy insane things I did while drinking - like the car accidents, hurting people when I didn't mean to, failed relationships, loss of jobs, family dysfunction, jails, asylums, etc.

Finally, someone explained to me that those things are not the insanity that the Big Book talks about; nor are those things why the alcoholic's life becomes unmanageable.

Of course those things can be classified as "unmanageability" - but they are external unmanageability. The unmanageability that the 1st Step is pointing to is the INWARD unmanageability of our lives - the restlessness, irritability, and discontentment that most alcoholics have even BEFORE they ever picked up their first drink. There are many names for this "inward unmanageability". Some refer to it as "untreated alcoholism." Others use the term "bedevilments", which comes from page 52 of the Big Book (which I'll be discussing in a moment). Page 64 simply refers to this "inward unmanageability" as "the spiritual malady."

Our book promises us that "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." The mental and physical factors of alcoholism are put into remission AFTER the "spiritual malady" is overcome - which means I'm still in danger of drinking until I have a spiritual awakening - whether I think so or not.

Two key points I'd like to focus on from this point forward:

What really is this "spiritual malady" and how, if left untreated, can it drive an alcoholic back to drinking?
What is the remedy for it?
(By the way, our Big Book answers both of those questions in masterly detail in Chapters 4 - 11.) What is this "spiritual malady" we alcoholics suffer from and how can "untreated alcoholism" cause an alcoholic to return to drinking - EVEN WHEN HE/SHE DOESN'T WANT TO?
Imagine three layers. The first layer is our bodily reaction to alcohol when we ingest it - the physical craving. Under that is the second layer: the insanity of the mind just before the first drink - the mental obsession. Under that is the third layer: the inward condition that triggers the second layer, which in turn triggers the first - the "spiritual malady." Symptoms of this "third layer" as described in the Big Book include:

being restless, irritable, and discontented (page xxvi),
having trouble with personal relationships,
not being able to control our emotional natures,
being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression,
not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life),
having feelings of uselessness,
being full of fear,
unhappiness,
inability to be of real help to other people (page 52),
being like "the actor who wants to run the whole show" (pages 60-61),
being "driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity" (page 62),
self-will run riot (page 62),
leading a double life (page 73),
living like a tornado running through the lives of others (page 82), and
exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.
These name just a few of the symptoms of the "spiritual malady" that's described throughout our text. But still in all, these are just symptoms of the "spiritual malady."

What is it really? What is the driving force of the symptoms described above?

On page 62 the text explains that "Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." This "SELFISHNESS-self-centeredness" (or the "ego", as some people refer to it) drives us to respond to life situations with the above "symptoms" as well as disorders and addictions other than alcoholism.

If this selfishness-self-centeredness continues to manifest in an alcoholic's life - EVEN IN SOMEONE WHO IS NOT DRINKING AND CONTINUES TO ATTEND MEETINGS - and the ego is not smashed and re-smashed by continuous application of all twelve steps, the sober (or "just not drinking" alcoholic is sure to drink again eventually... or even worse, continue to live miserably being "undrunk" (better known as a "dry drunk". This is why we see people with 10 years in AA wind up in mental institutions - AND THEY HAVEN'T HAD A DROP TO DRINK!

You see, if I continue to act out with selfish - self-centered - ego-driven behaviors I will continue to experience the symptoms of the "spiritual malady." If I continue to experience this inward unmanageability, eventually my mind will seek out the "sense of ease and comfort" it thinks it can receive from taking a drink. Or, my ego can deceive me into thinking I'm doing perfectly fine. (i.e.: Fred's story in Chapter 3... Fred drank when there wasn't "a cloud on the horizon".)

Typically, we'll tell ourselves and others, "Well, at least I'm not drinking." All of a sudden, I can experience a "strange mental blank-spot" - otherwise known as a "sober blackout" - and before it even hits me I'm pounding on the bar asking myself "How'd this happened?"

So, ask yourself if you're suffering from the "spiritual malady" - particularly if you haven't had a drink for a while. What condition is your "inner life" in, currently? Are you experiencing any of the symptoms listed previously? (Also refer to the "Step One Unmanageability Exercise" also included in this issue of "This Day".)

Has it been a while since you've taken another alcoholic through the Steps?

Has it been a while since you have gone through the steps?

Have you ever taken all of AA's Twelve Steps?

Have you done more than one 4th Step inventory?

Have you completed all your 9th Step amends wherever possible?

Are you working with the disciplines and practices of steps Ten and Eleven (self-examination, meditation and prayer)... consistently... EVERY DAY?

Page 62 says, "Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness ("the ego". We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self (ego) without [God's] aid."

Page 25 tells us, "There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings, which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."

This "fourth dimension", which we find out in the 10th Step is the "world of the Spirit", takes us beyond the physically, mental, and emotional dimensions of life - and eliminates the selfishness (ego) of the "spiritual malady." The term "spiritual malady" does not mean that our "spirit" is sick. It simply means we are spiritually blocked off from the Power of God, which enables us to remain sober, happy, joyous, and free.

To conclude, it's not my body - my allergic reaction to alcohol - that's going to take me back to drinking. It's really not my mind - the mental obsession - that is the underlying root of what will take me back to drinking. It's the "spiritual malady", as manifested by my EGO (selfishness-self-centeredness), that can eventually lead me back to drinking or sometimes even suicide.

On pages 14 and 15 Bill W. writes, "For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."

Thankfully, the "spiritual malady" is no longer a "missing piece" of Step One for me. It is a reality of my powerlessness and unmanageability and enables me to see why I so desperately need to seek a Power Greater than myself. And unless this malady is recognized, and a course of action (the Twelve Steps) is taken to enable God to remove it, the root of our alcoholic illness can lie dormant and burn us when we least expect it.

Mark75

Sure reggie, of course what you are thinking is understandable... Things are good and you want to make them "better".... Hell, I remember driving home from treatment, free at last... and the thought just came into my mind, to stop for a beer... LOL... just snuck right in...

It gets better.

MsCooterBrown

Reggie...You have been through this before. And I KNOW you are so happy in the morning when you wake up and are still sober. I am also thinking..correct me if I am wrong..that you had the same DOC that I had. Beer with a whiskey back. Point being..if you are letting your alcoholic voice tell you "I am telling myself that I just won't drink hard liquor or take anything else. you are bullsh!tting all
bullsh!tters. I am not going back to grab more of your words but you start off by saying you wish you could drink a few beers after work..then add OR the weekend. In no time flat..if you play this scenario out..it will be beers every day and I will venture a bet that whiskey backer will enter the picture.

I am wondering if these thoughts have anything to do with you moving back to your old position at work..and being in the whole drinking atmosphere again. Hang in there Reggie..you may be experiencing flashbacks that are causing triggers.

MsCooterBrown

If you go to bed now..you will wake up happy to be sober..this will all be behind you. If it keeps gnawing at you go to bed..that is what I think...

Danae

Hi Reggiewayne,

First off---you aren't a phony! You are being honest about feeling the urge to drink, and it seems, asking for help. Remember the difference between thoughts and actions. You can want something, and consider it, and then not do it. I know that I would tell you to muster ALL of your resources and stay sober. I bet you'd tell any of us to do the same!

You have been a great voice on SR, and I'm sure you've reached a lot of people. I know I've been listening to what you've had to say.

Glad to hear you won't be drinking tonight. Hope you'll sign on here first thing in the morning and see how much support you have.

Take care,

D

Toronto68

That sounds normal to me. I haven't gotten really inspired to act, but I have had thoughts like that before. That is the kind of thing that can enter the mind for lots of reasons, but a change in jobs can get the mind negotiating and creating alternatives and worthless alternatiives and debates. Anything that makes a person think maybe it wasn't so bad after all the way it used to be. Well, that needs to be recognized for what it is right away.

I don't know what the perfect answer is for it, but you know what a normal drinker is and you know where you come from.

reggiewayne

Thanks everyone. You guys help me so much. Today it just felt that drinking was something that I was GOING to do. When my mind goes there it's so hard to get it back on track. There has been so many good things said / posted I wouldn't even know where to begin to thank you guys. I just know that I am my own worst enemy. Always. It's me. I was so hopeless 79 days ago. I would have given anything to be able to not drink. Why do I want to go back to that? The answer is I don't. My mind is telling me it will be different this time. That I'm cured. I know it's bullsh!t. But the thought is still there. I think the answer for me lies in step work. I need to get with my sponsor and get active. I do know this, I'm not going to "think" my way out of this.

I hope I can get to a point in my life where I'm not so consumed by emotion / feelings. I know I quit for a reason, I tried to control my drinking for so long and failed everytime. I know my real DOC is whiskey - not beer. I know it won't be long until I ditch the beer for the hard stuff and then oblivion.

I think recoerwithfaith is dead on. Thanks for such a lengthy and wise post. I really needed it. The truth is I need all of you. I am going to get active tomorrow in recovery again. It all starts with a call to my sponsor.

CarolD

Please read the final paragraph in our BB...page 43.
That's kept me moving forward.more than once..

Hevyn

Hi Reggie - I'm late to the party, but wanted to show support and say I'm thankful you posted your thoughts. Be proud of yourself, not angry. You did exactly the right thing - that's why we're here - to see each other through these times.

I had the same thoughts of returning to "normal" drinking after I had quit for 3 yrs. I tested the waters, knowing full well what the outcome would be. It cost me 7 years of my life, and this time I went down hard. DUI's, health problems, ruined relationships - I lost everything I had built up & then some. Based on your history, it doesn't sound like it's possible to just have a few. It would be dancing with the devil - and no one wants to see you do that.

Glad you posted - you're a wise man. You're going to do just fine. Congrats on getting your life back together.

Kmber2010

Reggie, I am glad to see your update and for what its worth man....this is the one place where I have laid it all on the table time and time again.....I like to call it my safe haven.

You have so much good input here so nothing new to add but just to emphasize the importance of being aware of these thoughts and as you say - being active in your recovery.

Know that all the good you have now is because of the healthy you. You got this and using your support and continuing your recovery is most important. I wouldn't have any of the good in my life now if I didn't believe and move forward. My recovery is what has allowed me not only to be happily sober but has improved my outlook and my thinking for the better. I love me now....whereas I couldn't even look in the mirror for some years.

Keep it going