marie78

Sometimes it's easier to forgive the alcoholic parent than it is to forgive the parent who didn't drink (if you had one). My stepfather drank heavily and was violent and verbally abusive for several years during my teenage years. He stopped drinking heavily at least 7 or 8 years ago, and I have since been able to forgive him. But it's my mother I feel I can never forgive for putting me and my little brother in that kind of situation to begin with. I still hold on to a lot of childhood rage, anger, and disappointment toward her for what she allowed to happen in my childhood. My childhood was already pretty miserable before my step-dad came on the scene was I was 12 years old. After he arrived, I felt my childhood was utterly decimated. I was never a child. I feel like my mother robbed me in such a deep way, that I can never recover what was lost or what might have been.

It is very difficult to forgive a person who constantly says "stop blaming me for your life, I did the best I could", when any sane and functional parent knows full well that subjecting your children to violence, fear, and abuse is not 'doing the best you can'. I go over and over it in my head and can't come up with a reason that she wouldn't stand up and say ENOUGH, my children won't live like this anymore. All of her attempts to stand up for herself and us were so half-hearted and inconsistent it isn't even funny.

So what I'm left with is not anger for the step-parent with the addiction problem, but for the actual parent who never protected me. What do you do with such useless anger?? I can never get back what was lost.

marie78

just wanted to clarify something - my stepfather was not physically abusive toward my mother, but he was violent in other ways. He broke furniture, punched walls, smashed mirrors, etc. He never hit my mother though he would sometimes threaten to. He once grabbed me by the hair and tried to break a beer bottle over my head and we would often get into physical altercations as I tried to step in and protect my mom.

hps

One counsellor I saw for a bit told me that alcoholism is a form of mental illness, and so the alcoholic is to some degree insane. But the person who stays with the alcoholic must also have a form of insanity, to be subjecting themselves (and children) to this.

Maybe have a look at your mother in this light? Don't excuse the behaviour of her, or the stepfather. But it would be good to get some sort of forgiveness, otherwise you are stuck in the same scene as your mother and step-father, so that you are having your own form of insanity...

Crusinthrulife

I too had a codependant mother; which is a form of mental illness - they are unable to detach from the dysfunction of the disease - they crave the excitement and uncertainity and can't leave; if it wasn't there, she would create it. I've read some good books on codependency.

I can't say I condone my mothers behavior, but I try to understand it - unfortunately, she is still doing it and hooks up with people who need fixing. I can't say it doesn't make me angry, but I know without the hard childhood I had, I wouldn't be the strong person I am today. I've been on the roller coaster from hell for the last four years and without the hard upbringing, I probably would be in a psyc ward by now.

So - I guess you have to look at the good and the bad, but I never blamed her for my childhood, I just moved on and I hope I can do better and I have for my children. The sad thing is my mother can't fix it and she still lives it.

marie78

Well, I can say my mother was a good mother up until the age of 12 years old. At 12 the step-father came along. Her excuse is, she was alone for 12 long years and she was lonely. It's true. She never dated anyone for nearly a decade and dedicated herself totally to her children. I guess that's why for me the betrayal seemed so unexpected and unforgivable. I'm not sure what "just move on" means. I mean, how do you actually do it??

I have tried moving on by distancing myself from her, moving several cities away, etc. But, whenever I speak with her, she tends to bring up family problems (now not related to alcoholism just other negative goings on). Anyway, I just don't know. I don't foresee ever being able to fully break the ties that bind us, barring her eventual death.

thanks for your responses.

julez

Marie, my stepfather was also abusive, physically and emotionally to my mother and myself. I have always held anger towards her for that, and for many other things.
My stepfather, even though he's a real a**hole, makes an effort in my life, where my mother does not. So, him and I have a better relationship, despite the abuse, because at least he cares!
I distance myself from my mom whenever I can.
She actually called me the other day, asking about my teen daughter, and saying that if theres something going on in her life, that she wants to know about it. I said "Mom, she's 16.. its too late. I can't believe I said that, but it just came flying out!
There are some things that although we cant forgive, we have to let go. Its only hurting you when you don't. I only talk to mmy mom when its necessary, and I keep it very short. Thats all you can do!

pattenat

Yikes. Hi, I'm one of those Mom's. I'd have to say I could see my kids posting something like this in a few years (even now). I know my kids lives have been hell for the past 7 years. I'd say that sums up a good portion of their childhood!

I've been a heavy drinker for the past 5 years and have recently taken steps toward sobriety. I'm active in AA and have just over 30 days. I got to a point in my life that I knew I had to do something or kill myself.

I hope to God that my kids can find the forgiveness in thier hearts not to accept what they've been through the past several years but to take from it what they can and use it as a postive in their life. Any lessons they may have learned or behaviors they have seen that they may or may not want as a part of thier lives or personalities.

Maybe you could take a look at your mom's childhood or past experiences and begin to understand why your family was in the position it was for those years. Did she have a similar upbringing? There are books that will help you to understand the though process and behaviors of the codependent. Not that this is to be used as an excuse but as a tool to understand why. There may even be things you learn you could share with her to help her.

Then maybe just a little patience, healing and time may be the answer.

Thank you for sharing this post!

Kjell

Hi Marie-

Do you, really, honestly, want to forgive your mother?

I would start there.

Kjell

marie78

Yes, I do and I'm working on it. As circumstances would have it, I am living with my mother and stepfather now after having been unemployed for over a year and basically having nowhere else to go. I suppose that is why these issues have become so raw again for me, being in this house and remembering the past. It wasn't something I dwelled on in the years that I was away.

My mother says her father was not an alcoholic but does remember several instances where he was drunk and acted violently, not toward her and her siblings but like my stepfather he destroyed furniture and was threatening but never hit anyone. I argued with my mother the other day about how those things obviously effected her choice in men. My father also was a heavy drinker but could control himself and was never violent or belligerent with others. I would venture to guess that her father's drinking problem went beyond just those few instances that she remembers. My grandmother was the type to try and cover everything up for the children's sake. So it is no wonder my mother reacted in the same way. Her two siblings are both alcoholics, a fact my grandmother is in complete denial about also. I think it is likely her father was an alcoholic himself, but my mother swears he was not. Realistically, she may not have been fully aware of what was going on since he left the family when she was 14. I think there is a lot she may have blocked out to protect herself.

When I try to confront or even speak to my mother about her own childhood or mine she clams up and looks frightened. I told her I felt robbed of my childhood and she said that was impossible because I had 12 years of my childhood without the influence of the stepfather. But 12 years old is not an adult, which is something she does not seem to understand. I had no power, I explained to her. I had no control over what happened to me during those years. But you did, I told her. She just stared at me blankly. I asked her if she thought it was okay and normal for a mother stay with a violent alcoholic and subject her children to being terrorized and frightened on a constant basis. She said she just did what most women would do in her position. I could only shake my head and reply that I didn't think she knew what "normal" was and that if that if she thought that was normal she had some serious issues of her own. "I'm sorry", is all she can ever say. "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything or erase what her bad decisions brought into my life. I realize now that she is just not capable of understanding the impact of what happened to me or her responsibility in it. All I can do is move on as best I know how. I'm afraid though that the bitterness of a lost childhood will always remain with me. I have to let my anger toward my mother go, which becomes easier the more lost I realize she must truly be.

tromboneliness

This is just one of those things. Your mother may or may not 'fess up to any of this stuff. My Dad never had any clue, in 47 years, that there was anything wrong with the way he treated us -- and I never talked to him about it, because there was no point in it. He'd just have gotten all belligerent and superior, because he was a Superior Form of Life™ and therefore above reproach.

That's where ACA and/or Al-Anon come in -- they help me work on these issues regardless of what level of acknowledgement/denial was shown by my parents. In order to make progress, I have to work on my program, not get too hooked into what they were or weren't willing to do. Now that they're gone -- having left a pile of smoking wreckage behind -- I have a lot of sh*t to deal with... but this is something that doesn't depend on them acknowledging what lousy parents they were.

My sister used to try to talk to my Dad about stuff like this. All it did was annoy him -- because he had no clue. Now that he's gone, she has the same issues I do... but is in as deep a state of denial as my Dad, so she's not going to resolve anything. Oh well -- I've sent her the ACA big red book, and so on, and she has actually gone to an Al-Anon meeting or two, on occasion -- but she still insists that we had a great childhood, that anything bad that happened was her fault, etc. Nothing I can do about that.

T

Wascally Wabbit

I never believed that cliche line of "I did the best I could." It's BS all the way through. What my mom should say is, "I was a horrible mom, and I am sorry I did that to you." That would be more honest and truthful, right?
Alas! We can't force others to see their faults. Either they are brave enough to look at what they've done, or they make these standard statements, excusing themselves from wrongdoing.
Never the less, since I can't do anything about her, I can at least not let it destroy me. I can rise up and be something good to my own children. The abuse stopped with me.

positiveadjust

wow you have gone through those? i must say that you are one humble daughter and I commend u for that. how is your dad doingg now/ Aight, you take care =)

marie78

He still drinks every day. But only one or two light beers. He doesn't get drunk often and he hasn't been violent like that in nearly 10 years.

Still, if you ask my mom if she thinks she married an alcoholic she'll tell you no.

escape artist

sometimes we forget how it was in those days of our parents. moms didn't have the choices we have now-and many were stuck in bad situations. many were raised to think they really didn't have any power to protect their children because they were second class citizens with no rights. we have come a long way baby.

discontentmiser

hi,

I'm right now struggling with similar anger towards my mother for her lack of action and somewhat abandonment.
Although I never had a stepdad, since my AF and my mom stayed together for 20 years, it really hurts when a parents response, if she ever acknowledges my problems, is "I'm sorry. What could I do to help?"

As if I know! I'm supposed to be the kid here!

We're both in recovery, so I know she has her own issues she's trying to deal with, but seeing as I'm only really been in touch with my anger for less than two years ( towards AF; a few weeks towards mom) I think I can afford to stay pissed off for a while longer.

dbh

Hi. I'm an ACA and I went through something similar. For most of my life, my alcoholic father was the "bad guy". The rest of my family of origin blamed him for all the problems. Even after my mother and father divorced we kept him as our common enemy. We were even under the impression that the things we lived through together made us closer.

As I worked my way through therapy and recovery, I finally got to a place were I could forgive my father. I purchased the Big Red Book (BRB) and workbook from the WSO/ACA and by going through exercises I started to see my father as just another product of a dysfunctional family. He learned to use alcohol to escape from his pain just as I learned to use co-dependent behavior, people pleasing, throwing myself into work, etc.

I wasn't able to truly forgive my father though until the last couple years of his life. He had developed dementia and was placed in an assisted living facility. When he moved there I think I finally felt safe. I felt like he couldn't hurt me anymore. I was also forced to accept the fact that he was never going to be the father that I always wanted.

As I was working through all my issues with my father, I started to see my mother in a different light. She never had an addiction problem, but was co-dependent, would often create friction between my siblings and me, and tried to control what we did/thought/felt. When we were young, just as we were taught to hate our father, we were also taught to put my mother on a pedestal. She was the one who suffered, she was the one who made so many sacrificies, she was the parent who truly loved us.

Realizing that she wasn't the perfect mother and seeing that she was dysfunctional too was difficult for me to process. For the first time I gave myself permission to be angry at her and it almost felt almost sacrilegious.

Slowly I was able to work through these feelings and she's still a part of my life. I don't talk to her nearly as often as I used to, but that feels healthier to me.

I set boundaries with my mother and I tell her when things she does now upset me or are unacceptable. However, I no longer try to force her to face her issues or past.

I've been hanging around recovery "rooms" for 3 years and over that time I have heard and read many heartbreaking stories. Really bad things happen to children and they leave lasting scars. It's very easy to make a child feel worthless, shameful, unimportant, and unloved. Children develop ways to protect themselves and not all are able to stop using these unhealthy ways of coping with life.

Boy am I rambling!

To sum it up, I've learned to forgive by seeing that my parents are similar to me, products of a dysfunctional home.

I've learned to accept others as they are by realizing that you can not force someone to "see" what they don't want or are not ready to see. Some things are too painful to face and some coping mechanisms work really well.

There's an expression that you "don't change until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change".

I really want to change and want the dysfunction to end with me, but I still struggle with old habits and ways of coping.

That's why I'm so grateful for recovery and sites like this!

Thank you for sharing your story and for letting me share.

Best Wishes,

db

itsthesecret

Kjell, that really is a million dollar question. I've had plenty of counselling around childhood trauma and I love my mum. My mum was a chronic alcoholic with psychotic behaviour, i saw and received a lot of violence. There is an unconscious part of me that finds it very hard to let go, and that is the part that can make me react badly to some situations.
As far as my drinking goes, I'm over five years sober now and doing fabulously in my life. It's just that letting go and completely forgiving my mum that keeps me a prisoner.