losing people once in recovery
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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losing people once in recovery
I've seen references here to letting go of unhealthy people once you really start to find some recovery.
How does this typically happen? It seems to be hapening to me every time I turn around, which makes me wonder if I am pushing them away? The old friendships just aren't working anymore and I don't understand who these people are that I have been friends with for years.
One friend told me that she avoids me because she can't deal with the guilt of hurting me in a certain circumstance so seeing me is painful to her, but that she loves me and thinks the world of me. wth? is that how friends act?
I want to say that when I feel guilty about something, I address it by trying to do the right thing from then on and not commit the original faux pas again. In other words, I seek to repair the relationship or the rift.
I am being confronted with a hard case of actions speaking louder than words. Is this typical?
How does this typically happen? It seems to be hapening to me every time I turn around, which makes me wonder if I am pushing them away? The old friendships just aren't working anymore and I don't understand who these people are that I have been friends with for years.
One friend told me that she avoids me because she can't deal with the guilt of hurting me in a certain circumstance so seeing me is painful to her, but that she loves me and thinks the world of me. wth? is that how friends act?
I want to say that when I feel guilty about something, I address it by trying to do the right thing from then on and not commit the original faux pas again. In other words, I seek to repair the relationship or the rift.
I am being confronted with a hard case of actions speaking louder than words. Is this typical?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I don't mean to be vague about my situation - I have just talked one instance to death.
1. Specifically, a friend has told me that she loves me and is my friend, but she knows that she hurt my feelings (excluded me from a trip with other friends), and the GUILT over hurting me causes her to avoid me and that is why she hasn't acknowledged my presence in over a month.
2. Another friend is re-establishing a relationship with an abusive man after I and others spent 3 months hearing her cry about how awful and abusive he was to her. She has sent him to my house so that he can apologize to ME for the way he treated HER and she thinks that I can then be supportive of their relationship. Abusive boyfriends scare the he!! out of me and I can't support or encourage their relationship. So friend and I aren't talking anymore.
Objectively, I can see that neither of these girls is acting in ways that make any sense to me. Their words go one way and their actions another.
3. A man I was seeing told me that he decided I wan't the one for him, but that he really wants to be here for me as a friend because he really, really likes me a lot. After he told me this bit of news, he has made no further effort at contact.
I am dealing with each situation individually, but it really feels like I am being rained on in terms of relationships and I am out of sync with everybody else in the world.
Is this typical?
1. Specifically, a friend has told me that she loves me and is my friend, but she knows that she hurt my feelings (excluded me from a trip with other friends), and the GUILT over hurting me causes her to avoid me and that is why she hasn't acknowledged my presence in over a month.
2. Another friend is re-establishing a relationship with an abusive man after I and others spent 3 months hearing her cry about how awful and abusive he was to her. She has sent him to my house so that he can apologize to ME for the way he treated HER and she thinks that I can then be supportive of their relationship. Abusive boyfriends scare the he!! out of me and I can't support or encourage their relationship. So friend and I aren't talking anymore.
Objectively, I can see that neither of these girls is acting in ways that make any sense to me. Their words go one way and their actions another.
3. A man I was seeing told me that he decided I wan't the one for him, but that he really wants to be here for me as a friend because he really, really likes me a lot. After he told me this bit of news, he has made no further effort at contact.
I am dealing with each situation individually, but it really feels like I am being rained on in terms of relationships and I am out of sync with everybody else in the world.
Is this typical?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Although I can't say I have experienced these same situations with friends before, I think the larger question is to ask yourself, "How would I have handled, reacted, or responded to each of these people in these scenarios before I got into Recovery?" Because I know that personally, I started letting go of relationships that just weren't working for me any longer. The other person may have been acting the same as s/he ever was but I was no longer engaging, reacting, or holding on. I've had to leave many people behind this way.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Yup, what L2L said. This has been happening for me a lot lately as well.
Another interesting phenomenon that I've noticed, however, is that as I let go of the friends I need to let go of (and Stella, I've had VERY similar situations as you) I have had other people come into my life that I can see are SO much healthier. The hardest part was sitting with the "void" until I could begin to recognize healthy behaviors in my newer friends. It has been an amazing process, although painful at times.
And there are all kinds of red flags to pay attention to: actions vs. words are a really good indicator, as is respecting my boundaries. I don't think these old friends are different, I think I am. It's inevitable that not everyone can make the journey through recovery with us, and when I can grieve that, I can let it go more easily.
I have best coped with the "void" by going to more meetings, reaching out to Alanon friends who are actively working the program, connecting with my sponsor more, doing reading, and saying really nice things to myself as much as possible.
Sending you hugs, Stella. It won't always feel this way...keep on keepin' on...
Hugs,
posie
Another interesting phenomenon that I've noticed, however, is that as I let go of the friends I need to let go of (and Stella, I've had VERY similar situations as you) I have had other people come into my life that I can see are SO much healthier. The hardest part was sitting with the "void" until I could begin to recognize healthy behaviors in my newer friends. It has been an amazing process, although painful at times.
And there are all kinds of red flags to pay attention to: actions vs. words are a really good indicator, as is respecting my boundaries. I don't think these old friends are different, I think I am. It's inevitable that not everyone can make the journey through recovery with us, and when I can grieve that, I can let it go more easily.
I have best coped with the "void" by going to more meetings, reaching out to Alanon friends who are actively working the program, connecting with my sponsor more, doing reading, and saying really nice things to myself as much as possible.
Sending you hugs, Stella. It won't always feel this way...keep on keepin' on...
Hugs,
posie
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It seems to happen all at once sometimes, huh? My Grandma used to say things happened in series of 3's...maybe this is your three right now and you'll have some smooth sailing ahead!
I, too, am learning about relationships. Like L2L said, I've had to let go of relationships they just weren't working for me, regardless of what was happening with the other person. And like posiesperson says above - my experience has been that when one door closes...another door opens...! Hang in there, do little things to take your mind off of this - exercise is good, reading a book, going shopping (i love retail therapy, even when its just something small like a new scenty-lotion). It helps to stay busy. I took a 45 minute walk yesterday and it was so helpful to clear my head, even at 10 degrees outside.
I, too, am learning about relationships. Like L2L said, I've had to let go of relationships they just weren't working for me, regardless of what was happening with the other person. And like posiesperson says above - my experience has been that when one door closes...another door opens...! Hang in there, do little things to take your mind off of this - exercise is good, reading a book, going shopping (i love retail therapy, even when its just something small like a new scenty-lotion). It helps to stay busy. I took a 45 minute walk yesterday and it was so helpful to clear my head, even at 10 degrees outside.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I operate on the feeling that friends and loved ones should be adding to my life, not taking from it. When there is more of me going out then I am getting back, then I have no problem stopping the friendship, relationship, whatever.
I no longer surround myself by friends who suck all the joy out of my life. What happened when I did that is it strengthed the healthy friendships because I had more time for the good people who added to my life.
Plus some people just drag drama around in friendships and it gets tiring keeping up with that all the time.
I do have days though where I wonder what is 'wrong' with people but what happens is I am forced to look inwards and work on myself during those times.
Hang in there!
I no longer surround myself by friends who suck all the joy out of my life. What happened when I did that is it strengthed the healthy friendships because I had more time for the good people who added to my life.
Plus some people just drag drama around in friendships and it gets tiring keeping up with that all the time.
I do have days though where I wonder what is 'wrong' with people but what happens is I am forced to look inwards and work on myself during those times.
Hang in there!
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This ties in directly to what I logged on to talk about today... and I try to do what one of my (Buddhist) friends tells me all the time -- "bring it back to yourself!"
I find that four years into recovery, I'm noticing more and more how I have a similar function and attitude in other relationships that I had with RAXH. Most prominently, I had a conversation with my mother this morning that has me reeling.
So the insight I'm having is multifaceted.
First of all -- change scares people. Even the people that have supported me in leaving my AH are worried about seeing me change, and have a hard time dealing with it. It's like seeing me change worries them, and I'm not sure why, but I've decided not to worry about the why, just try to find ways to deal with the fact itself.
Secondly -- I'm noticing, like I said, that it's not just in relation to my RAXH that I had a certain "position" in the relationship. I've always been a people-pleaser, always tried to make people around me happy, felt like it was my responsibility to make sure people around me were happy. (My counselor calls it "The Atlas Complex" and I'm finally getting to the bottom of where it originated.) So my family and friends are used to me doing what they tell me to do as well as refraining from doing things they tell me not to. And now that I'm making decisions on my own, and establishing strong boundaries, and -- gasp -- even saying the dreaded N-word, "NO".... they don't know what to make of it.
And the frustrating thing is that they're trying to get me back to where I was. I haven't had an issue with my mother since I moved out of their house when I was 18, but today, she was clearly crossing boundaries and I realized that as much as I love and adore her, she (and my father) is the original context in which I learned to react to emotional blackmail. It slugged me like a two-by-four and I'm kind of reeling from the realization. It will take a lot to find a way for my new self to function in that relationship.
That was a lot of stuff about me. But I'm thinking maybe some of it applies to you. Maybe your friends have a hard time with you changing? Maybe they want you to remain the same person you've been, because you've been comfortable to them in that position? And maybe the whole idea of change threatens them?
As for the woman who wants you to accept her getting back into a relationship with an abusive man? I've been there, with a friend who did that. I stood by her and supported her while most of her other friends left. I was still with an AH, and somehow, it felt better to me (sick as it may sound) that she couldn't leave either. If it happened today, I would probably have drawn a boundary and said, "I can't support you in this choice. I will always be your friend, but if you choose to let this man back into your life, I don't want to hear you talk about how hard your life is." Or something to that effect.
It's overwhelming some days to realize how getting out of a relationship to an A affects every aspect of your life, isn't it? I know it is to me.
I find that four years into recovery, I'm noticing more and more how I have a similar function and attitude in other relationships that I had with RAXH. Most prominently, I had a conversation with my mother this morning that has me reeling.
So the insight I'm having is multifaceted.
First of all -- change scares people. Even the people that have supported me in leaving my AH are worried about seeing me change, and have a hard time dealing with it. It's like seeing me change worries them, and I'm not sure why, but I've decided not to worry about the why, just try to find ways to deal with the fact itself.
Secondly -- I'm noticing, like I said, that it's not just in relation to my RAXH that I had a certain "position" in the relationship. I've always been a people-pleaser, always tried to make people around me happy, felt like it was my responsibility to make sure people around me were happy. (My counselor calls it "The Atlas Complex" and I'm finally getting to the bottom of where it originated.) So my family and friends are used to me doing what they tell me to do as well as refraining from doing things they tell me not to. And now that I'm making decisions on my own, and establishing strong boundaries, and -- gasp -- even saying the dreaded N-word, "NO".... they don't know what to make of it.
And the frustrating thing is that they're trying to get me back to where I was. I haven't had an issue with my mother since I moved out of their house when I was 18, but today, she was clearly crossing boundaries and I realized that as much as I love and adore her, she (and my father) is the original context in which I learned to react to emotional blackmail. It slugged me like a two-by-four and I'm kind of reeling from the realization. It will take a lot to find a way for my new self to function in that relationship.
That was a lot of stuff about me. But I'm thinking maybe some of it applies to you. Maybe your friends have a hard time with you changing? Maybe they want you to remain the same person you've been, because you've been comfortable to them in that position? And maybe the whole idea of change threatens them?
As for the woman who wants you to accept her getting back into a relationship with an abusive man? I've been there, with a friend who did that. I stood by her and supported her while most of her other friends left. I was still with an AH, and somehow, it felt better to me (sick as it may sound) that she couldn't leave either. If it happened today, I would probably have drawn a boundary and said, "I can't support you in this choice. I will always be your friend, but if you choose to let this man back into your life, I don't want to hear you talk about how hard your life is." Or something to that effect.
It's overwhelming some days to realize how getting out of a relationship to an A affects every aspect of your life, isn't it? I know it is to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
But I'm thinking maybe some of it applies to you. Maybe your friends have a hard time with you changing? Maybe they want you to remain the same person you've been, because you've been comfortable to them in that position? And maybe the whole idea of change threatens them?
People get comfortable, even when miserable. You changing does directly threaten the status quo. But have compassion and patience; if these are people meant to be in your life, they will transition with you, even if its a bit bumpy at first. If they aren't, they won't and the writing will be on the wall.
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