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New perspectives on dealing w A's family, with my own self...



New perspectives on dealing w A's family, with my own self...

Old 02-18-2011, 11:48 AM
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New perspectives on dealing w A's family, with my own self...

In a codie attempt to control things that another part of me is trying to let go of, I called my friend, who happens to be a wrap-around family therapist, as well as my As childhood best friend and childhood next door neighbor.

I told him everything. I explained how he tried at first when he came back from treatment, but he slowly slipped into old and increasingly more manipulative behaviors..about how he goes to the bar, and how his mental health symptoms seem to be worsening, and that he skips psych appointments, wont take meds...argh! I told him everything including how I was continuing to push for him to leave on March 1st.

I told him, I cannot talk to the immediate family. They are in denial and unsafe, I told him I tried to call the safe brother in Cali, but he called my A back first...

I said, "I dont want anything from you. I just feel obligated to let someone in that circle know what things are coming to, and that I am really feeling done with being a soft landing spot for A. He is ill, and he is fighting me every step."

He is a healthy, communicative person and he does not mince words.

What he said over the next 40 minutes was not malicious, he kept reiterating that what he was saying was his observation, and that he was not judging me, as he felt I had really done my best to keep my family together. This was the general gist of the conversation on his end:

"B66, I can see that you are making a move toward health for yourself, and it is frightening for you.

You are choosing, and you may back out yet, to remove the safety net that you put in place for A, and take back sone of the energy that you invest in him each hour.... He could have, if healthy, or healing, used the safety net you offered as a step ladder, and kept climbing, but he chose to just step on your ladder and stand still, then blame you that he cannot reach very high on it, that its not sturdy enough for him..etc...

He said,

"I have known A and his family since he was 4 years old. He has always been compromised. The entire family has. They are a very unhealthy group of people who muddled their way through serious dysfunction to varying degrees of functionality. A is perhaps the worst off. They all know that. Do not kid your self that they do not know he is ill. Somewhere inside each of them they are desperately grateful for your willingness to put up with him, as they have not wanted to.

"I know you say you are calling to 'tell someone whats up'. I know you genuinely care for him, worry about him, but...
I would like to propose something. Please look at the idea that you are calling, me, his family, etc, because you are ready to let go, but you are not really letting go because you feel obligated to pass the safety net buck. You feel unsure if you can let him go until you feel like someone else "has" him.

"Let me tell you right now, B66. I am not going to do that. I stopped safety netting with him back in 2000. I am not available. I can hear YOUR story, but I am not gonna say, "OK, thanks. I got him...you relax."

"I am not going to say or do that because I am healthy about him, and his family is not going to do that because NONE of them are stable enough to even manage most of their own lives.
His mom, his brother...None of them are going to lay out a safety net so that you can feel safe retreating.
He is 32. His net has to be himself, now.
They have been breathing easy for years knowing that he was snuggly ensnared with you. You took the mess, the blame, you shouldered the fears, the guilt.
They do not want that now, either. He has been in their lives for a long time. ANd now he is sober, and still having mental problems, makes ridiculous choices, harms those who love him... "

"B66, you HAVE TO JUST MAKE THE CHOICE TO withdraw your net for YOU, not do it only if someone else stretches one out for him ."

He also told me that A's mother has a history of lashing out, especially when she feels like she may be blamed or be made responsible for her children or their messed up conditions.

He said her lashing out at me when i was making boundaries and staking some independence, asking him to leave, was in his perspective just her unconsciously trying to jockey me back into the position of quietly shouldering all of it, so she wont have to. He said she is a very volatile person this way.

The kind and non judgemental tone he used when canveying this, and maybe just my openness to hearing it really hit home.

I do want to know that he is snug somewhere before I let go, just like his family probably does. And they do seem pretty darnAOK with me handling all the crap.
I dont want to feel responsible for a suicide or a relapse or a psychotic break that lands him in jail. I want to know someone else is going to be on watch.

They are not going to be, some because they dont want to do it, others because they cannot do it. It is no ones job but his.

He also did give me a tiny bit of validation in letting me know that the brother who lives here in town, who kind of rubs me the wrong way is aware that A is still not functioning properly. He does not believe all the lies and the stories. But my friend said, but, B66, he doesnt have to worry about it, because YOU are "dealing with A".

A interesting and perplexing perspective.

Another peel off the onion.
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:11 PM
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Wow. This guy is pretty insightful. It's why my second husband's sister was so upset when I "abandoned" him. She and the other siblings had been dealing with him for YEARS. I could do no wrong when I was sitting by his bedside in the hospital as he clung to life after his liver failed. I was the big heroine when we got married.

Once he went back to drinking, and I left, suddenly I was pond scum.
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:51 PM
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Another peel off the onion.
I feel this is layers off the onion.
Layers.

They are not going to be, some because they dont want to do it, others because they cannot do it. It is no ones job but his.
And that is the heart of the matter.

Take care of yourself Buffalo66.

Beth
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:59 PM
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That guy is good. He told you exactly what you needed to hear. It's all stuff you probably already knew, but to have someone actually say the words sometimes means more than us just thinking them.

There comes a time, if you truly want to save yourself, that you have to let that other person sink or swim of their own accord. When we finally hit our own bottom, and walk away, it doesn't mean we no longer care. We just realize that we can't help them and they are taking us down with them. It's self preservation that makes us finally be willing to take care of ourselves and stop taking responsibility for someone who refuses to do the same.

I truly hope that the words you heard today will resonate with you and that you will decide that YOU deserve to be healthy and happy and that you just won't ever be if you don't make that happen.
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Old 02-18-2011, 08:38 PM
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I hope you really 'heard' him (((((B66))))).

Bluntly, he said .......................... you are out of life preservers, he is an adult, not a 6 year old, and it is time for you to take care of you and your child(ren) not him.

You are not responsible and it will not be your fault, if he 1)goes back to drinking, 2) attempts suicide, 3) ends up in jail for whatever reason, etc etc

Remember, we are with you in spirit. In whatever room you are in at the moment, just picture it full of SR folks!!! Believe it or not, that does help.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-19-2011, 12:21 PM
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And you got this for free!I had to pay like 20 grand!Damn!
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:40 PM
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Update:
A did not want to make a schedule, even til months end. He tried to be sweet and throw me a bone/ told me to go to the movies night b fore last. Our son has had a bad flu for five days.

I have been increasingly agitated/ intolerant. Can't even fake it anymore.
His MIA routine jeckylling into an inability to "handle" things when the simplest demand is put on him in terms of family life/ obligation just has begun to seem like a dark ass game of long term manipulation. I am even beginning to wonder if he is not ill at all, but just a teenager throwing fits then trying pity when fits don't work. I feel like I have been a long term fool.
My anger has reached critical mass.

Looking back, I just cannot believe some of the con game.

I have to ask myself what are these gaping holes in my character that allow/ed me to fall for
all of it, to allow it, to play along?

Last night he came here, son sick for last several days, him MIA most of it, when not working, we had two pre op appointments in last two weeks both while A was available to go...

He came home wanting some compassion and tenderness over his anxiety and obsessive
thoughts abt surgery. He didn't know enough, did not know if I was conveying the drs.
Thoughts well enough..(20 appointments in last two years., he went to 2 MRIs and the drama was over the top; all abt A)He was obsessing over whether our son would "look normal", he
said "this will b the hardest thing he has ever had to do.." the "he" he was talking abt was him. The hardest thing A would ever do. I just had visions of a drama A fest day of surgery. I snapped at him.

I just lost it. I just said that I couldn't contain my anger. I said u are so narcissistic it disgusts me. I made it unbearable until he left.
Says he stated at a hotel.
Today he says he is full of anger at the "inconvenient details of life he now has to deal with"...

Might have been easier to sit down and schedule a few days, share some time. Now the poor thing is put out at not having a hotel to stay in where he can pretend he is a doting father and partner.

I am flipping around. Wrote my fears abt him staying gone, then answered each one with a truth.

You are all in the room with me.
I don't want to b the safety net anymore. I'd rather have my wings back.
god give me the strength to be clear and stay clear.


I just lost it.
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