Marriage Counseling or not?!?
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Marriage Counseling or not?!?
It has been a little while since my last post. But at the time things were mainly in a holding pattern.
With Valentine day coming, I suspected the proverbial poop would hit the fan.
I myself did not plan anything for Valentine, mainly because I am just tired of pretending all is well in our relationship and am really not feeling the love these days.
On her front, she has been working with a doctor to taper off her medication although I do have my own doubts of how truthful that effort is. Besides, she has not been working any other "program" and her general behavior has not really change.
Yesterday, she confronted me as to why I didn't even wish her a happy Valentine. So I finally told her how I really felt and indicated that I myself could not live this way anymore and maybe we should call it quits. She did her usual playing the victim act but eventually calmed down.
She claims she does nothing else around the house because of depression. As for working a program, she says she intends to do whatever the doctor suggests once she is off the Suboxone. I mean WTH? Shouldn't it be the other way around? And anyways, he is a pain specialist, not an addiction specialist.
She begged me to not give up on everything so I agreed to hold off contingent on both of us seeing someone to deal with our respective "depressions" and also seek some Marriage Counseling.
Does counseling really do a difference? In a way, I have "buyers remorse" now for not holding my ground more. In a way I feel this is just another ploy to buy time on her part and that nothing will really change. I am feeling a little confused at the moment.
With Valentine day coming, I suspected the proverbial poop would hit the fan.
I myself did not plan anything for Valentine, mainly because I am just tired of pretending all is well in our relationship and am really not feeling the love these days.
On her front, she has been working with a doctor to taper off her medication although I do have my own doubts of how truthful that effort is. Besides, she has not been working any other "program" and her general behavior has not really change.
Yesterday, she confronted me as to why I didn't even wish her a happy Valentine. So I finally told her how I really felt and indicated that I myself could not live this way anymore and maybe we should call it quits. She did her usual playing the victim act but eventually calmed down.
She claims she does nothing else around the house because of depression. As for working a program, she says she intends to do whatever the doctor suggests once she is off the Suboxone. I mean WTH? Shouldn't it be the other way around? And anyways, he is a pain specialist, not an addiction specialist.
She begged me to not give up on everything so I agreed to hold off contingent on both of us seeing someone to deal with our respective "depressions" and also seek some Marriage Counseling.
Does counseling really do a difference? In a way, I have "buyers remorse" now for not holding my ground more. In a way I feel this is just another ploy to buy time on her part and that nothing will really change. I am feeling a little confused at the moment.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
My xah and I did marriage counseling for 2-3 years. Went to 2-3 counselors. Nothing helped. Mainly because he was addicted and nobody knew how bad. He was very highly functioning for a long time.
You've made it this far, it won't hurt anything to give counseling a try. Unfortunately it took a looong time after xah was clean for to him even out. Even then he still struggled with depression.
You've made it this far, it won't hurt anything to give counseling a try. Unfortunately it took a looong time after xah was clean for to him even out. Even then he still struggled with depression.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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I think I would insist she consults a dr about her depression at the minimum.
She may be depressed but it is her responsibility to get treatment for it..not to just ask you to live with the symptoms for however long.
She may be depressed but it is her responsibility to get treatment for it..not to just ask you to live with the symptoms for however long.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
she should really be talking to someone and getting help for her depression.
it might help you too to go talk to a therapist regarding yourself, then maybe down the road if things improve with her, then you might both go to therapy together.
it might help you too to go talk to a therapist regarding yourself, then maybe down the road if things improve with her, then you might both go to therapy together.
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The "plan" was to seek help for each of our own respective depressions. So likely means finding a psychologist for each of us. I figure that at the very least my depression is something I need to take care and possibly with some anti-depressants (not the first time in my life). At the very least, if I get my head screwed back on right, I can't say the divorce decision was a anger driven spur of the moment choice.
As for her, I agree. She is an adult and she should be able to take care of herself. It's one thing to ask for help. It's another to just have to push the person into doing what she needs to do. Of course, she has loads of excuses as to why she doesn't take care of herself. I control her too much, she can never leave the house, I don't let her spend money, I don't support her, etc. Sorry dear, but we only have 1 car at the moment and we can't afford to buy another one, she can have the car anytime she wants but she has to shuttle me to work. As for the money, she has a debit card, problem is she goes on overspending without asking me if we can afford things and consequently we bounce checks... Anyways, just rambling.
I have my doubts about counseling, in part because I am unsure I really want to fix things at this point and also just because I feel it was just her addict manipulation in order to try and maintain status-quo...
As for her, I agree. She is an adult and she should be able to take care of herself. It's one thing to ask for help. It's another to just have to push the person into doing what she needs to do. Of course, she has loads of excuses as to why she doesn't take care of herself. I control her too much, she can never leave the house, I don't let her spend money, I don't support her, etc. Sorry dear, but we only have 1 car at the moment and we can't afford to buy another one, she can have the car anytime she wants but she has to shuttle me to work. As for the money, she has a debit card, problem is she goes on overspending without asking me if we can afford things and consequently we bounce checks... Anyways, just rambling.
I have my doubts about counseling, in part because I am unsure I really want to fix things at this point and also just because I feel it was just her addict manipulation in order to try and maintain status-quo...
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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How about getting help with your depression, some counseling to figure out what you want, antidepressants and getting in a clear state of mind so that you can have a life you love living?
You are right, she has to be the one to act to solve her problems and it sounds like she isn't a bit realistic about the current situation. That may change and it may not.
But you can change alot of things in your life, with or without her.
You are right, she has to be the one to act to solve her problems and it sounds like she isn't a bit realistic about the current situation. That may change and it may not.
But you can change alot of things in your life, with or without her.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
sebby, counseling for YOU will make a difference. you need to talk to someone about your feelings and what you want out of life. living with
addiction can make you depressed, I know how it affected me. Its important
to find a therapist who is knowledgeable with addiction/mental illness as well, dont get discouraged if the first one or even second one doesnt seem to help you. there are good therapists out there.
I can say for myself my new therapist is a life saver for me, she used to work in dual diagnosis rehab facilities and knows the ropes about addicts quite well, she also knows what family members go through too.
as far as your wife, seems to me her behavior is of an addict and thats probaly not helping you either. the same ole sayings its your fault,you control me, you leave me no money,no car..etc.etc..heard all those things myself.
I remember before my ah left I too didnt know how to get out of the situation, I was depressed, I wanted to end the marriage but was afraid.I would wonder give it more time, do this or that, things will change..they didnt
I also was sad to go, I felt like I was abandoning a person I loved. he left though and today I can say it was for the best for me. he still hasnt gotten help, of course that saddens me, but truly he has made that decision, nothing I did or didnt do would change that.
It has been hard for me I wont lie, but in many ways I see more and more of the person I used to be before living with addiction..
do what you feel is right for you, worry about yourself, dont second guess yourself or be afaird and please get counseling to give you guidance and walk you through any decisions you may make either seperating or staying together and working it all out..
addiction can make you depressed, I know how it affected me. Its important
to find a therapist who is knowledgeable with addiction/mental illness as well, dont get discouraged if the first one or even second one doesnt seem to help you. there are good therapists out there.
I can say for myself my new therapist is a life saver for me, she used to work in dual diagnosis rehab facilities and knows the ropes about addicts quite well, she also knows what family members go through too.
as far as your wife, seems to me her behavior is of an addict and thats probaly not helping you either. the same ole sayings its your fault,you control me, you leave me no money,no car..etc.etc..heard all those things myself.
I remember before my ah left I too didnt know how to get out of the situation, I was depressed, I wanted to end the marriage but was afraid.I would wonder give it more time, do this or that, things will change..they didnt
I also was sad to go, I felt like I was abandoning a person I loved. he left though and today I can say it was for the best for me. he still hasnt gotten help, of course that saddens me, but truly he has made that decision, nothing I did or didnt do would change that.
It has been hard for me I wont lie, but in many ways I see more and more of the person I used to be before living with addiction..
do what you feel is right for you, worry about yourself, dont second guess yourself or be afaird and please get counseling to give you guidance and walk you through any decisions you may make either seperating or staying together and working it all out..
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
There's an old joke in the counseling/mental health community that goes like this,
"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb"?
Answer: "One... but the light bulb has to be willing."
I'm not trying to make light (pun intended,
) of your situation because I've been where you are. I'm only trying to express that we can't want more for someone than they want for themselves... and any means taken to FORCE change, until someone is ready to want more for themselves, are generally my expectations run wild.
If your expectations are to truly embrace change for yourself, then individual counseling may be the answer to your question. But if they are to force a behavioral change externally, then know your expecations/needs may continue to go unmet. There's nothing wrong with having needs as they convey our own need for change... especially when we realize our partners may be incapable of meeting natural, healthy needs.
Just like her, you'll quit when you're truly ready.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb"?
Answer: "One... but the light bulb has to be willing."
I'm not trying to make light (pun intended,
) of your situation because I've been where you are. I'm only trying to express that we can't want more for someone than they want for themselves... and any means taken to FORCE change, until someone is ready to want more for themselves, are generally my expectations run wild. If your expectations are to truly embrace change for yourself, then individual counseling may be the answer to your question. But if they are to force a behavioral change externally, then know your expecations/needs may continue to go unmet. There's nothing wrong with having needs as they convey our own need for change... especially when we realize our partners may be incapable of meeting natural, healthy needs.
Just like her, you'll quit when you're truly ready.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
In the end, she only seems to move when confronted with the prospect of something bad. She wouldn't have seen a doctor on her own if I had not said I wanted a divorce. Of course now, she started getting off her a** and doing chores around the house yesterday. Will probably last a week or so before she just goes back to the old routine.
Regardless, some therapy for myself would do some good. And anti-depressants may help me see things is a clearer and more positive way.
In a way, I can't really stand living like this anymore and think the amount of damage in the relationship is past the point of no return. But the whole divorce prospect is also scary as there are a lot of unknowns there for me.
Regardless, some therapy for myself would do some good. And anti-depressants may help me see things is a clearer and more positive way.
In a way, I can't really stand living like this anymore and think the amount of damage in the relationship is past the point of no return. But the whole divorce prospect is also scary as there are a lot of unknowns there for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Might you consider alternatives to antidepressants?
This whole magic pill cure for what ails us, is a slippery slope.
Your in a tough spot right now. Feeling depressed about it is a normal reaction.
This whole magic pill cure for what ails us, is a slippery slope.
Your in a tough spot right now. Feeling depressed about it is a normal reaction.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I've been prone to depression throughout my life. I guess I qualify as a chronic depressive. So anti-depressants helped in the past. I was planning on asking my current Dr. for his thoughts/suggestions. Since he is a D.O. he may have some alternative to suggest. Especially considering I believe my adrenals a somewhat depleted due to the years of continuous stress...
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
sebby, take care of yourself and talking to your drs.about medications and therapy is a good idea as you know yourself the best, so go with what you feel comfortable with.
as far as fearing divorce, well, it is scary, it is stressful, it is sad. maybe you can seperate? gives you time to stabalize yourself and then make a decision, as it sounds like your living situation is causing you much distress.
as far as fearing divorce, well, it is scary, it is stressful, it is sad. maybe you can seperate? gives you time to stabalize yourself and then make a decision, as it sounds like your living situation is causing you much distress.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: fort worth TX
Posts: 28
I feel like I'm looking in a mirror with your story. Right now I am seriously debating the separation rout from my AH. Like you I just can't live this life of darkness anymore. I want to look forward to going home and right now that isn't happening. I am looking at an apartment this weekend. The scary part is actually leaving and the fact that my job is about to end. But money wise what's the difference cause he isn't working or making much effort to work. Any way my point is your not alone and I don't have much advice but I will keep you in my prayers. Keep your head up.
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Barbiebg, I feel ya! Well money is somewhat of a weird topic. I am the one with the income and a fairly nice one but with debt accumulated over they years, it is pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck. I could move out and manage but at the same time have to keep in mind that I will likely be stuck paying hefty alimony so will probably be paycheck-to-paycheck again for the foreseeable future.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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I would advise speaking to an attorney, its not always the case you have to pay alimony, its based on income/expenses and if you have assests and their worth and dividing the assets. I highly recommend for anyone contemplating a seperation/divorce is to get all your financial information together (including assets,debts,income,expenses) if you do a personal statement yourself you will have a basic idea for your attorney to review and give you an idea what to expect.
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Tam, I obviously plan on doing that. But my understanding is with CA being a no-fault state, everything will pretty much be divided.
Asset wise, with a net worth in the range of -60K$, not much for me to give
Its a little trickier with salary, but seems like the baseline in CA is 40-50 (40% of my income minus 50% of hers). But it's also all to the discretion of the judge.
But as you said, it's hard to get a clear picture without at least talking to someone who specializes in the field.
Asset wise, with a net worth in the range of -60K$, not much for me to give
Its a little trickier with salary, but seems like the baseline in CA is 40-50 (40% of my income minus 50% of hers). But it's also all to the discretion of the judge.
But as you said, it's hard to get a clear picture without at least talking to someone who specializes in the field.
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