theuncertainty

that the visitation schedule and circumstances would change. That I would ever get a full weekend with DS. Even though there are so many friends and family who have been praying that the situation changes to keep DS and I both safe. I can't stop crying and I don't know if it's because I'm happy or because I'm a bit freaked out... My emotions are so all over the page...

I'm afraid to be happy, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it. I want it to happen so much and with XAH that usually meant it didn't happen.

"He" e-mailed (again, it was his GF, not him) to say he now has a job where he'll be out of town 2 weeks; for those in AK and will understand, it's a Slope job. Which bloody well explains why I haven't seen a dime in child support, because he let go another job, don't know when.... So for those keeping count, I believe that's 6 jobs in less than a year - average 1 job every 2 months.... I have no idea how he passed the drug screening that the Slope jobs usually require...

Plus sides: I will get possibly 2 weekends in a row with DS! Slope jobs pay quite a bit, so if CS can catch up with him, the amount of CS will increase, significantly. Not that he's paying, but.... There will be 2 weeks in a row that I am not looking over my shoulder.

Down side: "He" is asking for more time with DS on the weekends while he's in town, which I don't see as possible because his visit supervisors will not be available - at least based on what was said in court. Which is also weird, because "he" specifically asked for more time on the weekends, when he'll be back in town for either 1 or 2 weeks straight sitting on his a-- and could ask for time during the week.....

And again, it could all be a fat load of cr-p. He'd been 'trying' to get on the slope for YEARS.

I'm sitting on my hands and have closed my e-mail window to not be re-opened until my emotions settled down. I don't plan to respond without letting my sister read my e-mail back. I just had to vent.

LaTeeDa

How funny. My exah has a "slope job" and we live in California. He flies back and forth every month or so. And he was the one who insisted on a clause in our MSA that I could not move more than 100 miles away with the kids. Ha!

Anyway, I don't think you need to respond right away. In fact, I'm not sure you need to respond at all. But, maybe just a "let me know when you have a definite schedule and we can talk" would be appropriate? You have a written visitation agreement, right? Not your problem if he can't comply because he decided to work elsewhere.

L

Learn2Live

What's a slope job?

LaTeeDa

The North Slope of Alaska, where the oil is.

Learn2Live

Thank you. Sounds like good pay

Tuffgirl

North Slope, Alaska...Prudhoe Bay...oil. Usually a two week on/two week off schedule.

I imagine CS will be able to catch him; they're really good up here! I've seen miracles happen and happen fast as soon as they go legal (paychecks, I mean). Do you get his PFD?

This sounds like great news...but I agree, why not ask for time during the weeks he is off? Unless your DS is in school...

Sending positive vibes your way... I don't get child support and haven't for 4 years and its tough; but I do admit I am stubborn and it feels good to just simply not need it anymore. The girls can sue him for it later if they want.

Live

oh, man..that is great news! I hope and pray he keeps that job!!!

theuncertainty

CS has been trying to catch him since Oct 2009. I did get his PFD. He then tried to decrease his CS calculation by not including it in his calculation because 'they' took it. So, I'm not really counting on it, but it'd be nice, you know? Especially as DS goes through jeans and shoes like water.

DS is in school, kindergarten. That doesn't necessarily mean XAH can't have supervised visits during the week. Or that he can't attend any of the school functions-oh, wait he doesn't do that now....

LaTeeDa, we do have a court-ordered written agreement in place, which includes that DS's visits with XAH be supervised.

I'm inclined to respond that he's welcome to submit a modification request to the court, and while he's at it to inform the court of his new place of employment and wages so the CS can be modified too. BUT then, the likelihood of him quitting goes up and there goes the 2 weeks free of manipulation.... IDK... Still thinking and pondering.

I know it's not my responsibility, but it is going to affect DS....

theuncertainty

Yep. You and me both. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I just seriously do not know how he keeps landing these jobs with his track record....

nodaybut2day

IMO, the only response you need to write is this. He wants more time to DS to compensate for his job-related absences, then HE has to figure out how to get a supervisor to accommodate him. If he's not happy, then he can suck a lemon. It's not like he's going to suddenly come to the awesome realization that he's in this situation because of his drinking :rotfxko

The CS stuff isn't really your job, even though you are affected by it. I know how you feel; it's kind of hard to let go emotionally, but really, if/when CS is garnished, is not really under our control, so we might as well let go!

theuncertainty

I'm kind of thinking out loud here; trying to process and figure out what I'm doing.

I still haven't responded to him. And I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I need to. "He" hopes I'll be willing to consider allowing him more time with DS since he’ll be losing time and told me to tell him what I'd be willing to do. So no, there is no question there, but there is basically what feels like an order. Which has me planting my feet in true Taurus fashion. He does NOT get to order me around any more, even by way of his GF pretending to be him.....

I know it's his job to come up with a proposal since he wants to change it. The thought of writing back, though, to ask what he proposes is kind of triggering anxiety. And I'm trying to tell myself that it will be OK, just keep it professional, he can get mad, she can get mad, but they're not likely to do anything.... It's not like I'll be telling them no; I'll just be asking him to draft a proposal.

I kind of feel like waiting until he gets on the Slope to respond, so e-mailing on Thursday evening, or Friday. That way if he does get mad, there’s about 700 cold -ss miles between us. It’s not like he’ll be able to hop in a car and drive over to express his anger. But then, if it’s a lie and he’s not on the slope, he will be in town…

Why would he lie about having a job on the Slope? Good question. Why would he lie about having cancer? I don’t know. But he did.

Then again, really, how long is he going to hold this job? He’s averaging 2 months.

I also hoped that since it's all about a job that he decided to accept, that he'd be the one to tell DS that he wouldn't be seeing him for 2 weeks. Nope. Not a word to DS about it this past weekend. It was a very silly hope for me to hold, especially since I completely expected him to sidestep his responsibility. Am I mad about it? Not really. Resigned would be the closer word. Pffft. Ok this isn’t helping me deal with the anxiety.

I just looked up the Motion to Modify for the state which would need to be submitted, and there has to be a change in circumstances that makes the parenting plan no longer in the child’s best interest. It doesn’t say anything about accepting a job that makes it inconvenient for the non-custodial parent to abide by the visitation requirements.

I can’t control any of this. Deep breath.

LaTeeDa

I understand the feeling. It's like you need to DO SOMETHING. I know. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, that's when it starts. It's hard to just sit with it. To feel the uncomfortable feelings and let them be. But, from where I sit, that's exactly what needs to be done in this situation.

Other than talking to your son. Explaining to him that things are possibly going to change, but you're not exactly sure of all the details yet.

The ball is clearly in your XAH's court. He's made a decision, he is wanting to change the status quo, he's got to figure out what that is and what he's asking for. It's not your place to figure it out for him. You're right, you can't control any of it. Keep breathing.

L

zrx1200R

Child custody is not my area of expertise. But it seems to me, just reading what you have posted, that there is no reason to change a darn thing. Or respond to the request.

You state there is a child custody order in effect. Done. Fin. Complete. End of line. There is a child custody order in effect. He follows it. you follow it. Simple.

It sounds like he is asking, through his new gal pal, for you to voluntarily modify the arrangement. You are under no obligation to do so. Hopefully the lawyer gals will be along shortly, as I am not a lawyer. But I have to read and follow volumes of regulations for a living. So it is similar. And I'm constantly amazed how many people don't read the regs.

Remember, he has NOTHING to lose by asking you to bend over backwards and give up something. NOTHING. the worst that happens is you don't. And he's in exactly the same boat he's in now. The best case is you capitulate to everything he asks for because you "feel" like you should.

I "feel" like you should just follow the legal order as it's written. I'd feel better if you did. And I bet you would too. Who cares what he feels like. I believe the internet slang for that is WGARA.

lillamy

They are. Unfortunately (or fortunately, really, but I'm just on your side here), the companies don't have much tolerance for substance abuse, so if this is true, enjoy it while it lasts.

I haven't read his e-mail, but I agree -- if there's no question, then you don't answer. And you especially don't have to answer the GF. So there's a change in circumstances? Then he can file a motion to modify. Which he'll be too lazy to do. So you win. That's my storybook ending.

theuncertainty

Thanks. I've been trying to sit with it for about a week so far. Only a week. Already a week. I thought I had more patience than this.

Zrx1200R, I really had to think about that a while: WGARA. Funny, I had just posted "Who the heck cares that it's hard on the A to hear these questions from your 6yo..." on Buffalo66's thread on needing advice and perspective. It's so hard to apply what I say to myself, hard to even see that it applies.

So, sit with it. Just a little longer....

Thumper

Agreed!

You can do this uncertainty. You've already made it a week. Play the tape all the way through on what a response, no matter how carefully thought out, would lead to.

I figure there is a good chance he doesn't even know the email was sent.

theuncertainty

Thumper, I didn't think that he may not know about the e-mail.

So, it's not normal to feel guilty about not responding, is it?

Thumper

Well, keep in mind who you are talking to here, lol, but I think it is totally normal.

Nothing is normal with these kinds of relationships. Normally people respond and have a dialogue but we know from hundreds of lessons that it isn't going to work out. We can't do 'normal' in these situations and just because we feel off kilter and guilty doesn't mean we are wrong.

Plus, I know for me at least, who feels no desire to get back together or have a relationship or even miss my xah much - I still feel bad not giving him a chance or handling something in a way that will hurt him. It is crazy how that lingers for such a long time. I have the urge to talk, explain, soften things, be understanding and understood, and make it right! but that does not work. It does not help him, and it sure as heck doesn't help me. We both feel worse and have dumped even more water under an already flooded bridge. I just have to acknowledge the feeling and let it go.

tjp613

Uncertainty - I agree that you don't need to respond, but for your own sake, can you just think to yourself, "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it?" In other words, seems like there's a lot of what-if's here.... and at this point there is no need to get into things like modifying the agreement. My gut just says to let it play out and take it one day at a time. If and when you respond you could possibly just say, "Well, let's see how things go. Let me know when you get back into town." Or, "If you can work out the supervision issue and the proposed schedule makes sense, then I will consider it at the appropriate time."

As strict as those employers are about drug and alcohol use this could all be moot.

theuncertainty

Well. WTF.

Just a quick update.

I received an e-mail from 'him' Thursday evening after 5 pm berating me for not acknowledging his prior e-mail.

I received an e-mail from him Saturday at 7 pm stating his flight had been cancelled and GF would be picking DS up for the usual Sunday dinner and he is now scheduled to leave Monday. (He was supposed to leave Thursday or maybe Friday....) No asking why I hadn't responded to earlier e-mails...

So, no full weekend with DS yet. Rondy was cool, but it was really cold and windy, so we limited what we did, hopefully it'll warm back up a little this week. Quackery and manipulation from XAH and his GF continues.