Aysha

Pretty pointless considering what I have been doing since I got home.

I dont know what compells me to return here and seek guidance. I never follow it. Maybe its the little bit of hope I still have inside me that stems from this site. I dont know.

I am in a fog. Its like I'm walking, no floating around in a dream like state.
Nothing seems real. Its like at any moment I am going to wake up and everything will be back as it should.

But I know thats not true.

I have been completely out of control since I got home. More so than before I went to jail. I am right back to my very old old ways that I thought I left behind in Florida almost 9 yrs ago.

It is not looking good. I want to stop, but then I dont want to. I know what I should do but my conscience has stepped away for awhile.

I feel really unbalanced. On a fast track to somewhere really bad. Its only a matter of time. Only thing holding me back right now is thge fact that I need to get my vehicle fixed. Or I probably wouldnt be here typing this right now.
Is it divine intervention? Could be. I do need to take a break.
I have been going non stop since I got home. Going full forcr not even stopping long enouhg to rest before work.
I have lost my job now. My family one by one. I have let my boss/friend down in the worst time. But yet I feel nothing still.

I want to feel anything. But I cant. My miond and my heart lies back with the demons. Thats the only thing that can get any kind of a reaction out of me lately.
I have fallen in love with death and misery again. But there is still a tiny part of me screaming to get away.

I dont know what the point of this is. If there even is one.

I know you guys should have washed your hands of me long ago as should my family. At least they are slowly but sure. One by one. '

This is not meant to scare anyone. I am safe. I just need to let some of the madness out from my thoughts.

Hopefully being stuck like this will give me the much needed wake up I need.

least

I hope you can stop the madness before it's too late.

Jomey

Praying for you Trish. I hope you won't quit trying. Love, Jomey

Hevyn

Prayers up Trish - for you to get off this collision course. It can still happen.

Kmber2010

I wish you well Trish and pray you find the strength that is in your to stop this insanity and turn your life around. It is in you but only you can find it.

Dee74

I pushed my own personal envelope way too far - I was very lucky.
I thank god I woke up one morning with a little window of clarity and I climbed through...

You're playing with your life here, T.

People - just like you - die every single day....

That's not counting the about a million times we die a little each day beforehand.

I know that matters to you or you wouldn't be here.

You're an amazing person, with an incredible story, and have an amazing amount to offer the world - if you decide to.

I haven't washed my hands of you but I simply don't know what else to say.

I wish you well Trish - I hope you get your little window of clarity soon.

D

smacked

I had to look twice at the date on this post, you wrote a lot of these same feelings last time you disappeared.

I hope you find it in you to save your own life, Trish.

coffeenut

It's up to you, Trish. Not your Dad. Not your Grandma. You.

I do hope you step up, Now.

Aysha

Lonliness is what drives me there.
I am so lonley.
Being out there I get alot of attention. I make things happen.
I have lost alot of weight too so now I get all that old attention like i use to back in Florida.
Its all the wrong attention. For all the wrong reasons. But still...its attention.
I have fallen for someone I buy from. Its like I use the excuse to cop just to see him, when I know I dont have to.
My self worth is very low. What I know I deserve seems so far away.
All this money and attention is far from worth it.
But now I feel stuck in the cycle.
My heart is involved now and that makes it worse.
Like I said before. I need to leave.
My gram isnt making things any better. I need to get away from her.
I know location change isnt the answer. But it couldnt hurt.
Good thing I am stuck here or I would be right over there now. Got my last check today.
I need to fix my van.
I am pretty much coming off a 3 week run. I used, worked, used worked, With minimal sleep. I have lost my voice from smoking so much.
The sad part is, Although I know where I am headed. I dont know if I even care.

coffeenut

I think you do care, or you wouldn't be here.

ItWillBeWorthIt

Certainly sending hugs Trish... and I really think you have to dig deep and resolve what is creating your addiction.

You want to stop, do you have a counselor? Do you have a doctor? Do you have support?

You can do this... but it gets to the point that you need to want it... and you stated you want to stop, therefore you CAN do this. So Trish what is your next step to get into recover?

I am sending so many positive thoughts...

NewBeginning010

Hi Trish, I haven't been on in a while but I have been sober & very busy with my business. I feel for you & pray that YOU can get things together, nobody can do this for you (I know you know that ;-).

Here is a wonderful book that helped me along the way, I hope you can find value in it too.

Wherever You Go There You Are: Amazon.ca: Jon Kabat-Zinn: Books

A huge beam of sunlight and a warm feeling just came through my window while typing... I am passing it on to you. Please do something, you are loved & cared for.

With Loving Kindness,

NB

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I haven't washed my hands of you, but like (((Dee))) - I don't know what else to say. I wish I could make you give a ****, about yourself, to get off this one-way road to destruction.

As far as being in love with the dope guy? We can't REALLY love anyone else unless we love ourselves. Yeah, I loved XABF#3 as much as I could, considering we were both on crack, but he loved my ability to get money and crack more than he did me.

You'll remain in my prayers, where you've always been.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

mikefreak

Know that we will NEVER turn our backs on you. You can ALWAYS go to this site & get away from the madness, if just for a few moments. I was worried about you= At least you are alive. " Dvine intervention" saved my life, and I hope & pray the same thing happens to you. Never Quit.

michelle01

Many posts make me happy and grateful for the clarity I have today, the freedom from the obsession... that is not intended to gloat as I know what my sobriety hangs on but I am aware I have much to be thankful for. Relationships and can really only be rebuilt and the process of integrating occur when clean and sober, it doesn't tend to mean much anyway. Not everything goes exactly the way we wish when sober, best thing we can do is be mature enough to accept it and wait for it to pass. There is a lot going on that doesn't sound healthy right now, and I know how hard it is once you have started, the tendency in the midst of it is to say **** it I don't care, and we've all been there. But that was always my addicted mind talking.

I'm not here to diagnose but I'm wondering if depression could also be a factor in your current outlook. Please T get some immediate help to bring this situation under control, then think about possible changes you need to make from there.

And yes we are always here no matter what so I am glad that you posted and got the thoughts out.

michelle01

(Typo - meant to say relationships can only be rebuilt sober or it doesn't tend to mean much corr. And your own recovery really has to start happening first.)

Liberty47

Wow... I'm not sure what to say. You don't know me, I prolly can't be considered to know you but I've lurked here for years and always found your posts thought-provoking. I'm going to be very bold here, as I know there are so many that love you, but are they loving you to your death? I have seen you get clean for a bit and relapse repeatedly. I was a chronic relapser myself so I certainly have empathy. But I truly don't know what it will take you to stop and the bold part is that with the knowledge of your most recent jail time and the home invasion charge I sense a real lack of gratitude. Many have been put away for YEARS due to a much lesser crime. Not to mention the many ways in which your addiction has affected your family. Truth be told, your time left with your grandmother isn't unlimited and you've got younger relatives your setting an example for. As tough as you may think you are, do you really want to risk your luck in a state prison? Is that where you wish to spend the rest of your life regardless? Do you want your family members to have to identify your body?

The list of bottoms AREN'T limited by any means to death and institutions. I am writing this having just gotten a negative HIV test at seven months clean. I truly wondered why God had spared me from chronic disease and so many other things with all the times I pushed my luck out there, while so many others perished on their first run. I guess you and I are in the same boat that way.

I thought AA/NA was a cult and would rather have swallowed nails then go to meetings before I was introduced to the true hell of addiction. Now I will go to the podium and read the phone book if it means I don't have to use again. I pray for your surrender.

FrothyJay

I know this may sound a bit odd, but the fact that you went right back to your old habits is actually expected. Think of it this way-- exactly what changed that would have prevented you to go back to your natural condition, an alcoholic/drug addict? We always go back, unless we are able to change.

So in addition to the relapse, we have the added misery of feeling like failures. Failure at what? Willpower?

Here's the way this works.

Do you believe that you have exhausted every last tactic in trying to stop your using and drinking? Are there any options you haven't tried? Most importantly, do you view your failure to stay clean and sober as a failure of your efforts?

See, I believe what the Big Book of AA tells me-- that I am defenseless against the first drink, that without some sort of significant personality shift of a spiritual nature, I will always return to alcohol. ALWAYS. And I've proven it, time and time again.

Yet I used to function under the delusion that I was failing at sobriety, that I was somehow not committed enough. Until someone explained to me what powerless meant.

If you can't stop, you can't stop. It's not going to change. If you can concede this to your innermost self-- that your life will continue to be a pathetic version of GroundHog Day until you die-- then why not try to find a power that can help?

Conversely, if you think you can ramp up your efforts to stop, reapply will power in new ways, more power to you. Trying to find a power greater than yourself only works when you admit complete defeat.

AA is not about building obstacles to drinking. It's about breaking down obstacles to a power greater than ourselves that can solve our drinking/drugging problem.

Aysha

I know I have no gratitude, I am selfish and arrogant.
I have made zero effort in trying anything to stop.
I am more addicted to the enviroment and the people than anything.
I am looking for acceptance in all the wrong places.
I feel like I am somebody when I am there.
I know I get the wrong attention for the wrong reasons.
I make money and I spend money. Thats what attracts everyone out there,
I know not one person out there is my friend. But it is empowering to have that control and recognition. Even if it is negative.
I am so very lost and weak.
I am missing somehting in my life and I try to fill it the only way I know how.
Why should I care what anyone out there thinks of me?
I worry too much about gaining the acceptance of those who only want what they can get out of me.
While hurting myself and the ones who truly love me.
I am pitiful.
I have been nonstop since I got home. HArdly no sleep.
Hopefully now that my van is not running it will give me that much needed time to clear my head and snap out of this self destruction.
I have been high since the 2nd day I got home. If not on one thing..another.
I need to leave that dude alone too. He makes me feel good and says all the right things. But he is bad for me and he really wants only what he can gain too.
I am not trying to be with him. Just spend time. But its time that is costing me.
I need a serious reality check.
I cant be this pathetic and lonely.

Dee74

You know all the right ways to feel and the right things to say T - you just gotta get there to believing it.

Is there anyway you can go into some kind of rehab? even the Salvation Army might just save you at this point.

here's the nationwide database - why not look whats available in your area right now?
http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/

D