My life with an addict...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
My life with an addict...
I've been living with my boyfriend now for almost 3 years. Although I love him, it's probably the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in.
His addiction to cocaine has destroyed my life along side of his.
It has destroyed our relationship, my self esteem, and my mental well being.
I am an emotional time bomb and going to therapy once a week, while he sits on our couch without a care in the world day after day.
He thinks his problem is "his problem" and refuses to recognize what it has done to me and the situations I've been in because of it.
I cannot pick up and leave because I have nowhere to go and don't make enough money to make rent on my own. As long as i'm here I know there will be no motivation for him to stop.
During last summer his family sent him away to "re-hab". He came home and relapsed 2 weeks later. I knew deep down that it would happen only because of where he went. The place he went to wasn't a real re-hab, it was a front for a Scientology type of recruitment program. Insead of getting the help he needed he spent about 2 months talking to walls and ashtrays. As funny as it may sound it's the truth.
Recently, He's agreed to go to meetings or see a thrapist and everytime he sabotages it and doesn't go.
This past friday was my birthday, which he sent me a text message for even though we live together and said nothing in person when I got home from work. He's been high every day since, had no idea yesterday was Valentines day. I've also been extremely sick and just getting over that winter flu, spent 4 days by myself, taking care of myself.
Anyway that's my story for now...
His addiction to cocaine has destroyed my life along side of his.
It has destroyed our relationship, my self esteem, and my mental well being.
I am an emotional time bomb and going to therapy once a week, while he sits on our couch without a care in the world day after day.
He thinks his problem is "his problem" and refuses to recognize what it has done to me and the situations I've been in because of it.
I cannot pick up and leave because I have nowhere to go and don't make enough money to make rent on my own. As long as i'm here I know there will be no motivation for him to stop.
During last summer his family sent him away to "re-hab". He came home and relapsed 2 weeks later. I knew deep down that it would happen only because of where he went. The place he went to wasn't a real re-hab, it was a front for a Scientology type of recruitment program. Insead of getting the help he needed he spent about 2 months talking to walls and ashtrays. As funny as it may sound it's the truth.
Recently, He's agreed to go to meetings or see a thrapist and everytime he sabotages it and doesn't go.
This past friday was my birthday, which he sent me a text message for even though we live together and said nothing in person when I got home from work. He's been high every day since, had no idea yesterday was Valentines day. I've also been extremely sick and just getting over that winter flu, spent 4 days by myself, taking care of myself.
Anyway that's my story for now...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi QteeKitty
Welcome to SR
That certainly sounds rough and I'm sorry to hear your story.
I think sometimes we need to ask ourselves what we're getting out of a relationship...and is that proportional to what were putting into it?
Only you can answer that tho
I hope you'll also visit our Family and Friends Forum - you'll find a lot of help and support there too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stance-abusers
D
Welcome to SR
That certainly sounds rough and I'm sorry to hear your story.
I think sometimes we need to ask ourselves what we're getting out of a relationship...and is that proportional to what were putting into it?
Only you can answer that tho
I hope you'll also visit our Family and Friends Forum - you'll find a lot of help and support there too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stance-abusers
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
Dee: You are right and I have a lot of thoughts I need to sort out. I will also visit that forum thank you
Spqr: His family is no longer an option anymore for mutliple reasons. For one they are not scientologists at all. His brother who was in control of the whole situation was so brainwashed by talking to the people at this facility that he would not listen to my pleas and I was begging him to just trust me and send him somewhere else.
If his brother knew about his relapsing and his current behavior now he would send him right back to this place and it isn't helping him. It was a waste of time. I can no longer count on his family for help.
Not only that, but his brother owns the house we live in and we would both be immediatly kicked out without a place to live or even go.
Nothing good comes of reaching out to them, I tried that already and it failed.
I am trying on my own now, to get him to a meeting I found one that's close by, and he agrees to go for days. Then the time comes for him to go and he doesn't.
Spqr: His family is no longer an option anymore for mutliple reasons. For one they are not scientologists at all. His brother who was in control of the whole situation was so brainwashed by talking to the people at this facility that he would not listen to my pleas and I was begging him to just trust me and send him somewhere else.
If his brother knew about his relapsing and his current behavior now he would send him right back to this place and it isn't helping him. It was a waste of time. I can no longer count on his family for help.
Not only that, but his brother owns the house we live in and we would both be immediatly kicked out without a place to live or even go.
Nothing good comes of reaching out to them, I tried that already and it failed.
I am trying on my own now, to get him to a meeting I found one that's close by, and he agrees to go for days. Then the time comes for him to go and he doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Addiction is a progressive illness. It always gets worse.
Without treatment and recovery it ends in jail, insitutions, death.
It is a family disease. It effects everyone in contact with it and mostly the family. It will make the rest of the family as sick as the addict.
I suggest you check out al-anon or nar-anon for yourself.
We teach you that:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The healthiest thing you can do right now is to focus on yourself and taking care of yourself and your well being and happiness.
I guarantee you if you live with untreated addiction and codependence you will lose all those things completely.
He will get help only when he feels the need for it in a very real way.
Without treatment and recovery it ends in jail, insitutions, death.
It is a family disease. It effects everyone in contact with it and mostly the family. It will make the rest of the family as sick as the addict.
I suggest you check out al-anon or nar-anon for yourself.
We teach you that:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The healthiest thing you can do right now is to focus on yourself and taking care of yourself and your well being and happiness.
I guarantee you if you live with untreated addiction and codependence you will lose all those things completely.
He will get help only when he feels the need for it in a very real way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
I will look into Public assistance.
Live, Why is it that my boyfriend refuses to realize how this has affected me and only sees it as being his own problem that only affects himself?
I learned the hard way that I can't control it nor cure it. For a really long time I have tried and went to far lengths to do anything to try. Even putting a GPS tracker on his phone at one point. I know that he himself has to really want it. As logical as it is, when emotions become involved I still put so much energy and effort into trying to help him regardless that he may or may not want it.
My therapist said the same thing to me, that I need to concentrate on myself and do things for myself which I barely do now. I am really trying to do just that, and it's harder than I thought. Part of me almost forgot how to just live my life for me.
It's times like this when I wish I was a Vulcan and had no emotions but pure logic instead
Live, Why is it that my boyfriend refuses to realize how this has affected me and only sees it as being his own problem that only affects himself?
I learned the hard way that I can't control it nor cure it. For a really long time I have tried and went to far lengths to do anything to try. Even putting a GPS tracker on his phone at one point. I know that he himself has to really want it. As logical as it is, when emotions become involved I still put so much energy and effort into trying to help him regardless that he may or may not want it.
My therapist said the same thing to me, that I need to concentrate on myself and do things for myself which I barely do now. I am really trying to do just that, and it's harder than I thought. Part of me almost forgot how to just live my life for me.
It's times like this when I wish I was a Vulcan and had no emotions but pure logic instead
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I can't answer your question about how he thinks or why. I might suggest that all his thinking and energy (emotional and otherwise) is taken up by addiction.
There is something about these dynamics that make it particularly hard to break out of them. I have never really understood that either, but I know from experience it is true.
Start with baby-steps. You can build from there. You will get stronger as long as you work at it.
There is something about these dynamics that make it particularly hard to break out of them. I have never really understood that either, but I know from experience it is true.
Start with baby-steps. You can build from there. You will get stronger as long as you work at it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Qtee - my heart goes out to you. Been there many years ago with an alcoholic husband who never did see what he was doing to himself and me, even as his world came crashing down around him. I didn't understand the disease the way I do now, and did all the wrong things - was the classic "enabler".
I hope you'll stay here and keep talking to us. The Friends & Family forum is filled with great people who truly understand what you're going through, like no one else can. Please let us know how it's going for you. We care.
I hope you'll stay here and keep talking to us. The Friends & Family forum is filled with great people who truly understand what you're going through, like no one else can. Please let us know how it's going for you. We care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
Ty Hevyn
I just came from my therapy session. I really love my therapist, she's great. She handed me back some of my money and told me to go buy something cool for myself as a type of bday present to myself since it wasn't that great. I thought that was like the nicest coolest thing ever!!!
It took a bit of work finding a good therapist. I've been to 2 others over time before her and really tried to click with them, gave it some time and it just didn't feel right. I was reffered to the one I'm at now and thank god, I found one that I really click with and am comfortable with.
She reinforces the same thing a lot, that I need to stop putting all my energy and thoughts into my boyfriend and his addiction. I need to do things for myself, focus on me!! I'm realllyyyyy trying, not that easy.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my boyfriend was on like his 5th day in a row doing drugs. I thought what if something happens to him while I'm sleeping, what if he has a stroke or something and I'm not around to do anything about it?!! I finally fell asleep at 3:30 am only to be woken up at 6am by the bed shaking. He had come upstairs in bed and was playing and looking out of the blinds every 2 minutes. I finally had to tell him to go back downstairs to the couch!
I left this morning for my appointment and he wasn't home, prob at work. Came home just now and he's in bed sleeping and snoring away.
I just came from my therapy session. I really love my therapist, she's great. She handed me back some of my money and told me to go buy something cool for myself as a type of bday present to myself since it wasn't that great. I thought that was like the nicest coolest thing ever!!!
It took a bit of work finding a good therapist. I've been to 2 others over time before her and really tried to click with them, gave it some time and it just didn't feel right. I was reffered to the one I'm at now and thank god, I found one that I really click with and am comfortable with.
She reinforces the same thing a lot, that I need to stop putting all my energy and thoughts into my boyfriend and his addiction. I need to do things for myself, focus on me!! I'm realllyyyyy trying, not that easy.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my boyfriend was on like his 5th day in a row doing drugs. I thought what if something happens to him while I'm sleeping, what if he has a stroke or something and I'm not around to do anything about it?!! I finally fell asleep at 3:30 am only to be woken up at 6am by the bed shaking. He had come upstairs in bed and was playing and looking out of the blinds every 2 minutes. I finally had to tell him to go back downstairs to the couch!
I left this morning for my appointment and he wasn't home, prob at work. Came home just now and he's in bed sleeping and snoring away.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi QteeKitty!!!!
I'm going to share the following post that is part of the "stickies" in the Friends and Family forum. It really explains alot in a very no-nonsense way. It may sound harsh, but it is true and very necessary for us to try and understand......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Many of the friends and family of addicts have benefited from the face-to-face support of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. I hope that you will consider giving that a short for yourself and your own peace of mind.
Huge hugs, HG
I'm going to share the following post that is part of the "stickies" in the Friends and Family forum. It really explains alot in a very no-nonsense way. It may sound harsh, but it is true and very necessary for us to try and understand......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Many of the friends and family of addicts have benefited from the face-to-face support of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. I hope that you will consider giving that a short for yourself and your own peace of mind.
Huge hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: RP, Illinois
Posts: 3
Coming from someone who is in recovery and has been with addicts you absolutly can not take on their addiction or problems as your own. When we try to fix someone we altimatly end up losing ourselves and foregoing our own wants and needs to avoid confrontation and disappointment. The best suggestion I can offer is get in to alanon and learn to live for yourself. Make sure you get up everyday, take a shower, put on make up and do your hair. It has been my experience that when we look better on the outside we feel better on the inside. Wrap your boyfriend in a blanket and give him to your higher power, there is nothing you can do and your boyfriend is incapable in his addiction to care or understand what it is doing to you. Us addicts are selfish and self centerd. He will only get help on his time and you have to except that may be never. Keep your head up and take care of you first.
Take care.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
Hey, Just got home from work not too long ago. Had kind of a bad day, found out my boss is giving one of my shifts to another bartender which really pisses me off!!!!! GRR!!
Sooo...that's it came home, BF is in his own world. Had no1 to talk to soooooo I'm posting
I've been Job searching for soooooo long now, every day like I haven't missed one day of job postings on craigslist in forever. It's soooo hard..even receptionist jobs now require you to be bilingual!!!!! I just want to be financially independant already!!!
Sooo...that's it came home, BF is in his own world. Had no1 to talk to soooooo I'm posting
I've been Job searching for soooooo long now, every day like I haven't missed one day of job postings on craigslist in forever. It's soooo hard..even receptionist jobs now require you to be bilingual!!!!! I just want to be financially independant already!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
Soooo I just came home and my boyfriend is once again in his own world after telling me repeatedly today that he's gonna be good for now on.
I can't even sleep anymore because I'm so worried that while I'm sleeping he's going to have a stroke or something else happen to him since he's been so bad lately with doing coke almost everyday.
I can't even sleep anymore because I'm so worried that while I'm sleeping he's going to have a stroke or something else happen to him since he's been so bad lately with doing coke almost everyday.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I know what it's like to worry obsessively about a loved one....but, to be frank....I eventually learned that people will do what they're going to do regardless of whether I worry or not.
What I had to decide was how much was I prepared to put up with - how much was I prepared to give up of my life in trying to live theirs for them?
D
What I had to decide was how much was I prepared to put up with - how much was I prepared to give up of my life in trying to live theirs for them?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
Hey I haven't been on here for a little while. Tonight my boyfriend had his dealer actually drop off drugs at our house!! I'm so furious. Anyway, this is a new one. (that I know of anyway) I am thinking about looking into getting a professional interventionist since that would be my ultimate last resort?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
hi QteeKitty
i am sorry to hear the troubles that you are going through. i am fairly new to SR and reading all the posts has helped me tremendously. my husband of 5 yrs. is also addicted to cocaine, but he won't admit it and he doesn't even see it. i am still struggling with wanting to help him and make him realize how far has he gone.
i know that i cannot help him or make him stop and sometimes is just hard to watch them using over and over again.
just think about days before you knew him. you were ok then and trust me even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be ok if you decide to go your own way and continue without him.
stay strong and take care of yourself.
i am sorry to hear the troubles that you are going through. i am fairly new to SR and reading all the posts has helped me tremendously. my husband of 5 yrs. is also addicted to cocaine, but he won't admit it and he doesn't even see it. i am still struggling with wanting to help him and make him realize how far has he gone.
i know that i cannot help him or make him stop and sometimes is just hard to watch them using over and over again.
just think about days before you knew him. you were ok then and trust me even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be ok if you decide to go your own way and continue without him.
stay strong and take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
You're right, I was ok and will be ok. I just need to get financially independant enough to be able to get out of here! I'm off to bed, I have my therapist apt early tomorrow and thank god!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Interventions are expensive.
I think your best shot is to get out on your own ASAP. The sooner you are physically away from the insanity the easier it will be for you to detach from the situation.
Hugs,
I think your best shot is to get out on your own ASAP. The sooner you are physically away from the insanity the easier it will be for you to detach from the situation.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal
Posts: 85
I agree with the other posters here QT. My wife threw me out last year after I had one too many unkept promises to quit drinking. She did it in order to protect her own sanity. At the time I was angry and depressed, but in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Faced with the prospect of losing my family I finally found the motivation to get sober. You need to look after yourself, which means get out of there, even if it means temporary financial hardship. Once you are gone he might begin to realize what he is losing and might tackle his addiction, or he might sink further into self-destruction. You can't control what an addict does, you can only protect yourself.
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