Wisher

Hi everyone,
My AS turned himself in to authorities on Jan. 31. He got 93 days for probation violation from a DUI he rec'd almost 2 years ago. He has had this warrant out for him since last Aug. 2010. We encouraged him to turn himself in, he has been straight/sober since Oct. 31, 2010. He has a beautiful daughter that he has joint custody with his ex-wife.

Predictably, she will not let me and my husband see our GD. She had papers delivered to the jail for my son to sign from her lawyer, basically giving up his joint custody and aggreeing to only see her once a month. AS refused to sign.

He will be getting out in March due to good behavior. The thing is I believe him that he does really want to change this time.

It is killing me to not see my GD. My ex DIL is a liar and a low life (I do not speak these words out of anger at her, they are the truth). She had dangled that we might be able to have her this weekend, then informed me last night that we could not and that she was going to try to take away my son's custody.

I fear for my son's depression level when he learns of this while locked away in jail. All he has talked about is missing his daughter and how he is going to change this time.

God is giving me the strength to face everyday. I go to work where my co-workers no nothing of my life, they would be so shocked, oh their lives seem so perfect from my perspective. This has literally been my worst nightmare since my GD was born, that AS's addictions would take her away from us.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience with child custody laws. Would they take away someone's custody because they missed a court date because they were taking care of their grandfather who was dying of cancer? That is why he had this warrant.

I am wondering if I should get him a lawyer? Or do I let this play out? I am very confused as to what I should do. This is his mess, but we are talking about by GD and my son. I can't stand the thought of them not being together, of my son not being able to be her father, and of me not being able to be her Grama.

Any advice or encouragement would be helpful. I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks so much.

Ann

In most places, grandparents have rights too. I would get legal advice and do what you can for yourself. He will have to fight for his own visitation, but yours should be separate.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

Wisher

Thank you Ann and Cynical One, I read with interest the grandparent's rights, that was so nice of you, Cynical one.

I just talked to AS, he called from jail. I felt I should warn him that his ex was going to take him to court b/c she said that it was going to be before he got let out in March. Since she is a pathological liar, I have no idea if this is true but I felt I should warn AS in case they do come to take him to court, so he was not blind-sided. Now I am filled with regret b/c it deeply upset him. I wish I hadn't told him.

Me and my husband are trying so hard to be strong for one another. So I am fake and false with my smiles and light chit chat. Inside, I am sad and so scared. Scared that my son will relapse when he gets out because of all this stress, scared that I won't see me GD and scared that we will not make it through this time, me and my husband have been through so much. I don't know that we can take it anymore.

keepinon

These are the consequences of addiction..they are your sons to face..have faith that he can handle the ups and downs of life..we cannot and should not try to take on their problems..give him the dignity of handling his own life

outtolunch

Back in August you mentioned that instead of obsessing about him you were focused on seeing your GD.

Is it possible that you have created a substitute for your own DOC and here you are, once again fixated with something ( short of a court order) you have no control over.

Just sayin....

ready2learn

Wisher, it seems you are trying to deal with two situations: your son's legal relationship with his child, and your relationship with your GD. It's not clear from your post if his probation violation was missing a court date. That's a big "no-no" regardless of the reason. Judges take a very dim view of people ignoring a summons. He should have made the court aware of his inability to appear on the date of the hearing in advance and gotten a postponement....his bad, simple. Is there perhaps some guilt coming through that because you talked him into turning himself in that this problem is somehow of your making? It isn't your fault. He already has a joint custody agreement in place, so what ex-wife would be seeking is a modification of the terms of the agreement, and she would likely have to show a material change in circumstances. Another minus for your son. If she can show circumstances have changed since the original custody order, the court is probably going to look at what is in the child's best interests...and it is clearly in GD's best interests not to place her in a situation where she could be endangered by being in a car with someone operating a vehicle under the influence. You must admit that's a pretty scary thought.

If I were you I would consult with an attorney specializing in family law, concerning grandparents' visitation rights. During the consultation you can ask questions about what adverse effect may result as a consequence of your son's DUI and probation violation. Perhaps, if you really are determined to help your son, you might be able to get an attorney to help him postpone any action on a modification of the custody agreement until he's out of jail. I do agree with the others that, if at all possible, you should probably let your son work out his problem on his own, and concentrate on your rights. As for your ex-DIL, unfortunately, many times a child is used as a weapon to injure the spouse and his family...that may be the case here, and your son might very well feel that he is being punished for coming forward and turning himself in, trying to do the right thing. He DID do the right thing, however the custody works out. He needs to keep on doing the right thing if he's sincerely interested in having a relationship with his child.

I understand your pain, missing your GD. I have a beautiful little 15 month old GS, whom I have not seen for 6 months, and I kept him almost every day for the first nine months of his life. As soon as our AS went into rehab, his GF moved several states away to live with her mother, without so much as a "goodbye" from her. She does not communicate with us - we haven't gotten a picture or updates, but she cashes the check I send every month to help out while AS is in rehab (I do this for my GS, not to help AS). She was outraged that AS went to rehab and left her. She's painted a picture that she's doing it all on her own taking care of our GS, but she is living with her mother and step-father and only works on weekends, lol. Our severed relationship with our GS is collateral damage from AS's addiction. Even 6 months later I still have days when I am devastated and cry over not being a part of our GS's life anymore. So far, I have not taken any legal action to assert our grandparents' rights. Because of the distance between us, it could be a constant battle to see the little fellow without his mother's cooperation, even if we had a court order. As much as it hurts to not know what's going on with the baby or to see him, I don't want to smooth the way for AS to reconnect with his baby when he's finished with his long-term rehab. That is something AS needs to do on his own to show that he is truly ready and willing to be the father his son deserves. In the end, I'm counting on God to work it all out because it is truly out of my control.

I think you will feel a lot better after you've had a legal consultation and know where you stand, and what your options are. It's better to be informed than afraid.

rose

The distruction that one addict can cause in a family is so devistating, everyone hurts. My husband (ex) was is the addict in my family that he tore apart. I was the DIL but like many others our relationship took a turn for the worst as well. My boys where not babies when this all began 10 and 12 so they new what was going on, they had as much contact with their grandparents as they wanted, plus we were only an hour or so away so there was no issues of the grandparents not being able to see their grandchildren, so this was not a cause of the downfall of our relationship.

In two of the above posts there was a couple of jabs from the MIL's regarding their DIL's that kind of grabbed me and took me back to those horrible days. We all have to remember that each of us is in a terrible turmoil, surviving the best we can, finger pointing and name calling is certainly is not helping, only causing more chaos and roadblocks. I needed to be reminded of this myself, as I was not handling things in the best manner either. If only we could have come together to support one another there would have been alot less upsets.

Rose

Wisher

Wow, you guys brought me right back. I was floating out there in codie land and you threw me a rope and yanked me right back! Thank you.
Cynical One: I WAS totally trying to sheild him from the wreck of his past. I felt sorry for him being in jail and having to worry about losing his daughter. You are so right though, maybe it is the final straw that will keep him from relapsing. I don't think he is attending AA meetings there but I know he did see a councelor though. He is attending church in jail and for him it is a great help.

Keepinon: Hugs to you for more truth that I needed to hear. Really, thanks so much.

Outtolunch: Obsessing?? Who ME???? lol. Yeah, thats precisely what I was doing and I am coming down from that now. I needed that.

Ready2learn: My heart goes out to you for your situation. Yes, our addicts really hurt families. I printed out your post and the others too. I so needed your perspectives.

Rose: You brought up a good point too. I wish I could get along better with my ex-DIL. She is just so outrageous, because she lies. So even when my son is doing well and being a good father, she has a fit about ridiculous things so I guess even when she has a point I turn a deaf ear because she has hurt us so much and causes such strife. Their marraige ended because of her lies and also because she cheated on him, but I'm sure my son was no picnic to live with either.

Thanks to you all for setting me straight. BTW, my beautiful GD is with us right now. My x-DIL changed her mind and let her come for the weekend. I talked to AS today and he is okay, more committed than ever to remaining straight. Thanks again everyone!

keepinon

Amazing how much faster we come back from codieland these days huh?Good for you..hope you are having fun with the GD!

Wisher

Right on Keepinon!
I might have slipped into codieland but at least I came back right away, as opposed to wallowing in it like the old days! Thanks for your support. Really, its been said a million times, but SR is amazing and the people here are the best.

Oliveoyl

Wisher, I am speaking from the childs mothers point of view here.

In MY situation at this point I lump In laws for the most part with xah. I want nothing to do with any of them. Some are healthier than others, but for now I've detached from all of them. They side with him, always have, always will. My xah put me through he(( and they just don't 'get it'. For now it's best to remove myself and my kids completely.

Up until now XMIL was involved in my kid's life (10 yo twins). IMHO YOUR best bet to have a relationship with your GD is to approach it completely seperate from your son. If your DIL feels threatened or feels like you may have alterior motives other than JUST LOVING YOUR GD and SPENDING TIME with her she'll more than likely retreat. If she does allow you to see your GD, I would go overboard to be completely neutral and not even discuss your son.

If she wants full custody and her lawyers are going after that, she's lumping you all into the same group. I personally don't want xh's family out of my kids life forever, but for now it's the only option that I have to be rid of the insanity and keep our serenity.

I hope this makes sense? Just as YOU are fighting for your son, she's fighting for her daughter. Are their control issues? Sure. But if you pick any other side other than neutral IMHO your chances of seeing your GD are greatly reduced.

Was it right for her to dangle the thought of a weekend stay in front of you? No, but she did and right now she can. Your best bet is to rise above it, bite your tongue and be there with open arms when she is ready. In my own personal experience, confrontation only = more confrontation. HTH

Wisher

Oliveoyl,
I appreciate what you are saying and yes I have tried to remain neutral and believe me my I have bit my poor tongue so much I'm surprised it is still in my mouth. But, I guess there is always room for improvement though, right?

My x-DIL, even though as far as I know she is alchohol and drug free, she makes very poor choices and is a pathological liar, so I have never seen her as a safe alternative for my GD to be with. She surrounds herself with very questionable people (drug users themselves) so it is ironic that even though my son is the one with the addiction problem, since he lives with me and my husband, our house is a lot safer (I feel) than her house.

I understand your point very well. And I just want to respectively ask you if you think that your kids would benefit from seeing them?

Thanks so much for your post.

rose

Wisher,
Can I ask when the last time was that your son provided for your GD? Just wondering how you know that the people your exdil is hanging out with are drug users? I just ask this because my husband went to go live with his parents as well and god only knows what stories he told them. I reached for help and learned, no he does not get my car, my bank card, my cell phone, ect. He was not trustworthy. My in-law thought I was horrible and mil made no bones about telling me so, said that I was making him worse by taking all this away from him. He was filling them to, telling them how hurt he was, he had no reason to live doing dope took the hurt away. They were going to save him, make him feel good about himself, he had access to everything they had, her cell, credit card, pick-up truck and would tell me that he is doing so great! I fell backwards in my recovery, what had I done. Then one day I got a call that he had overdosed, was in hospital, I drove a couple of hours to go see him, before they took him back to jail, he had a court order to stay away from drugs. Once there a friend of their family filled me in, he had smashed the truck, racked up the credit card, racked the phone up, lost the phone, was running a prositution and drug ring out of thier mobile home court, they had all the locks changed on their house and alarm codes. Yet she choose to tell me he is going great. I detached from any contact with them. A year or so later I did see them, they had aged so much, they both were having health problems, sad because they were very healthy active people. It really upset me to see them like this, made some sense to me as to why they had behaved the way they did, this was their son, their blood, it must have been so devasting for them to believe what he was doing to himself and his family. I do know that they do not have much contact with him, he has moved provinces away. She will call here if she can't reach her GS's by their cell phone, we talk about the boys, never about the Mr. we do have some laughs and she does try to help me with advise on problems that I have with the boys, it will never be what it was, but it is what it is and I just put it up to what disaster drug addiction causes.

Rose

Wisher

Rose,
Actually my son has been on unemployment for the last year so he has paid child support, at least up until he has been in jail. He also buys a lot of things for his daughter and pays for her school lunches. He actually has been a good father, not perfect mind you, but he has never endangered her in any way.

I know the people my x-DIL hangs out with does drugs from people whom we both know that have told me and from my son.

I understand the point that you and Oliveoyl are making and of course you are seeing it from your side of things, and you both have been through so much. I of course am seeing it from my side. I guess it boils down to that we all have been hurt, but I will always believe that my GD will benefit from being with her daddy and her grandparents.