dontknow88

Here's my story: My boyfriend which I have been with for 2.5 years is an addict/recovering addict. He has been doing drugs and drinking since he was a preteen. He is now in his early 30s and through out his life he has relapsed plenty of times, along with being arrested, detox, and rehabs. I'm completely anti-drug and haven't even attempted to try any of those things. I knew his past as we started dating. I figured I would take a chance, a year into our relationship and he came clean saying he was currently addicted to opiates and he went to rehab and got better. Shortly after he got out of rehab we moved in together. He was clean for almost a year in half, when I came home with a drug test and told him to take it. This is when he came clean. At this point the entire time I have known him he has lied to me about drugs except for the year or so that he was clean after we moved in together. So he told me eveything from the times he was arrested, to telling me he has been on suboxone for the last year, and finally telling me for the past 3 months he has been drinking and smoking crack. I was pissed to say the least. I told him when we moved in together that if he was to ever relapse that I will leave him. So now it's about a month after him coming clean. He is going to AA meetings, has a sponsor, is working on step work, he is also seeing a therapist, and we are both seeing a couple therapist. I do believe that he wants to stay clean. But actions speak louder then words. I've been to alanon meetings and I get the whole things about addicts are going to do what they want to do and I have to continue with my life, but my future plan was to get married to this guy, have kids, & be an at home mom. In doing this I would have to depend on him for finance and many other things. So what do I do? I feel kinda of in the middle, not knowing which way to go. I do feel as if I'm his "saving grace" meaning that if I don't stay with him he will go straight to drugs. And other then the drugs he is a great guy, we get along great, if it wasn't for the drug thing I would say he's the one that I want to live the rest of my life with. I can say alot more, but I will hold off until I get some feedback.
Thanks

dontknow88

Thanks for the feedback. I definitely plan on waiting a couple of years before marrying him, that's for sure. I do want to make sure that he can stay clean, but then again someone can be clean for 10 years then relapse. As for finances, we have already talked about this before we moved in together. Seeing as how he makes more money, he does pay for most things so that I can save my money in case he relapses just like he did recently. As far as the future goes we have also talked about this if we get a house it goes under my name only, all savings will be under my name, as a way to protect our family from his problems. But my problem lies in the choice of should I waste my time on him now? I want to know if anyone has been in this situation and how did it turn out.

anaserene

Everyone is different, so there are no hard and fast rules. I used to be an addict, but I've been sober for 10 years and will be for the rest of my life. I'm 100% certain of that. Other people struggle their entire lives, going between being on and off the wagon.

lc1972

Welcome dontknow88

I will tell you a my brief history

I met my husband when he had been clean for 2 years his DOC is herion. We got married and now have two children I also have another child. I am a stay at home mom for 3 children and until recently had no income. My husband after 7 years relapsed and has not been able to go longer than a month since May of 2010 and that is with a prescription for suboxone. Now my husband makes a 6 figure income and we are in debt beyond belief and that is after only 10 months of using and not continuously. I have already noticed my 5 years old waits to see how daddy responds to my 3 year old before she will say anything. He does not see or realize his behavior changes though I have brought them up to him. So, I am now watching kids and saving money. I also take money out of the account everytime he does and I put it all into another account.

I am letting you know that it is not easy once you are in the middle of it with children. Please think long and hard before you make a decision to marry and have children with an addict.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you

dontknow88

anaserene How do you know you will be clean for the rest of your life? How do you know something in life won't come along and turn your world upside down and make you go back to drugs &/or drinking? My boyfriend tells me he is done with it and this last time was a slip up and that he will never stop going to AA meetings and he will never stop being around recovered addicts. After everything I have a hard time believing him when he says this, but at the same time I do believe he wants to stay clean. He doesn't really have a DOC when he was a teenager it was everything pot, lsd, coke, heroin. Then he became physically addicted to heroin for 2 years after that he stopped and was clean from everything for 3 years (this was all before I knew him) then he started drinking again this is when i met him, from drinking it went to pot then coke then to pain killers. Then he went to rehab was clean for a little over a year then went back to drinking and smoking crack for 2 -3 months and now he's a month clean. But there is never a guarantee that he will never go back to any of that stuff, is there?

lc1972 Thank you very much for your feedback. I would like to know if in the beginning of your marriage was it good? Would you have changed your decision to have kids and marry this person if you can? I hate that the decision I have to make is between heart vs logic. Of course in life there is no guarantee which ever way you go, but I feel like most people in my area (NYC) is addicted to some type of drug. So even if I decide to not continue in this relationship the chances of finding someone that isn't addicted to anything or that doesn't drink or smoke pot every week is pretty much impossible, I think.

Seren

Hi dontknow! Welcome to SR!!

If you were actually his saving grace, don't you think that your presence in his life would have changed him in some way? You said that he has been using drugs while you have been together. How would staying or leaving change that?

What we come to realize here and in our face-to-face meetings is that there is absolutely nothing WE can do to change whether or not someone drinks or uses drugs. We can only make changes in our own behavior and way of thinking. Has his behavior been acceptable to you? Are you willing to invest so much of your own happiness in someone who has lied about using and has clearly struggled for a long time with addiction?

I'm not trying to "put you on the hot seat", just put some questions out for you to think about.

Take good care of yourself! HG

hello-kitty

Not true. There's plenty of people out there who aren't addicted to something. Also a lot of people who don't do illegal drugs or have alcohol problems.

Maybe you need to reconsider the places you go to find dates, who you hang out with, what your personal values are and what you want in a relationship.

dontknow88

hydrogirl I get what your saying and thank you, but can't addicts recover? If it's a disease and if they get help and yet for some reason they go back to their addiction are people suppose to give up on them? If it's a disease then is it like cancer then? You can't control addiction nor cancer. I know the whole Alanon saying is you live your life, let the addict do what he's gonna do which is fine, but when it's someone that is suppose to be your equal/other half then I don't see how that works. So does that mean that any addict in the world can never have a significant other because they might relapse? Thoughts?

hello kitty I'm sure there are people out in the world that haven't done drugs or drink but the percentage I think is very minimal. I know this because I am in my mid 20s and I only know of a total of 2 other people rather then myself within 10 years of my age group that has never tried drugs. I've made many friends and dated plenty and I can say this I only have 1 female friend that has never tried drugs. As far as guys I have only met 1 guy that hasn't tried drugs. Perhaps it's a difference of generations sadly.

anaserene

This is the impression I had about alanon. That yes, you are supposed to give up on the addict. However, it is much more complicated than that. I'm sure other more seasoned alanon people here can explain how it's more than "giving up" on the addict.

hello-kitty

Drug addiction is not the same as experimentation in your early 20s. Social drinking is not alcoholism. I'm sure their are people in their 20s who do not abuse drugs and alcohol even if they've "tried" them before.

Non-addicts tend to mature as they age. Addicts do not. They stay stuck. Their problems get worse. They don't make very good parents, husbands or providers so I'm glad you are holding off on your dream of marrying him and being a stay at home mom.

wicked

How do you know he was clean for a year after you two moved in together?
Based on what he says? That is interesting, cause he has lied the entire time he has known you.
I have been in your position before, dontknow88, except for a few things.
I was actively drinking (alcoholic) and my now ex-husband was drinking (alcoholic too)
We had two young children at this time.
We both went to rehab. With me, I stayed sober, he did not.
Came back to the states, he adds crack to drinking.
Now, his entire weekly paycheck was going to the crack dealer. He would come back to his mothers house (yes where we are living because he did not use the money I sent home for an apartment, he smoked it) with about .08 cents in his pocket, no gas in the care and crying about how he got robbed or some other crap.

Addicts lie. I lied all the time, about anything. Not just how much I consumed, just about anything really. If my ex told me the sun was shining, I would check out the window, cause he lied, lied and lied some more.

I am confused about the AlAnon meetings, have you been to many of them? Cause, the one thing that is pretty much standard about ALL twelve step groups is surrendering your will and admitting you are powerless over the addiction or the person.

That makes you pretty powerful, and if you are his saving grace, why hasnt he quit yet?
surrender to the powerlessness. It made my life a whole lot easier.

Yeah, me and my ex got along great too. He was very good looking, charming and spine tingly good in bed. But the crack ruined him. The alcohol was ruining me, and both of us had negative impact on our children.

Yeah, but that drug thing....it is a mighty big thing. A huge thing. A life ruining and life theatening thing.

Thank you for reading.

Beth

Seren

I would in no way ever suggest to anyone that they stay or leave. That decision is up to you, and you should feel comfortable with whatever decision you make.

People begin the journey to long-term recovery every day! But the person has to want it more than they want anything else. If an addict is to be successful in the early days, nothing else should matter except their program of recovery. They have to grab onto it with everything they have. Frequently, that means that friends and family can be left to their own devices for a good year, sometimes more.

Here and in the face-to-face meetings for family members, we learn that we have to let the addict own their own recovery, and we have to own ours. We have to learn to let go of the playing detective, scolding them if they are not working their recovery the way WE see fit. We learn to set up boundaries for ourselves, that is, what behaviors are we willing to accept in our presence and what behaviors do we find unacceptable. Like "It is not acceptable to me for someone to verbally abuse me, berate me, threaten me. When that happens I will hang up/leave/ask the other person to leave."

I hope that your ABF truly accepts recovery and that you can both move forward to a more peaceful life. What you do in this situation is completely up to you.....that is your power.

Hugs, HG

Impurrfect

(((Anaserene))) - I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent). My entire adult life, I had 3 relationships...one for more than 20 years with a functioning alcoholic. I developed my own addiction, went on to have 2 more bf's, both crack addicts, and the last bf died of his addiction.

I want recovery more than anything in my life....I HAVE no life if I'm not recovering. You speak of what if some life-altering event comes up, how do we know we won't use. In my almost 4 years of recovery, I have lost a nursing career and am working at McDonald's.

I've faced $5000 in unpaid tickets/fines I got when using. My uncle, who I loved dearly died. My XABF (we were no longer together) died. I was robbed at gunpoint, twice at work...the 2nd time I was pistol-whipped and later found out that it was my former coworker who set up the robbery. He and the guy who hit me (14 years old) went out and murdered 4 people the next day. I need $5000 of dental work that I can't afford. I live with my dad/stepmom and they are both very dysfunctional. I have a 17-year-old niece who I love, dearly, and she recently attacked me while high on pills and liquor. She had moved out, and is about to move back home. My stepmom has stolen my meds (I have PTSD from the 2nd robbery) and I have to lock them up and hide my keys. She has abused her own meds, passed out, gotten arrested for trying to pass off a fraudulent prescription. I work another job, am back in school, and am stressed to the max. I'm 49 years old, having to live at home because I don't make enough money to support myself.

This is just a sample of what I've been through, yet my recovery is stronger than ever. Personally, when someone has made a habit of lying to me, I have a very hard time trusting them again. Even being an RA, I would be seriously leery of dating another RA, unless I could see, by his actions, that he's serious about it, and he had YEARS of recovery.

It's totally up to you as to whether you stay or leave. I can guarantee that you don't have enough power to keep him clean or make him use. If you were to leave and he went back to using, he would blame you, because that's what we do....A's blame everything and everyone for why they use. We learn to take responsibility for our actions in recovery.

So, yes, recovery is possible, but it has to come from the A. Putting down the drugs isn't the hard part....hell, I did it a lot of times. It's learning how not to pick them back up when things get rough that's hard.

It sounds like you are way ahead of where I was, discussing finances and telling him that his name wouldn't be on a house. I would make sure that I was financially able to handle that house before even considering it.

I think holding off for a couple of years is a good thing.

The very thought of using something to chill me out turns my stomach. I consider that a gift, and am doing everything I can to continue feeling that way. I didn't get that way, though, until I hit a really low bottom and had had enough.

Al-anon, though I've never been, I know a lot of people who go, focuses more on what you want from your life, and working to get it. It's about protecting yourself, setting boundaries. This isn't a decision you have to make today. Addiction is a life long disease. Recovery can also be life long, but there's nothing you can do to ensure that he stays in recovery.

Also, if he were to relapse again, personally, I would put distance between you. If he thinks he can relapse, and then smooth things over, it could become a habit...he's facing no consequences, from the way it sounds. The consequences are a big part of what got me into recovery.

I'm glad you posted here, as there are so many people here with ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lc1972

Hello again dontknow88

The two years we dated before marriage were pretty great. I got pregnant on or about our wedding day and things changed. They changed because first it is stressful being pregnant never mind I was very sick throughout my pregnancy. Second he was not getting all my attention. He was distant, moody, and mean at times with little digs at what I was not doing. I was so depressed and at my ends of everything between us but just would not walk away. After our daughter was born he came back around and things started working out slowly. Then bang I was pregnant again and sick again and the same thing all over again. This time I did not let it affect me as much and just distanced myself from him. After our son was born things were better but it was closer to roomate type relationship. I think this was because I distanced myself this time and he retreated. We started counseling and did not do much for us because he was already going downhill to use again. It has been a rollercoaster ride throughout and this was while he was not using. Once he started using the things he would yell at me should have been enough for me to leave. I have no idea why I needed to know what was really going on but I had to know it was not me. Well it wasn't it was his thinking and coping skills.

If had had an idea at the time no I would not be here and that is so hard to say. I love my children more than life. Before my husband I would not date someone I thought drank too much let alone did drugs. I would never have let anyone speak to me the way he has. I will say there seems to be no consistency in behavior at all. I hope this helps and again think very long and hard about the ride you are about to take.