Need advice on what to do about friends that drink
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
What is the scenario? You don't have to have people drinking in your home and you can avoid putting yourself into a position to drink when going out. Many of us found that once we embraced recovery, we did have to weed out some of our past relationships because they were detrimental to our recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Ouch...living with a hard drinking parent is rough (I've been there)....any chance you can move? I have boundaries with my parents now and I am working on strengthening them. I am fortunate that my friends aren't heavy drinkers which is why I drank alone. They might be a little confused why I no longeew drink but its not something they are going to argue with.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
I had to change my people, places, and things or else I honestly don't think I'd have gotten sober.
Understanding your situation from this post, but you may have to make some tough decisions to protect your sobriety.
You may have heard this before, but there is truth in it. "Anything you put in front of your sobriety may be in danger of being lost" (or something like that).
Kjell
Understanding your situation from this post, but you may have to make some tough decisions to protect your sobriety.
You may have heard this before, but there is truth in it. "Anything you put in front of your sobriety may be in danger of being lost" (or something like that).
Kjell
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I had to make a lot of tough calls in my early sobriety...for me, not being around drinkers was one of them.
It was hard but i had to do it - I'd allowed myself to be sucked back into joining in too many times to count.
Looking back I'm glad I put my recovery first and did that then.
If there's really no alternative (and I mean really) you'll find others here who live with drinkers....I think they'd have to lean on their support networks, like this place, an awful lot.
D
It was hard but i had to do it - I'd allowed myself to be sucked back into joining in too many times to count.
Looking back I'm glad I put my recovery first and did that then.
If there's really no alternative (and I mean really) you'll find others here who live with drinkers....I think they'd have to lean on their support networks, like this place, an awful lot.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Yeah this is a big one. I had surrounded myself with drinkers ..we find each other that is for sure. I had to regroup. I am slowly getting more sober people in my life. It is worth it. I also found on the rare occasions that I am with drinkers that I don't miss it. Drunken banter is hard to keep up with when you are not drinking that is for sure! I hope you find better options..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 52
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Realizing you've got to make a change! Excellent step forward!
Can you find other places to go to occupy your time? These have worked for me, I'm sure others can add more:
- Weight room at the Y
- Free lectures
- Long walks in the woods
- Workshop in the basement with loud table saws
- Reading room at the library
- Small groups at church
- Tending the backyard garden
- Woodcarving class
- Early movies ('cause they're cheaper)
Its been kind of hard to do because as a drinker I liked to be left alone. Now I'm forcing myself out with all these people, but they're sober people.
Can you find other places to go to occupy your time? These have worked for me, I'm sure others can add more:
- Weight room at the Y
- Free lectures
- Long walks in the woods
- Workshop in the basement with loud table saws
- Reading room at the library
- Small groups at church
- Tending the backyard garden
- Woodcarving class
- Early movies ('cause they're cheaper)
Its been kind of hard to do because as a drinker I liked to be left alone. Now I'm forcing myself out with all these people, but they're sober people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Try, some people find out after a while that not all of their friends were really good friends after all. All depends on what's important to them and to you. Sometimes the abstinence from drinking comes across as an affront to others and other people get the idea that you are somehow commenting on their drinking. There are also those that don't care in the least and pay no attention to it - or get behind you on your decision and act supportive. All shapes and sizes.
Through all that, it's what matters to you that has to be at the top even if it looks selfish.
Just to give a couple of examples, I have one set of friends that treated my news like it was play-acting. They told me to come down from my cross, like I was being hard on myself or trying to absorb the drama of a dead friend for myself. That was an indication that they had no clue what I was saying and weren't interested in what I was going through. Haven't been back in touch with them for a year and it'll probably stay that way. We were drifting apart anyway.
A different example is a work friend who I think is a bit of a binge drinker. My drinking method was not what I would call closet drinker (I never spoke any denial about it), but I was really good at being a non-participant in drinking when other people were around for the sake of appearance (and so that I could get home and do all my drinking there). So when I would agree to grab a dinner at a restaurant that had a bar with this friend after work, I would have either 0 drinks or 1 drink maximum and just let her have her 4 or 5. After I left the company, I told her about my changes, how I had quit and what the reality was for me. She would conveniently forget this when she would ask me to meet her (so that she could drink) and one time she even left me a message midway through the evening asking me to come to a bar. Her other work friends had left and she was starting to get loaded with alcohol. The whole set of information about me (and the important "journey," as we like to call it) was out of her mind. She hasn't called since then (may even realize her mistake) and that's how I want it. She's got a journey of her own to make.
There's still another example I can give, and she is a better friend, but she's got a boyfriend, and I'm single, so I get excluded a lot - even though the boyfriend is OK with me (it's a guy thing). She doesn't believe what I have told her, I know it. I can tell she equates addiction with evil, and since she can't see me as evil and scary, she thinks I am just distraught and don't know how to assess my situation properly. So I just let minimal contact happen when it does and go on.
All of the people I have mentioned are people that drink. One of them is probably an alcoholic; another set are people that used to drink a lot and are slowing down; and the other set drink once in a while and they stop in a hurry too. They're all on a different path from mine and none of them has embraced what I have told them. I wish I hadn't told them in a way, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore, because I accept that I can't make others accept me.
In the future, I suppose I won't share it so readily, unless I make friends who are in recovery. I haven't gone to AA, but maybe I will make some by showing up at some meetings. (Of course I have been saying that for a year.) Time will tell, and in the meantime, I have gone on without going back to drinking and that's the way it needs to be for me.
I think everybody has to figure out what works for them.
Through all that, it's what matters to you that has to be at the top even if it looks selfish.
Just to give a couple of examples, I have one set of friends that treated my news like it was play-acting. They told me to come down from my cross, like I was being hard on myself or trying to absorb the drama of a dead friend for myself. That was an indication that they had no clue what I was saying and weren't interested in what I was going through. Haven't been back in touch with them for a year and it'll probably stay that way. We were drifting apart anyway.
A different example is a work friend who I think is a bit of a binge drinker. My drinking method was not what I would call closet drinker (I never spoke any denial about it), but I was really good at being a non-participant in drinking when other people were around for the sake of appearance (and so that I could get home and do all my drinking there). So when I would agree to grab a dinner at a restaurant that had a bar with this friend after work, I would have either 0 drinks or 1 drink maximum and just let her have her 4 or 5. After I left the company, I told her about my changes, how I had quit and what the reality was for me. She would conveniently forget this when she would ask me to meet her (so that she could drink) and one time she even left me a message midway through the evening asking me to come to a bar. Her other work friends had left and she was starting to get loaded with alcohol. The whole set of information about me (and the important "journey," as we like to call it) was out of her mind. She hasn't called since then (may even realize her mistake) and that's how I want it. She's got a journey of her own to make.
There's still another example I can give, and she is a better friend, but she's got a boyfriend, and I'm single, so I get excluded a lot - even though the boyfriend is OK with me (it's a guy thing). She doesn't believe what I have told her, I know it. I can tell she equates addiction with evil, and since she can't see me as evil and scary, she thinks I am just distraught and don't know how to assess my situation properly. So I just let minimal contact happen when it does and go on.
All of the people I have mentioned are people that drink. One of them is probably an alcoholic; another set are people that used to drink a lot and are slowing down; and the other set drink once in a while and they stop in a hurry too. They're all on a different path from mine and none of them has embraced what I have told them. I wish I hadn't told them in a way, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore, because I accept that I can't make others accept me.
In the future, I suppose I won't share it so readily, unless I make friends who are in recovery. I haven't gone to AA, but maybe I will make some by showing up at some meetings. (Of course I have been saying that for a year.) Time will tell, and in the meantime, I have gone on without going back to drinking and that's the way it needs to be for me.
I think everybody has to figure out what works for them.
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