Keeping out of the madness...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Keeping out of the madness...
By not taking that first drink allows me to keep out of the madness, if I was to take a drink then I would be instantly hooked and consumed absolutely by booze, it would instantly take over my life and destroy it. It can seem distant to remember the power of booze once you've got some decent sobriety behind you, however I remember vividly the total power over my mind and body that booze had. I also can see many reminders in my daily obervations as I drive through towns to university, for example. In the Uk we have what's called super strength lager, 9% in 500ml cans, 4.5 units per can if i recall and costs less than £1.50 a can. I often see characters clutching their can and I can remember when that was me and I'm just so grateful to be out of that madness. It seems so pathetic to be totally controlled by a fermented liquid in a tin can, I don't say that with any sense of being better than anybody else or any of that crap, I am fully aware that I'm a messy, blackout drunk if I ever took a drink and the only place I'd be going to would be the gutter and I'd be straight to join them and get on it. Super strength is pretty much only drank by people with a "drink problem" to coin a loose term in my experience, most normal people wouldn't consider it but for an alkie like me then it was the No1 choice, certainly for the last couple of years of my drinking. It really ramped my alcoholism up a notch and the destructive power of that stuff is incredible, literally you're incapable of doing anything or being able to speak, but the immediate hit is so strong and suckers you in. It just intensifies all of the bad effects and takes you down real fast.
I guess I'm just grateful to be out of that madness as I am ever aware of how one sip and I would be straight back into that tunnel vision of alcoholic crazyness. It's amazing what negativity those cans will bring, everything goes by the way side and you're instantly somebody to be avoided.
I am grateful to be out of the madness and I don't want to ever go back to that. It's great to be able to walk in shops with booze bottles stacked behind the counter and not care and there be no obsession/compulsion there. I know if I took a drink then every second of my free time would be wanted to be spent getting wasted or I would feel like I wasting my oppurtunity. Total and utter obsession. I'm so grateful that I'm fully aware as to what a messy, down and out, slurring, staggering mess I was when I drank and that if I ever took a drink then I would be straight back there again without a doubt...
I'm grateful to be out of that madness 'just for today' and grateful to be sober...
Peace
I guess I'm just grateful to be out of that madness as I am ever aware of how one sip and I would be straight back into that tunnel vision of alcoholic crazyness. It's amazing what negativity those cans will bring, everything goes by the way side and you're instantly somebody to be avoided.
I am grateful to be out of the madness and I don't want to ever go back to that. It's great to be able to walk in shops with booze bottles stacked behind the counter and not care and there be no obsession/compulsion there. I know if I took a drink then every second of my free time would be wanted to be spent getting wasted or I would feel like I wasting my oppurtunity. Total and utter obsession. I'm so grateful that I'm fully aware as to what a messy, down and out, slurring, staggering mess I was when I drank and that if I ever took a drink then I would be straight back there again without a doubt...
I'm grateful to be out of that madness 'just for today' and grateful to be sober...
Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: England
Posts: 70
Great post. Crazy isn't it. I'm sure a few people will find this situation familiar.....
This time a year ago I'd get that drunk I'd find myself going to the ecstacy dealer (operated out of a takeaway) taking a few and then 5 hours ours later snap out of the blackout to find myself in a random 'crackheads' house ( but in true facts just people in the same boat as us), or in a casino with people I didn't know. We're lucky to not be dead, robbed or worse.
This time a year ago I'd get that drunk I'd find myself going to the ecstacy dealer (operated out of a takeaway) taking a few and then 5 hours ours later snap out of the blackout to find myself in a random 'crackheads' house ( but in true facts just people in the same boat as us), or in a casino with people I didn't know. We're lucky to not be dead, robbed or worse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 228
Yes, I can relate to this big-time! We happen to have a very good micro-brewery within about a mile from our home, and the majority of brews have a 6% alcohol content or higher. A couple of them are at about 11%. Heck, I was their best customer.....LOL. The problem is that the brewery owners are great friends, and I have family involved in the brewery as well, so it's a difficult place to avoid.
I'm also a musician, so I often times play music in jazz and blues clubs and various jam sessions. Needless to say, I'm constantly around drinking. It's day 15 for me today, but on day 13 I forced myself to attend a jam session at a bar with full intentions of NOT having a drink. Funny thing is, I felt totally at ease with all of my musician friends and never once found myself tempted to have a drink. One friend in particular has been sober for 15 years, so it was quite nice to sit down with him while discussing sobriety.
Since I really have no option to avoid the "madness" of those drinking around me, I've just found that I need to be in a mindset where my better judgement always tells me that it's absolutely insane for me to ever tip another drink. Of course, after 22 years of drinking while only being the 15th day of my very first shot of sobriety, my words essentially have little or no substance. Still, I feel as though I'm on a mission, and I'm fully determined to conquer this beast to the very best of my ability.
I'm also a musician, so I often times play music in jazz and blues clubs and various jam sessions. Needless to say, I'm constantly around drinking. It's day 15 for me today, but on day 13 I forced myself to attend a jam session at a bar with full intentions of NOT having a drink. Funny thing is, I felt totally at ease with all of my musician friends and never once found myself tempted to have a drink. One friend in particular has been sober for 15 years, so it was quite nice to sit down with him while discussing sobriety.
Since I really have no option to avoid the "madness" of those drinking around me, I've just found that I need to be in a mindset where my better judgement always tells me that it's absolutely insane for me to ever tip another drink. Of course, after 22 years of drinking while only being the 15th day of my very first shot of sobriety, my words essentially have little or no substance. Still, I feel as though I'm on a mission, and I'm fully determined to conquer this beast to the very best of my ability.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I'm right with you on this one ! Alcohol ruled my life everyday. I was obsessed with it. I too am grateful for being sober today! The obsession lifted and life is good. I will never forget the madness. Thanks for the post Neo.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Neo-
I, too, am very happy to be out of the "madness".
You know, I never started off an evening, as I was drinking my first beer at the local bar, thinking to myself "tonight, I'm gonna drink a few beers, then do a few shots, then I'm going to go get coke, and come back to the bar, try to hook up with any female that'll have me, but if I don't hook up I'll end up with a bunch of dudes shoving coke up our faces into the wee hours of the morning, and get way too drunk and coked up to go to work or wherever I was supposed to be the next day.
I always thought it'd be different. What insanity. What madness.
...and even for those who aren't alcoholic...they're in a sort of madness too. My old friends are doing the same thing and even though they're not alcoholic, they're whole social life revolves around alcohol. They're in a cycle too.
One other point is that if I did go back to drinking, I really don't think I would be instantly back where I was. I think it'd be a slow, downward spiral, but eventually right back into the hell from which I came.
I don't ever want to go back there. I'm starting to like the new me. I'm getting better results and I'm actually building something solid and substantial here.
Kjell
I, too, am very happy to be out of the "madness".
You know, I never started off an evening, as I was drinking my first beer at the local bar, thinking to myself "tonight, I'm gonna drink a few beers, then do a few shots, then I'm going to go get coke, and come back to the bar, try to hook up with any female that'll have me, but if I don't hook up I'll end up with a bunch of dudes shoving coke up our faces into the wee hours of the morning, and get way too drunk and coked up to go to work or wherever I was supposed to be the next day.
I always thought it'd be different. What insanity. What madness.
...and even for those who aren't alcoholic...they're in a sort of madness too. My old friends are doing the same thing and even though they're not alcoholic, they're whole social life revolves around alcohol. They're in a cycle too.
One other point is that if I did go back to drinking, I really don't think I would be instantly back where I was. I think it'd be a slow, downward spiral, but eventually right back into the hell from which I came.
I don't ever want to go back there. I'm starting to like the new me. I'm getting better results and I'm actually building something solid and substantial here.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
People say you shouldn't use fear as one of your tools to stay sober. But I still believe a small percentage of my success after a year of sobriety is due to the fact that I never want to go back to the madness. I know that if I buy a bottle of booze I am back where I started, not too far from death.
SH
SH
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Harrisburg, PA
Posts: 15
Fear is what actually has me sober today for good. I drank for 40 years altogether (the last 20 were pretty bad). Also did benzos for the last 13 of those years. In 2008, I entered the AA rooms and thought I had found the answer to sobriety. That lasted about 9 months or so. Just had to go out again for what I thought would be only the "football season" and quit after the Super Bowl. Nearly a year later, still drinking, I started having anxiety attacks between drinking sessions. I knew it was the booze. So, I quit in October 2009 and haven't had a drink since. I stopped the benzos in August 2010. Life has been filled with anxiety and depression since I quit drinking, but I know it will eventually get better (This too shall pass.).
My point is that it took the horrible anxiety attacks for me to see what I was doing to myself. It scared me, and although I have been suffering through PAWS for what seems like eternity, I know I will come out alive and in a much better place than I would ever be if I were still drinking. I will also be off the benzos - something I thought could never happen.
Although I knew intellectually that drinking was insanity, I now know that it is a deadly serious disease. Somehow I missed that the first time around in AA. I have finally hit my bottom after all these years. It's good to be sober, and one day it will also "feel" good.
My point is that it took the horrible anxiety attacks for me to see what I was doing to myself. It scared me, and although I have been suffering through PAWS for what seems like eternity, I know I will come out alive and in a much better place than I would ever be if I were still drinking. I will also be off the benzos - something I thought could never happen.
Although I knew intellectually that drinking was insanity, I now know that it is a deadly serious disease. Somehow I missed that the first time around in AA. I have finally hit my bottom after all these years. It's good to be sober, and one day it will also "feel" good.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by SoberinHburg 
I have been suffering through PAWS for what seems like eternity.
You are not alone.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
On the point about what a person selects to drink as a bit of an indicator of what kind of drinker they are...I think that applies to me too. I don't want to say the brand I drank (because that will probably reveal my identity as the guy who cleaned out that specific brand at all the beer stores in town, ha ha), but it was not a well-known brand with the usual % to it. By numbers alone, it wasn't THAT much higher, but it somehow made a difference to me. I used to refer to the beers with lower than that percentage as "lemonade." That is how I used to express my humour, but there's a sadness associated with it now. And it's also the past and this is now. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
On the topic of fear vs a different approach, I'm not sure what to say. I know that I relate to the idea of fear inside me when I picture the past and what it would mean to go back to it again. I suppose it's a fear to be thankful for. I think that comes in handy for most of us. I think positive encouragement works too. I know that I use both when I talk to people here. In other words, I use language that sounds kind of gloomy (bizarre metaphors maybe) when talking about my experience. I also look at things like hope and possiblity and new starts. I try not to sound like I am sugar-coating and "selling" sobriety, but of course I am sometimes. I know that it takes a person wanting something for themselves too. I believe I roamed onto this site in the past (or one of the ones that the content spills into, it looked different graphically), and I didn't stick around because I wasn't done drinking yet.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Sometimes (on good days) I realize how much easier it is just not to drink...trying to control it took so much of my time and energy...just one, just three, just wine, just weekends, just with food, never more than 2 glasses around the kids....until the morning I woke up, 58 days ago, having blacked out and not remembering putting my kids to bed. I promise my self that will never happen again...and the only way to be sure is to keep on enjoying the seltzer... It gets easier every night, and that's the truth.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by SoberinHburg
Fear is what actually has me sober today.......
My point is that it took the horrible anxiety attacks for me to see what I was doing to myself. It scared me......
My point is that it took the horrible anxiety attacks for me to see what I was doing to myself. It scared me......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Harrisburg, PA
Posts: 15
I had no plan either, now that I think about it. In fact, I was driving on my way to see my sisters and picked up a case of "really good beer" (an oxymoron to me now) to drink when I got there. After I bought the beer, I had incredible anxiety attacks the rest of the way there. I never opened that case of beer and gave it to my son-in-law when I did make it back home.
I know it was God (of my understanding) telling me, "See Don, this is what you are doing to yourself." I had prayed earlier in the summer for Him to make me quit drinking whatever it would take. What's strange is that, many people don't survive the anxiety, depression and so on of PAWS without picking up again. It was because of the anxiety and depression that I "saw the light" and remain sober. Truly a paradox.
Thanks for reminding me. I really had no plan. The times that I did plan to get sober never worked. Guess someone else's plan for me was better.
I know it was God (of my understanding) telling me, "See Don, this is what you are doing to yourself." I had prayed earlier in the summer for Him to make me quit drinking whatever it would take. What's strange is that, many people don't survive the anxiety, depression and so on of PAWS without picking up again. It was because of the anxiety and depression that I "saw the light" and remain sober. Truly a paradox.
Thanks for reminding me. I really had no plan. The times that I did plan to get sober never worked. Guess someone else's plan for me was better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Victoria
Posts: 143
QUOTE=stanleyhouse]People say you shouldn't use fear as one of your tools to stay sober.
when l first got sober l was scared to death and that fear was a large part of what kept me sober. l was scared to pick up the first drink, frightened l would go straight back to the "madness' l had just left and scared the all the yet's lined up, my family, job, licence would happen.
gradually l have surrendered and have found a HP, of my understanding and no longer feel sacared but never forget it's only one drink that will take me straight back to the black hole l was in.
when l first got sober l was scared to death and that fear was a large part of what kept me sober. l was scared to pick up the first drink, frightened l would go straight back to the "madness' l had just left and scared the all the yet's lined up, my family, job, licence would happen.
gradually l have surrendered and have found a HP, of my understanding and no longer feel sacared but never forget it's only one drink that will take me straight back to the black hole l was in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
SoberinHburg
We have about the same timeline, even down to the summer planning. I was determined to go off the benzos and the booze at the same time, patients at rehab thought I was nuts. It has worked out well for me but I have been lucky with the old standard depression meds and when I have depression relapses talk therapy with God and CBT seems to work.
But I know what you mean about never going back to the anxiety, hell I couldn't leave the house I was so nervous.
I let people know how progressive this disease is, but I hope, like others, I share the amazing value of living sober.
SH
We have about the same timeline, even down to the summer planning. I was determined to go off the benzos and the booze at the same time, patients at rehab thought I was nuts. It has worked out well for me but I have been lucky with the old standard depression meds and when I have depression relapses talk therapy with God and CBT seems to work.
But I know what you mean about never going back to the anxiety, hell I couldn't leave the house I was so nervous.
I let people know how progressive this disease is, but I hope, like others, I share the amazing value of living sober.
SH
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Grateful to be sober and moving forwards. It's so easy to forget where you've come from and the progress that you've made and are making. I have to make sure that I don't fall into this trap as I know that I'm making progress and doing everything I need to do to get to where I want to get to. It would be easy to look at a situation and think to myself "if only?" But that's how I used to think and get wrapped up in that train of thought and just drink and drug myself into oblivion and basically just give up and drop out.
I often think that eventuallly I will get that little bit of serendipidy and I have faith that will happen. I'm doing what I need to do and I portray the person that I am content and happy portraying, I am a grateful alcoholic and addict in recovery and I am grateful that I experienced what I experienced as it's lead me to where I am now...
I am off out tonight and will be surrounded by booze and people having a good time and that's just fine. I'm grateful that I am so solid in my acceptance and openness about my alcoholism and that people know the score who need to know the score. There is no bashfullness on my part or their part and that's the way it needs to be for this alkie and addict. I don't not drink or drug because I'm against it or didn't relate but because I'm an alcoholic and addict, plain and simple. I am grateful that I experienced all of the moments I experienced in my past, both good and bad, and it's great that I have no shame anymore and can just be myself...
Have a great friday night all, Grateful that I'm out of the madness 'just for today'.
Peace
I often think that eventuallly I will get that little bit of serendipidy and I have faith that will happen. I'm doing what I need to do and I portray the person that I am content and happy portraying, I am a grateful alcoholic and addict in recovery and I am grateful that I experienced what I experienced as it's lead me to where I am now...
I am off out tonight and will be surrounded by booze and people having a good time and that's just fine. I'm grateful that I am so solid in my acceptance and openness about my alcoholism and that people know the score who need to know the score. There is no bashfullness on my part or their part and that's the way it needs to be for this alkie and addict. I don't not drink or drug because I'm against it or didn't relate but because I'm an alcoholic and addict, plain and simple. I am grateful that I experienced all of the moments I experienced in my past, both good and bad, and it's great that I have no shame anymore and can just be myself...
Have a great friday night all, Grateful that I'm out of the madness 'just for today'.
Peace
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
It always amazes me how certain people ie- most people, manage to drink so little when they're out drinking and how they don't wish to just get obliterated. For me then I didn't relate really to those people back in my drinking days that much and I tended to frequent the "notorious" pubs in the town, specifically one particular boozer. The people in there then I related to as they are there for the sole purpose of getting absolutely blasted. Pint after pint, double after double, Coke snorted openly and weed smoked out the back, that was where I related to when i used to go out really. I guess it takes one to know one...
It's funny to see the same DJ rolling up for Friday and Saturday night week in week out and the place guaranteed to be packed out, full of total and utter wasters. No place that you would dream of going if you were sober. many normal people wouldn't dream of setting foot in there, and i guess that shows the difference between me and them, I guess i always related to wasters ha-ha, but it took me down...
Anyway, grateful to be sober and grateful that I have total and utter certainty that I'm an alcoholic and addict. The more I go along in my recovery then the more I realise how much drugs played a massive part in my story too, I am definately first an foremost an alcoholic but undoubtedly an addict too, specifically Coke head. Normal people not into drugs on a night out seems kinda weird to me as all of the racking up lines in toilets and walking out into gig with the music blasting and loads of people dancing and chatting was the ultimate euphoric blast in many ways, I don't say that with any euphoric recall but just with an appreciative honesty; that i experienced that and managed to come out the other side and accept that it's all long since over and was for a long time. The good times were long since over and I was just a drunk and a chain smoking snivelling Coke-head.
Grateful to be sober...
Peace.
It's funny to see the same DJ rolling up for Friday and Saturday night week in week out and the place guaranteed to be packed out, full of total and utter wasters. No place that you would dream of going if you were sober. many normal people wouldn't dream of setting foot in there, and i guess that shows the difference between me and them, I guess i always related to wasters ha-ha, but it took me down...
Anyway, grateful to be sober and grateful that I have total and utter certainty that I'm an alcoholic and addict. The more I go along in my recovery then the more I realise how much drugs played a massive part in my story too, I am definately first an foremost an alcoholic but undoubtedly an addict too, specifically Coke head. Normal people not into drugs on a night out seems kinda weird to me as all of the racking up lines in toilets and walking out into gig with the music blasting and loads of people dancing and chatting was the ultimate euphoric blast in many ways, I don't say that with any euphoric recall but just with an appreciative honesty; that i experienced that and managed to come out the other side and accept that it's all long since over and was for a long time. The good times were long since over and I was just a drunk and a chain smoking snivelling Coke-head.
Grateful to be sober...
Peace.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
